Wedding Woes

Did you ever get counseling?

Dear Prudence,
My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant, and when I found out he stopped the affair a year ago. During the time of his affair if I tried to talk to him he would either not hear me or give a quick response to get back to his phone. If I persisted he would get angry and leave. As I was on bed rest I ignored it and just withdrew into myself to keep my blood pressure from going up and putting my pregnancy in any more jeopardy. My issue is that while he was cheating on me I got used to him ignoring me. So much so that when we have time to ourselves I would much rather read a book than have a conversation. It just became a habit to try to do things on my own. I can sense he is getting frustrated with my always reading or doing individual activities instead of having more couple time. How can I break the habit?

—Too Much Me Time

Re: Did you ever get counseling?

  • *Barbie* said:

    Cheating is a complete dealbreaker for me. He would have been out on his ass. Sounds like she's not particularly interested in spending time with him, so not really sure why she's still with him. 

    She's pregnant. That might be her "reasoning" to stay
    <a href=""><img src="" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
  • like this. 
    Image result for gilmore elephant gestation gif
  • One of the things I've had to struggle with K is that she wants to do things with me and be involved with my life.  exH had so withdrawn into himself for the last years of our marriage that I did learn to do everything on my own and be wholly independent of him.  It's hard as hell to unlearn that habit.  And even when I am working to unlearn it, there's the added benefit of feeling like she's all up in my business and wanting to protect *my* territory, b/c that habit was formed as a defense of being lonely and hurt about that.

    I guess, if LW is really still wanting to try, both partners need to work on it.  He can't suddenly expect her to be all warm, cozy, and giving, and give her some space.  She needs to learn to pay attention at times again, but have some clear boundaries about how much she's willing to give (and push beyond that a little more).
  • I can't articulate what I want to say aside from her walls are still up from the cheating and it is hard to bring those down even if you want to. I struggle daily to try to bring mine down (not from cheating), like it can be on the tip of my tongue to want to cuddle on the couch or hold hands when we take a walk, but at the same time I just can't do it. So i get it. 
  • On the cheating, I can't help but add.  It's bad enough he cheated on his pregnant wife.  But he cheated on his pregnant wife ON BED REST with a high risk pregnancy.  That's 10x despicable.  Unlike a lot of people, I'm not necessarily in the "if he cheats, it's a dealbreaker" camp.  But I am in the DTMF "if he cheats when my life and/or our baby's life might depend on him being around as much as possible" camp.

    Obviously the LW stayed, despite her H showing less than zero concern for her health or their baby's health, so I'll echo the other PPs.  She should certainly start including him her life more, for lack of a better phrase, but it's going to take some time.  Habits take time to change.  Definitely counseling, if they aren't already in it.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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