Wedding Woes

He's just not that into you.

Dear Prudence, 
Last summer, I met John during an internship. We quickly became close and developed a friends-with-benefits relationship about three months in. When the internship ended, we visited each other (he lives about an hour’s flight away), and just as I realized that I was falling for him, he broke things off. When I asked why, he mumbled something about “not really connecting on a deeper level.” This was both surprising and hurtful: I thought we were quite close, and intellectually and sexually compatible. I fell for him in the first place because I thought we were connecting on a deep level. I’d made it clear from the start I wanted to keep things casual, so I know commitment and/or being long distance weren’t an issue, so he must have genuinely thought there was something wrong with our connection. We'll be living in the same city starting next autumn, and I'm not sure what to do—I'd love to reconnect with him, but not if we have diametrically opposed views on our “relationship.” Help!

—The One That Got Away

Re: He's just not that into you.

  • Her desire to reconnect seems awfully one-sided, and I'm pretty sure this is something both parties have to want. 
  • atomicblondeatomicblonde The Shire
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    This happened to me, once.  I moved on.

    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • I think a good rule of thumb for people is don't put too much value on what people say when they are breaking up.

    I know!  It's tough.  I've been guilty of it also.  The burning desire to want to know WHY.  To know what went wrong.  The breaker-upper either doesn't really know themselves or doesn't want to get into it.  So they say stupid s**t like, "We didn't have a deeper connection."

    You can tell the LW has ruminated over that phrase countless times.  It's crazy making.

    If she doesn't think she can separate her emotions, she needs to let this go and not contact him.  But, if she can go in with an open mind and no expectations, call him and meet up for coffee.  See if there is a "vibe" between them.  If so, then go on a few dates (no sex) and then have a conversation about her interest in a relationship, something more serious than before, etc.  Perhaps, now that they live in the same place, he would be more interested in that.  But she needs to also be prepared that yeah...he's just not that into her.   

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  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence, 
    ..............We'll be living in the same city starting next autumn............

    I just like it when people say 'autumn' instead of 'fall'.


    My Canadian workmate refers to autumn as fall and it always takes me a few seconds to work out what he is saying. 

    It took me a long time to figure out that what we call capsicum is what is known as a bell pepper in the UK and North America.  And 'double cream' is just regular pouring cream over here. 

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