Wedding Party

FIL (who is also best man) hates having picture taken

my fiance and his dad are super close and have a great relationship. I have never seen a father and son so close before so I thought it would be really sweet to suggest him as best man when my Fiance was deciding.  A year later, I now know his father better and I am very worried about how he will act at our wedding.

I had never been to a party with him before but we just went to my fiance's cousin's wedding. MIL had said he doesn't do too well at parties but I now see this was a massive understatement.  He HATES attention. Any kind of attention makes him very uncomfortable. He disappeared during cocktail hour and felt uncomfortable sitting at the table with us. Refused to dance, refused to talk to anyone. He snuck off to be by himself several times. I am worried that he will be very uncomfortable standing up in front of everyone. 

I asked MIL if he was going to be ok standing up in front of everyone and she said he will have to find a way to be ok with it.

But that's all minor compared to how he acted with the photographer. for the family photos he gave the photographer a very hard time. Every family photo he is in at his home he is frowning or rolling his eyes and now I see why. When he did eventually get in for the family photos after arguing with the photographer like a little kid about how he didnt want to be in any photos, he would duck behind people or make faces.  I understood the photographer had a schedule and was just trying to get through the list of people he needed pictures of. The photographer was not happy with him, and I thought it was so rude to the cousins there, especially the ones getting married.

I thought it was maybe a one-off but then the other day we went to another cousin's high school graduation. I was trying to take a family photo for the cousin who graduated and again he completely goofed off. I could not get a single decent photo with everyone because he ruined every shot he was in, either by ducking behind people or turning around.

Yesterday the family was over for a cook out and he and my MIL were laughing about how he ruined the photos at the wedding and gave the photographer a hard time. What a jerk, trying to take his picture! HAHAHA! (they think this is funny!??)  This of course set off my anxiety. I asked him if he was going to be ok at our wedding next month. He said "Sure???" and immediately left the room.  MIL smiled really wide at me and said that this is just the way he is with photos and we all accept it.

I have spent a lot of money on a good photographer because to me the photos are really really important. We are going to be on a tight schedule for taking photos before and after the ceremony because of our allotted time at the venue. Honestly, I dont care if he is not in any of the photos at all if it means we get good photos and it goes smoothly, I just want this to be as stress free as possible. As the best man and father of the groom, he is going to be in a lot of photos.  I have NO IDEA how to handle this (or if I should handle it at all or just let it go).  I am worried if I suggest he not take any pictures that this will hurt his feelings. I am also not sure how to talk to him or if I even should.  We haven't been on the best of terms lately either. We live together while my fiance and I save money for a house and he jokes and teases me a lot which is stressful to me and feels mean - though I know he isnt meaning to be mean. I think his joking manner is the only way he knows how to be and is how he interacts with people but it's taking a toll on my anxiety - especially with how its going to affect the wedding.  I realize this is probably on me to just accept how he is going to be for the wedding and the pictures. But I feel like he shouldnt be the best man. Since he doesnt want to do a toast, hates any kind of attention, has social anxiety at parties, and doesnt want to be in photos - but this is not my call to make and I feel like if I suggest he step down, it may come off as rude or mean on my part. This is his son's wedding, after all and I am trying to be respectful to him as well.
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Re: FIL (who is also best man) hates having picture taken

  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Where's your FI in all of this? 

    It's one thing to have social anxiety.   It's another to be a dick about it.

    That he acknowledges his behavior makes me wonder if anyone has actually spoken to him about it.   

    What does your FI think?   

    The reality is that if the photos with him suck then you don't have to print them.

    But more-so I'd see what your FI can do to address the issues of overall behavior.   In some cases, I think you can avoid the problems by not creating one for your FFIL.

    I'd ask your FI to talk to your FFIL to see what can be done to help him be more comfortable.  Is it at all possible that there is something going on that hasn't been diagnosed? 
    InLoveInQueensshort+sassySP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited May 24
    I would leave it up to your FI whether his father is the best man or poses for photos, and I wouldn't force him to do any of that if he isn't okay with it.

