"We're Not Close."

short+sassy

My mother abandoned me when I was 13. This has had a profoundly negative impact on my life. I’m now in my 30s and have spent thousands of dollars on psychiatrists, therapists, and medication for depression. I’ve accepted it, but I can’t “get over it” the way people tell me to. Mother’s Day and the weeks leading up to it are a huge slap in the face, a constant reminder that my mother left and never came back. I’m a restaurant manager, and it’s the busiest day of the year, so it’s not an option to stay home. I absolutely hate seeing happy girls out celebrating with their moms. I just want to cry and scream and smash everything because it’s not fair that I don’t have a mom, and I will never fully understand why she left.

My question is, how do I respond when people ask if I get to spend time with my mom that day? The question angers me and I usually tell people she’s dead, just so I can see the shock on their face and make them feel sorry for me. I know it’s immature, but sometimes I wish she had died because that would mean that she hadn’t chosen to leave. What can I say to people to get them to drop the subject? Is it appropriate to just say she’s dead? It’s so much easier to explain than the real situation.

charlotte989875

Sounds like a different therapist is in order because the reaction you're having to strangers is pretty atypical. 

banana468

"I am not very close with my family so I just treat Mother's Day like a regular Sunday." 

You don't need to snap at people and your sadness over what never was is valid - but you need to come up with ways to deal with it like a grown up.  

MissKittyDanger

It sounds rude, but typically I'm irked with people who act like this.
Some people grow up with no certain parent for that day. I'm sure they aren't happy about it, but find ways to continue on.

LW needs to find a new therapist and figure out how to deal. I don't wanna say "get over it" .... and yet I do.

short+sassy

I feel bad the LW is so torn apart by her job on MD.  I think that's a bigger issue.  But, in answer to the question, she needs to understand people are just being friendly and find a way to deal with that.  There are a lot of things she can say that will shut down the conversation.

If it's customers in the restaurant environment, she can cheerily say, "Nope!  It's a busy day here!"  If she wants to tell people her mother is dead, I think that is perfectly fine also.  But she needs to say it without any vengeful malice toward the person who innocently asked the question (WTF with that?).  Like, "You're so kind to ask, but my mother passed away a long time ago."  Adding the "long time ago" part also means they'll keep the gushing "I'm so sorries," to a minimum.

I can give the LW some "good" news.  When you get passed a certain age, nobody asks you anymore about what you are doing with your mother.  They wish YOU a Happy Mother's Day.  I'm not a mother.  Do you know what I say?  I say, "Thank you.  Happy Mother's Day to you, as well."  Because strangers are just being nice.  They don't actually want to know the details of my life.

VarunaTT

This is why I just wish people would go with "have a good holiday" or something generic for all of it or just not wish it to people they don't know at all.

You never know what someone else's journey is.  And depending on the how/why of the abandonment and what happened to LW afterwards, telling her be nice about this is pretty horrible, IMHO.  My parents abandoned me and I count my blessings that my grandparents were able to step up and take me, b/c I can tell you I have no idea what would've happened to me.  My last stop before my grandparents came to get me at 12 years old was living with my divorced-from-my-father-stepmother, so basically "a nice lady I knew."  The next stop probably would've been state care and not lots of adults walk out of that healthy.

More than anything, LW should be validated, given some tools to try and deal with it as best they can (including maybe taking the day off) and told that they matter.

Jen4948

I would just say, "No, I have other plans."

southernbelle0915

short+sassy said:

My mother abandoned me when I was 13. This has had a profoundly negative impact on my life. I’m now in my 30s and have spent thousands of dollars on psychiatrists, therapists, and medication for depression. I’ve accepted it, but I can’t “get over it” the way people tell me to. Mother’s Day and the weeks leading up to it are a huge slap in the face, a constant reminder that my mother left and never came back. I’m a restaurant manager, and it’s the busiest day of the year, so it’s not an option to stay home. I absolutely hate seeing happy girls out celebrating with their moms. I just want to cry and scream and smash everything because it’s not fair that I don’t have a mom, and I will never fully understand why she left.

My question is, how do I respond when people ask if I get to spend time with my mom that day? The question angers me and I usually tell people she’s dead, just so I can see the shock on their face and make them feel sorry for me. I know it’s immature, but sometimes I wish she had died because that would mean that she hadn’t chosen to leave. What can I say to people to get them to drop the subject? Is it appropriate to just say she’s dead? It’s so much easier to explain than the real situation.

To the first bolded: No....no you have not. 

To the second bolded: Dude. People are making small talk. Just say "no, not this year" and let it go. 

Also, get a new therapist and up the treatment.

bleve0821

So... Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that people ask LW how she's spending Mother's Day/if she got to spend time with her mom?

Because I have literally never been asked that question.  By anyone.  In my entire life.

short+sassy

atomicblonde said:

So... Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that people ask LW how she's spending Mother's Day/if she got to spend time with her mom?

Because I have literally never been asked that question.  By anyone.  In my entire life.

I could see it.  Especially if she works at a restaurant.  I've been asked that before....though its been many years, LMAO.  Like I mentioned in my above post, now people just assume I'm someone's mother.  Usually, from strangers, it's just, "Happy Mother's Day."  But every once in awhile I've had someone follow that with, "Are you doing anything special today?"

I think that's what I'm finding off, also.  My response to the above question/comment is, "Happy Mother's Day to you also!  I don't have any children, so not doing anything special.  What about yourself?"  But nowhere does it occur to me to mention why I'm not spending MD with my own mother.

I feel like when I was younger people used to ask me, because I remember giving responses like, "Unfortunately, my mom lives OOT."  Which could be another quick, shut'em down excuse the LW could use.

I could see it being even more likely if it is acquaintances/casual friends/coworkers asking her what she is doing for Mother's Day as opposed to strangers.  It's a common question at my office whenever a holiday, even more minor ones like Father's/Mother's Day.  Though even coworkers are usually pretty aware of who has children.  Who doesn't.  Who has family in the area or doesn't. 

Off topic from the letter. I do NOT wish anybody a Happy Mother's Day or Father's Day, unless they say it to me first or it is someone I know who has children.  Because I don't know a stranger's life.  Maybe they are soemone like the LW.  Maybe they just suffered a miscarriage.  Maybe they've been trying for years to combat infertility.  And those friendly words people casually say are like daggers to their hearts.

GBCK

atomicblonde said:

So... Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that people ask LW how she's spending Mother's Day/if she got to spend time with her mom?

Because I have literally never been asked that question.  By anyone.  In my entire life.

I think some locations and types of small talk invite it.
Kinda like why when we were dealing w/ infertility and the like I quit going to church on Mother's day, because, fuck if I was going to have one more conversation like that.
And it would not be a normal conversation anywhere else, but at church on mother's day?  People's filters come off and they think it's a thing to say.

I think certain types of rstaurants on the day it'd be what people say, just like "go green" at the sports bar.

charlotte989875

So I keep coming back to this, after @VarunaTT's post I definitely think the LW should be validated here. I can't imagine what this must have been like. My Mom and I don't always get a long, but she was there. 

But this part seems a little, I don't know, off? 

My question is, how do I respond when people ask if I get to spend time with my mom that day? The question angers me and I usually tell people she’s dead, just so I can see the shock on their face and make them feel sorry for me.

I absolutely agree you can never know someone's story, but to intentionally make people feel bad for an innocuous statement, seems like not a super healthy way to deal.