Wedding Woes

In-Law Issues - Really Long Post***

My fiancé and I have been together for 9 years. We have one child together. Throughout our relationship we've gotten to know each other's family. Early on in the relationship, I used to stay at his house and was practically living there part time when I was pregnant. His family and I got along pretty well and I once heard his mom refer to me as her daughter. I would tell my friends about his mom and I's relationship and they'd always tell me it wasn't so smooth with their boyfriends' moms. My fiancé's mom was really excited about us having our child, her first grandchild; so imagine my surprise once our son was born and everything started changing. In the short version my fiancé's mom thought she knew how to raise my son better than I did and would constantly cause unnecessary drama. Things finally came to a head one evening and my fiancé told her, according to her she wouldn't see our son again. Eventually they made up. I made a conscious effort to put the past behind me and continue to build our relationship. Things were fine.

Last fall we got engaged. I asked my fiancé where he would tell his parents and he said in due time. He's a man of few words and moves on his time when it comes to sharing life events. (He didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until about 14-16 weeks along). His mother's 50th birthday was coming up and I encouraged him to surprise her and bring the baby. I happened to be visiting my family the same weekend so we all ended up going. After the festivities, he broke the news to his mom, dad, brother and sister. In that moment everyone seemed happy and offered congratulations. That was months ago. One evening we're sitting down after dinner and fiancé gets a call. It's his mother asking who's idea was it for us to have a destination wedding and how expensive the tickets are. They had a 4 family package with an all inclusive hotel plus flight and airport pickup/drop accommodations for 5 days for $4,000. It may seem like a lot but it was more reasonable than them flying to our state and spending the same amount of money. We chose a destination wedding because we are paying for the wedding alone and couldn't afford to have a wedding in the states. Also, we thought it'd be a great way for everyone to really take a vacation, reconnect with family and relax themselves. 

Anyhow, she kept badgering him about who's idea was it and the cost. He had already told her it was his and she actually said no it wasn't. So he kept asking her what would she like him to do. She just continued harping. Because he was getting really upset I took our son upstairs so he could have privacy to finish speaking with his mom. He came upstairs a while later and started going off about how he knew this would happen, blah blah blah. Since I didn't know what else to say I asked if he would like me to cancel the wedding. He went outside to vent some more and I gave him space that night. The next day I find out he uninvited his parents and brother to the wedding via text. I told him he was wrong for bringing his father and brother into it when his mom was the one who called. He told me that they were all in agreement and his mom was just the voice. I asked how he knew that and he said neither his dad nor the brother called or texted him back. I said what did you want them to reply? He asked me if my brother didn't know about the conversation I had with my mom but got a text saying he was uninvited, would he call me right away and ask what was going on. Knowing my siblings they would. He said the only reason they didn't text back was because they were all upset about having to spend money to come to our wedding. So instead of them having to spend the money, he'd just be the bad guy and uninvite them.  

Calls from his cousin confirmed what he told me. But not only that I found out his family was upset about a lot of things concerning the wedding and even back to him moving out when we had our son. They were saying things like they bet my mom knew about the wedding first, I was being inconsiderate having a destination wedding, they weren't included in the wedding plans (although his brother was going to be the best man and his sister the flower girl) and so on. Mind you, they were the only people who were told in person of our upcoming nuptials. They were the first to receive the details. Anyhow my fiancé told me he knew they weren't genuinely happy the day we broke the news and it isn't about money, they're just mad they don't have a say so in anything. He originally agreed to reach out to his dad and brother to re-invite them but once he heard all they had to say behind his back, he said forget it. I tried reaching out to his family to explain how hurt he was over the whole situation. His mom actually said he has nothing to be hurt about and he is the one who hurt her. Both her and the brother told me they didn't plan on apologizing to him and if he wanted them at the wedding he needs to call. 

Fiancé says it doesn't matter whether they come or not because he won't forget the fact that they're not genuinely happy for him. I told him he may regret it if on our wedding day he looks out, my whole family is there and his parents/brother aren't but he says he's over it. It's less than two months before our wedding and it seems as thought they're really sticking to it and not coming to the wedding. I've been trying to put it out my mind but some days, as you see by this post, it really bothers me. Not only does he not have their support but after 9 years and a child, it hurts knowing they aren't willing to support us. Out of all the guests we invited, they're the only ones who had such things to say... at least to our faces.

