Favors

charity favors

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Re: charity favors

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    Actually I didn't say anything to folks about donating to a charity instead of a favor. I literally just gave out charity cards (in a little bag that also included wedding-bubbles and a thank-you note). People were free to not take one or leave it behind if they opened it and didn't like it. I have no idea what the venom is about, but I've discovered that this board gets angry about wedding favors.

    As far as edible favors, lots of folks have allergies and/or don't like certain foods. Goes into can't-please-everyone again. I did think about edible favors also at one point and decided I'd do better with charity in my group.


    We had someone last week who was going to print a card that said a donation has been made instead of a favor. That probably got mixed in with your discussion. 

    Again, if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to use it (it being whatever favor you choose) and I'm glad your group enjoyed the card, but from MY perspective, I'd be thinking that it was just to make you look like a good person while knowing most people wouldn't use them. 

    I've actually not seen anyone get mad over favors unless it's like this and the other example I wrote about. Most of us say, "Save your money and don't do a favor or do an edible." We're adults who don't need a treat for going to a party. 
    charlotte989875SP29
  • edited May 31
    Well, it depends on your audience. Most of mine ARE being used (either have been already or the person has mentioned it to me), but mine was a small wedding where I knew the recipients well. At a very large wedding, it'd be different.

    I once read on this board that someone gave out little charity tokens (a few to each person I think) and then made up little baskets with names of 3 different charities.  The person could drop the tokens into the basket of their choice (or not at all) and the bride/groom would make a donation to each charity based on the number of tokens.  I liked that too.  I thought it was a nice idea.  I wanted to share the website I'd found because I thought it was a nice idea also.  I think normalizing the idea of adding something charitable to an otherwise very indulgent event is a good thing.  I hope to see more of it.  I wish the people who get so angry about this could just leave it alone.  I really just wanted to share something for people who think similarly to me.  After spending a lot of money on food and drink, etc. I liked the idea of doing something charitable.  And I thought my guests would enjoy picking the charities, and they did.
  • If you REALLY know your crowd and you know every single person supported a charity listed on that card it's not the end of the world. I still personally think it's icky to make a show out of donating money to charity, doing volunteer work, etc. There is also a difference between having a fancy wedding and hosting guests well vs. making a big deal out of charity donations.

    I did edible favors, but because we asked about dietary restrictions for the meal and because we knew our guests well, I was able to accommodate ALL of their restrictions (including my cousin's son who is allergic to gluten, soy, nuts & dairy).
    charlotte989875
  • Hey, I have no objections to edible favors -- it just sounded more difficult to pick a food everyone would like.  Whereas I had 300 options for charity.  I really can't think of anyone I know who couldn't find a single one of those charities that they'd care to support.  But if they didn't, they could leave the card behind or pass it on or something. 

    I don't see that posting about a charitable contribution is any worse than having a big fancy wedding where people can see you've spent tons of money on indulgences.  In fact, I'd much rather see the charitable contribution than lavish over-the-top spending -- the latter is much more likely to seem gross to me.  


    Australian_girl_in_Paris
  • edited May 31
    But then my guests wouldn't have been able to pick the charities. I wanted to support the ones that THEY like, not the ones that I like. And maybe I couldn't give them every single option in the world, but I could give them 300 to choose from.
  • I didn't privately donate the money because I wanted the people at my wedding to choose where it went.  Because they have charities that are meaningful to them, and I wanted to support those.  Many of them sent me personal notes saying how they appreciated it.

    I think it's funny that people think it's fine to be as over-the-top as you want -- with dresses that costs thousands of dollars, open bar, 7-piece bands, stuff like that.  As if that's not a huge cry for attention.  But if you mention that you're giving to a charity, people on the Knot just want you to hush it up 'cause maybe you're trying to look good.  Like doing something good is somehow vile and it should be all about indulgence.  Sorry, but I don't feel that way.

    But I'm not trying to convince you or anyone to give out charity cards.  I just came on here to share the option that I found for those who *do* want to give charity favors -- so they'd know about the card option.  Judging from the sticky thread about it, a lot of people want to do charitable donations as favors and they will.  Even if you don't like it -- even if you think it's rude -- people are going to do it anyway.  And my post was for those guys, not for you.  Because it was helpful for me when I read some of the other ideas for charity favors, I thought it might similarly be helpful for someone else to read about the one I'd come across.  Personally I hope that charitable giving at weddings becomes a common thing and that I see it at every wedding I attend.  I'll be very glad if someone makes a donation to charity on my behalf.  I'd prefer that to whatnots or treats any day.

  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    What it is to you?  If you don't want to give charity wedding favors, DON'T. I think it's a good thing. I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad other people do it.  It's the only type of wedding favor I ever hope to receive.  I couldn't care less about "appropriate manners." 

    If you give away some little whatnot, there's a good chance that folks will hate it and throw it away.  If they hated the charity card, they could do the same.  So what difference does it make?  In my case, it resulted in a lot of emails where people told me which charities they'd chosen and why.  I really enjoyed learning about that and I do feel joyful about it. 

    My original post is not for you -- it's for the folks out there who would like to do a charity option.  I don't care whether you think that's good manners or not. Fortunately, not all of us are bound by silly rules.



    So why are you posting here?  On The Knot, we give sound, etiquette approved advice to brides who are trying to plan a tasteful, polite wedding.  If you "couldn't care less", you do not belong here.  I usually welcome new members, but you really need an attitude adjustment.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I thought this was a forum for people who wanted to talk about weddings. I wanted to discuss charity gifts because I used one and people liked it and I wanted to share the idea.  Instead my thread was hijacked by people who don't like what I've done and want to convince me that it was a bad idea.  I don't really understand the venom, but I guess charity gifts are an offensive idea to some people.  I've heard their opinions, but I don't agree with them.  I wish the ones who were so offended could have picked another thread.  Judging from the sticky thread on this topic, other people like the idea of charity gifts and might have liked talking about them.  Even if some people consider it bad manners, I still think a good thing.  I hope it becomes a trend.  If etiquette says giving charitable donations is bad, then the rules of etiquette need to change.
  • Your sarcasm is no less rude than any exasperation I've expressed on here.

    My tone was negative because I'd been attacked repeatedly. My first post was innocuous enough and not intended to start conflict.  But I reached my limit after being attacked for having the audacity to do something that indicated I supported charity.  And sorry, but I don't think telling people you've made a donation to a charity of their choice on their behalf is rude.  And it's certainly no more attention seeking than putting on a wedding dress and throwing a party.  It just has the benefit of doing something that's actually good in the world.

    Moppet82
  • Thanks, I'm agnostic also and I don't find it applicable. But I often go by what I would personally like. And I would personally like it if someone gave to a charity on my behalf. People could do that all day long and I would never take offense. Actually, I would think it's great that I'd inspired them to do something good.  One of my friends posts every Christmas (on Facebook) that she'll donate to charities her friends believe in if they tell her the charities. I think that's great. Maybe other people find it offensive. If they do, I can't relate to them. I think she's even raising awareness that there are others out there who are unfortunate.

    I'm not sure why folks want to beat up on something as insignificant as a wedding favor anyway. Why not just let those of us who want to give to charity do so without so much grief?  It's not hurting anyone, and it might actually be doing some good in the world.  Why not just let people have a conversation about the options without attacking the idea?
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    Thanks, I'm agnostic also and I don't find it applicable. But I often go by what I would personally like. And I would personally like it if someone gave to a charity on my behalf. People could do that all day long and I would never take offense. Actually, I would think it's great that I'd inspired them to do something good.  One of my friends posts every Christmas (on Facebook) that she'll donate to charities her friends believe in if they tell her the charities. I think that's great. Maybe other people find it offensive. If they do, I can't relate to them. I think she's even raising awareness that there are others out there who are unfortunate.

    I'm not sure why folks want to beat up on something as insignificant as a wedding favor anyway. Why not just let those of us who want to give to charity do so without so much grief?  It's not hurting anyone, and it might actually be doing some good in the world.  Why not just let people have a conversation about the options without attacking the idea?


    I'm not going to dignify this with a response because I've had a shitty couple of days at work and I think I injured my shoulders earlier. Instead, I'm just going to put you on ignore. Bye.
  • edited June 1
    Well, I can't imagine what was offensive about my comment, but clearly this whole thread is controversial for some folks. The last paragraph was meant as a general question (not to the last poster in specific), so I guess that was it. I have found this thread to be extremely harsh on the idea of charity favors.
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited June 1
    I don't think you read the sticky at the top of this board very carefully.  The writer was cautioning people about doing this, not encouraging it.
    There are other wedding websites that will blow rainbows and unicorns at you, and tell you that any rude idea you have is perfectly wonderful.  Not here.  We tell brides the truth, even when they don't like it.
    Think about it.  Not one person has told you that giving to charily and announcing that you are doing it is a good idea.  No one!  Doesn't that tell you that your idea might not be a good one?
    After you posted that you don't care about good manners, I do know what to think.  I'm with @OurWildKingdom .  Bye.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEwe
  • edited June 1
    I read the sticky. It's clear to me that some people don't like charity gifts as wedding favors, but it's also clear to me that other people do (judging from the many responses to that sticky). I wasn't soliciting people's advice on whether it was a good idea -- I was stating that I had already done it and that my recipients appreciated it.  It went over well, and I thought people might like to know about it. I thought people might be interested in the site that I'd found, but I'm sure anyone who was would have been afraid to speak up on this angry thread. Any discussion of the topic was completely shut down by people who think it doesn't follow the rules. That's just hateful.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited June 1










    I read the sticky. It's clear to me that some people don't like charity gifts as wedding favors, but it's also clear to me that other people do (judging from the many responses to that sticky). I wasn't soliciting people's advice on whether it was a good idea -- I was stating that I had already done it and that my recipients appreciated it.  It went over well, and I thought people might like to know about it. I thought people might be interested in the site that I'd found, but I'm sure anyone who was would have been afraid to speak up on this angry thread. Any discussion of the topic was completely shut down by people who think it doesn't follow the rules. That's just hateful.










    As you saw, our forum isn't concerned with how popular your gesture was-because whether or not your family or friends liked it is not relevant to whether or not your gesture was appropriate. Nor is your desire to support any of 300 causes a justification for your need to toot your own horn to your guests about your decision that someone else needs your resources more than they did.

    When hosting wedding reception guests, their needs take priority. Not yours. Not whomever you seem "in need" of charitable donations. The reception is a thank you for your guests. Nobody is thanked by being told that other people get one's resources instead.

    Sorry, but none of the arguments you've advanced in this thread justify your decision to make a public announcement to your guests that you were giving to charity "in lieu of" something for them. And sorry, but none of the arguments you've advanced in this thread are persuasive that a donation to a charity selected by YOU as a "worthy cause" (regardless of how many you "offered" your guests) make such a donation "for the benefit of your guests."
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensgeebee908
  • I like the idea. Thanks for sharing. I probably won't be doing it, but it would have been something my crowd would definitely appreciate.
    It like that it's interactive for guests getting to choose where the money goes, and not just told about a donation made for them. If I ever got a favour like that, I would be thrilled!

    knottiec9d9a8992a69c629JediElizabethAustralian_girl_in_ParisMoppet82
  • Thanks Glasshalfempty, you were brave to say anything on this angry thread.
    Glasshalfempty
  • The main thing I notice about the sticky thread on this topic is that almost every single response to it was from someone who was doing some variation of a charitable favor (or charitable donation) at their own wedding.  That is, until the topic was closed down (perhaps because the OP didn't like those responses?).  It's a common thing and will keep happening regardless of how much people online try to shout it down or shame people for doing it.  Threads like this just make sure they can't discuss it on here.  It's a shame since that's what forums are supposed to be about and I suspect lots of people have ideas on how to do charity favors creatively.  But they'll have to find somewhere other than the Knot to have civil discourse on the subject.  The Knot forum overall is extremely combative and touchy with people constantly making announcements that they'll ignore you, etc.  I've seen more polite boards on politics.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    The main thing I notice about the sticky thread on this topic is that almost every single response to it was from someone who was doing some variation of a charitable favor (or charitable donation) at their own wedding.  That is, until the topic was closed down (perhaps because the OP didn't like those responses?).  It's a common thing and will keep happening regardless of how much people online try to shout it down or shame people for doing it.  Threads like this just make sure they can't discuss it on here.  It's a shame since that's what forums are supposed to be about and I suspect lots of people have ideas on how to do charity favors creatively.  But they'll have to find somewhere other than the Knot to have civil discourse on the subject.  The Knot forum overall is extremely combative and touchy with people constantly making announcements that they'll ignore you, etc.  I've seen more polite boards on politics.


    If you bothered to read that thread, why did you not take away that you were advocating a very unpopular idea? Why are those of us who don't support it for the reasons we mentioned, both in that thread and this one, supposed to validate it? Just because YOU think we should?

    You advanced no arguments in its favor besides "my friends and relatives loved it." In other threads here, we note that the popularity of an idea does not mean it passes muster in terms of propriety.

    You're beating a dead horse. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    @LondonLisa A girl I went to school with had an announcement in the paper when she was getting married. These are normally written by either the bride or her mother. Hers actually said, "Bride is getting married in a $25,000 Vera Wang original gown." It just screamed 1)new money and 2)look at everything we can afford and you can't. It was tacky AF and I thought her family knew better. 
  • Actually, the responses on the sticky shows me that it's a popular idea, not an unpopular one. Even Brides magazine suggests it as recently as January of this year:

    http://www.brides.com/story/wedding-favors-that-give-back

    It's clearly more acceptable than it might have been initially.

    But I'm not trying to make anyone support it. I just think people who are likeminded should be able to discuss it without being shouted down.  But they can't because all the people on here are going to do is shout them down. 











    Glasshalfempty
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    edited June 1




    Actually, the responses on the sticky shows me that it's a popular idea, not an unpopular one. Even Brides magazine suggests it as recently as January of this year:

    http://www.brides.com/story/wedding-favors-that-give-back

    It's clearly more acceptable than it might have been initially.

    But I'm not trying to make anyone support it. I just think people who are likeminded should be able to discuss it without being shouted down.  But they can't because all the people on here are going to do is shout them down. 















    The reason the sticky was closed wasn't because the OP didn't like the responses, it's because it's a sticky and those aren't meant for discussion.

    You have to take everything you read in bridal magazine and on bridal websites (including the knot) with a grain of salt. They're in the business of selling wedding stuff not in the business of etiquette. 

    I'm glad your guests liked the favor. It's apparent that many people do. It's also apparent that many people find it tacky. I did a little research and Miss Manners says that as long as the charitable donation is given with another gift, it's fine. In this case, you gave your guests a gift (dinner, drinks, etc) and also a charitable donation. I think maybe the way you did it was a bit over the top, but I'd rather have a little card with a picture of the B&G to stick to my fridge than a crappy coozie or candle.
    cupcait927
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    The reason we're going to "shout you down" about it is because it violates etiquette. No amount of "I like/we like the idea" or "You're shouting me down" makes it appropriate.

    You're being incredibly defensive about what nearly everyone here told you was a bad idea, and you're even resorting to ad hominem attacks like "you're angry/you're mean" ad nauseam. If your original arguments didn't convince us, what makes you think that your playing the victim or name-calling will?
  • Thanks, I appreciate that. I looked around some also and the New York Times posted about wedding favors too: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/21/fashion/weddings/heartfelt-donations-replace-wedding-party-favors.html  It's a popular idea.

    Perhaps a photo wasn't the best, but that was just so they'd have something less generic.  I figure most of the cards get thrown away after they're used, but some might be kept -- just like a few people kept the programs afterward (while most went to recycling). 

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