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Etiquette

Our wedding date is accidentally FSIL's anniversary

I found out after our date was selected and deposits paid that our wedding date is my FSIL's anniversary. My future husband and his sister are not close and I have never actually met her as she lives out of state. I was speaking with his mother and she told me that his sister is very upset that we are having OUR wedding on HER anniversary.  I had no idea it was her anniversary when I set the date. My future husband did attend her wedding but the date did not ring a bell to him in the planning as it was several years ago.  Any advice for approaching this situation? 
Thank you!
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Re: Our wedding date is accidentally FSIL's anniversary

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    You did nothing wrong. If she gets upset about this, she is being ridiculous. Londonlisa's suggestions were good. 


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    PrettyGirlLostMairePoppy
  • Thank you. I appreciate your advice!
     We discussed the month we were planning on before picking a date with his parents and they said anytime was fine. 

  • Yeah, she's being ridiculous.  It's not like you planned your wedding for the same day or even week as her wedding, which would be the only real reason she could be upset (if family had to choose between attending the two, basically).  She is already married, YEARS ago, so your wedding literally has no impact on her life other than her attending it with her husband.  If she wants to be dramatic about it, that's on her, and makes her look childish.  Personally, I think it would be fun to attend a wedding on my anniversary--fun date with H, dinner and dancing, etc!  Plus, I'd be stoked that my sibling had found the love of their life.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • I'd be a little miffed if my sister had planned her wedding for my anniversary. Not enough to make it a big scene but I'd be annoyed because I'd rather make my own plans that day.  I'd also suck it up. 
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7holyguacamole79
  • Y'all, my dad got married on the same month/day TWICE.  I'm not sure if spouse #3 knew that dad and ex-spouse #2 had the same anniversary but that's their deal.  DH and I share a "wedding month" with two of his siblings and their spouses.

    I don't think it's a huge deal.  I grew up in a place with a limited number of spots to get married but where there are a lot of big families.  Chances were pretty good that if you got married in wedding season, you and someone else in your family shared a wedding date or had anniversaries close together.  Get them a card, play their first dance song, maybe give them a little shout out.  

    But, honestly, I wonder if FSIL would be so miffed if she knew her parents didn't warn you against her anniversary.
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    Anniversary


    sparklepants41SP29
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I really don't understand being upset about something like this. If we had to attend a wedding on our anniversary (especially a relative's or sibling's), I'd have no problem at all. What's not fun about putting on some nice clothes and attending a wedding? Celebrate your anniversary on another night. It doesn't somehow negate your anniversary from happening. Jeez. 

    OP, your FSIL is being a jerk and she needs to get over it. 

    SP29PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If your in-laws didn't realize a day during the month was her anniversary and neither did your fiance, then I think it's up to them to smooth things over with her. If it comes back on you, you say you're sorry you were not aware of the date but it cannot be changed now. 

    My sister freaked out when we nearly chose the same weekend as her 5 year anniversary. They wanted to do something for themselves, not go through the trouble of traveling and whatnot for my wedding. While most of the time people do say, "You get one day," and that anniversaries can be celebrated any time, the fact is some people are indeed sensitive about that stuff. In my family, it wasn't worth the fight, so we chose another weekend. But for you, now that deposits are paid, there's nothing you can do. It's your fiance's sister so he needs to deal with her. 


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    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • Your FSIL needs to get over it but let your FI handle it.  

    There is NO reason to lose money over this.  
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueens
  • In an ideal world, where adults acted like actual adults, his sister would have never complained at all. And even if she did, his mom would have said to her "really? you're being ridiculous. no, no I will not say anything to them. stop it right now."

    I mean, you aren't going to change your date at this point. His sister (and his mom, honestly) are acting like children. You have no explaining to do. No bargaining. No "to do's". You don't owe them anything. 

    What should YOU do...? Nothing. "I'm sorry she feels that way. Can you believe how hot it's been?" 
    *********************************************************************************

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    charlotte989875SP29PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • Thanks everyone for your helpful advice. 
    The whole situation is just weird. My fiance and his sister don't have much of a relationship to begin with. He states for years he tried to reach out and keep in touch with her but she doesn't return his calls. Due to this I have never met her (we were visiting some of my family members near where they live a year ago and he called to meet up and she never called back.) His parents and other extended family members also complain about her never returning their calls so it's not just my fiance.
    Long story short...there is an issue there that runs deeper than my wedding date and I'm not going to be able to fix it.
    It just sucks. I always imagined I could forge a friendly relationship with her and they would reconnect but I don't think that's happening. 

    Her husband recently friended me on facebook (she has not, I suspect he thinks this whole thing is as awkward as I do.) Do y'all think it is worthwhile to send him a note stating I hope they can come and asking about the first dance so I can see if my band knows it? 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    Thanks everyone for your helpful advice. 
    The whole situation is just weird. My fiance and his sister don't have much of a relationship to begin with. He states for years he tried to reach out and keep in touch with her but she doesn't return his calls. Due to this I have never met her (we were visiting some of my family members near where they live a year ago and he called to meet up and she never called back.) His parents and other extended family members also complain about her never returning their calls so it's not just my fiance.
    Long story short...there is an issue there that runs deeper than my wedding date and I'm not going to be able to fix it.
    It just sucks. I always imagined I could forge a friendly relationship with her and they would reconnect but I don't think that's happening. 

