Moms and Maids

Birth Mother and Mom Potential Drama

My parents adopted me when I was 8 days old.  My birth mother turned 18 just 4 days after I was born.  My being adopted was never a secret.  I remember proudly announcing it at Grade 1 "show and share" because I thought it was so cool.

When I turned 18, I submitted an application to the agency that matches biological children with parents, provided both have registered as wanting to be "found".  As luck would have it, she had registered a few years before (despite the fact that when I was born she had requested complete anonymity, later in life she had a change of heart).

So, in a crazy whirlwind, we talked on the phone and then she flew to meet me not long after (she worked for an airline, so that was convenient).  To be honest, it was a really bad time in life for me.  I had a drug problem.  When she arrived I was just coming off a 3-day bender and I wasn't making the best choices.

I took her to meet my mother, unannounced.  My mom was PISSED, because her house was being renovated, and it was shocking for her.  I was an idiot.  It was the worst possible circumstance for their first meeting.

Fast forward a few months, and I dropped out of college (that my parents were paying for) and moved across the province to live with her and my half-sibling and her then-husband.  I didn't drop out because of her, I dropped out because I never went to class and was on academic suspension.  I never wanted to go to college but my parents insisted, so I was being rebellious.

Lived with her family for 6 months, and was a complete jerk to them as well, because I was not a good person then.  I had met my now-ex-husband during that time and ultimately moved away to marry him.  He had a strong dislike for birth mother because she thought he was controlling and tried to undermine our relationship.

I didn't invite her to my first wedding because the idea of her being there made my mom and my then-husband uncomfortable.  It obviously was a real blow to that relationship, which was already fragile.

Over the 10+ years that followed we had infrequent contact, spent a handful of hours together, generally just went on with separate lives.

In the past couple of years we've sort of reconnected, and as she's a florist she graciously offered to make all of my centerpieces, bouquet, etc for the wedding.  I tried to pay her, but she refused.  They are our wedding gift, which is wonderful and I am so grateful.  I spent 3 days at her house (she lives about 9 hours away) to help her make them and we had a really nice visit.  I didn't tell my mom I was going, because she's already annoyed that birth mother is invited to the wedding at all.  I didn't keep it a secret (I posted a couple of times on FB) but I also didn't really inform her ahead of time.

Birth mother has no idea that my mom has negative feelings towards her.  I just couldn't open old wounds.  I did my best to reassure my mom that she will always be my mom.  This woman is more like a friend, an aunt at best.  There's no competition.  However, I'm just hopeful that mom can be polite for the day.  I'm sitting birth mother with friends, not family, which I am sure she will understand.  She's attending with her now-husband, whom I really like, so at least she won't be alone.  She won't know anyone there regardless, so I don't think it matters much.

My mom is also jealous as they are in a bad financial situation and she hasn't been able to contribute to the wedding at all.  I didn't expect or ask for anything, particularly as I have been married before and they paid for that.  However I know it hurts her.  I've taken her to dress fittings, spent the day with her, involved her as much as possible.

I am just anxious about their interaction on the day.  It's a smaller wedding (55 people) so it's not like there will be a huge crowd.  Fingers crossed.

Thank you for reading.  If you have any advice, insight, similar experiences I am all ears!  Did you have guests you were afraid would have issues and it went well?  Please tell me it will be ok, heh.

Re: Birth Mother and Mom Potential Drama

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member


    My parents adopted me when I was 8 days old.  My birth mother turned 18 just 4 days after I was born.  My being adopted was never a secret.  I remember proudly announcing it at Grade 1 "show and share" because I thought it was so cool.

    When I turned 18, I submitted an application to the agency that matches biological children with parents, provided both have registered as wanting to be "found".  As luck would have it, she had registered a few years before (despite the fact that when I was born she had requested complete anonymity, later in life she had a change of heart).

    So, in a crazy whirlwind, we talked on the phone and then she flew to meet me not long after (she worked for an airline, so that was convenient).  To be honest, it was a really bad time in life for me.  I had a drug problem.  When she arrived I was just coming off a 3-day bender and I wasn't making the best choices.

