Thank you cards for rude, inconsiderate guests/family

Knottie1435002966

I've posted a few times, mostly about how frustrated I was with the groom's involvement in wedding planning.  Our wedding was AMAZING!  I have no words about how proud I am to be his wife. I now know what the initial problem was, HIS FAMILY! He was anxious and afraid of his family being involved in our ceremony.  They caused problems from day 1.  If I had the choice, I wouldn't send them thank you cards.  I'm not thankful for anything they did, I'd rather they didn't even come.  However, they attended, some gave cards, and proper etiquette dictates they receive our thank yous.  I need opinions on what wording would be appropriate? Would it be rude to simply state, "Thank you for attending our wedding.  We appreciate your cards and blessings.  The Smiths"?  What wording would you suggest?

JeeGooDowster

Knottie1435002966 said:

I've posted a few times, mostly about how frustrated I was with the groom's involvement in wedding planning.  Our wedding was AMAZING!  I have no words about how proud I am to be his wife. I now know what the initial problem was, HIS FAMILY! He was anxious and afraid of his family being involved in our ceremony.  They caused problems from day 1.  If I had the choice, I wouldn't send them thank you cards.  I'm not thankful for anything they did, I'd rather they didn't even come.  However, they attended, some gave cards, and proper etiquette dictates they receive our thank yous.  I need opinions on what wording would be appropriate? Would it be rude to simply state, "Thank you for attending our wedding.  We appreciate your cards and blessings.  The Smiths"?  What wording would you suggest?

I don't see this one going over well with our seasoned knotties.  I don't think you give TY cards for just attending...you thank them for gifts given or maybe thanking them for the helping out of the wedding (which they are not obligated to do).

geebee908

You should have thanked them for their attendance at your reception. If they didn't give a gift, you don't need to send a thank-you note. If they did give a gift, graciously acknowledge your appreciation of the gift with a thank-you note. Behavior and gift-giving are not related in any way. You're thanking them for a gift they didn't have to give to you.

short+sassy

@JeeGooDowster is absolutely correct.  You only send TY notes for gifts.  You don't send a TY note if a guest just attended your wedding and/or just gave a card.  Of course, if there was money/check/gift card in the card...ie, a gift...then a TY note would need to be written.

For TY notes that do need to be written for gifts, you will want to have something in the TY note that also thanks them for attending the wedding (assuming they attended).  Eeevvveeennnn if the truth is...you wished they hadn't come, lol!

Congratulations on your wedding!  I'm glad it was an amazing day for the two of you.

knottiej

I mean if your wedding was "amazing" they either were not that bad or you must have not really noticed??

southernbelle0915

Thank you cards are only for gifts. Not attendance. So you can eliminate anyone from your TY list who did not give a gift. You can also eliminate anyone who gave a card with just well wishes (no money). But for those who gave boxed gifts or money, you must send a thank you note.

You do not have to fake how great it was to see them. You can simply say: "Thank you very much for the dishes/check/cash you gave us for our wedding. We can't wait to use it for entertaining/going out for dinner on our honeymoon/toward our new home together. Thanks again! The Smiths"

Knottie1435002966

KnottieJanel, my wedding was AMAZING because of my husband and I and our commitment to each other.  We also enjoyed other family and friends.  His parents, sisters, and aunts' rude and inconsiderate behavior did not affect our happiness on that day, and it will NEVER be forgotten.

Knottie1435002966

Ladies, thank you so much for your advice!  I really needed that, I was lost as to what to do.

short+sassy

scribe95 said:

Also, your amazing new husband can and should help with thank you's as well...

That's a good point also.  I know some couples will split up the TY notes by each writing to their own family.  Or, even sweeter (though perhaps not in this case), writing the TY notes to the other person's family.

With that said, both my H and I signed all the TY notes.

LondonLisa

I don't understand the point of hanging on to this hatred. Either your day was amazing or it was 'ruined'. What's the point of these passive aggressive notes? 

What did they do that was so egregious that you can't thank someone for a gift and the well wishes? 

This sounds fairly overdramatic. 

charlotte989875

short+sassy said:

scribe95 said:

Also, your amazing new husband can and should help with thank you's as well...

That's a good point also.  I know some couples will split up the TY notes by each writing to their own family.  Or, even sweeter (though perhaps not in this case), writing the TY notes to the other person's family.

With that said, both my H and I signed all the TY notes.

