Destination Weddings

PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

2

Re: PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

  • Awww thank you all for being so caring & supportive! My sister called me this morning to apologize, which was nice of her. She said she didn't mean for it to get out, but one of their friends posted some pics on Facebook so they figured what the heck let's make it public which....still doesn't seem great to me? She also said she didn't consider the legal part a huge deal, and I wasn't about to get into that at 7:30 in the morning. So I'm slightly less salty, but still not totally jazzed about going. Ugh.
    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited June 14




    Awww thank you all for being so caring & supportive! My sister called me this morning to apologize, which was nice of her. She said she didn't mean for it to get out, but one of their friends posted some pics on Facebook so they figured what the heck let's make it public which....still doesn't seem great to me? She also said she didn't consider the legal part a huge deal, and I wasn't about to get into that at 7:30 in the morning. So I'm slightly less salty, but still not totally jazzed about going. Ugh.




    OMG!  You two were raised by the same parents?  I seriously think you should call your sister back and explain the facts of life to her.  Explain how her actions have hurt people.  She needs to know, and perhaps she will listen to someone who cares about her.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensSP29

  • CMGragain said:







    Awww thank you all for being so caring & supportive! My sister called me this morning to apologize, which was nice of her. She said she didn't mean for it to get out, but one of their friends posted some pics on Facebook so they figured what the heck let's make it public which....still doesn't seem great to me? She also said she didn't consider the legal part a huge deal, and I wasn't about to get into that at 7:30 in the morning. So I'm slightly less salty, but still not totally jazzed about going. Ugh.






    OMG!  You two were raised by the same parents?  I seriously think you should call your sister back and explain the facts of life to her.  Explain how her actions have hurt people.  She needs to know, and perhaps she will listen to someone who cares about her.


    This literally made me snort out loud. The three of us are sometimes SO similar and them sometimes....it's like different planets!
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875CMGragain
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    member

    MobKaz said:



    banana468 said:


    It honestly doesn't sound like your sister is sorry for what she did.   She's sorry she got caught.   Those two are not the same thing at all.   

    Honestly, some time before her wedding when you've had a chance to process it I'd start the conversation again.  Let her know that while SHE may not consider the legal part a big deal, you do.   You know that her friends knew that she was able to change her legal status as married before you.    People that you don't know in the town hall were aware of what she was doing before you.    And instead of participating in her legal joining to her wife in Mexico, you aren't going to get to see it.

    None of what you say is going to allow for time to be reversed, but if you're harboring the  anger (and none of the things you said would make my anger go away) then I'd try to be as calm as possible while I explained my emotional reaction.  




    "She said she didn't mean for it to get out" is worse.  It means she was aware of her shady shenanigans, and intended to lie to FAMILY.  Deliberately.  Knowingly.  I have zero time for that from anyone.


    Yeah, I would be writing a "Dear Sister, Fuck You" letter.
    ahoyweddingshort+sassy
  • Sorry you're going through this Ahoy.  @MobKaz nailed it all on the head.  Not being invited to her wedding while her friends were would bother me most of all.  The whole thing just sucks.  Lurkers, be aware! 
    ahoywedding
  • coop4321coop4321
    First Comment
    member
    Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. 
    We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. 
    Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. 
    Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?
  • edited July 27
    Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. 
    We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. 
    Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. 
    Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?

    If I found out my sibling was planning a destination wedding that was actually just a dress up party because they got married in secret first and put their vision before anything else, I'd be extremely hurt and try and talk them out of it and consider not going. If I found out after the fact that the wedding I spent thousands of dollars to attend was a sham, it would permanently damage my relationship with my sibling.  I work hard for my money and get very little vacation time. If someone close to me invited me to their destination wedding, I'd do everything in my power to go. But to dictate how I spend my finite money and vacation time and then lie right in my face, that's unforgivable. 

    If you want to get married somewhere beautiful or on a beach, there are plenty of options that don't involve blatantly lying to your nearest and dearest. I will never understand why so many brides choose to have dress up pretend parties in Mexico, it's so easy to actually get married when you say you're getting married, but not in Mexico. 