    I took her to meet my mother, unannounced.  My mom was PISSED, because her house was being renovated, and it was shocking for her.  I was an idiot.  It was the worst possible circumstance for their first meeting.

    Fast forward a few months, and I dropped out of college (that my parents were paying for) and moved across the province to live with her and my half-sibling and her then-husband.  I didn't drop out because of her, I dropped out because I never went to class and was on academic suspension.  I never wanted to go to college but my parents insisted, so I was being rebellious.

    Lived with her family for 6 months, and was a complete jerk to them as well, because I was not a good person then.  I had met my now-ex-husband during that time and ultimately moved away to marry him.  He had a strong dislike for birth mother because she thought he was controlling and tried to undermine our relationship.

    I didn't invite her to my first wedding because the idea of her being there made my mom and my then-husband uncomfortable.  It obviously was a real blow to that relationship, which was already fragile.

    Over the 10+ years that followed we had infrequent contact, spent a handful of hours together, generally just went on with separate lives.

    In the past couple of years we've sort of reconnected, and as she's a florist she graciously offered to make all of my centerpieces, bouquet, etc for the wedding.  I tried to pay her, but she refused.  They are our wedding gift, which is wonderful and I am so grateful.  I spent 3 days at her house (she lives about 9 hours away) to help her make them and we had a really nice visit.  I didn't tell my mom I was going, because she's already annoyed that birth mother is invited to the wedding at all.  I didn't keep it a secret (I posted a couple of times on FB) but I also didn't really inform her ahead of time.

    Birth mother has no idea that my mom has negative feelings towards her.  I just couldn't open old wounds.  I did my best to reassure my mom that she will always be my mom.  This woman is more like a friend, an aunt at best.  There's no competition.  However, I'm just hopeful that mom can be polite for the day.  I'm sitting birth mother with friends, not family, which I am sure she will understand.  She's attending with her now-husband, whom I really like, so at least she won't be alone.  She won't know anyone there regardless, so I don't think it matters much.

    My mom is also jealous as they are in a bad financial situation and she hasn't been able to contribute to the wedding at all.  I didn't expect or ask for anything, particularly as I have been married before and they paid for that.  However I know it hurts her.  I've taken her to dress fittings, spent the day with her, involved her as much as possible.

    I am just anxious about their interaction on the day.  It's a smaller wedding (55 people) so it's not like there will be a huge crowd.  Fingers crossed.

    Thank you for reading.  If you have any advice, insight, similar experiences I am all ears!  Did you have guests you were afraid would have issues and it went well?  Please tell me it will be ok, heh.


    I definitely don't have a similar experience, but I think it's also fine to give your mom license just not to talk to her - i.e. she does not have to seek her out and greet her.

    Maybe birth mom will come up and say hi in a group that small, and I would hope your mom would respond graciously, but she can also excuse herself quickly - more so if she knows you don't have any expectation of them hanging out, or of your mom hosting birth mom because she doesn't know many other people. I think you're already doing well in not sitting her in a place of honor.

    Anniversary

    SP29short+sassy






  • My parents adopted me when I was 8 days old.  My birth mother turned 18 just 4 days after I was born.  My being adopted was never a secret.  I remember proudly announcing it at Grade 1 "show and share" because I thought it was so cool.

    When I turned 18, I submitted an application to the agency that matches biological children with parents, provided both have registered as wanting to be "found".  As luck would have it, she had registered a few years before (despite the fact that when I was born she had requested complete anonymity, later in life she had a change of heart).

    So, in a crazy whirlwind, we talked on the phone and then she flew to meet me not long after (she worked for an airline, so that was convenient).  To be honest, it was a really bad time in life for me.  I had a drug problem.  When she arrived I was just coming off a 3-day bender and I wasn't making the best choices.

    I took her to meet my mother, unannounced.  My mom was PISSED, because her house was being renovated, and it was shocking for her.  I was an idiot.  It was the worst possible circumstance for their first meeting.