This is what we did; I did my friends and family he did his. And he stuffed his thank you's full of glitter. His family really, really appreciated that. 

ernursej

Knottie1435002966 said:

KnottieJanel, my wedding was AMAZING because of my husband and I and our commitment to each other.  We also enjoyed other family and friends.  His parents, sisters, and aunts' rude and inconsiderate behavior did not affect our happiness on that day, and it will NEVER be forgotten.

Life is too short to have grudges. Write the thank you notes (or get hubby to do it) and move forward. These are your in-laws and new family. Take the high road and work to improve your relationship. You don't have to be buddy-buddy, but you should be able to be cordial and tolerate being together in social situations.

southernbelle0915

Ditto @LondonLisa.

I'm also curious how the day was "AMAZING" but his immediate family was so terrible that you don't even want to thank them for gifts they gave? And how their behavior will "NEVER be forgotten".

I mean, clearly you're talking about a lifelong grudge you plan to hold with his entire immediate family and aunts. Whatever they did must have been really awful...what did they do?

banana468

This entire post reminds me of an episode of "Whose Wedding is it Anyway" where the MOG did something to irritate the bride so she gave a lovely speech (eyeroll) where she was passive-aggresively insulting her MIL and her new husband kept saying to her, "Baby...shut up.   Baby....shut up."   She kept smiling about her new wedding but what she really wanted to do was make the entire room aware that she was made at her husband's family.

If that isn't your intention, great.   But if the idea is to make all of them feel bad, get over that idea now.

MairePoppy

Dear MIL, 

Thank you for trying to ruin our wedding with your rude behavior. You're a peach.

Sincerely,
Penny and Leonard

Hmmm. Something's not quite right with the wording.

Seriously, tempting as it is, skip the notes unless you've received a gift or helping hand with a specific task.

short+sassy

MairePoppy said:

Dear MIL, 

Thank you for trying to ruin our wedding with your rude behavior. You're a peach.

Sincerely,
Penny and Leonard

Hmmm. Something's not quite right with the wording.

Seriously, tempting as it is, skip the notes unless you've received a gift or helping hand with a specific task.

Off topic, but OMG I love Leonard's mother.  That character actress always plays women who are just hilarious in how cold/bitchy they are.

MairePoppy

[Deleted User]

short+sassy said:

MairePoppy said:

Dear MIL, 

Thank you for trying to ruin our wedding with your rude behavior. You're a peach.

Sincerely,
Penny and Leonard

Hmmm. Something's not quite right with the wording.

Seriously, tempting as it is, skip the notes unless you've received a gift or helping hand with a specific task.

Off topic, but OMG I love Leonard's mother.  That character actress always plays women who are just hilarious in how cold/bitchy they are.

I met her once!  Back in spring break of 2000 at the Louvre in Paris.  She was lovely.  Shorter than I expected her to be though.

MairePoppy

adk19 said:

short+sassy said:

MairePoppy said:

Dear MIL, 

Thank you for trying to ruin our wedding with your rude behavior. You're a peach.

Sincerely,
Penny and Leonard

Hmmm. Something's not quite right with the wording.

Seriously, tempting as it is, skip the notes unless you've received a gift or helping hand with a specific task.

Off topic, but OMG I love Leonard's mother.  That character actress always plays women who are just hilarious in how cold/bitchy they are.

I met her once!  Back in spring break of 2000 at the Louvre in Paris.  She was lovely.  Shorter than I expected her to be though.

Really? She looks so tall and lithe. 

levioosa

MairePoppy said:

adk19 said:

short+sassy said:

MairePoppy said:

Dear MIL, 

Thank you for trying to ruin our wedding with your rude behavior. You're a peach.

Sincerely,
Penny and Leonard

Hmmm. Something's not quite right with the wording.

Seriously, tempting as it is, skip the notes unless you've received a gift or helping hand with a specific task.

Off topic, but OMG I love Leonard's mother.  That character actress always plays women who are just hilarious in how cold/bitchy they are.

I met her once!  Back in spring break of 2000 at the Louvre in Paris.  She was lovely.  Shorter than I expected her to be though.

Really? She looks so tall and lithe. 

This might be weird, but I have this thing with looking up actors/actresses on IMDB when we watch movies and then I look at their profile to see how tall they are.  IMDB says she is 5'8" 1/2".  That's pretty tall to me (5'1").  

sparklepants41

levioosa said:

MairePoppy said:

adk19 said:

short+sassy said:

MairePoppy said:

Dear MIL, 

Thank you for trying to ruin our wedding with your rude behavior. You're a peach.

