Large family--> where to draw the "cut off"

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

Okay so I have an extremely large family... mother is one of 17, and I have close to 75 cousins on one side.  In the past my older cousins have made the "cut-off" 21 and over (meaning no cousins under 21 are invited).  Now that I am getting married there are even more "over 21 year old" cousins (obviously as more time goes on everyone will be over 21). Our budget/venue is not large enough to accommodate inviting all cousins, its also not big enough to accommodate all cousins over 21 (plus their SO's). What do you think an appropriate "cut-off" (dislike this word) is? My fiancé and I (and my parents) have been contemplating only married cousins; this decreases the amount drastically (very helpful for us). But is this considered rude?

I would love to get your thoughts/advice.

STARMOON44

That seems like the rudest possible cut off. Why are your married cousins more important than single cousins? How about just ones you see regularly?

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

STARMOON44 said:

That seems like the rudest possible cut off. Why are your married cousins more important than single cousins? How about just ones you see regularly?

I see them all the same amount (graduation parties, holidays, showers, etc.). There would be no way to say "Im inviting you because we are closest"

Our thinking was most of the married couples are older (25+) so it was like an extension of the age cut off

STARMOON44

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

STARMOON44 said:

That seems like the rudest possible cut off. Why are your married cousins more important than single cousins? How about just ones you see regularly?

I see them all the same amount (graduation parties, holidays, showers, etc.). There would be no way to say "Im inviting you because we are closest"

Our thinking was most of the married couples are older (25+) so it was like an extension of the age cut off

Then either invite all or none. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

STARMOON44 said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

STARMOON44 said:

That seems like the rudest possible cut off. Why are your married cousins more important than single cousins? How about just ones you see regularly?

I see them all the same amount (graduation parties, holidays, showers, etc.). There would be no way to say "Im inviting you because we are closest"

Our thinking was most of the married couples are older (25+) so it was like an extension of the age cut off

Then either invite all or none. 

Thank you for your advice

Lulawife

If I were you, I would invite none of your cousins if you don't have room for all and you see them an equal amount of time. If the list is that drastically reduced by only inviting married cousins, you may as well just keep reducing the list to none of them. No risk of hurt feelings, arbitrary cutoffs, etc. 

southernbelle0915

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

Okay so I have an extremely large family... mother is one of 17, and I have close to 75 cousins on one side.  In the past my older cousins have made the "cut-off" 21 and over (meaning no cousins under 21 are invited).  Now that I am getting married there are even more "over 21 year old" cousins (obviously as more time goes on everyone will be over 21). Our budget/venue is not large enough to accommodate inviting all cousins, its also not big enough to accommodate all cousins over 21 (plus their SO's). What do you think an appropriate "cut-off" (dislike this word) is? My fiancé and I (and my parents) have been contemplating only married cousins; this decreases the amount drastically (very helpful for us). But is this considered rude?

I would love to get your thoughts/advice.

why did you choose a venue that can't accommodate everyone you want to invite?

If you have to make cuts and you aren't willing to just invite who you're closest to, I wouldn't invite any cousins. Just draw the line there. Sure you'll have some hurt feelings probably but you'd have that anyway by making an arbitrary age cut off.

The only etiquette advice that would really apply here is that anyone you invite needs to be invited wth their SO. If they are truly single (no bf/gf, spouse, partner, etc.) then you do not have to extend a plus one if you don't have space.

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

I understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

Okay so I have an extremely large family... mother is one of 17, and I have close to 75 cousins on one side.  In the past my older cousins have made the "cut-off" 21 and over (meaning no cousins under 21 are invited).  Now that I am getting married there are even more "over 21 year old" cousins (obviously as more time goes on everyone will be over 21). Our budget/venue is not large enough to accommodate inviting all cousins, its also not big enough to accommodate all cousins over 21 (plus their SO's). What do you think an appropriate "cut-off" (dislike this word) is? My fiancé and I (and my parents) have been contemplating only married cousins; this decreases the amount drastically (very helpful for us). But is this considered rude?

I would love to get your thoughts/advice.

why did you choose a venue that can't accommodate everyone you want to invite?

If you have to make cuts and you aren't willing to just invite who you're closest to, I wouldn't invite any cousins. Just draw the line there. Sure you'll have some hurt feelings probably but you'd have that anyway by making an arbitrary age cut off.

The only etiquette advice that would really apply here is that anyone you invite needs to be invited wth their SO. If they are truly single (no bf/gf, spouse, partner, etc.) then you do not have to extend a plus one if you don't have space.

In a perfect world we would be able to afford a venue that can hold 300 people and afford to feed all of those people, but that just wasn't possible.

I personally think inviting who I'm closest to would not go over well with my family... all or none will have to be the option I guess. 

southernbelle0915

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

I understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

It feels like you're wanting people to say "go ahead and invite anyone 26 or over". While you can do that, it seems arbitrary and weird. I mean, you'll end up with a people you don't care for while excluding people you do want to be there.

I find it odd that in a group of literally 75 cousins why you can't pick like 10-15 with whom you're close (also coming from a large family, it's obvious who's close and who's not) and only invite them. Fill the rest of your space with friends. 

