Wedding Party

FIL (who is also best man) hates having picture taken

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Re: FIL (who is also best man) hates having picture taken

  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ
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    edited July 11
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  • forgive my tangent here but OliveOilsMom Your animated baby gif In your signature made me lol. I needed that ;)

    I had a talk with DH (I'm calling him DH now! tee hee!) and we will start looking when we get back from the honeymoon.

    I've been putting up with a lot here from his dad who thinks he is hilarious but it's just mean. Leading up to the wedding I had gained a bunch of weight and while I was dieting so I could fit back into the wedding dress (and I made my goal so yaaayyy!!), he would put extra unhealthy food on my plate and tell me I had to eat it because I wasn't fat enough.  He would make fun of me when I ate vegetables and tell me how disgusting my food was. When DH was dieting he would make derogatory comments about how I had his son eating "healthy girly crap" which also hurt my feelings. I stopped eating dinner with him when I could help it. Then I had a meal replacement drink that was up on a shelf and he rigged it so that every day when I got my drink, fake insects would fall on my head. Every day for a month. He used to make jokes about my DH cheating on me (DH never has) which got me really upset and he didn't understand how that might not be funny to me (my dad cheated on my mom which FIL knows). 

    other family members have just recommended that I ignore it because all of them do, but it's hard because I want to stand up for myself, so I have to fight my instincts. I have heavily considered going to therapy to better cope with all of this. 

    My mom describes him as someone who will tickle you until you pee and doesn't understand the line between funny and abuse. 

    I had a talk with some cousins who were pretty sure he would behave himself for the wedding, so I guess he mostly did for the photos and ceremony, he just couldn't help himself for our first look which was not how I wanted to start off our marriage. I'm not going to expect an apology, it wont do any good anyway. 

    Anyway, planning our move-out soon and this can all just be contained to when we have to come visit as opposed to an every day thing.  Thank you so much to everyone commenting here with support. <3
  • SP29SP29
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Girl, GTFO now!

    I would not find ANY of that funny either. DH also needs to step up more in this. Honestly, if FIL makes inappropriate comments like that, I would leave (the room, the house...).

    If he isn't going to be respectful to you, then he doesn't get to be involved in your life (at least that is my opinion).

    I talked about figuring out what you can deal with and what you can't. I would not live with my FIL. Nope, nope, nope! Neither would DH fortunately. I can handle him in small doses, and in those small doses he can be down right pleasant! But I know that we have very different opinions and "styles" in life. I would feel like he was constantly judging me, and he has a habit of getting pissed off at the smallest thing yet not telling you he's upset about something (but he'll tell someone else, like my SIL). Nope, nope, nope!
    charlotte989875
  • justsiejustsie
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    I agree with PPs, H needs to stand up for you if he agrees that this behavior is wrong (which it is) and you two need to move out yesterday. I do want to point out though, that you are not going to change this man. Standing up for yourself is great, but it isn't going to make him change his behaviors because he and everyone else around him sees nothing wrong with it. Go to counselling so you can learn how to deal with the feelings you have towards him and his behaviors, because it probably isn't going to change and you have married into this family. 
    image
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I'm really also curious as to where your H is in all of this. 

    You guys needed to move out yesterday. This is an unhealthy living situation. 

    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • Why have we not moved out - I moved across the country to be with DH and I am currently working remotely part time for my old company while looking for a better paying job or a second remote job. I am making more than minimum wage but less than we need, and the company I am working for seems to be in trouble so I don't know how secure this job is.  DH has also been making just under what we need to move out and his company also got bought out by another company and some people will be let go over the next few months so there is a lot of uncertainty in the next couple of months unless/until he gets a new job as well.  We are close to being able to afford our own place with our current jobs but with the uncertainty on both sides and not having quite enough of an income we are pretty stuck for the moment. We have been trying for the last several months to get better jobs so we are kind of stuck until something comes through.  I've already been on a few interviews for full time jobs making a lot more money but nothing came through yet. Something will come through soon, it's just not soon enough. 

    DH is nothing like his father but is so used to these things that he hardly notices them because he's been ignoring it all his life. Its only when I point them out that he realizes its a problem, and even then he tells me it's just meant as a joke and not a personal attack though he sees where I am coming from and how it is mean.  MIL is the same and says that's his personality and he is only doing these things because he is treating me like a member of the family. Both he and his mom have had to speak with his dad many times over the last few months regarding this behavior. FIL doesn't understand at all and then will avoid me for a week and then go back to the old behavior.  His mom has warned me that if his dad decides he just can't say anything to me anymore, he will just completely cut me out of his life entirely and it would become a very bad situation for everyone and there will be no coming back from that. I have gotten mad at him twice where I yelled at him and he didn't understand what he was saying/doing was wrong and MIL says If I get upset with him one more time she thinks that will be it for our relationship and he will just avoid me forever and it will likely hurt his relationship with DH. 