    Her husband recently friended me on facebook (she has not, I suspect he thinks this whole thing is as awkward as I do.) Do y'all think it is worthwhile to send him a note stating I hope they can come and asking about the first dance so I can see if my band knows it? 


    That's very sweet but I wouldn't.  With people this irrational no good deed goes unpunished.

    I'd just stay 100% out of this drama that your FSIL is creating entirely on her own.  Don't get involved in it.  I wouldn't even let your FI get involved in it.  I would totally ignore her histrionics- let them stay between her and her parents, who are foolish enough to play audience to her.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensMobKazSP29
  • I'm in the "I wouldn't be too thrilled to have someone else schedule out our anniversary one time (provided this isn't like the 25th Anniversary then there'd be an argument), but if that's the biggest problem we ever face, life's not that bad!"  My Brother's Birthday was the same day as my Brother/SIL's wedding.  Between the ceremony and reception we stopped at my parent's place for cake.  NBD!!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    charlotte989875
  • My wedding day is the same day as SIL's birthday.   She wasn't even in the picture at the time we booked our wedding but now we like having 2 occasions to celebrate. 


  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    My exSIL got married on my birthday. I had been dating her brother for 3 years when they got married and I wasn't invited, but that's a horse of a different color. Every year after, we'd celebrate my birthday either on the day or close to and she usually wouldn't be there. She kind of acted like I was wrong for having a birthday. It's really not that big of a deal and your FSIL needs to simmer down.
    short+sassySP29
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers


    I just cannot believe that grown adults would get their knickers in a twist because they cannot celebrate something on the exact day. Anniversaries, birthdays etc must fall on a weeknight 5/7ths of the time. Have these people never heard of celebrating the weekend before or after? I am a complete sentimental softie, but I am also not throwing my toys out of the pram because something isn't celebrated on the exact day. 

    I just don't get the entitlement of needing the world to stop so you can celebrate something that happens every year. 


    Yes. SO and I rarely celebrate our anniversary on the actual day...or even the  actual week. Usually it works out for us to celebrate a little early or late depending on which long holiday weekend we want to take. No biggie. It doesn't make the anniversary any less legitimate. I always wonder how people like this function with other real life disappointments.


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    PrettyGirlLost
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2017




    I disagree with the "how do people who get upset about this stuff function" or "how do they deal with actual disappointments" and given that a few people on here said they'd be annoyed (but not actually act on those feelings) would suggest it's not totally unheard of. The sister is entitled to feel however she wants about it. Making a big deal/talking to the FMIL/suggestion she want come/whatever is too much, but let's not judge someone's feelings. 




    You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act.

    You can feel upset. But if your action is anything but having a word with yourself because you are an adult and don't own that day in perpetuity, you are being ridiculous.

    ETA: but I do think it is a genuine question. If you work full time, you have to go to work at least 71% of the time on an anniversary or birthdays. Unless you regularly book the day off, how do people who get upset at this kind of thing deal? It just seems miserable and exhausting. 

     
    PrettyGirlLost






  • I disagree with the "how do people who get upset about this stuff function" or "how do they deal with actual disappointments" and given that a few people on here said they'd be annoyed (but not actually act on those feelings) would suggest it's not totally unheard of. The sister is entitled to feel however she wants about it. Making a big deal/talking to the FMIL/suggestion she want come/whatever is too much, but let's not judge someone's feelings. 




    You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act.

    You can feel upset. But if your action is anything but having a word with yourself because you are an adult and don't own that day in perpetuity, you are being ridiculous.

     


    Exactly. I completely agree. I'm saying it's fine to criticize her actions (contacting the FMIL and complaining about it, or really doing anything about those feelings) but I disagree with criticizing her feelings. Saying people are ridiculous/can't handle actual disappointments because of how they feel isn't cool in my book. 
    southernbelle0915cupcait927








  • I disagree with the "how do people who get upset about this stuff function" or "how do they deal with actual disappointments" and given that a few people on here said they'd be annoyed (but not actually act on those feelings) would suggest it's not totally unheard of. The sister is entitled to feel however she wants about it. Making a big deal/talking to the FMIL/suggestion she want come/whatever is too much, but let's not judge someone's feelings. 





    ETA: but I do think it is a genuine question. If you work full time, you have to go to work at least 71% of the time on an anniversary or birthdays. Unless you regularly book the day off, how do people who get upset at this kind of thing deal? It just seems miserable and exhausting. 

     


    To the ETA: I was one who said I'd be annoyed if someone close to me (like my sister) planned her wedding for our anniversary. H and I live apart from all our friends and family. We have to travel to every wedding, event, party, etc. and we're not made of money. So we'd have to plan and pay for a trip on our anniversary somewhere we didn't choose. We wouldn't complain about it or do anything about it but I'd be a little annoyed. Not upset. Not very upset like the OP's FSIL, but a little annoyed. We would also get over it quickly.