In a family that large, any drama created will be soon forgotten with other weddings, babies, graduations and family events. 

MobKaz

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

MobKaz said:

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 

MobKaz

I guess I'm confused.  In a prior post, you said, "understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

I still think it might be easiest to invite a few remaining friends rather than open up Pandora's box with the cousin dilemma.   Could you leave the guest list as is and use the remaining budget to upgrade some foods or beverages?

LondonLisa

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

MobKaz said:

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 

Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

LondonLisa said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

MobKaz said:

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 

Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 

No one, especially on this forum, needs to tell me an age cut off is okay. It is accepted in my family. I was just curious if anyone else has had similar dilemmas/advice on the matter. Thank you for yours!

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

MobKaz said:

I guess I'm confused.  In a prior post, you said, "understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

I still think it might be easiest to invite a few remaining friends rather than open up Pandora's box with the cousin dilemma.   Could you leave the guest list as is and use the remaining budget to upgrade some foods or beverages?

Yes we could absolutely, but with the extra "room" available I would have rather invited family over friends.

Upgrading other areas could be great, thank you!

LondonLisa

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

MobKaz said:

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 

Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 

No one, especially on this forum, needs to tell me an age cut off is okay. It is accepted in my family. I was just curious if anyone else has had similar dilemmas/advice on the matter. Thank you for yours!

But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.

Lulawife

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

MobKaz said:

I guess I'm confused.  In a prior post, you said, "understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

I still think it might be easiest to invite a few remaining friends rather than open up Pandora's box with the cousin dilemma.   Could you leave the guest list as is and use the remaining budget to upgrade some foods or beverages?

Yes we could absolutely, but with the extra "room" available I would have rather invited family over friends.

Upgrading other areas could be great, thank you!

Re: the bolded. If your venue limit is 175 people did you include your vendors in this count? Or consider what the space is like if filled to capacity? My venue told me it could comfortably seat 320. Our final number was 287 and the room was crowded but still comfortable. There was no way it would've been comfortable with another 3-4 tables. The venue will pack as many people as the fire marshal will allow in the space because it means more money for them, but it doesn't necessarily mean comfort for you or your guests. You may be better off not trying to fill that extra room. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

LondonLisa said:

But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.

I do want 30 specific people... 30 cousins to be exact; I wish I had a smaller family and then this would be a non-issue. I could invite 30  "friends" and be done with it. But I would rather have my family there. Unfortunately my budget and time frame (can't have tea and cake in the park during the winter) are the issues, not my "vision."  

DrillSergeantCat

In 75 cousins, there's zero that you're closer to because of age, proximity, or whatever else? I have a bunch of cousins, too, and am close to 2 of them. You're overthinking this and about to piss some people off with how you're going about your cut off.

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

I understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

It feels like you're wanting people to say "go ahead and invite anyone 26 or over". While you can do that, it seems arbitrary and weird. I mean, you'll end up with a people you don't care for while excluding people you do want to be there.

I find it odd that in a group of literally 75 cousins why you can't pick like 10-15 with whom you're close (also coming from a large family, it's obvious who's close and who's not) and only invite them. Fill the rest of your space with friends. 

In a family that large, any drama created will be soon forgotten with other weddings, babies, graduations and family events. 

With a family as large as mine I am not particularly closer with some over others... No one "hangs out" other than at family gatherings, which do occur often. If I don't make an arbitrary rule I might as well pick out of a hat (they are all equally as close to me).  I at least thought a "rule" would be better than essentially saying "I don't value our relationship as much as the ones I have with these other cousins"

You're correct the drama created, regardless of the decision, will blow over quickly (if it even occurs). 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

Lulawife said:

Re: the bolded. If your venue limit is 175 people did you include your vendors in this count? Or consider what the space is like if filled to capacity? My venue told me it could comfortably seat 320. Our final number was 287 and the room was crowded but still comfortable. There was no way it would've been comfortable with another 3-4 tables. The venue will pack as many people as the fire marshal will allow in the space because it means more money for them, but it doesn't necessarily mean comfort for you or your guests. You may be better off not trying to fill that extra room. 

Thank you for this, it is important to think about. And technically 200 is the limit, but they suggest no more than 175. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

DrillSergeantCat said:

In 75 cousins, there's zero that you're closer to because of age, proximity, or whatever else? I have a bunch of cousins, too, and am close to 2 of them. You're overthinking this and about to piss some people off with how you're going about your cut off.

Because of age yes, but over 21 I am equally close with all of them. They all (no joke) live in the same city as we do. I wish I was super close to a certain number of them to just invite the select few, but I am honestly not. 

I don't think I will piss people off because the age cut off is the norm with our family, but it is a possibility. 

MobKaz

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

MobKaz said:

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 

Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 

No one, especially on this forum, needs to tell me an age cut off is okay. It is accepted in my family. I was just curious if anyone else has had similar dilemmas/advice on the matter. Thank you for yours!

To be fair, you posed this question on the etiquette forum.  If not here, then where?

charlotte989875

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.

I do want 30 specific people... 30 cousins to be exact; I wish I had a smaller family and then this would be a non-issue. I could invite 30  "friends" and be done with it. But I would rather have my family there. Unfortunately my budget and time frame (can't have tea and cake in the park during the winter) are the issues, not my "vision."  

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly; why can't you just invite these 30 cousins?

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

MobKaz said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

MobKaz said:

Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.

Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 

Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 

No one, especially on this forum, needs to tell me an age cut off is okay. It is accepted in my family. I was just curious if anyone else has had similar dilemmas/advice on the matter. Thank you for yours!

To be fair, you posed this question on the etiquette forum.  If not here, then where?

I simply meant many of you may think an age cut off is "not okay," but with my family it is the norm. 

DrillSergeantCat

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

With a family as large as mine I am not particularly closer with some over others... No one "hangs out" other than at family gatherings, which do occur often. If I don't make an arbitrary rule I might as well pick out of a hat (they are all equally as close to me).  I at least thought a "rule" would be better than essentially saying "I don't value our relationship as much as the ones I have with these other cousins"

You're correct the drama created, regardless of the decision, will blow over quickly (if it even occurs). 

The conversation (if there is one) would go like this:

Cousin: Hey Knottie#'s I didn't get an invitation to your wedding.
Knottie#'s: Yeah...I'm sorry. We just weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to invite. Have you tried the bean dip?

If you're not close, why would they even care?

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

charlotte989875 said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.

I do want 30 specific people... 30 cousins to be exact; I wish I had a smaller family and then this would be a non-issue. I could invite 30  "friends" and be done with it. But I would rather have my family there. Unfortunately my budget and time frame (can't have tea and cake in the park during the winter) are the issues, not my "vision."  

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly; why can't you just invite these 30 cousins?

I don't know how to "choose" which 30 cousins to invite. I think it would cause more drama to decide based off of closeness or liking one over the other than picking some arbitrary rule. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

DrillSergeantCat said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

With a family as large as mine I am not particularly closer with some over others... No one "hangs out" other than at family gatherings, which do occur often. If I don't make an arbitrary rule I might as well pick out of a hat (they are all equally as close to me).  I at least thought a "rule" would be better than essentially saying "I don't value our relationship as much as the ones I have with these other cousins"

You're correct the drama created, regardless of the decision, will blow over quickly (if it even occurs). 

The conversation (if there is one) would go like this:

Cousin: Hey Knottie#'s I didn't get an invitation to your wedding.
Knottie#'s: Yeah...I'm sorry. We just weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to invite. Have you tried the bean dip?

If you're not close, why would they even care?

Because the "usual" rule in the family is all cousins over 21 are invited. I would be the first person to change the "rule."

You're right though, I shouldn't make it a big deal. I can't invite everyone

LondonLisa

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.

I do want 30 specific people... 30 cousins to be exact; I wish I had a smaller family and then this would be a non-issue. I could invite 30  "friends" and be done with it. But I would rather have my family there. Unfortunately my budget and time frame (can't have tea and cake in the park during the winter) are the issues, not my "vision."  

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly; why can't you just invite these 30 cousins?

I don't know how to "choose" which 30 cousins to invite. I think it would cause more drama to decide based off of closeness or liking one over the other than picking some arbitrary rule. 

...Then you don't have 30 specific people you want to invite. You have 30 invitation spaces to give to people because you want a young party and you want young people props to fill those spaces. 

If you are equally close with everyone, and you can't chose 15 cousins (and their partners) to invite, then invite none of them. Why are you arbitrarily trying to come up with a rule?

I also don't buy that there isn't a church hall/community centre or any sort of venue that you could have an indoor cake and punch for everyone. It's fine to want your venue, but again, you need to own the fact that you made this problem for yourself by picking your venue before finalising your guest list. 

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da

LondonLisa said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

charlotte989875 said:

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da said:

LondonLisa said:

But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.

I do want 30 specific people... 30 cousins to be exact; I wish I had a smaller family and then this would be a non-issue. I could invite 30  "friends" and be done with it. But I would rather have my family there. Unfortunately my budget and time frame (can't have tea and cake in the park during the winter) are the issues, not my "vision."  

Maybe I'm not understanding correctly; why can't you just invite these 30 cousins?

I don't know how to "choose" which 30 cousins to invite. I think it would cause more drama to decide based off of closeness or liking one over the other than picking some arbitrary rule. 

...Then you don't have 30 specific people you want to invite. You have 30 invitation spaces to give to people because you want a young party and you want young people props to fill those spaces. 

If you are equally close with everyone, and you can't chose 15 cousins (and their partners) to invite, then invite none of them. Why are you arbitrarily trying to come up with a rule?

I also don't buy that there isn't a church hall/community centre or any sort of venue that you could have an indoor cake and punch for everyone. It's fine to want your venue, but again, you need to own the fact that you made this problem for yourself by picking your venue before finalising your guest list. 

Again, if I wanted young props I would invite 30 "friends" and have no issues, so your comments are not very helpful.

Yes I love my venue, and I've already put a large nonrefundable deposit down, so I did create the problem for myself. Your advice is again very unhelpful.