    But I do agree that if your FIL agrees to be in any photos, it's not okay, funny, cute or in any way appropriate for him to deliberately wreck expensive photos by being an asshat in them, regardless of how he feels about it, let alone laugh or joke about it. If he's not willing to behave respectfully, then he should not be in any photographs. Your FI needs to be the one to set that boundary though.


    SP29short+sassy

  • banana468 said:

    Where's your FI in all of this? 

    It's one thing to have social anxiety.   It's another to be a dick about it.

    That he acknowledges his behavior makes me wonder if anyone has actually spoken to him about it.   

    What does your FI think?   

    The reality is that if the photos with him suck then you don't have to print them.

    But more-so I'd see what your FI can do to address the issues of overall behavior.   In some cases, I think you can avoid the problems by not creating one for your FFIL.

    I'd ask your FI to talk to your FFIL to see what can be done to help him be more comfortable.  Is it at all possible that there is something going on that hasn't been diagnosed? 



    The entire family seems to be totally ok with this behavior. They all are used to it and just let him act how he acts. Some of them think it's funny. They just shrug and say "that's just how he is."  My FMIL says that he is never going to change so we have to accept him the way he is and just ignore it.

    FI said he isn't worried and his dad is just going to be how he is going to be and somehow everything will be fine - which doesn't make me feel very reassured at all since that side of the family is fine with him acting this way.
  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue
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    I agree with PPs that day of you should leave it up to FIL  to determine which pictures, if any, he will be in.  Don't make a big deal about it and don't let deciding to be in or not become a big deal.  Ask once if he wants to join a photo and then go on.

    I think before hand though, it might be good for your FI to ask his dad if he wants to be in photos and to communicate to him that if he is in posed photos, that you want some of them to be more measured and serious.  But that is a conversation your FI needs to have if it matters to him.

    Additionally, I think this is a place where making sure you (as in you and FI) work with your photographer to have a list of shots you want to take could be really important.  Work with your photographer to write out a list of the pictures you'd want with and without FIL. For example, assuming FIL doesn't want to be in any shots, you'll still want a shot of FI with MIL, right?  Having a list doesn't in any way guarantee better behavior from FIL but could make the shot go faster and thus limit the time for obnoxious behavior.

    You don't need to keep pictures you don't like from that day.  I think DH and maybe display 3 wedding photos in our house and they are all shots just of us.  We have a photo book with more shots from the day but even with those, we chose only the images we wanted.  If MIL likes the photos where FIL is being a speshul snowflake she can purchase them or you can include them in an album for them, but you don't need to have them for yourselves.
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    SP29
  • banana468banana468
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    banana468 said:


    Where's your FI in all of this? 

    It's one thing to have social anxiety.   It's another to be a dick about it.

    That he acknowledges his behavior makes me wonder if anyone has actually spoken to him about it.   

    What does your FI think?   

    The reality is that if the photos with him suck then you don't have to print them.

    But more-so I'd see what your FI can do to address the issues of overall behavior.   In some cases, I think you can avoid the problems by not creating one for your FFIL.

    I'd ask your FI to talk to your FFIL to see what can be done to help him be more comfortable.  Is it at all possible that there is something going on that hasn't been diagnosed? 





    The entire family seems to be totally ok with this behavior. They all are used to it and just let him act how he acts. Some of them think it's funny. They just shrug and say "that's just how he is."  My FMIL says that he is never going to change so we have to accept him the way he is and just ignore it.

    FI said he isn't worried and his dad is just going to be how he is going to be and somehow everything will be fine - which doesn't make me feel very reassured at all since that side of the family is fine with him acting this way.


    That said, I think you may need to try to not fit your FFIL then into a vision you have for how he should be.

    I think you then need to have a plan in your head for your FFIL.  
    -Seat him in a place that makes him comfortable.
    -For the ceremony, just ask that your FI ask him to do whatever makes him comfortable for the sake of his anxiety.
    -Don't ask him to give a toast if that's too much.
    -Keep family photos with him short.  Don't ask him to be "on" too much.