    Really, why Mexico? Why does it have to be a place where it's difficult if not impossible to actually get legally married there? Why not literally anywhere else? 

    If you want to get married at home and then have a pretend ceremony in Mexico, why not just "elope"? You'll risk hurting a lot of people. And am I reading this right, you're saying the alternative to getting married prior to going to Mexico is not getting married at all? That would be equally as hurtful and you are risking a whole lot if you go forward with this. It may not be  immediate, but when (not if) it gets out that you didn't actually get married at your "wedding" there's going to be a lot of hurt feelings and probably a broken relationship or two. 

    Of course your travel agent is going to say do it at home first, they make money off of your sham party. Honestly, with how difficult it is to get married in Mexico I'd assume any DW in Mexico is a PPD and I'd consider declining just because of that. It's just disrespectful. You read this thread, you know how people feel and you know the kinds of answers you're going to get, so I'm not really sure what you plan to get out of this. 
    DrillSergeantCatOurWildKingdomSP29short+sassy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    @Knottie6a04f09f7eaa0019, if I found out the wedding my sister was planning wasn't going to be real, I would tell her that I wouldn't be going - I hope it's a lovely day, but I don't need to spend money on something fake - and that I wouldn't lie to anyone else if they wondered why I wasn't going. Ball would then be in her court.

    Just spend the extra three days and get the blood test and get legally married there, if you have too much money invested in Mexico already. That's the only respectful thing to do for your family and friends.

    Right now you will not actually be a bride having a destination wedding in Mexico. You will be a married or engaged woman putting on a show and having a party, and that's not enough to ask people to travel for - which is why you, your travel agent, and everyone else here knows that if people find out, shit will hit the fan. People do not like to be deceived, especially when it puts them out valuable vacation time and money. You know this. And people will find out. So fix it.

    Anniversary

    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. 
    We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. 
    Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. 
    Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?
    Of course there are legal hoops.  There are legal hoops to marry in one's own country.  Why would anyone think it would/should be any easier to marry out of the country?

    The bottom line is that no one NEEDS to marry outside the country.  DW's are a CHOICE.  Own the choice. 

    I would be forever and a day hella mad if I spent time and money thinking I was bearing witness to a marriage that in reality was a facade.  Not only would I feel ripped off financially, I would have zero respect for someone that thought so little of my feelings.  It goes beyond mere offending.  It is a willful, deceitful act of betrayal.

    You do understand that there is NO ACTUAL ceremony on the beach if you get married before or after it, right? 
    DrillSergeantCatOurWildKingdomSP29short+sassy
  • edited July 27
    You and your FI are citizens of the US, no? And plan to reside in the US, right? Assuming those are true, of corse there are legal hoops to jump through. Mexico is a different country, with different laws. A marriage license is a legal document in the US that gives people certain privileges and responsibilities. When people immigrate to the US they have to provide documentation, translation of their marriage license to have it certified or "count" (it's early there's probably a better word for this) in the US; why would you be any different?

    Every post on here about the legal issues surrounding DWs baffles me. Why is it so hard to get married in another country? Because ITS A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. 

    Lying to your friends and family isn't cool. If you want to get married in Mexico follow the laws, take the proper steps to do it legally and return to the US. Or get married here. But just "because it's hard" isn't reason enough to potentially hurt your closest friends and family. 
    lovesclimbingOurWildKingdomSP29short+sassy
  • Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. 
    We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. 
    Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. 
    Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?
    If my sister would have asked, I still would have told her it was a selfish idea. She and her now-wife have no connection to Mexico, it's not like the area we went to was a special place they had always vacationed in or anything like that. They chose it strictly because they wanted a beach wedding.

