Etiquette

Bridesmaid's Boyfriend

I am very conflicted right now on whether to invite one of my best friends' and bridesmaids boyfriend to our wedding. I believe he is emotionally if not physically abusive but they've been together almost 2 years and I live in a different state. I don't want to ignore her relationship but I feel really uncomfortable around him. I've met him three times and each time he has had extremely loud temper tantrums in public places, yelling insults at her and other people around him and causing a scene. I have heard him call her "garbage" and a "slut" and verbally abuse her. I actually asked him to leave my house when they came to visit because he was screaming at her so abusively. At that point she told me they were breaking up but they later got back together. A month later she told one of our friends that he had shoved her so hard she fell down and then he slammed a door in her face. Somehow she is still with him and continues to defend their relationship even after all her friends and family have expressed concern.

I know it is normally unacceptable in all circumstances to not invite a bridesmaids SO but I feel like this situation is different. He is prone to emotional, drunk and abusive outburst and I feel uncomfortable being around him. What about the option of having him skip the more intimate parts like the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but inviting him to join us at the reception (cocktail style so he can't cause as much of a scene)? That way I would acknowledge their relationship without risking as much?

I'm extremely stressed about this and worried about my friend. Any advice helps.


Re: Bridesmaid's Boyfriend

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member


    I am very conflicted right now on whether to invite one of my best friends' and bridesmaids boyfriend to our wedding. I believe he is emotionally if not physically abusive but they've been together almost 2 years and I live in a different state. I don't want to ignore her relationship but I feel really uncomfortable around him. I've met him three times and each time he has had extremely loud temper tantrums in public places, yelling insults at her and other people around him and causing a scene. I have heard him call her "garbage" and a "slut" and verbally abuse her. I actually asked him to leave my house when they came to visit because he was screaming at her so abusively. At that point she told me they were breaking up but they later got back together. A month later she told one of our friends that he had shoved her so hard she fell down and then he slammed a door in her face. Somehow she is still with him and continues to defend their relationship even after all her friends and family have expressed concern.

    I know it is normally unacceptable in all circumstances to not invite a bridesmaids SO but I feel like this situation is different. He is prone to emotional, drunk and abusive outburst and I feel uncomfortable being around him. What about the option of having him skip the more intimate parts like the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but inviting him to join us at the reception (cocktail style so he can't cause as much of a scene)? That way I would acknowledge their relationship without risking as much?

    I'm extremely stressed about this and worried about my friend. Any advice helps.




    The bolded sentence says it all.  The problem is not with your bridesmaid's boyfriend.  The problem is with your friend who accepts this behavior and even defends it.  She needs counseling.

    I would urge you to keep communication open.  Don't attack her boyfriend.  If she comes to you with tearful drama, tell her that you care about her, but that she is the only person who can do anything about this situation. You might suggest counseling. 

    Yes, you have to invite her boyfriend.  If he acts out, then have someone ready to escort him out.  He will look like a jerk, not you. 
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    DrillSergeantCat
  • downtondivadowntondiva
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited May 18
    This is a really rotten situation, but I don't see how you can exclude this boyfriend without causing even more problems for your friend (including her not being able to attend your wedding). Unless you have legitimate reason to believe he poses a physical threat to you or any of your guests, you have to invite him to everything. Being uncomfortable around him is not a good enough reason not to invite him. 

    Yes, he may insult or lose his temper with your friend at the wedding, and that would be terrible. However, your friend is an adult, and while you can be supportive of her and encourage her to get help, you cannot decide what she does or who she dates. For whatever reason, she is choosing to be with this man, and it is up to her to deal with whatever hurt or embarrassment he causes her at your wedding. Sad as it is, this is really one of those things that is beyond your control. 
    image
    CMGragainauriannaPrettyGirlLost
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Invite him (to everything) in order to support your friend.

    As said above, if you don't invite him, he can use that against you/ the rest of her friends/family. People in abusive relationships also experience manipulation and isolation making it that much harder for your friend to leave if/when she chooses to. You can talk with her, be frank, suggest counseling support, but let her know you've got her back.
  • justsiejustsie
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member


    Wow! Thank you everyone for your insightful comments. It really helps to get some feedback from people outside the situation. I am going to invite him but we will have a security guard at the venue that will be ready in case anything gets out of hand. I do think you all are right that not inviting him will just isolate her further. 


    It would also not be unwise to talk the security guard and let him know of past behaviors so that he can be aware that this person may be an issue.
    image
    short+sassy
  • Ditto PPs. Continue to be a supportive friend, and don't let her BF try to pull her away from you. Not inviting him will cause more drama. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years and he had convinced me to shut out almost all of my friends. It took me years to get some of those relationships back.

    Most venues I've seen require an off-duty police officer or some sort of security guard if you serve alcohol. You could talk to your local police department about hiring an off-duty officer, and make the officer aware of the situation. They are trained to deal with people like him. If the BF has any questions, you can explain it as a venue requirement. 
    SP29
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