    If he makes silly faces in those photos, roll with it.   If FMIL wants to get a photo in with her son that's a little more serious, FFIL takes a walk.

    The key is going to be to lower your expectations.   Don't try to get him to be something that he has never been just because you're getting married.     But if you have any rules that you think are seriously going to throw you over the edge, please communicate them to your FI well in advance.   Example: if you think your FFIL will give a toast that is over the line because there are previous examples of this then ask your FI to address that with his father.   If you think your FFIL's behavior standing next to your FI will actually disrupt the ceremony because you have prior evidence of this (and not some suspicion) then address it with your FI and make sure he knows how important that is to you.

    But if the antics of your FFIL are going to be more of his own anxiety then let them go.  


    InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875short+sassyholyguacamole79

  • banana468 said:








    banana468 said:



    Where's your FI in all of this? 

    It's one thing to have social anxiety.   It's another to be a dick about it.

    That he acknowledges his behavior makes me wonder if anyone has actually spoken to him about it.   

    What does your FI think?   

    The reality is that if the photos with him suck then you don't have to print them.

    But more-so I'd see what your FI can do to address the issues of overall behavior.   In some cases, I think you can avoid the problems by not creating one for your FFIL.

    I'd ask your FI to talk to your FFIL to see what can be done to help him be more comfortable.  Is it at all possible that there is something going on that hasn't been diagnosed? 







    The entire family seems to be totally ok with this behavior. They all are used to it and just let him act how he acts. Some of them think it's funny. They just shrug and say "that's just how he is."  My FMIL says that he is never going to change so we have to accept him the way he is and just ignore it.

    FI said he isn't worried and his dad is just going to be how he is going to be and somehow everything will be fine - which doesn't make me feel very reassured at all since that side of the family is fine with him acting this way.




    That said, I think you may need to try to not fit your FFIL then into a vision you have for how he should be.

    I think you then need to have a plan in your head for your FFIL.  
    -Seat him in a place that makes him comfortable.
    -For the ceremony, just ask that your FI ask him to do whatever makes him comfortable for the sake of his anxiety.
    -Don't ask him to give a toast if that's too much.
    -Keep family photos with him short.  Don't ask him to be "on" too much.

    If he makes silly faces in those photos, roll with it.   If FMIL wants to get a photo in with her son that's a little more serious, FFIL takes a walk.

    The key is going to be to lower your expectations.   Don't try to get him to be something that he has never been just because you're getting married.     But if you have any rules that you think are seriously going to throw you over the edge, please communicate them to your FI well in advance.   Example: if you think your FFIL will give a toast that is over the line because there are previous examples of this then ask your FI to address that with his father.   If you think your FFIL's behavior standing next to your FI will actually disrupt the ceremony because you have prior evidence of this (and not some suspicion) then address it with your FI and make sure he knows how important that is to you.

    But if the antics of your FFIL are going to be more of his own anxiety then let them go.  






    Yes this is good advice.  My concern is that he will go along with something or tell me he will go along with it because he thinks it will make me/us happy.
    For example, he was agonizing over giving a toast and I asked him if he was going to be ok and I got the same Sure??! that he gave me about the pictures. I told him he didn't have to give a toast if he didn't want to and then he said "of course I'll do it." And then he told everyone except for me that he wasn't doing it because I said he didn't have to. I only found out that he wasn't doing it because his sister said something to me, assuming I knew already.  I have no problem with him not doing it but I feel he is afraid to let me down so is putting up this front that it's all ok.

    FMIL did the same thing to me with the mother-son dance AND a toast from her. FI told me the other day that she thinks she isn't doing either after I had almost an identical conversation with her. Once again, I don't mind in the slightest if someone doesn't want to do something, I just need people to be honest with me and tell me they don't want to do something or they aren't doing something, especially when I have to make a schedule and lists and communicate with the DJ and photographer, etc. 
     
    What's worse to me is telling me "of course I will do it" thinking they are making me happy somehow and then intend on not doing it. That's also what's worrying me about the photos and ceremony etc.

    You are right, I need to just lower my expectations and it will be whatever it is.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    banana468 said:












    banana468 said:




    Where's your FI in all of this? 