    Fast forward a few months, and I dropped out of college (that my parents were paying for) and moved across the province to live with her and my half-sibling and her then-husband.  I didn't drop out because of her, I dropped out because I never went to class and was on academic suspension.  I never wanted to go to college but my parents insisted, so I was being rebellious.

    Lived with her family for 6 months, and was a complete jerk to them as well, because I was not a good person then.  I had met my now-ex-husband during that time and ultimately moved away to marry him.  He had a strong dislike for birth mother because she thought he was controlling and tried to undermine our relationship.

    I didn't invite her to my first wedding because the idea of her being there made my mom and my then-husband uncomfortable.  It obviously was a real blow to that relationship, which was already fragile.

    Over the 10+ years that followed we had infrequent contact, spent a handful of hours together, generally just went on with separate lives.

    In the past couple of years we've sort of reconnected, and as she's a florist she graciously offered to make all of my centerpieces, bouquet, etc for the wedding.  I tried to pay her, but she refused.  They are our wedding gift, which is wonderful and I am so grateful.  I spent 3 days at her house (she lives about 9 hours away) to help her make them and we had a really nice visit.  I didn't tell my mom I was going, because she's already annoyed that birth mother is invited to the wedding at all.  I didn't keep it a secret (I posted a couple of times on FB) but I also didn't really inform her ahead of time.

    Birth mother has no idea that my mom has negative feelings towards her.  I just couldn't open old wounds.  I did my best to reassure my mom that she will always be my mom.  This woman is more like a friend, an aunt at best.  There's no competition.  However, I'm just hopeful that mom can be polite for the day.  I'm sitting birth mother with friends, not family, which I am sure she will understand.  She's attending with her now-husband, whom I really like, so at least she won't be alone.  She won't know anyone there regardless, so I don't think it matters much.

    My mom is also jealous as they are in a bad financial situation and she hasn't been able to contribute to the wedding at all.  I didn't expect or ask for anything, particularly as I have been married before and they paid for that.  However I know it hurts her.  I've taken her to dress fittings, spent the day with her, involved her as much as possible.

    I am just anxious about their interaction on the day.  It's a smaller wedding (55 people) so it's not like there will be a huge crowd.  Fingers crossed.

    Thank you for reading.  If you have any advice, insight, similar experiences I am all ears!  Did you have guests you were afraid would have issues and it went well?  Please tell me it will be ok, heh.




    I definitely don't have a similar experience, but I think it's also fine to give your mom license just not to talk to her - i.e. she does not have to seek her out and greet her.

    Maybe birth mom will come up and say hi in a group that small, and I would hope your mom would respond graciously, but she can also excuse herself quickly - more so if she knows you don't have any expectation of them hanging out, or of your mom hosting birth mom because she doesn't know many other people. I think you're already doing well in not sitting her in a place of honor.



    Thank you. That's a good suggestion. I don't really want to say to Birth Mother "Hey maybe don't talk to my mom" but I'm afraid she might go try to strike up a convo. She's not always the most tactful... I guess mom could excuse herself. I know she will be gracious (at least I hope so) but I also don't want her to be irritated all day either.  Some of my aunts (moms sisters) will be there, so they will probably help (emotional support, that sort of thing). 

    Anyway I appreciate the feedback :smile:


  • Firstly, good for you for getting sober and recognising behaviours that you are not happy about. I always have such respect for people who really own their past behaviour that they are not proud of and work to fix it. Your post was really honest, and I really respect that.

    Do you think it would be possible for you to maybe go to a therapy session with your mum? I think sometimes therapy sessions can be a good time for a 'guided apology' that can ease a lot of resentment.  If you frame it more as: 'Mum, I'm not happy with who I was and how I  treated you 10 years ago, and that led me to make some not so great decisions that you very much had to bear the brunt of, including dropping out of uni, how biomum came into your life, etc etc. I must have hurt you and I would like to talk about how that may be affecting our relationship now'

    So it is almost like you are owning part of the reason why your mum dislikes biomum, but you are also separating a lot of the root causes of your mum's dislike and resentment. It seems like a lot of the challenges you faced were just after you met your bio mum, and your mum might see her as the source of these issues/painful time in her life.

    Sometimes the best way to prevent an awkward situation is to full on admit that it is going to be awkward and talking about it beforehand. You could also say to your mum: 'I know Biomum is not your favourite person, but I do look at her like a friend, rather than a mum. You are my one and only mum. As one of the most important people in my life, how can I make the situation easier for you as I want you just to enjoy the wedding as the Mother of the Bride?'
     


    Thank you Lisa!

    My mom doesn't really believe in therapy (she's more the old-school "don't talk about it and pretend it isn't happening" sort I guess) BUT you've given me lots of great ideas for how to just approach it myself. We have a better relationship now, though she does tend to hold onto things forever. Like she wouldn't accept FI for literally YEARS because one time I embarrassed her in front of him. He and I had just started seeing each other, and she tends to continue nursing slights instead of getting past them.

    But I digress. 

    I definitely should approach her about Birth Mother and stop avoiding it.  So thank you for the suggestions, I really like that approach. It seems obvious now that you've mentioned it, I think I've just been subconsciously avoiding a potentially uncomfortable conversation is all. 
    SP29short+sassyknottief16b91b9887217a6
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member






    Firstly, good for you for getting sober and recognising behaviours that you are not happy about. I always have such respect for people who really own their past behaviour that they are not proud of and work to fix it. Your post was really honest, and I really respect that.

    Do you think it would be possible for you to maybe go to a therapy session with your mum? I think sometimes therapy sessions can be a good time for a 'guided apology' that can ease a lot of resentment.  If you frame it more as: 'Mum, I'm not happy with who I was and how I  treated you 10 years ago, and that led me to make some not so great decisions that you very much had to bear the brunt of, including dropping out of uni, how biomum came into your life, etc etc. I must have hurt you and I would like to talk about how that may be affecting our relationship now'

    So it is almost like you are owning part of the reason why your mum dislikes biomum, but you are also separating a lot of the root causes of your mum's dislike and resentment. It seems like a lot of the challenges you faced were just after you met your bio mum, and your mum might see her as the source of these issues/painful time in her life.

    Sometimes the best way to prevent an awkward situation is to full on admit that it is going to be awkward and talking about it beforehand. You could also say to your mum: 'I know Biomum is not your favourite person, but I do look at her like a friend, rather than a mum. You are my one and only mum. As one of the most important people in my life, how can I make the situation easier for you as I want you just to enjoy the wedding as the Mother of the Bride?'
     




    Thank you Lisa!

    My mom doesn't really believe in therapy (she's more the old-school "don't talk about it and pretend it isn't happening" sort I guess) BUT you've given me lots of great ideas for how to just approach it myself. We have a better relationship now, though she does tend to hold onto things forever. Like she wouldn't accept FI for literally YEARS because one time I embarrassed her in front of him. He and I had just started seeing each other, and she tends to continue nursing slights instead of getting past them.

    But I digress. 

    I definitely should approach her about Birth Mother and stop avoiding it.  So thank you for the suggestions, I really like that approach. It seems obvious now that you've mentioned it, I think I've just been subconsciously avoiding a potentially uncomfortable conversation is all. 


    My Mum can be a bit similar- for example, deep down she has very low self-esteem but because of that can be incredibly defensive and hostile if she feels that she is being attacked, even if no one is. 

    Sometimes just having you validate her several times before the day is a really good preemptive strike. So on the day if she starts to get anxious, she can talk herself off the ledge by saying 'I am kwiksilver's only mum, she has told me as much, so there is no need to get defensive'
    kwiksilver
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    One word - honestly.  Be honest your Birth Mom is going to be there and that they're both on equal footing in being invited and it's non-negotiable as a subject.  Expect them both to be adults and if that can't happen, it's on them, not you.  There are other ways to be involved in a wedding without the financial - moral support being a good one (she's still entitled to her opinions on subjects).  Letting go and being at peace with both are invited and it's o.k. to not project onto them your fear and create the drama by the energy you're sending out.  It's now a different time and point in your life, it's o.k. to go to a couple meetings (have a friend 30+ years Clean & Sober who still goes) for your self.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    kwiksilverCMGragain
  • Last night I called up mom to see how grandparents move was going. We chatted a bit and then she decided to bring up Birth mother.  I wasn't going to broach it until I saw her in person but she was adamant about discussing it. 

