Help forming my wedding party!!

Knottie6c28020f4eef25e0

Thank you.

levioosa

Knottie6c28020f4eef25e0 said:

I need help figuring out who should be in my wedding party. Originally
I was thinking of having my sister as the MOH and then including my close group
of college friends (4 girls) and one mutual friend of both my fiancé and I for
over ten years. However everybody keeps talking to me about people and things I
didn’t even consider and now I’m not sure what to do. The people in contention
are:

My fiancé’s sister- I am 26 and she is 41 years old, has
three kids (who are going to be in the wedding as the flower girl and ring
bearers) and has made comments she was annoyed that a cousin recently asked her
to be a bridesmaid but she did say yes to her. Now I’m not sure if she would
feel differently for her brother’s wedding or if she would rather just have her
kids involved.

My fiancé`s sister-in-law- Almost the same situation as his
sister, has 2 kids, will have a 1 year old at the time of the wedding but she
is a little closer in age. She is 33. However, though she is very nice and I
don’t have as much in common with her.

My Brother’s Girlfriend- The have been together two years,
and she is much closer in age (27). They already are looking for apartments to
live together and have made many comments about their eventual wedding. My
concern is though from what I know of her she is great, I don’t spend too much
time with her and she isn’t exactly family at this point.

Our mutual friend- I have been friends with for 12 years,
very close with both my fiancé and I, but used to have feelings for my fiancé.
She hasn’t for like 6 years but at one point had a very strong (love-like
feelings) for him when we were teenagers. We were not dating at the time, and
is now living with her boyfriend. However, when I told her we were engaged she
seemed a little less enthused then I thought she’d be, she lives far away and
moves around a lot (travel nurse) and is notoriously frugal.

I don’t want to offend anybody and I only want 6 bridesmaids
total, to include them I would have to kick out either the mutual friend, or
one of my college friends, the other 4 spots I absolutely have to have. What
should I do!?!?

So, you shouldn't be asking anyone you aren't close to. Ask your nearest and dearest, and leave it at that. If you're not close to mutual friend, she can stand up with your FI as a groomswoman. Sides don't have to be even. And kicking someone out of the WP is a relationship ending move. Six BMs seems like an arbitrary number. Just pick the people you are closest to. 

LondonLisa

Knottie6c28020f4eef25e0 said:

I need help figuring out who should be in my wedding party. Originally

I was thinking of having my sister as the MOH and then including my close group

of college friends (4 girls) and one mutual friend of both my fiancé and I for

over ten years. However everybody keeps talking to me about people and things I

didn’t even consider and now I’m not sure what to do. The people in contention

are:

My fiancé’s sister- I am 26 and she is 41 years old, has

three kids (who are going to be in the wedding as the flower girl and ring

bearers) and has made comments she was annoyed that a cousin recently asked her

to be a bridesmaid but she did say yes to her. Now I’m not sure if she would

feel differently for her brother’s wedding or if she would rather just have her

kids involved.

My fiancé`s sister-in-law- Almost the same situation as his

sister, has 2 kids, will have a 1 year old at the time of the wedding but she

is a little closer in age. She is 33. However, though she is very nice and I

don’t have as much in common with her.

My Brother’s Girlfriend- The have been together two years,

and she is much closer in age (27). They already are looking for apartments to

live together and have made many comments about their eventual wedding. My

concern is though from what I know of her she is great, I don’t spend too much

time with her and she isn’t exactly family at this point.

Our mutual friend- I have been friends with for 12 years,

very close with both my fiancé and I, but used to have feelings for my fiancé.

She hasn’t for like 6 years but at one point had a very strong (love-like

feelings) for him when we were teenagers. We were not dating at the time, and

is now living with her boyfriend. However, when I told her we were engaged she

seemed a little less enthused then I thought she’d be, she lives far away and

moves around a lot (travel nurse) and is notoriously frugal.

I don’t want to offend anybody and I only want 6 bridesmaids

total, to include them I would have to kick out either the mutual friend, or

one of my college friends, the other 4 spots I absolutely have to have. What

should I do!?!?