    It's one thing to have social anxiety.   It's another to be a dick about it.

    That he acknowledges his behavior makes me wonder if anyone has actually spoken to him about it.   

    What does your FI think?   

    The reality is that if the photos with him suck then you don't have to print them.

    But more-so I'd see what your FI can do to address the issues of overall behavior.   In some cases, I think you can avoid the problems by not creating one for your FFIL.

    I'd ask your FI to talk to your FFIL to see what can be done to help him be more comfortable.  Is it at all possible that there is something going on that hasn't been diagnosed? 









    The entire family seems to be totally ok with this behavior. They all are used to it and just let him act how he acts. Some of them think it's funny. They just shrug and say "that's just how he is."  My FMIL says that he is never going to change so we have to accept him the way he is and just ignore it.

    FI said he isn't worried and his dad is just going to be how he is going to be and somehow everything will be fine - which doesn't make me feel very reassured at all since that side of the family is fine with him acting this way.






    That said, I think you may need to try to not fit your FFIL then into a vision you have for how he should be.

    I think you then need to have a plan in your head for your FFIL.  
    -Seat him in a place that makes him comfortable.
    -For the ceremony, just ask that your FI ask him to do whatever makes him comfortable for the sake of his anxiety.
    -Don't ask him to give a toast if that's too much.
    -Keep family photos with him short.  Don't ask him to be "on" too much.

    If he makes silly faces in those photos, roll with it.   If FMIL wants to get a photo in with her son that's a little more serious, FFIL takes a walk.

    The key is going to be to lower your expectations.   Don't try to get him to be something that he has never been just because you're getting married.     But if you have any rules that you think are seriously going to throw you over the edge, please communicate them to your FI well in advance.   Example: if you think your FFIL will give a toast that is over the line because there are previous examples of this then ask your FI to address that with his father.   If you think your FFIL's behavior standing next to your FI will actually disrupt the ceremony because you have prior evidence of this (and not some suspicion) then address it with your FI and make sure he knows how important that is to you.

    But if the antics of your FFIL are going to be more of his own anxiety then let them go.  








    Yes this is good advice.  My concern is that he will go along with something or tell me he will go along with it because he thinks it will make me/us happy.
    For example, he was agonizing over giving a toast and I asked him if he was going to be ok and I got the same Sure??! that he gave me about the pictures. I told him he didn't have to give a toast if he didn't want to and then he said "of course I'll do it." And then he told everyone except for me that he wasn't doing it because I said he didn't have to. I only found out that he wasn't doing it because his sister said something to me, assuming I knew already.  I have no problem with him not doing it but I feel he is afraid to let me down so is putting up this front that it's all ok.

    FMIL did the same thing to me with the mother-son dance AND a toast from her. FI told me the other day that she thinks she isn't doing either after I had almost an identical conversation with her. Once again, I don't mind in the slightest if someone doesn't want to do something, I just need people to be honest with me and tell me they don't want to do something or they aren't doing something, especially when I have to make a schedule and lists and communicate with the DJ and photographer, etc. 
     
    What's worse to me is telling me "of course I will do it" thinking they are making me happy somehow and then intend on not doing it. That's also what's worrying me about the photos and ceremony etc.

    You are right, I need to just lower my expectations and it will be whatever it is.


    It really sound like its time to let blood talk to blood. Have your FI handle all these conversations with his parents. It doesn't sound like they're comfortable discussing things or really being that open with you.  
    justsieInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875holyguacamole79
  • lnixon8lnixon8
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
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    Can you write up a shot list for your photographer? We had a large wedding party and it was good for everyone involved to know who was needed when.
    (I used first names because Bob and Jane is easier to listen for than parents of the bride) Maybe if FIL sees he is only needed in two different groups he will try and smile so he can get it over with.

    I would warn your photographer to just keep moving when it comes to FIL: if FIL messes up the 30 seconds of family photos, everyone is to move one so you get more shots that are likely to work. 


    southernbelle0915MissKittyDangerInLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • geebee908geebee908
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    Can you give your photographer a heads-up about his likely behavior and see if they can capture candid shots of him (unaware that he's being photographed).

    I'd let go of the idea that he should be in any posed photos of that's something he doesn't want to do, or let go of the idea that the posed photos he's in will be anything but goofy.
    short+sassy
  • missfrodomissfrodo
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    Is your FFIL being treated for his anxiety?  Seems like his family has accepted his own way of dealing with it, even if it comes across as rude/inappropriate to other people (like how he interacts with you at home).  Have you told FI how uncomfortable his teasing makes you, and that it makes your own anxiety worse?  Even if he has accepted his father's antics as normal, if it makes you uncomfortable I feel like conversations need to be had.  Coming from my own struggles in mental health (which I know can't be compared to his), it's not always for the best to just say "oh that's just how he is, don't try to change it."  If my H had done that with me, I would likely be dead right now; but he knew my behavior wasn't right or healthy, and he worked with me to change it.  DEFINITELY not saying you or FI should do that, I just find it a little disappointing that no one, not even his wife, seems willing to help your FFIL at all, and instead they're just letting him flounder in his anxiety the only way he knows how.  My brother has Asperger's, which comes with insane levels of social anxiety.  He came to my wedding, but kept mostly to himself in a corner at the reception and played handheld video games.  A few relatives came by to say hi to him, but other than that he really didn't interact much.  He wasn't in the wedding party and he didn't stand up in any pictures.  

    Sorry for the huge rant above; I basically ditto everyone else, if he shows up and doesn't want to be in pictures, he's not in any pictures.  If he takes an inappropriate picture, have the photographer move on to other people.  Also, even as BM he doesn't necessarily have to stand next to FI, he could be seated in the front row.  You can still list him as BM if you're doing a program, but that way he won't have everyone staring at him, triggering his anxiety and causing him to act out.
    short+sassy
  • edited May 25
    It sounds like FFIL has agreed to be best man, but probably against his own interests. He probably has major social anxiety and is internally freaking out about it. FMIL saying he'll just have to find a way to get over it and laughing at his awkwardness? How insensitive and kind of cruel.

    I would seriously limit the number of photos you ask him to be in. Like *only* family portraits. Don't make him be in wedding party photos at all. His role as best man is to stand next to your FI has he hits a huge milestone, not to smile for pictures. Have your FI communicate this to him - "Dad, we'd really like it if you'd be in family portraits, but we understand if you don't want to be in lots of wedding party photos. We'll leave that up to you."

    Not only will limiting photos with him take major pressure off him, but it will probably make getting pictures A LOT easier for you and your photog. 
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  • I think what @lnixon8  suggested would be best, mixed with trying to get as little posed photos as possible.
    My mum is uncomfortable with her photo taken, but she isn't rude about it. When I got married, she knew that between being my only parent alive and mother of bride - she just requested as little photos as possible. Plus I added some silly photos also, it took the edge off and made things so much more comfortable for everyone.
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  • penguinpoppenguinpop
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    edited July 10
    Ok, wedding was this weekend. I met with the photogs separately in person and explained him to them, so they said they would handle it. I met with the wedding co-ordinator who said she would give him to option to sit in the front row instead of stand. I told him that he didn't have to show up for the wedding party photos, just family photos, and he said he would show up for both and he made the choice to stand up during the ceremony. He was actually there super early when just my groom was supposed to be there.


    While he behaved himself for the ceremony and photos, he did not behave himself for our first look. Why he was there for this in the first place, I do not know.


    My husband and I elected to do a first look shoot before the ceremony. My husband stood with his back to me while I approached him and then the photographer told him when to turn around. I had not even made it all the way there and then the heckling started. His dad was off to the side somewhere and started yelling things at us, trying to be funny. I ignored it thinking ok, he'll shout a few things and then he will be quiet and I don't want to ruin the moment or the photos, but he didn't stop. He heckled us the whole time we took photos which was several minutes. I had chipped my tooth the day before which required an emergency visit to the dentist to fix it, so he also yelled things at me about my tooth which was not what I wanted to be thinking about. Instead of focusing on this special emotional moment and seeing my husband for the first time with both of us dressed up, I was trying desperately to shut everything out and trying my hardest not to ruin the photos. I wanted to smack him and tell him to leave and not come back, but I didn't.  