    Both MIL and DH have said to me that it's really on me to be the "adult" since he can't help himself and doesn't get it. He will not change and cannot and I am living in his house so the only control I have over the situation is how I react. It's a lot of pressure on me. The rest of the family's advice to me is to just put up with it and ignore it until we can get out of here.  Price of free rent. 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    How this man married someone and she put up with his antics long enough to have a child is beyond me! 

    Its not fair of MIL to make you act like the adult either.  Why can't FIL just give pleasantries of hello, how is your day, etc?  Why does he have to go the extra mile to pull pranks and make jokes.

    Good luck OP.  I truly mean that, you are in a terrible spot and I hope you and DH can get your financials secured with better jobs so you can move out.

    STARMOON44MissKittyDangershort+sassySP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    Sounds to me like 1) you need to get the hell out of there ASAP and 2) your DH and MIL need to realize that it's not okay to expect you to act like "the adult" all the time while his father abuses you. In the meantime, I'd definitely keep my distance from your FIL.
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • scribe95 said:
    Your husband thinks it's on you to be the adult and make it work? No f-ing way. I would have put every penny toward getting out of that house before even thinking about a wedding. Find a roommate. Do whatever you have to to get out. 
    This. 

    What the fuck, penguinpop's DH?  Your dad is an asshole, so the solution is letting him verbally and emotionally abuse your wife and telling HER to "be the adult"? Yea no.

    If it were me and I were working part time, I would get a job at McDonald's (or whatever) if that's all that's available. Not just to get the fuck out of that house, but to make some extra cash to leave. Some of this is within your control.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueenssparklepants41PrettyGirlLost
  • Yeah, you need to be out of there. Does anyone else in the have to endure the same level of treatment? DH needs to get the idea that this isn't normal and he needs to speak up for you, not tell you to just ignore FIL's abuse. If this were my DH I'd be telling him he needs to put me first and not stand for his dad abusing me or he can live there without me. Therapy for both of you-- for you to find some coping skills and for DH to see that it's an abusive situation that shouldn't be tolerated.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    *picks jaw up from the floor.*

    I have a douchey FIL, but nothing like this.   Mine makes passive aggressive comments and is just an ass.  (For example,  he arrived at a family function and we were already there.   I said hi and he said,  "yeah,  I already said hi.")  

    I've been seeing a therapist for years (long before we got married).  My therapist emphasizes managing my expectations.  Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness - I think this would be helpful for you to navigate this situation.   I also think it would be helpful to bring your husband to a session. 

    Hang in there!



    Anniversary
    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • Thanks Everyone.

    We have now been asked to leave the house anyway as soon as we get back from our honeymoon which is soon. So that lines up with the plans I had anyway.  

    I've talked to one of DH's close friends about this who has pointed out several bad friendships and other girlfriends DH has had where the other person treats him very poorly or uses him and he just ignores it or doesn't notice it at all and is unable to see that he is being treated badly. So he learned to ignore his dad and it just translated over to other relationships in his life and how he allows other people to treat him. He is only starting to learn that this is wrong. 

    Yes I need to get into therapy, I have no problem with that. I think it will help a lot. I am gearing up for our honeymoon so I have refocused myself on what I need to do to leave as well as finding a place to live and then I'll find a therapist near wherever we end up. 

    Also thank you to the previous poster who had a similar experience with their mom. I hope when I get the photos back I will feel better too.

  • Who the hell are all these people who think it's appropriate to crash a 1st look?!

    And why the hell did none of the photogs tell people to get the fuck out?!  Did you guys have a wedding coordinator?  If so why didn't they play bouncer?

    This is just nuts to me.  I'm sorry your own family ruined your 1st looks, OP and NowIAmSyp.

    Lurkers- DO NOT tell anyone when you're doing your 1st look or the location.  No one.  Don't even mention you're doing one.

    When you are giving your WP and VIPs their timelines for the wedding, just tell them when and where to show up and make sure it's well after your 1st look. 



    For us it was raining hard and the Photographers brought us to an area where there was less rain/wetness. We had originally planned a different secluded spot but we didn't have many choices because it was raining so hard and the ground was soaking wet. DH and I had umbrellas and I think the Photographer was hoping the rain would discourage the others from coming over to where we were who did not have umbrellas, but they did anyway. I had given everyone else an itinerary to come half an hour after the first look but FIL had taken DH and some other groomsmen out for lunch and they all carpooled together early to get DH there and then had nothing better to do :(

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
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    Thanks Everyone.

    We have now been asked to leave the house anyway as soon as we get back from our honeymoon which is soon. So that lines up with the plans I had anyway.  

    I've talked to one of DH's close friends about this who has pointed out several bad friendships and other girlfriends DH has had where the other person treats him very poorly or uses him and he just ignores it or doesn't notice it at all and is unable to see that he is being treated badly. So he learned to ignore his dad and it just translated over to other relationships in his life and how he allows other people to treat him. He is only starting to learn that this is wrong. 

    Yes I need to get into therapy, I have no problem with that. I think it will help a lot. I am gearing up for our honeymoon so I have refocused myself on what I need to do to leave as well as finding a place to live and then I'll find a therapist near wherever we end up. 

    Also thank you to the previous poster who had a similar experience with their mom. I hope when I get the photos back I will feel better too.
    Woah, what's the deal with this?

    Did you tell your FIL to knock the shit off and he's cutting you out like your MIL threatened?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875
  • Thanks Everyone.

    We have now been asked to leave the house anyway as soon as we get back from our honeymoon which is soon. So that lines up with the plans I had anyway.  

    I've talked to one of DH's close friends about this who has pointed out several bad friendships and other girlfriends DH has had where the other person treats him very poorly or uses him and he just ignores it or doesn't notice it at all and is unable to see that he is being treated badly. So he learned to ignore his dad and it just translated over to other relationships in his life and how he allows other people to treat him. He is only starting to learn that this is wrong. 

    Yes I need to get into therapy, I have no problem with that. I think it will help a lot. I am gearing up for our honeymoon so I have refocused myself on what I need to do to leave as well as finding a place to live and then I'll find a therapist near wherever we end up. 

    Also thank you to the previous poster who had a similar experience with their mom. I hope when I get the photos back I will feel better too.
    Woah, what's the deal with this?

    Did you tell your FIL to knock the shit off and he's cutting you out like your MIL threatened?
    Yup, that's pretty much what happened. 

    What happened afterwards was more WTF. 

    Afterwards, MIL came to talk to me about it to let me know she warned me and I didn't listen, and now FIL will never speak to me again and wants nothing to do with me.

    She was simultaneously mad at me for attempting to avoid FIL to avoid a problem, and also mad at me for having problems with him when he teased me. And she was mad at me for standing up for myself which she felt was rude and snarky. 

    I thought it might help if I told her what happened at the wedding. I was starting to get over this incident slowly on my own, but discussing this with her was a total backfire and made the whole situation  worse.

    She blamed me for FIL's actions at the wedding. Told me that if it was that important, I should have told him about it and I should have told him not to make fun of me during that time (seriously?). Told me the photographer should have talked to him beforehand to warn him not to make fun of us during the photos. Told me I should have stopped the first look and told him to stop making fun of me if it was actually that important to me. I explained why I didn't say anything and didn't stop it. I said it was a very emotional moment and her son was crying and I was crying and we were capturing this moment in photos and that was not an appropriate time to tease us, and it left me feeling hurt and upset that both of us were being made fun of. She said that was irrelevant because her son cried through the rest of the wedding and I have pictures of that, so what does it matter when the photos were taken? She also said that I have other pictures for the rest of the day so I shouldn't care about those pictures. She offered that her husband probably saw us being emotional and thought he needed to help by lightening the mood. I said he KNOWS I hate being teased so why on earth is this appropriate? She said once again this was my responsibility - knowing that FIL likes to tease me - to make sure he knew not to at that particular point in time.

    What I don't understand is that I have been continually saying don't tease me and he does it anyway, so why would he agree not to make fun of me for a particular moment in time when he should not be teasing me at all ever?

     Anyway,  She said she feels I have decided that I don't like her husband so now from her perspective, anything he does I get mad at, so she is having trouble taking me seriously because she feels that I am just finding excuses to be mad at him. She brought up other times I have gotten mad at him (when he has made fun of me or said insulting things about my husband) and she said none of these times were a big deal because he was joking every time, and I am the one with a problem since I can't take a joke. 

    This is totally unhealthy and toxic and I have spent this whole week looking at apartments. I want to move before the honeymoon if possible so we can just come home to our own place afterwards.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    penguinpop said:m
    Thanks Everyone.

    We have now been asked to leave the house anyway as soon as we get back from our honeymoon which is soon. So that lines up with the plans I had anyway.  

    I've talked to one of DH's close friends about this who has pointed out several bad friendships and other girlfriends DH has had where the other person treats him very poorly or uses him and he just ignores it or doesn't notice it at all and is unable to see that he is being treated badly. So he learned to ignore his dad and it just translated over to other relationships in his life and how he allows other people to treat him. He is only starting to learn that this is wrong. 

    Yes I need to get into therapy, I have no problem with that. I think it will help a lot. I am gearing up for our honeymoon so I have refocused myself on what I need to do to leave as well as finding a place to live and then I'll find a therapist near wherever we end up. 

    Also thank you to the previous poster who had a similar experience with their mom. I hope when I get the photos back I will feel better too.
    Woah, what's the deal with this?

    Did you tell your FIL to knock the shit off and he's cutting you out like your MIL threatened?
    Yup, that's pretty much what happened. 

    What happened afterwards was more WTF. 

    Afterwards, MIL came to talk to me about it to let me know she warned me and I didn't listen, and now FIL will never speak to me again and wants nothing to do with me.

    She was simultaneously mad at me for attempting to avoid FIL to avoid a problem, and also mad at me for having problems with him when he teased me. And she was mad at me for standing up for myself which she felt was rude and snarky. 

    I thought it might help if I told her what happened at the wedding. I was starting to get over this incident slowly on my own, but discussing this with her was a total backfire and made the whole situation  worse.

    She blamed me for FIL's actions at the wedding. Told me that if it was that important, I should have told him about it and I should have told him not to make fun of me during that time (seriously?). Told me the photographer should have talked to him beforehand to warn him not to make fun of us during the photos. Told me I should have stopped the first look and told him to stop making fun of me if it was actually that important to me. I explained why I didn't say anything and didn't stop it. I said it was a very emotional moment and her son was crying and I was crying and we were capturing this moment in photos and that was not an appropriate time to tease us, and it left me feeling hurt and upset that both of us were being made fun of. She said that was irrelevant because her son cried through the rest of the wedding and I have pictures of that, so what does it matter when the photos were taken? She also said that I have other pictures for the rest of the day so I shouldn't care about those pictures. She offered that her husband probably saw us being emotional and thought he needed to help by lightening the mood. I said he KNOWS I hate being teased so why on earth is this appropriate? She said once again this was my responsibility - knowing that FIL likes to tease me - to make sure he knew not to at that particular point in time.

    What I don't understand is that I have been continually saying don't tease me and he does it anyway, so why would he agree not to make fun of me for a particular moment in time when he should not be teasing me at all ever?

     Anyway,  She said she feels I have decided that I don't like her husband so now from her perspective, anything he does I get mad at, so she is having trouble taking me seriously because she feels that I am just finding excuses to be mad at him. She brought up other times I have gotten mad at him (when he has made fun of me or said insulting things about my husband) and she said none of these times were a big deal because he was joking every time, and I am the one with a problem since I can't take a joke. 

    This is totally unhealthy and toxic and I have spent this whole week looking at apartments. I want to move before the honeymoon if possible so we can just come home to our own place afterwards.
    Amen. 

    But since this is how your MIL has treated you with regard to your FIL all along, I'm not clear on why you thought speaking to her about this would result in better treatment from her or your FIL.

    I think your top priorities should be moving out of your FILs' house (forgo your honeymoon if necessary to find a place) and making sure that your husband is on your side when it comes to his family (since he hasn't been). He needs to understand that his father's rudeness and hostility to you is neither a joke nor acceptable. I'd insist on counseling for both of you to reinforce that, but even if he won't go with you, I'd still go on your own.
    PrettyGirlLostDrillSergeantCatOliveOilsMom
  • Our honeymoon is all paid for, we can't not go at this point or we'd lose the $. Otherwise I'd just skip it so we could move. 

    Yes, it was a bad idea to share with her. I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm not going to share with her ever again. I didn't think she would agree with me, I think I was just hoping to share how I felt since we are family now and my mom thought it might help in that she would see I trying to communicate with her. My mom said that's what she would want from her daughter in law - but clearly that was stupid on my part.  Never again. DH agreed to go to counseling with me. 
  • I'd still see what you can do to shorten the trip if you can get money back.   Trip insurance??  

    All of this smacks to me that you and your FI need to find yourselves in a place totally independent from his family.  

    In the future I think this is a lesson as well - don't plan vacations when your living arrangements are tentative at best.    Plan to work job(s) to get your savings in order so you aren't living dependent on anyone other than yourself.


    PrettyGirlLostMyNameIsNotInLoveInQueens
  • " Told me I should have stopped the first look and told him to stop making fun of me if it was actually that important to me."

    and she is right about this!
    InLoveInQueensclimbingwifecharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
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