Mom passed away; not sure where to start

knottie0c24a9edadfbb263

I could really use some sound advice...

My mom died in February after a very long illness. Two weeks ago the bf and I got engaged. I don't even know where to start with planning a wedding and I feel totally overwhelmed. I would have gone straight to my Mom for advice; she was my biggest support. I am an only child and my Dad is 12 hours away. He wants to help but has pretty much isolated himself at home to grieve. My closest friends live far away (by my Dad) and taking time off to go there to prepare for a wedding isn't an option right now. I do not want a traditional wedding. Now that my Mom is gone, the idea of all those "traditions" feels unimportant and silly. 

Does anyone have any personal experience with planning a non-traditional wedding that does not involve the MOB?

JaxInBlue

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom!  I hope that you have found a way to grieve for yourself in a way that gives you comfort.

I don't have any personal experience with what you describe, but I can share some practical thoughts about beginning your wedding planning that I hope help.

What I found helpful to keep in mind when starting was that a wedding really only needs the two consenting adults, the license required by your government and, in most cases, an officiant and/or witness.  Everything else is window dressing.

To get started, with your FI, try to get the big picture sorted out:

• How much are you comfortable spending?
• Do you want to include other people? how many? Only as guests or will they have a role in your ceremony?
• Do you want something civil or religious?
• Do you want a certain setting/location/tone?
• Will this be where you live now, in one of your hometowns or somewhere else entirely?

Then come the harder questions:

• Does your budget support your wants?
• Can you two plan the event you want to the degree you will be happy with it?
• If no to either, how do you need to change your plans?  For example, can you bring in a wedding planner or a day-of coordinator? Would cutting back your guest list help or changing seasons?
• What matters most to you? Food, music, photography, etc.  That's where you'll want to prioritize vendors and possible any "extra" money.

The people here can be super helpful answering questions about pros and cons of different types of weddings, help with etiquette, invites, etc. , as well as budgeting and advising on DIY ideas. It can be overwhelming, but asking questions and having a good plan will help.

kaos16

knottie0c24a9edadfbb263 said:

I could really use some sound advice...

My mom died in February after a very long illness. Two weeks ago the bf and I got engaged. I don't even know where to start with planning a wedding and I feel totally overwhelmed. I would have gone straight to my Mom for advice; she was my biggest support. I am an only child and my Dad is 12 hours away. He wants to help but has pretty much isolated himself at home to grieve. My closest friends live far away (by my Dad) and taking time off to go there to prepare for a wedding isn't an option right now. I do not want a traditional wedding. Now that my Mom is gone, the idea of all those "traditions" feels unimportant and silly. 

Does anyone have any personal experience with planning a non-traditional wedding that does not involve the MOB?

I'm sorry for your loss.  You must be going through a very difficult time.

If wedding planning is stressful and overwhelming, why don't you put it out of your mind for a little while.  There is no timeframe set in stone.  Heal yourself first, then plan a wedding.  Remember, there is nothing wrong with talking to a counselor or looking into a support group. 

Take time for you!

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree with @kaos16. There is no rush for planning your wedding. Take some time, grieve, talk to your Dad and/or to a counselor. No matter when you plan your wedding or when you have your wedding, you will miss your Mom - even if it is years down the road. Acknowledge that. Then do what Jaxinblue said about the actual planning. Just don't rush into the planning.

ETA: I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to lose a parent.

downtondiva

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. @JaxInBlue has given some excellent advice on planning your wedding when you are ready to do so. 

And that's the key: when you are ready to do so. You've just been through a huge loss, and it will take some time to work through it and for life to feel at all normal again. When you're grieving, it's hard to imagine caring about the details of things like a wedding, and a lot of it may not feel very meaningful right now. That's why I think it's best to give yourself some time to work through your grief before you get into wedding planning. You will know when you are ready to start planning, and you and FI will take it on together. For now, just be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. 

levioosa

PPs have great suggestions. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I know this must be difficult. Stick around and ask us as many questions as you want! We can help you plan a lovely event, whether it is an elopement, a small intimate wedding with 20 people, or a huge black tie affair. 

southernbelle0915

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I'm sure you're on a major roller coaster right now feeling sad about your mom and happy about the engagement. Hang in there.

FWIW, my mom wasn't involved in our wedding planning really at all. We have a great relationship and she offered to help a lot, but I only took her up on it a couple of times. 

From a  planning standpoint, @JaxInBlue's advice is on point. Make sure your FI has a voice in those decisions too. It's important that his/her voice is heard and needs are met as well.

charlotte989875

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take the time you need to grieve. This must be so hard especially far away from your friends and Dad. 