    He was so rude and disrespectful and this was on the level of schoolyard name-calling and bullying. It was just a long stream of mean "joking" things coming out of his mouth.


    I was worried about ruining the moment for my husband and our photos so I just stood there and tried to ignore it but it really took all my concentration. Then about a minute or two in, my MOH saw his dad heckling us and thought she was supposed to, like this was part of the shoot. She didn't realize what was going on, so she walked up and joined in, and now I had two people yelling things at us trying to be funny. This was supposed to be a private emotional tender moment that we will never be able to do over again and I am so angry and disappointed.


    After a few minutes, the photographer suggested we take a walk. I think he didn't stop the shoot or say anything to FIL because he was worried about ruining the moment as well, but then once we took a walk his dad didn't follow.


    I didn't really recover from that for the rest of the wedding. I have been alternating being extremely angry and crying for the last few days. We live with his parents so I have had trouble looking at him and talking to him right now.


    My husband said he was so emotional for that moment he didn't even notice what happened. He said he would talk to his dad but I don't think it will accomplish anything so I told him not to. I have no idea how to deal with this because now I've been mad for 3 days. I can't really fix this or talk to him or my MIL about it - nothing will repair what happened. I talked with my parents about the situation and they recommend that I just deal with this on my own so that I feel better, so I've shut myself in our room and just won't come out if FIL is there until I can emotionally work things out for myself.


    Another person in the wedding party who saw what happened and knows his dad said that the dad had been very emotional throughout the day and when he saw this moment it was probably too much for him so he was trying to break the tension for himself by turning the situation into a joke because that's the only way he knows how to handle things. They suggested I be sensitive to the fact that this was emotional for him too and this was his son's wedding. But this should never have happened and he should never have been there. 


    But I do not find this funny. I am sure with time I will feel better about this but right now It feels so raw and hurtful. Particularly since the family has had to speak with him several times over the last few months about not teasing/heckling me or saying inappropriate things to me. And this wasn't even something he did to me, it was something he did to US. 
  • @penguinpop  First - congrats on getting married!! :)

    Sorry to hear about FIL being .... annoying? I think that's best word. It's probably harder because you live with them also, how much longer are you 2 there?

    Once you have calmed down a bit and aren't as angry, I feel you need to have a conversation with him. Something like "Look, maybe it was intended in good nature but it wasn't taken like that and I spent a lot of time upset about it"
    But it should be a conversation both you, and your husband have with your FIL - just make sure it's done when you aren't as upset so you can get the point across without getting too upset.
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  • charlotte989875 said:
    That sucks, I'm sorry he was acting like that. But I have to ask, when you saw him there, why didn't you just ask him to leave? Or tell him it was a private moment between you and your FI? 

    I actually didn't see him when I walked up, he must have been way off to the side and walked up behind both of us as I was walking out.  My plan that I was sticking to was to walk up very softly behind my husband so he could hear me approach and knew I was there but not say anything to build his anticipation and I didn't know when the photographer was going to tell him to turn around. The inappropriate heckling started when I was about 2 ft away from my husband (and that's when I realized FIL was there), so I didn't want to ruin it for him by having to turn around and suddenly yell to his dad to go away. Because every moment was being photographed, I was afraid to turn around and tell him to leave once he started yelling, because I was afraid it would make it worse and ruin the photos.

  • Jen4948 said:

    That said, I think you now have to focus on the future. I'd make clear to your husband that the moment was ruined for you and "talking to his father" isn't enough. He has to permanently stop making fun of you or saying inappropriate things to relieve his tension if your husband wants you to spend time with his family. But it also might help to develop a really thick skin, because I'm sure those times will come up again.