Sincerely,
Penny and Leonard

Hmmm. Something's not quite right with the wording.

Seriously, tempting as it is, skip the notes unless you've received a gift or helping hand with a specific task.

Off topic, but OMG I love Leonard's mother.  That character actress always plays women who are just hilarious in how cold/bitchy they are.

I met her once!  Back in spring break of 2000 at the Louvre in Paris.  She was lovely.  Shorter than I expected her to be though.

Really? She looks so tall and lithe. 

This might be weird, but I have this thing with looking up actors/actresses on IMDB when we watch movies and then I look at their profile to see how tall they are.  IMDB says she is 5'8" 1/2".  That's pretty tall to me (5'1").  

I do that too! I'm pretty sure their heights are embellished on IMDB. Matt Damon is listed as 5'10", but I'm 5'9" and I interviewed him once when I was a news producer and he's definitely shorter than I am. 

[Deleted User]

sparklepants4

I met her once!  Back in spring break of 2000 at the Louvre in Paris.  She was lovely.  Shorter than I expected her to be though.

Really? She looks so tall and lithe. 

This might be weird, but I have this thing with looking up actors/actresses on IMDB when we watch movies and then I look at their profile to see how tall they are.  IMDB says she is 5'8" 1/2".  That's pretty tall to me (5'1").  

I do that too! I'm pretty sure their heights are embellished on IMDB. Matt Damon is listed as 5'10", but I'm 5'9" and I interviewed him once when I was a news producer and he's definitely shorter than I am. 

I'm 5'11", so that's probably what did it.  Not sure what shoes I was wearing on that day.  The interwebs say she is 5'10".  I have the picture of the two of us together in my Paris scrapbook three times.  Whenever we see her on TV, my family members say my "best friend" is on TV.

Knottie1435002966

They didn't give us any gifts, some of them gave cards.  His parents gave us a card with half of the money they owed us for the hotel room we paid for.  I was under the impression that proper etiquette was to thank people for attendance and cards, in addition to gifts.

flantastic

Knottie1435002966 said:

They didn't give us any gifts, some of them gave cards.  His parents gave us a card with half of the money they owed us for the hotel room we paid for.  I was under the impression that proper etiquette was to thank people for attendance and cards, in addition to gifts.

I mean, you thank them for attendance by greeting them at the event and thanking them for coming, but no, you only send notes for gifts (obviously including any money in the cards).

And I love Christine Baranski.

climbingsingle

Knottie1435002966 said:

They didn't give us any gifts, some of them gave cards.  His parents gave us a card with half of the money they owed us for the hotel room we paid for.  I was under the impression that proper etiquette was to thank people for attendance and cards, in addition to gifts.

Is this what their horrible, rude and inconsiderate behavior was that ruined your wedding? 

banana468

Knottie1435002966 said:

They didn't give us any gifts, some of them gave cards.  His parents gave us a card with half of the money they owed us for the hotel room we paid for.  I was under the impression that proper etiquette was to thank people for attendance and cards, in addition to gifts.

You should have thanked all your guests for coming in person by having a receiving line or visiting every table at the reception.

TY notes are for gifts.

And gifts aren't reciprocal.   Was the card an IOU?  I'm really confused here.

southernbelle0915

Knottie1435002966 said:

They didn't give us any gifts, some of them gave cards.  His parents gave us a card with half of the money they owed us for the hotel room we paid for.  I was under the impression that proper etiquette was to thank people for attendance and cards, in addition to gifts.

Thank you notes are just for gifts.  If someone sends you a birthday card or a get well soon card (just the card), do you send a thank you note? Probably not. Same thing here.

For attendance, you should have already thanked them - that's what a receiving line and/or table visits are for. To greet every guest and thank them for coming. Since you (presumably) already did that, that TY is taken care of.

Knottie1435002966

Thank you all for your advice.  It was really helpful!

MairePoppy

Knottie1435002966 said:

They didn't give us any gifts, some of them gave cards.  His parents gave us a card with half of the money they owed us for the hotel room we paid for.  I was under the impression that proper etiquette was to thank people for attendance and cards, in addition to gifts.

If his parents gave you money in a card, you should assume it was intended as their wedding gift. 'Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for your generous gift, blah blah blah.' You can roll your eyes when you write generous, but you should never let your ILs know you're disappointed.