Firstly, your bridal party is anyone who you are extremely close with, not anyone you feel obligated to invite. Who can you not imagine getting married without them standing next to you? To the bolded, it seems like these 4 are your bridal party. If you can think of getting married without them, then they are not your closest friends .

Why do you only have 6 spots? It isn't a play where only a set amount of people can be on stage. It seems like you are arbitrarily making this difficult for yourself.

Also, if your fi wants his sister in the wedding, she can stand on his side. You don't HAVE to ask anyone. Why would you ask your brother's girlfriend if you don't spend time with her and you aren't close. Or why would you ask your finance's SIL if you aren't close? And are you seriously holding a teenage crush over an adult's head? This is all silly. 

You are thinking of this as roles that need to be filled with people you think you SHOULD invite. You need to change this.

Your bridal party is your closest friends/ family. The end. It seems like you only have 4 people that you absolutely must have. THAT should be your bridal party.  

EFT: typo

SP29

OK- first, deep breath!

Who is in your WP is solely your decision (the ceremony is the one aspect of a wedding that is truly about the bride and groom). Sides do not have to be equal. Genders do not have to match.

A common sentiment used here is that you should ask the people who you would call up at 3am to help you bury a body. The purpose of the WP is for you, the bride and groom, to honour people in your lives by asking them to stand up with you. They are the VIPs of the VIPs. Ask them because you truly want them to be part of your WP, because you are close to them, because they are special to you, because you couldn't imagine getting married without having them beside you. However, please don't use reasons such as age, whether or not they have children, where they live, or how busy they are in their lives as a reason to or not ask someone to be in your WP.

Do not ask people out of obligation. Do not ask someone because they asked you to be in their WP. Do not ask people thinking it will help improve a bond.

Personally, I would stick with your original list. I would not ask your SIL, your FI's SIL, or your brother's gf. It sounds like you would only be asking these people because they are family. Yes, that is a decision some people use to make, but it doesn't sound like you are particularly close with these people at all- it's not going to create a bond that isn't there. Also- if your FI is the one wanting these people (his sister and SIL) in your WP, they can stand up on his side.

It is an honour to be invited as a guest to a wedding. A guest is always a great role for someone! You can also honour people by giving them a corsage/boutonniere, or asking them to do a reading at the ceremony or give a blessing at the ceremony/dinner, taking a special photo with them. Don't over think this!

STARMOON44

Add none of these people because you don't want to and they aren't your closest friends and that's enough of a reason. 

climbingsingle

Your bridal party is supposed to be comprised of your very best friends. None of these people seem to fit that description. There's your answer. 

Knottie6c28020f4eef25e0

Thank you for all the advice! For the record the mutual friend's feelings was not just a childhood crush, she had serious feelings for him for years and when we first started dating she was supportive but it was admittedly weird for her, and I don't want to put her in an awkward situation. I realize it doesn't have to be six, but I don't want anything larger than that and that matches the number of groomsmen my FI is having. We want to keep it traditional and only have women as bridesmaids and men for groomsmen. 

LondonLisa

Knottie6c28020f4eef25e0 said:

Thank you for all the advice! For the record the mutual friend's feelings was not just a childhood crush, she had serious feelings for him for years and when we first started dating she was supportive but it was admittedly weird for her, and I don't want to put her in an awkward situation. I realize it doesn't have to be six, but I don't want anything larger than that and that matches the number of groomsmen my FI is having. We want to keep it traditional and only have women as bridesmaids and men for groomsmen. 

What kind of wedding ceremony are you having that it matters what genitals someone has in order to stand in a particular place at the altar?!