I guess I'm not actually asking what to do but just how can I work through this? I just don't even know what I actually need.

Sorry for the long post!!! I just needed to get it out. 

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Re: In-Law Issues - Really Long Post***

  • Ugh, I sympathize with you, OP.  My MIL is also a character, to put it mildly.  She is currently estranged from all her kids, so I don't need to deal with her.

    1.  Destination weddings can be cost/time prohibitive, as PP already said.  You can't make that decision without consulting all your VIP guests, and then be upset if they can't attend.
    2.  Your FI may think he was totally justified in univiting his family, but from an outside opinion, he reacted rashly in a time when emotions were heated.  Being unenthusiastic about your wedding isn't not, in itself, a very good reason to cut ties.  When I emailed my brothers that we were engaged, it took them several days to respond, and they were mostly concerned with bachelor party details.
    3.  He should at least consider the long term impact this will have in his future relationship with his family, because if he continues down this path it is a difficult bump to overcome in their relationship.  It may save him some grief in the future to just suck up his pride, apologize, and re-invite them.  Ignore the whining behind your back, and let them make the decision if they can come or not.
    4.  It is 100% uncool that they blame you for the decision to have a destination wedding, or moving out of their house.  They sound over bearing.
  • Your MIL does sound as PP said, overbearing if she got made he moved out of her house. Sounds like she is having a hard time letting go. 

    However, destination weddings can be expensive, out of country travel can be hard for some people, and do take more time/money/planning even for guests than in country weddings do. So, if it's important that particular guests attend it's a good idea to discuss these plans with them while you're making them. Do you have to? No. But it does help avoid situations like this. 

    Additionally, I completely understand why your FI was hurt and upset, I would be, too. But uninviting them is pretty harsh, especially over text message. He is free to do that, but again there are likely to be some long term consequences of that choice. 

    Moving forward I would sit down with your FI, ideally with a pre-marital counselor, and discuss what is most important here. Is it having your FILs at your wedding? Is it your FI sticking by his choice? You two need to be on the same page with this. 
  • I haven't been trying to discuss it with him. I just feel overwhelmed with the whole situation.

    As far as discussing it with the VIP people, we told them first. We hadn't put down any deposits or bought tickets at the time we broke the news. At no time in the conversation or the months to follow did they ever say there was an issue. They waited until 2 months before to voice anything. Furthermore, the cousin is involved because the mother called her to tell her everything and she was trying to mediate the situation. Also, the same cousin was the one who was dealing with their accommodations. She could have found them something cheaper but no one told her the cost was an issue. In addition to that, the cousin even offered to pay for their entire trip.

    I agree FL was rude in uninviting them and was planning on calling to apologize and re-invite them until he heard all the other things they had to say.

    Do I think the situation is being handled immaturely, I do but I am dealing with a bunch of stubborn people so...
  • To be honest, the plane tickets to my state from where his parents live are about $450, hotels are about $275-$300 a night ( not all inclusive). Then they'd need to add transportation costs once here because they don't drive. I checked the prices myself, tickets to our DW are $350 and a 4 night stay at a regular hotel is $450. In all they would have spent $1,850 compared to $1,800 on flights alone to fly to our state. 

    To to put the whole destination vs local wedding in perspective, the wedding I wanted would cost me $20,000 to do where his parents live. No I am not exaggerating. Wedding rental halls alone cost upwards $8,000. Then I'd have to factor in everything else. Whereas I'm spending $5,000 for a destination wedding, everything included. Google the cost of an average wedding in NY, it's between $45,000 and $88,000. 

    They have spent the same if not more money every year on flights alone to travel back to their country. In addition, a relative offered to pay the entire cost of the trip if they were indeed really struggling. FL would not have decided on a DW wedding if he knew it would too much of a financial burden on them. He invited 5 people in total to our wedding; his parents, 2 siblings and cousin. 

    Also, it is not dictating their vacation plans, it's thinking they would enjoy being around family in a different atmosphere. 
  • Google the average cost of having a wedding in NY vs having it in the Caribbean l. Believe me my dear, extremely huge every difference. It was not a spur of the moment decision, it was carefully planned with financial aspects in mind. To me, it's not a realtive's wedding. It's your first child's wedding. I could be wrong but I don't really think that harping over who's idea it was and the cost was something she should have called to tell him. I see things differently when it comes to family, especially my mother and siblings. Money would never determine whether or not I celebrate a momentous occasion in their life. I'm speaking from experience having paid to fly to his mother's birthday dinner and ultimately FL paid for it even though he wasn't the one hosting, talking about how expensive a ticket to his wedding is, is pretty distasteful. 