    Her: "Is birth mother coming to the wedding?" (I'm certain I'd already told her this)
    Me: "Yes she is"
    Her: "Well that's just another reason I'm not going"
    Me: *Stunned silence* (Are you seriously not coming to my wedding, and there's more than one reason, which you've not mentioned ?!?!?)

    I asked her why she said that and she just sort of had a meltdown and referred to herself as a bitch several times (and my mom is NOT a user of curse words). I was upset, it just escalated. I told her she is the only mother I will ever have, I've involved her, she's important, etc. but she's so hideously jealous of basically everyone.  She's embarrassed that they are in a bad financial spot (bad investments and the oil patch died, etc). She can't really do much for the wedding (totally fine by me, we've got it covered) but resents anyone who does. It was just ugly. I got off the phone and sobbed uncontrollably for an hour (and I'm not a crier). FI called and talked me down. 

    She texted this morning and apologized. I apologized back. Reassured her she doesn't have to speak to or spend time with anyone at the wedding that she doesn't want to. I'm seeing her tomorrow at my grandparents and I'm just hoping it goes well. I'm going to give my siblings a heads up about the birth mother situation and just ask them to be available to give mom an easy escape (I'm the only adopted child, my three younger siblings are bio children of my mom and step dad, who I just refer to as dad).  They are all coming solo for the wedding, and since they live far away I know they will want to monopolize mom and dad anyway, since they only visit once or twice a year.  I'm just hoping that's enough.

    Birth Mother is also only coming out for the day of the wedding. Mom and dad will be there camping the day before and the day after, so I'm going to pay lots of attention to her and do my best to make sure she knows she's special and important.

    19 days to the wedding and then it will all be behind me. 
  • So sorry this is happening @kwiksilver, that really sucks. Sounds like your mom has a lot going on or stuff she hasn't dealt with emotionally and it's unfair for that all to come out at you. Definitely do what you need to, but don't feel like you need to do extra attention for her, it sounds like this is all her stuff, not anything you're doing. 
    kwiksilverSP29knottief16b91b9887217a6


  • So sorry this is happening @kwiksilver, that really sucks. Sounds like your mom has a lot going on or stuff she hasn't dealt with emotionally and it's unfair for that all to come out at you. Definitely do what you need to, but don't feel like you need to do extra attention for her, it sounds like this is all her stuff, not anything you're doing. 


    Thank you Charlotte. I definitely realize she's the one who has to deal with her feelings and it's not really on me to handle it. I just know her, so its easier to coddle her somewhat than deal with her passive aggressiveness at the wedding. She's a grudge holder like no other, and no amount of talking it through seems to help. So I will just do my best. I know she will get super excited to see the rest of her kids (they haven't been out since Christmas) so I'm banking on that as well. Plus I know the day will fly by so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can and have faith that the adults can all be adults for a few hours. 
    charlotte989875
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited June 4




    Last night I called up mom to see how grandparents move was going. We chatted a bit and then she decided to bring up Birth mother.  I wasn't going to broach it until I saw her in person but she was adamant about discussing it. 

    Her: "Is birth mother coming to the wedding?" (I'm certain I'd already told her this)
    Me: "Yes she is"
    Her: "Well that's just another reason I'm not going"
    Me: *Stunned silence* (Are you seriously not coming to my wedding, and there's more than one reason, which you've not mentioned ?!?!?)

    I asked her why she said that and she just sort of had a meltdown and referred to herself as a bitch several times (and my mom is NOT a user of curse words). I was upset, it just escalated. I told her she is the only mother I will ever have, I've involved her, she's important, etc. but she's so hideously jealous of basically everyone.  She's embarrassed that they are in a bad financial spot (bad investments and the oil patch died, etc). She can't really do much for the wedding (totally fine by me, we've got it covered) but resents anyone who does. It was just ugly. I got off the phone and sobbed uncontrollably for an hour (and I'm not a crier). FI called and talked me down. 