Also, as soon as you reduce people to spaces to 'match' you are treating human beings as props. That is a pretty shitty thing to do.

southernbelle0915

Very few etiquette rules about picking your wedding party:

- sides do not have to be even or gender specific
- ask only the people you are closest to (or no one), you are not obligated (by etiquette) to ask certain people e.g. sisters, sisters-in-law, etc.
- ask each BM for the attire budget *privately* and pick something below the lowest budget
- do not expect parties


So FWIW, a perspective on asking your FI's sister and SIL......
I am 31 years old. I have a 1.5 y/o child. I am not close with my SIL but she asked me to be a BM in her wedding this fall, probably because she felt obligated (for whatever reason). I said yes because family politics/dynamics, but I really wish she hadn't asked me. I'm over being in weddings (unless it's a good friend), I wanted to pick my own attire, and I just attend as a guest without the obligations of being a BM. Do not ask these people. They don't want to be in your wedding. Nothing personal against you, they just want to attend as guests. 

SP29

Just saw the part about the mutual friend. I personally don't think I'd ask this person. Is she actually one of your best friends? They way you have written about her, it doesn't sound so. I would forget about the crush thing- that was years ago. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. It just doesn't sound like you and her are really all that close. Again, don't use where she lives, her budget, or how busy she seems as a reason to ask or not ask someone to be in your WP. You ask someone because you WANT them there, and let them make the decision as to whether they accept or not.

It's fine to say, "I really don't have the budget for more than 6 people" but don't pick 6 just because that is what your FI has. You do realize you may ask someone to be in your WP, but they may not necessary accept the offer- maybe they can't take the time off, they can't travel, they don't have the budget. It is also not appropriate to "replace" someone in the WP by asking someone else after you've already picked your WP. This is why I say having an arbitrary number is not a good idea- just pick who you want!

charlotte989875

Knottie6c28020f4eef25e0 said:

I need help figuring out who should be in my wedding party. Originally
I was thinking of having my sister as the MOH and then including my close group
of college friends (4 girls) and one mutual friend of both my fiancé and I for
over ten years. However everybody keeps talking to me about people and things I
didn’t even consider and now I’m not sure what to do. The people in contention
are:

The bolded is a pretty terrible way to talk about future family/friends. Maybe not your point, but "in contention" sounds like they're competing for some award or honor, rather a honor that is bestowed on them. 

Pick who you want; it sounds like your sister and your close group of college friends is your best bet. 

MairePoppy

Stop thinking of your bridal party as spots to fill. You're not casting a play. Pick the people who are closest to you - your sister and four college friends. If you've asked the mutual friend to be a bm, it's a done deal. If you haven't asked yet, consider how important it is to have her at your side. Base your decision on those feelings.

You're not best friends with your FSILs and your brother's GF, so don't ask them to be bridesmaids. If your fi wants his sisters in the wedding party, he could ask them to stand on his side. 

MandyMost

Someone's age and if they have kids or not is completely irrelevant to this, as is how far away they live. When you ask the person to be in the wedding party, you can be sure to convey that you are not an inconsiderate bridezilla who's going to demand ANYTHING of them other than a dress within their budget (if that) and to show up on time the day of. They don't have to plan or attend any other parties, or do any chores for you. 

ei34

I'd stick with your closest friends.  I didn't have my SIL's (H's sisters) or my brother's gf as BM's.  You and your FI should each go with whomever you're closest with (relationship trumps gender and equal sides).
If there's someone you want to include but you're hesitating because they're "frugal", ask anyway.  It doesn't have to cost anything to be a BM- she can wear a dress she already owns, throwing parties aren't required, and it's free to stand next to someone during a wedding ceremony.

ETA - why'd you delete your original question? It was already quoted.

DrillSergeantCat

OP it's very rude (and pointless since you've been quoted) to delete your post after people have taken the time to answer your question.

kwiksilver

DrillSergeantCat said:

OP it's very rude (and pointless since you've been quoted) to delete your post after people have taken the time to answer your question.

Every time I see this happen I'm so confused.  I guess some people don't even bother to lurk for a bit to see that there's no going back once somebody has quoted the OP in their reply...

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d

Do what feels right to you. I did not include my fiancé asidsister is 11 years younger and my fiancé is not going to be in her upcoming wedding. 

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d

I meant to say *sister who is