  • Google the average cost of having a wedding in NY vs having it in the Caribbean l. Believe me my dear, extremely huge every difference. It was not a spur of the moment decision, it was carefully planned with financial aspects in mind. To me, it's not a realtive's wedding. It's your first child's wedding. I could be wrong but I don't really think that harping over who's idea it was and the cost was something she should have called to tell him. I see things differently when it comes to family, especially my mother and siblings. Money would never determine whether or not I celebrate a momentous occasion in their life. I'm speaking from experience having paid to fly to his mother's birthday dinner and ultimately FL paid for it even though he wasn't the one hosting, talking about how expensive a ticket to his wedding is, is pretty distasteful. 



    Well, there's average, and then there are individual budgets.  The average person doesn't spend the average amount for a wedding, esp. in NY.  The people throwing million dollar weddings skew the average considerably; the median is a lot more useful, if you're trying to compare.  But even that is irrelevant: it's not your job to decide how much money they can or should spend.  They set their own budget, based on how much they feel comfortable spending.  You can disregard it, but then don't be surprised if it means they don't attend.


  • Google the average cost of having a wedding in NY vs having it in the Caribbean l. Believe me my dear, extremely huge every difference. It was not a spur of the moment decision, it was carefully planned with financial aspects in mind. To me, it's not a realtive's wedding. It's your first child's wedding. I could be wrong but I don't really think that harping over who's idea it was and the cost was something she should have called to tell him. I see things differently when it comes to family, especially my mother and siblings. Money would never determine whether or not I celebrate a momentous occasion in their life. I'm speaking from experience having paid to fly to his mother's birthday dinner and ultimately FL paid for it even though he wasn't the one hosting, talking about how expensive a ticket to his wedding is, is pretty distasteful. 


    I think your outlook here is rather.....young?  Naive? 

    When your first child gets married I think you're going to hope that you are consulted in the plans if it's that important for you to attend.   Because your first born is important to you, you often think that you're important enough to be factored into the plans and not simply told how things will be.

    The concept that "money would never determine whether or not I celebrate a momentous occasion" is well....laughable.   Money determines plenty.  If you flew to his parents location to BE with his parents for his mother's birthday that's much different than picking a completely different location for your wedding.   They aren't really comparable unless his mom had a destination birthday party.   I'm also going to take a shot in the dark here and guess that it didn't cost you $4000 to attend his mom's birthday dinner. 

    I hope you read a lot of the comments here.   

    If you're already having a troubling relationship with someone it's hard to listen to their complaints as valid.   Instead you see them as one more way that they're wrong.

    But please try to listen to those who are writing here.  You don't have to love everything about your future in laws, but some of their points are valid and you need to understand that. 


  • I think you just need to put the ball in their court, at this point.  It sounds like they like to a lot of say over things that don't concern them (I.e parenting).

    Ideally, and I realize you may have very little say in this, your FI would profusely apologize for his rudeness. He'd tell them that of course he wants them there, and try to facilitate that as much as possible.  If they show up, they show up. If they decide this wasn't something they want to spend their money on then that's their prerogative.  Put the hurt feelings and assumptions about their financial status away.  If they miss their son's wedding because they didn't feel they had enough control over it, then ultimately it's them who pay that price. 

    Finally, ignore the petty drama. They can ask until they're blue in the face whose idea it was, but they won't get the answer they want. They can moan behind your backs, but you know who looks bad if they do that?  Not you if you handle it with some grace and tact.
  • No one asked them to apologize. When I spoke to them to express how hurt he was, that was their response. I called to let them know that he was really hurt by their words and actions and it would be best for all of them to sit down and have a conversation about the whole situation. Both parties were wrong but neither party wants to be the first to speak. Yes what FL did was wrong but he would not have uninvited them had they not expressed such displeasure. At one point in the conversation his mother even said he didn't want them there anyway. In his mind uninviting them helped to make the decision not to come easier for them and he'd take the blame. 