If it's in the budget, would a wedding planner be something you're interested in? 

sparklepants41

OP, I'm extremely sorry for your loss. I don't have any experience in this area, but hope that you can let your fond memories guide you through the difficult grieving process. I think PPs have it completely covered - and definitely change your username to something recognizable and stick around. 

MissKittyDanger

I was in a similar boat. My dad passed away suddenly in April {3yrs ago Monday tbh} and then my H and I got engaged in October.
Suddenly I was overwhelmed and despite having friends and family around, it wasn't helping.

I leaned a lot on my H to help figure out what we wanted. He's not traditional and I knew a lot of traditions would have to be cut out and/or adjusted.


Best advise I can think of is breath. Talk to your FI. Figure out what works for you guys. Don't let other people's suggestions overwhelm what you guys want, but be open to hearing them.
Allow yourself to be emotional. Sounds absolutely ridiculous, but if you hold in your feelings {whatever they may be} they will come out in another way. Sadness can come out as anger. It could get misdirected.

Speaking to a counselor during the planning as a third party person you can let your emotions out and help you muddle through what the best course of action for yourself is.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry for your loss.

As PPs suggest, take the time you need to grieve and work your way through your sadness until you feel ready to move on and do such things as plan your wedding. If counseling could help you, I would pursue it.

Hopefully in time things will seem less overwhelming and painful.

All the best!

aurianna

I am so sorry for your loss but congratz on your recent engagement.

PPs have given so much great advice.

I think I agree with taking time to grieve and when you are ready, start with the framework that @JaxInBlue laid out. Jax covered the only stuff that's important to worry much about at the beginning.

The exact schedule, "traditions" if any you decide to incorporate, photo locations, flowers, the place settings, invitation & programs, favors, song play lists, aka more minute details, can definitely wait. You do not have to worry about them ANY time soon. And if you trust in a wedding planner you can potentially get by without worrying about any of it ever.


The other option of course, is to lean on your fiance. If he is really excited about planning the details of the wedding and you trust his judgement / think you'd be on a similar page, you could give him the go ahead. Say something like, "I am so excited you asked me to marry you and I am looking so forward to spending our lives together. But right now I need to grieve so I am not ready to plan a wedding. However if you have lots of idea or preferences, feel free to start the research now and compile ideas. I will join you when I'm ready. Is that ok?"
If you know you'll have strong preferences it may be better to wait. But if you don't have set ideas and he does, he could work the heavy lifting if he's up for it.

ahoywedding

I am so, so sorry for your loss! Take your time, grieve, and don't worry about wedding planning until you feel up to it. Lean on your FI. A wedding planner or counselor once you do start planning is a great suggestion.

I don't have any personal experience with losing a parent, but a friend rushed her wedding after her father received an awful diagnosis and she has kind of linked those two memories in her mind now. You'll never forget about your mother, but waiting a little while to plan may help.

SP29

I am very sorry for your loss.

Great advice above. Take the time you need to grieve- there is no rush to have a wedding.

Once you are ready, remember that all you need is you, your FI, a license, an officiant and a witness or two. Beyond that, prioritize what is important to you and your FI and go from there.

CMGragain

knottie0c24a9edadfbb263 said:

I could really use some sound advice...

My mom died in February after a very long illness. Two weeks ago the bf and I got engaged. I don't even know where to start with planning a wedding and I feel totally overwhelmed. I would have gone straight to my Mom for advice; she was my biggest support. I am an only child and my Dad is 12 hours away. He wants to help but has pretty much isolated himself at home to grieve. My closest friends live far away (by my Dad) and taking time off to go there to prepare for a wedding isn't an option right now. I do not want a traditional wedding. Now that my Mom is gone, the idea of all those "traditions" feels unimportant and silly. 

Does anyone have any personal experience with planning a non-traditional wedding that does not involve the MOB?

I am sorry for your recent loss.

A traditional wedding is when two adults obtain a license,  meet with an officiant, and are legally united in marriage.  Legal witnesses are usually required.  That is all.

I am confused by what you mean by a "non-traditional wedding".

I planned my own wedding by myself.  My father had died ten years earlier, and my mother and my only sister were both in the middle of a divorce.  It was fine.  I got to choose what I wanted within an extremely small budget without interference from close family.  My FMIL made a lot of demands, but I dealt with it.

Did I miss my Dad on my wedding day?  Of course I did.  It didn't spoil how special it was to be married to my husband.  Dad would have been happy for me.  I'm sure your Mom would be happy for you, too.

Please don't plan obvious memorials for your Mom at your wedding.  This is not the place to grieve.  I suggest you take a special token, maybe something special from your mother, and carry it privately with you on that day.Best wishes for a special wedding day.