    I think you are right, I need to develop a thicker skin. This has been a recurring theme of him making fun of me and saying/doing inappropriate things to me since we moved here. Everyone else in the family is so used to it they ignore it. I was heavily bullied as a kid, abused at home, and previously to this wonderful relationship, I was in a very abusive one for 8-9 years. I am much more sensitive to childish/bullying/name-calling/passive aggressive behavior, even if it's meant in a lighthearted way

      Hopefully we will get our own place in a few months. The other night before the wedding he put a very realistic looking fake cockroach in my bathroom on the sink thinking he was being hilarious and then got annoyed when I promptly threw it out after I discovered it and I told him very plainly that I didn't want insects in my bathroom. IT WAS NOT FUNNY. MIL complained to me that I was "not being very fun!" 

    I got really mad at him for his mean "joking" behavior a few months ago. MIL had a talk with him (one of several such talks) to make him stop but also told me that he probably won't stop because he can't change who he is and he doesn't know how to talk to people any other way so if I continue to get mad at him for his behavior he will just write me off and never speak to me again and cut me out of his life, and she didn't want to see that happen.  So I think part of this anger/frustration I am experiencing now is that I'm expected to put up with it since he won't change, and the fate of my relationship with my in-laws (which I really want to be a good relationship!) is on my shoulders to just put up with being treated like this. 

    The best solution is to survive a few more months and move out. MY DH was hoping to stay here for longer and continue to save money but I don't think my psyche can take it. 

    I agree with Banana468 that the only thing I can control here is how I respond to things. 


  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Sorry that happened on your wedding day! I am a bit surprised your photog didn't say anything either (I think you could have).

    While I agree that you are living in his home, I do think that you can speak up more for yourself when these things happen. But it has to be in the moment. Having DH or MIL talk to him later doesn't work. If he says something to you directly, you could say, "Why would you say something like that to me?" It puts the onus on the other person. Or, "FIL, I don't find that comment/joke funny, I find it hurtful". For other things, DH needs to step up more for you- like the plastic coach roach incident.

    Ultimately though, no, you are not going to change him. So you have to figure out what you can deal with, and then discuss with your DH. Hopefully you can talk with a professional and get some coping strategies, but maybe it means DH does stuff with his family alone more, you eat your meals separate while you live there, etc.  I definitely think you should move out ASAP!
    STARMOON44short+sassyOliveOilsMomsparklepants41
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    It really sucks that your FIL behaved that way. Honestly, I can see my dad doing the same thing. He's very uncomfortable with having any kind of emotions, and usually tries to turn everything into a joke. Here's a good example. My H and I decided that we'd both dance with our parents at the same time - H with his mom, me with my dad. We picked out a nice song. My dad and I were dancing, and about 1/3 of the way into the song, he decides he wants to be funny. He goes over to my H, asks if he could cut in (I thought he was going to ask my MIL to dance), and he starts dancing with my H. So instead of a nice touching moment, we had what people thought was a hilarious "parent" dance. 

    This is just the way my dad is. I'm not upset about what happened. I can't change it. 

    Your FIL sounds like a jerk, and the pranks and whatnot would piss me off. But here's the thing - like others have said, you are not going to change him. Ever. He will always be this way. I've had to accept the same about my dad. 

    Unfortunately you (or anyone else) didn't speak up in the moment, during the first look. Bringing it up now will not change a thing. He won't apologize. You need to find a way to move on. Forgive him, accept that he's a jerk. Like a PP said, you can only control the way you react to this. 

    And lastly, you and your H really need to move out of their house. 

    InLoveInQueensSP29PrettyGirlLosteileenrob
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    @penguinpop  so I'm totally with you on a "ruined" first look....  for some reason my mother thought it would be appropriate to butt in and squawk comments while I was in the middle of my first look with H...  granted, she wasn't heckling/saying mean things, but it's actually a vivid memory still.  I will always remember that being part of the first look...

    That being said, I think it will help when you get your pictures back- it did for me.  In the pictures, all you see is me and H, and our happiness and excitement.  There's no one else- just us.  And it made me remember that no matter what, it was still an amazing time to ourselves- the first time we saw each other, hugged, and took on the day together :)  I hope your pics do the same for you...  
    short+sassySP29
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