  • Your FI seems to lack communication skills
  • When we told them we were getting married, we also said it was going to be a destination wedding. No plans had been made towards it at that time so if they had a concern, wouldn't that have been the time to voice it? Why wait until two months before the wedding to say something? 

    Don't get me wrong, $4,000 is a lot of money but considering they spend that on a yearly basis to travel to their country AND there were other cheaper options they decided not to explore, I don't think this is just about money. 

    When I spoke to his mom she said "I was never not going to come to the wedding...". If she planned on coming to the wedding why the call? Am I missing something? I wouldn't accept and invitation only to complain to the person how much it's gonna cost me to attend. The father and brother aren't coming to my knowledge. But the fact that his mom hasn't said anything regarding travel plans, I feel as though she may not be coming either. 

    The entire fanily has an issue with conflict management. They do not communicate well and hold grudges for stupid shit. However, since I've been with FL, he has been working towards communicating more with me and has even agreed to go to counseling to work through it. The post was a summary of the issue but I didn't leave out anything so to speak. I do however feel as though there is a bigger issue than the wedding going on between the family. 

    I don't condone his actions of uninviting them. But I have to stand by him in his decision. His feelings are the ones that matter most. 

    I'd like to pose this thought... Even if it is too expensive for the entire family to travel, doesn't anyone think the parents or one parent should at least be present? 
  • I obviously in the minority, but it seems like this is your FI's normal family dynamic reading the history.  If FI is tired of the dynamic and doesn't see it changing, and wants to cut out what sounds like people who give him a headache all the time, he's absolutely allowed to.  

    You need to stay out of it.   Let FI take care of it or not take care of it, as he sees fit.


  • @Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 I live and got married in NY, and I did not spend anywhere near $45,000. So please, don't try to use that as an excuse. 

    A destination wedding is absolutely dictating someone's vacation. How is it not? 

    This is the risk you run of planning a wedding of the country without giving any thought of how your guests will afford it. Sorry. I think you and your FI are behaving badly towards his parents and siblings. 


     Plus her FI was inviting only 5 people (now that 3 are uninvited just 2 people). Even if OP has 4x as many people on her side she could still afford a nice wedding for 30 people without spending $5000.




  • To be honest, the plane tickets to my state from where his parents live are about $450, hotels are about $275-$300 a night ( not all inclusive). Then they'd need to add transportation costs once here because they don't drive. I checked the prices myself, tickets to our DW are $350 and a 4 night stay at a regular hotel is $450. In all they would have spent $1,850 compared to $1,800 on flights alone to fly to our state. 


    So with this information, I think this is just an unfortunate situation of the couple living far away from family. It sounds like they researched the cost and the DW would actually be cheaper for FI's folks.  

    Short of moving their wedding to his parents' home town, they are taking costs into account and trying to plan with that in mind. Could they do that? Sure. But when you have families in multiple places, someone's going to have to travel. 

    I don't disagree with others that the "if you love me, you'll make this work" attitude is abysmal and dripping with privilege, but it sounds like they've done the best they can to research cost.
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  • If how you have delt with the MIL is anywhere as defensive and hostile as you have been on these posts, I'm not surprised there are major issues. Sure, she sounds like a piece of work, but you are coming across as very self-centred and lacking in awareness of the messages your actions send to others. 

    For every statement you say that a parent should be there, one could flip it and say: DW say that the b&g care more about the party than having the people there. 

    I also think DW at AIs that require staying to attend are beyond rude. There is no way an international, set length, AI DW is cheaper than having it locally. Especially with Airbnbs, hotel points,  and the ability to moderate length of attendance (i.e.  flying in the morning and leaving the next day). 

    Also, just because it's an AI, I sure hope you are still hosting the wedding reception/drinks separately in addition to the AI package. You cannot have guests essentially pay for their own AI meal and drinks. Also, with DW you need to have a better level of hosting: full open bar, day before welcome parties, brunches etc. If you are asking ppl fly internationally for 3 days, you should host something over those 3 days. 

    You our need to either:
    a) own the fact that you just WANTED a DW and didn't really think of guests ability to attend (they are terribly inconvenient) 
    or
    b) rethink your plans and try to figure out a convenient and affordable location if you want ppl to attend. 

    It comes down to vision vs people attending. You just need to own your decision and stop deflecting it on all these non-existent factors you say are out of your control. 
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