    I would strongly advise against lying to your family and friends. Be up front with them. Tell them you are getting married ahead of time, and you are inviting them to a re-creation of your ceremony, on their dime. There will be some people who don't care, and are just excited about a trip to party for a week. Maybe if one of my friends had done something like this when we were in our early 20s I wouldn't have cared so much. Also consider who you want at your wedding. Often DWs are at all-inclusive resorts (passing another cost to your guests), which can get pretty pricey. You may have guests who aren't able to afford it, or can't take time off of work, or have some sort of health issue and can't fly. I have a decent amount of vacation time (for the US lol) and always have a vacation fund, and I was still pretty salty about someone else choosing how I got to use it. 

    I'll be completely honest and say for many years, I wanted a DW. I thought how great, to get married and then already be on vacation! But once you start thinking about it, its not a convenient option for a lot of people, and often more complicated than getting married locally (or even elsewhere in the US). My BIL just got married out of the country, just the two of them. I think they did have to do a bit of paperwork when they returned, but the country they got married in also spoke English & I think they started some of it at the embassy or something before they came home so it wasn't awful. That would be totally appropriate. Everyone knew their plans, and they hosted a dinner when they returned. 
    SP29short+sassy
  • coop4321coop4321
    First Comment
    member
    edited July 27
    Just so you all are aware- To legally get married in Mexico, for example, you have to become a "resident" and as such, arrive to the country 9 business days before to establish residency. Your "real" ceremony that is so important for these easily offended guests to see, must be in Spanish. You need to make appointments with doctors in Mexico to get bloodwork done. Then, you must return months later to pick up documents. If for some reason the States when processing it do not approve it, then this genuine ceremony that you care so much about, would be the same "sham" you think that you are attending. 

    Also, the ceremony that we will be having will be the same it would be if we had it in the states... same words, same readings, same everything... just on a beach in Mexico. You would have no idea which weddings you have attended in the past that have or have not been the actual legal binding wedding unless you were the only witness and had to sign the paperwork. I've been to a two where something went wrong with the license application and the wedding wasn't actually the legal wedding... GASP!! Guess what, no one knew the difference.

    There were actually other areas that my fiance and I preferred, including Florida beaches, and other countries that made it less of a legal hassle, but out of respect for guests and their costs, we did not select them as they were more expensive, harder to travel to, etc.

    So before you all get up on your high horses and judge brides for planning the wedding that they envision and claim that this is all in selfishness, you should probably think about it from their perspective. Just like you said a destination wedding is a choice, so is attending one. You think it's selfish, then just don't go. At least the wedding couple is giving you a beautiful place to travel to instead of asking you to spend a similar amount of money travel to a wedding in someones backwoods hometown... Just another side to think about.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited July 27
    Seriously, what were you expecting? You asked for us to put it like we would to our sister, and several of us obliged. That doesn't make the advice that it's a selfish idea to have a destination wedding that's not really a wedding any different.

    "People would rather go to Mexico than our hometown, so we're really doing them a favor" is essentially what you're saying and how you're trying to justify the fact that you want a DW and aren't willing to give it up. Thing is, while DWs are often inconvenient, destination forced vacations where no one actually gets married are way more inconvenient. So it's on you to plan well and here are your options: 1) get actually married in Mexico with all the legal hoops, 2) have the ceremony (or better, just a party) in Mexico and be totally honest with your guests that that's what it is, including telling your parents/siblings that there's no pressure to come, 3) replan your wedding for a different location where you get married legally. If people truly don't want to bother to come to your hometown for a real milestone in your life, they won't.

    If you stop with the illusion that anything about your wedding is a "favor" to your guests, and instead realize they are gracing you with more of their time/money (especially where time is money) than you're spending to thank them at your reception, in order to give you the favor of their presence at an important milestone in your life, then planning goes a lot differently.

    Anniversary

    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomSP29
  • Why are you even here? You've obviously made up your mind, no one is going to say what you want, which is obviously 'go ahead and lie to your guests, their time and money don't matter as much as your vision of a party in Mexico'. You can find plenty of beautiful locations that aren't your hometown that also allow you to get married in front of your guests.

    Can you at least answer why it has to be Mexico? Why can't Mexico be your honeymoon? Why would you choose somewhere, knowing you can't actually get married there?
    OurWildKingdomSP29
2
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards