Wedding Woes

Thinking Again...

I love my fiance with all of my heart, however lately I have been having second thoughts. We have been together since highschool (7 years) and in the past year we got engaged and bought/renovated our first house and I started a new job, so lots of changes.

Our wedding is coming up at the end of this summer and I'm starting to feel more anxiety than excitement. We have a lot of expenses between the wedding and the new house which is causing stress, plus my new job is a very stressful one.
On top of all that, the house we bought is in a small isolated town where he works and is not close to our friends or really anything. I love the city and feel so abandoned and alone in this town, however he absolutely loves it up here.

We have been having some serious talks over the past little while and one thing we have realized is maybe our lives aren't on the same path. I have always wanted to travel for work, which my new job allows, but he has a steady job here with no travel and doesn't like when I go away for long periods of time.

We both love each other immensely, however neither wants to resent the other person down the line by forcing them to do what the other person wants, and he isn't really receptive to compromise in any way.

I am afraid that if we stay and continue on the same path we may regret it down the line, however in the same breath if we decide to change things by cancelling the wedding/ breaking up we will regret that too...

Wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation/ had similar thoughts that can lend some experiences/ advice?
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Re: Thinking Again...

  • This is a really tough situation and I'm so sorry you have been going through it. Obviously I only know what you've shared here, but two things stick out to me: you feel abandoned and alone in your current home (which your FI doesn't seem too concerned about), and your FI is not interested in compromise. Those factors make me think you are right to be having second thoughts.

    The thing is, your significant other should want to find a lifestyle that works for both of you. It should make him unhappy to see you unhappy, and that should be enough to motivate him to want to compromise. So the fact that he doesn't is a bit of a red flag.

    If this were a temporary living situation- like he needed to live in a small town because of his job for a few years but was willing to go back to the city later, that would be one thing. But it sounds like you just have different visions for your life long-term. 

    It it sounds like you have been talking some of this stuff out together- is he aware that you are thinking of calling things off?
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875cowgirl8238
  • @TheMostHappy15 Yeah he is aware, we've talked about even just postponing the wedding to remove that financial stress and commitment. I don't know if he fully gets it though because he is being very understanding and saying he understands if I want a different life and doesn't want to hold me back... Or this is just an easy excuse for him I dunno...
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  • Ro041Ro041 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I think you guys need to go to pre-marriage counseling ASAP.  You will be able to talk about these issues before the wedding and come to some kind of agreement/understanding.

    short+sassyOurWildKingdommissfrodo
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    Ro041 said:

    I think you guys need to go to pre-marriage counseling ASAP.  You will be able to talk about these issues before the wedding and come to some kind of agreement/understanding.


    Second this! Counseling has saved our relationship. I went through some major depressive episodes last year, and we ended up postponing the wedding and going to counseling. I'm so glad we did both!
    short+sassycharlotte989875MissKittyDangerRo041


  • @TheMostHappy15 Yeah he is aware, we've talked about even just postponing the wedding to remove that financial stress and commitment. I don't know if he fully gets it though because he is being very understanding and saying he understands if I want a different life and doesn't want to hold me back... Or this is just an easy excuse for him I dunno...


    to me that comes across as "i'm hoping if i'm enough of an ass, you'll just break up with me" manipulative bullshit. 

    i think at the very least you should postpone for a year - but also make it contingent on attending couples counseling. if you want an impartial 3rd party and your employer (or his) offers an EAP, they should be able to set you up with someone, and it will likely be covered in part by insurance. 

    the year will allow you guys to make an informed decision, and will give you more time to deal with the stressful job, and see if you can find any happiness in the boonies. 

    if he's unwilling to go through counseling, i would cut it off ASAP, sell the house (or have him buy you out), sell the wedding package if you can, and part ways. at that point you can find a situation that will make you happy (in terms of career, social life, etc.)


    OurWildKingdomshort+sassykatsandtattsDrillSergeantCat
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm sorry you're going through this, but glad you both have the self awareness to have this conversation before the wedding.

    I think you should seek counseling counseling, and pending the results of the first couple sessions at minimum postpone the wedding until you both know if your long term goals mesh.
    image
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • I'm sorry you're going through this.
    I agree with everyone that postponing and pre-marital counseling are excellent ideas.  It sounds right now like you're willing to compromise and be supportive of him, but he isn't willing to do that for you.  

    short+sassy
  • Agree with some counselling and then see what happens after a session or two. Postpone the wedding or cancel unless there is a 180 change.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    ernursej said:

    Agree with some counselling and then see what happens after a session or two. Postpone the wedding or cancel unless there is a 180 change.


    I agree with many points.

    Postponing the wedding does not automatically mean ending the relationship.  I agree that a postponement/cancellation at this time is in your best interest.

    Counseling should be strongly encouraged.  If he finds this unnecessary, it speaks again to his inability to compromise or make any changes.

    I respectfully disagree with @ernursej's caveat.  I don't think anyone can make a sincere  or committed complete 180 change in a short amount of time.  I would cancel/postpone the wedding at this point regardless of what is said; I would want to see some real action and change first.

  • MobKaz said:



    ernursej said:


    Agree with some counselling and then see what happens after a session or two. Postpone the wedding or cancel unless there is a 180 change.




    I agree with many points.

    Postponing the wedding does not automatically mean ending the relationship.  I agree that a postponement/cancellation at this time is in your best interest.

    Counseling should be strongly encouraged.  If he finds this unnecessary, it speaks again to his inability to compromise or make any changes.

    I respectfully disagree with @ernursej's caveat.  I don't think anyone can make a sincere  or committed complete 180 change in a short amount of time.  I would cancel/postpone the wedding at this point regardless of what is said; I would want to see some real action and change first.



    Sorry @MobKaz, I wasn't really doing a good job of linking my thoughts. I also agree that there is no way to have a complete 180 in a few short sessions. I was advocating for counselling and see what happens after a few sessions. Perhaps it isn't as bad as OP thinks and it is more of a communication issue instead of fundamental differences. If there seems like a bigger issue, cancel the wedding and decide if you want to continue counselling or leave the relationship. If there seems to be progress, consider just postponing the wedding.

    Both people need to have a voice in the relationship. Sometimes you both give 100% and sometimes one has to put in a bit more or take that leap for the other. In order to give more or take that leap, you need to be heard, listened to, understood and valued for your position.

    MobKazOurWildKingdom
  • Postpone the wedding and start counseling as soon as possible. If, after some counseling, you truly believe that you and your FI can move forward in building a life that works for both of you, then you can reschedule the wedding. If you don't feel like you can come to an understanding after a certain amount of time, then you may have to go your separate ways. 

    I do have to say, I don't like that your FI is so unwilling to compromise and that you seem to be the one making all the concessions. This may need to be the #1 thing you guys work on in counseling. You should not be forced to live someplace where you feel isolated and lonely just because he likes it. If he can't or won't work on this, I think you need to put yourself first and move on. Do you really want to tie yourself down to a life you don't especially want, with someone who isn't supportive of you? 

    I'm truly sorry you are going through this. Best of luck.


    image
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • Premarital counseling is a MUST - even if you had a perfect sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn courtship.  Many churches require this mandatory as part of getting married because it's that important to long-term success.  Also, the statistics show this is a wise investment into the marriage AND, you're going to find out what your deal breakers are for the relationship overall

    I also think you answered your own question.  You're still young (may not feel that way, but in 15 years you will), so there's a point when you move into more "adultier adulting" and he may not be "there" yet.  Better to find this out now than after you're married.  

    If you decide to postpone or cancel, it may seem like a lot of money to lose on any deposits for halls, etc. is nothing in comparison to the cost of a divorce!  
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    OurWildKingdom
  • Thank you everyone for your support through this, I will definitely talk to him about counselling to see how he feels about trying that out.

    It is hard because I work a normal M-F 9-5 job and he works random shifts and weekends, but I'm sure we can find time if it is as important to him as it is to me. This is another thing that can cause relationship stress of course...

    One other thing I didn't mention immediately due to kinda privacy/embarrassment is our lack of... ahem... romantic relationship... We have tried to work on that over the last couple of years but we always just go back to the same old. So not only does that suck/ cause stress but it also makes me think that if we do go to counselling and make changes that we will just revert back to our own ways in no time...
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  • OP, this is truly a very difficult situation but you are lucky to have good self awareness of what is going on.

    DH and I went to some premarital counseling, specifically because they help you talk about the future and tough subjects; aging parents, money planning, kids, etc. It was a great experience. There are places that offer video counseling now, off the top of my head is Talk Space, if that helps with scheduling.

    I have 2 stories.
    My sister was in a relationship kind of like yours (from what you've shared). She and her ex were together for 7ish years, lived together, weren't having sex, loved each other but not a good match. It was painful for them at first but it's been about 18months since they broke up and they are both happier. They still talk and hangout every once in a while but they are better off not as a couple.

    Another couple friends I have had been dating a few years when they got engaged. But she wasn't happy with her life so she re-enrolled in school, starting studying things that took her all over the world and just finished her masters (i think, maybe a doctorate. Definitely an advanced degree). They are still together. She has been gone for YEARS but it still works because he supports her and wants her to be happy.

    Good luck OP. 
    None of this is easy but you are right to trust your gut. Postponing dose not have to mean breaking up if your FI is willing to try. Who knows, you may get to the city and hate it, lol. But he needs to let you find that out.
  • kvrunskvruns member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I second the others about postponing and going through counseling. I know for myself I grew a lot from HS to college and then again in those first few years in the work force. It is possible you two were a great match but this most recent growth being in "the real world" is showing that you have different ideas for your respective futures.

    Speaking from experience, you don't want to be married and have a baby and realize you probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place because it makes things much more difficult than postponing/canceling/breaking up before the wedding.
    short+sassy
  • My DD went through this with a FI she grew up with.  He was in the military and wanted her to come with him, she wanted to go to college. He wouldn't compromise so she called off the wedding. It was hard for a long time, but he is about to marry someone else and she just took her dream job and moved out of state.  She does have another long term BF who seems to support her move, I'm not sure yet if he will follow but I know her and her exFI are both happy now.  After so long together its hard for everybody, but not as hard as a divorce would be.
    charlotte989875short+sassyOurWildKingdom
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