    Theres a a difference between being a little annoyed and being so upset and suggesting no one can ever hold an event on a day in perpetuity. I think some of the rhetoric used here is a little hyperbolic. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers














    I disagree with the "how do people who get upset about this stuff function" or "how do they deal with actual disappointments" and given that a few people on here said they'd be annoyed (but not actually act on those feelings) would suggest it's not totally unheard of. The sister is entitled to feel however she wants about it. Making a big deal/talking to the FMIL/suggestion she want come/whatever is too much, but let's not judge someone's feelings. 






    ETA: but I do think it is a genuine question. If you work full time, you have to go to work at least 71% of the time on an anniversary or birthdays. Unless you regularly book the day off, how do people who get upset at this kind of thing deal? It just seems miserable and exhausting. 

     




    To the ETA: I was one who said I'd be annoyed if someone close to me (like my sister) planned her wedding for our anniversary. H and I live apart from all our friends and family. We have to travel to every wedding, event, party, etc. and we're not made of money. So we'd have to plan and pay for a trip on our anniversary somewhere we didn't choose. We wouldn't complain about it or do anything about it but I'd be a little annoyed. Not upset. Not very upset like the OP's FSIL, but a little annoyed. We would also get over it quickly.

    Theres a a difference between being a little annoyed and being so upset and suggesting no one can ever hold an event on a day in perpetuity. I think some of the rhetoric used here is a little hyperbolic. 


    But if your sister threw her wedding the weekend before or after your anniversary, you would have the same issue. How much space before or after your anniversary is enough for you to not be annoyed?
    PrettyGirlLost
  • edited June 2017






























    I disagree with the "how do people who get upset about this stuff function" or "how do they deal with actual disappointments" and given that a few people on here said they'd be annoyed (but not actually act on those feelings) would suggest it's not totally unheard of. The sister is entitled to feel however she wants about it. Making a big deal/talking to the FMIL/suggestion she want come/whatever is too much, but let's not judge someone's feelings. 








    ETA: but I do think it is a genuine question. If you work full time, you have to go to work at least 71% of the time on an anniversary or birthdays. Unless you regularly book the day off, how do people who get upset at this kind of thing deal? It just seems miserable and exhausting. 

     








    To the ETA: I was one who said I'd be annoyed if someone close to me (like my sister) planned her wedding for our anniversary. H and I live apart from all our friends and family. We have to travel to every wedding, event, party, etc. and we're not made of money. So we'd have to plan and pay for a trip on our anniversary somewhere we didn't choose. We wouldn't complain about it or do anything about it but I'd be a little annoyed. Not upset. Not very upset like the OP's FSIL, but a little annoyed. We would also get over it quickly.

    Theres a a difference between being a little annoyed and being so upset and suggesting no one can ever hold an event on a day in perpetuity. I think some of the rhetoric used here is a little hyperbolic. 






    But if your sister threw her wedding the weekend before or after your anniversary, you would have the same issue. How much space before or after your anniversary is enough for you to not be annoyed?




    Again, I think this is a little ridiculous, I (nor anyone else) suggested I needed time or space around my anniversary not to be annoyed. It wouldn't bother me if it was the weekend before or after. I would be slightly annoyed if she picked the same day and that day was on a weekend. In those narrow set of circumstances I'd be slightly bothered. I wouldn't say anything, I wouldn't do anything.  She could choose what was right for her and her FI, just like we did (this is all hypothetical my sister was married 1.5 years ago). All I'm saying is I don't think it's totally ridiculous (like it's been suggested) to have feelings about someone close to you planning a wedding on your anniversary.  I agree it is ridiculous to act like a child and talk/complain about it, demand they change the date, or refuse to go, or anything else equally out of line. 

    Again, difference between feelings and actions. People are entitled to whatever feelings they have. Many posters here are equating being annoyed about something to being unable to function in normal society or acting entitled to have no one they know schedule anything ever on that date, and I think that's a pretty big leap to make. 

    ETF words. 
    Jen4948SP29cupcait927
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    MobKaz said:

    I don't get it at all. 

    There are many "significant' dates on which I have had to work or participate in things other than the celebration of the event that occurred on that date. Whose birthday doesn't fall on a work day?  Mother's Day fell on my son's college graduation day.  I celebrate the occasion, not the date itself. 

    OP, make no apologies nor any changes. 


    Ditto. I don't understand the fuss over a date. You keep your date, you have done nothing wrong and don't even address it with your FSIL, unless she brings it up. If you want, you could dedicate a dance for them at your reception.

    My h and I have been married for decades. We rarely celebrate our anniversary on the actual date. We go out to dinner the weekend before or after, depending on what else is going on. My parents, my ILs, my daughter's ILs all have anniversaries within the same two weeks. Plus there are a few birthdays sprinkled in there. 
                
    PrettyGirlLostLondonLisaHeffalump
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