    She texted this morning and apologized. I apologized back. Reassured her she doesn't have to speak to or spend time with anyone at the wedding that she doesn't want to. I'm seeing her tomorrow at my grandparents and I'm just hoping it goes well. I'm going to give my siblings a heads up about the birth mother situation and just ask them to be available to give mom an easy escape (I'm the only adopted child, my three younger siblings are bio children of my mom and step dad, who I just refer to as dad).  They are all coming solo for the wedding, and since they live far away I know they will want to monopolize mom and dad anyway, since they only visit once or twice a year.  I'm just hoping that's enough.

    Birth Mother is also only coming out for the day of the wedding. Mom and dad will be there camping the day before and the day after, so I'm going to pay lots of attention to her and do my best to make sure she knows she's special and important.

    19 days to the wedding and then it will all be behind me. 




    OK, this is not about you.  This is about your Mom.  She needs therapy.  Please try to persuade her how helpful it can be.  She needs this.  Maybe your siblings can help you with this.
    There are great medications for depression, and quite possibly this might help your Mom, too, but they must be prescribed by a doctor.  Do you have any relationship with your Mom's physician?  He/she could be most helpful!  Is religion a possible source of comfort for her?  Pastors are often trained as counselors, too.
    I really hope your Mom gets help soon.  She is carrying a very heavy guilt burden that she needs to solve. 
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassy

  • CMGragain said:







    Last night I called up mom to see how grandparents move was going. We chatted a bit and then she decided to bring up Birth mother.  I wasn't going to broach it until I saw her in person but she was adamant about discussing it. 

    Her: "Is birth mother coming to the wedding?" (I'm certain I'd already told her this)
    Me: "Yes she is"
    Her: "Well that's just another reason I'm not going"
    Me: *Stunned silence* (Are you seriously not coming to my wedding, and there's more than one reason, which you've not mentioned ?!?!?)

    I asked her why she said that and she just sort of had a meltdown and referred to herself as a bitch several times (and my mom is NOT a user of curse words). I was upset, it just escalated. I told her she is the only mother I will ever have, I've involved her, she's important, etc. but she's so hideously jealous of basically everyone.  She's embarrassed that they are in a bad financial spot (bad investments and the oil patch died, etc). She can't really do much for the wedding (totally fine by me, we've got it covered) but resents anyone who does. It was just ugly. I got off the phone and sobbed uncontrollably for an hour (and I'm not a crier). FI called and talked me down. 

    She texted this morning and apologized. I apologized back. Reassured her she doesn't have to speak to or spend time with anyone at the wedding that she doesn't want to. I'm seeing her tomorrow at my grandparents and I'm just hoping it goes well. I'm going to give my siblings a heads up about the birth mother situation and just ask them to be available to give mom an easy escape (I'm the only adopted child, my three younger siblings are bio children of my mom and step dad, who I just refer to as dad).  They are all coming solo for the wedding, and since they live far away I know they will want to monopolize mom and dad anyway, since they only visit once or twice a year.  I'm just hoping that's enough.

    Birth Mother is also only coming out for the day of the wedding. Mom and dad will be there camping the day before and the day after, so I'm going to pay lots of attention to her and do my best to make sure she knows she's special and important.

    19 days to the wedding and then it will all be behind me. 






    OK, this is not about you.  This is about your Mom.  She needs therapy.  Please try to persuade her how helpful it can be.  She needs this.  Maybe your siblings can help you with this.
    There are great medications for depression, and quite possibly this might help your Mom, too, but they must be prescribed by a doctor.  Do you have any relationship with your Mom's physician?  He/she could be most helpful!  Is religion a possible source of comfort for her?  Pastors are often trained as counselors, too.
    I really hope your Mom gets help soon.  She is carrying a very heavy guilt burden that she needs to solve. 


    Thank you CMG. My mother is adamantly opposed to therapy. Even moreso to medication (she judged me harshly for taking anti-depressants after my first baby, when I developed PPD). She's Catholic but would never dream of confiding in her priest. 

    We all know she would benefit from some kind of professional assistance. Truthfully my step-dad should be sainted for what he goes through with her. She won't be budged easily. 

    I do appreciate all of the reassurance that this isn't something I have done wrong. It can start to feel like I've made a terrible mistake somewhere to draw such anger from her. The words of objective strangers are comforting 
    SP29
  • @kwiksilver, PPs have given good advice and I just want to send out virtual hugs and good wishes.

    I think and hope everything will go well for you.  From what you've said, it sounds like your mom will at least be polite to bio-mom.  I can only imagine how devastating it was when your mom told you she wasn't coming, but it sounds like that's been worked out.

    I'm sure she wants to see your wedding and visit with you and her other children.  But obviously has some of her own demons she is battling and that is where the comment originally came from.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    kwiksilver
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member




    CMGragain said:










    Last night I called up mom to see how grandparents move was going. We chatted a bit and then she decided to bring up Birth mother.  I wasn't going to broach it until I saw her in person but she was adamant about discussing it. 

    Her: "Is birth mother coming to the wedding?" (I'm certain I'd already told her this)
    Me: "Yes she is"
    Her: "Well that's just another reason I'm not going"
    Me: *Stunned silence* (Are you seriously not coming to my wedding, and there's more than one reason, which you've not mentioned ?!?!?)

    I asked her why she said that and she just sort of had a meltdown and referred to herself as a bitch several times (and my mom is NOT a user of curse words). I was upset, it just escalated. I told her she is the only mother I will ever have, I've involved her, she's important, etc. but she's so hideously jealous of basically everyone.  She's embarrassed that they are in a bad financial spot (bad investments and the oil patch died, etc). She can't really do much for the wedding (totally fine by me, we've got it covered) but resents anyone who does. It was just ugly. I got off the phone and sobbed uncontrollably for an hour (and I'm not a crier). FI called and talked me down. 

    She texted this morning and apologized. I apologized back. Reassured her she doesn't have to speak to or spend time with anyone at the wedding that she doesn't want to. I'm seeing her tomorrow at my grandparents and I'm just hoping it goes well. I'm going to give my siblings a heads up about the birth mother situation and just ask them to be available to give mom an easy escape (I'm the only adopted child, my three younger siblings are bio children of my mom and step dad, who I just refer to as dad).  They are all coming solo for the wedding, and since they live far away I know they will want to monopolize mom and dad anyway, since they only visit once or twice a year.  I'm just hoping that's enough.

    Birth Mother is also only coming out for the day of the wedding. Mom and dad will be there camping the day before and the day after, so I'm going to pay lots of attention to her and do my best to make sure she knows she's special and important.

    19 days to the wedding and then it will all be behind me. 








    OK, this is not about you.  This is about your Mom.  She needs therapy.  Please try to persuade her how helpful it can be.  She needs this.  Maybe your siblings can help you with this.
    There are great medications for depression, and quite possibly this might help your Mom, too, but they must be prescribed by a doctor.  Do you have any relationship with your Mom's physician?  He/she could be most helpful!  Is religion a possible source of comfort for her?  Pastors are often trained as counselors, too.
    I really hope your Mom gets help soon.  She is carrying a very heavy guilt burden that she needs to solve. 




    Thank you CMG. My mother is adamantly opposed to therapy. Even moreso to medication (she judged me harshly for taking anti-depressants after my first baby, when I developed PPD). She's Catholic but would never dream of confiding in her priest. 

    We all know she would benefit from some kind of professional assistance. Truthfully my step-dad should be sainted for what he goes through with her. She won't be budged easily. 

    I do appreciate all of the reassurance that this isn't something I have done wrong. It can start to feel like I've made a terrible mistake somewhere to draw such anger from her. The words of objective strangers are comforting 


    Maybe you could talk to her priest and tell him your concerns about your Mom?  He may be able to help.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Odd as it sounds - I'm really glad you had the conversation.  You are also recognizing this is her behavior which isn't on you.  Now would be a great time to have a cupcake and tall glass of milk because the worst of that drama has happened because now you can release it.  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    kwiksilvercharlotte989875
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards