Moms and Maids

Should I feel guilty?

So I decided to put this under "Moms and Maids" because it has to do with MIL to be and SIL to be.

Details: This will be my second time being married (first time was too young, very short, nothing messy, just needed to end. Had a medium sized traditional wedding.) This will be my fiance's first marriage.

The situation: My fiance and I got engaged in April of 2017. We had a talk on whether or not we wanted to get married first or buy a home. We want to start a family ASAP as I am in my 30's and if we want to have more than one child we would like to start our family soon. Neither of us want a tradition wedding. We want something simple and memorable without the huge price tag because we want to use that money towards a down payment on a home in the spring. 

We are going to Maui in October for 2 weeks (trip was book before we got engaged) so we thought 'Let's get married in Hawaii, just the 2 of us, and come back and have a nice celebration with family!"

I am an only child and not extremely close with my extended family due to everyone living in different states. I am close with my mother. She was ok with the idea of her not being there for this ceremony. And no, it has nothing to do with the fact I've been married before, she actually encouraged my ex and I to go away and get married alone to avoid the stress and money spent on a tradition wedding (of course I didn't listen).

My fiance's mom and sister are very upset. They used the words "painful" and said they will TRY to get over it but will probably NEVER understand why we would want to get married without family. My fiance has told them twice now how we just want something simple so we can start a family soon and the money factor. And isn't because we don't want anyone there it is because it was a quick decision, that we wouldn't want anyone forking over that type of money to travel there, and we intend on celebrating after. 

The kicker: We decided to compromise after many TEARS and lots of anxiousness between the two of us that we would not change our plan and we suggested a compromise to mother/sister that we would follow through with our Maui plan, come back and have a 2nd ceremony and celebration with them and family. They didn't like that idea, said "what is the point? you will already be married."

There are only a few people on his side of the family that are supportive of this. Others say they will be sad to miss it but want us to do what makes us happy.

My thought process is we shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt. We offered them a compromise and they didn't like it. His mother is known to be extremely stubborn and wanting things her way or the highway. I feel we offered them an awesome alternative to not seeing anything at all and they aren't having it.

My fiance isn't sulking. He says he had a feeling this would happen and we need to just push through and deal with the backlash, go on with our plan and get married in Maui! We both don't want to change anything and they will just have to get over it.

But, will they? I don't want this to loom over us for the rest of our lives. I don't want to change our plan at all but I also just hope they do eventually get over it. Are we totally selfish with this? I just need a peace of mind.

I am SO excited to marry this man. We are amazing together and we want to start our long and happy marriage ASAP. And we are footing the entire bill. With that being the case I feel like we should be able to do what we want. Neither his mom or sister has offered to help in any way...not even a suggestion when asked for alternatives on small wedding venues or suggestions for a celebration. It is frustrating to say the least.

Sorry for the LONG story...I just need some advice!

Thanks!
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Re: Should I feel guilty?

  • I also want to add, this is the kind of thing that can have an impact long after you tied the knot.  It's the sort of thing that has a way of changing the way that a person can view you.

    This is why I think you two need to sit and have a long talk together about whether or not this is the decision you want to make together.    If you choose to hold your legal ceremony away from your FI's family you have to expect that it will create a wound that will not be healed quickly if at all.   You two need to decide if your decision is worth permanently altering that relationship. 


    Thenimage Nowimage
    charlotte989875SP29eileenrobMairePoppy
  • When you plan a wedding, you need to consider the feelings of close family members.  You two get one wedding day.  It isn't completely about the two of you.  You will be dealing with his family for many, many years.  Starting out with a wedding plan that upsets them is probably not a good idea.

    Having a second fake ceremony is not an option.  Ew!  Is it possible that immediate family members could join you in Hawaii for a destination wedding?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    eileenrob


  • Ok but y'all... They're not doing it secretly and then telling people later. They're being totally transparent that their plan is to elope. 

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ELOPING. 

    I agree the compromise offered isn't really a compromise. But they don't have to offer any compromise at all (as long as they're the ones paying). Now if they WANT to offer a compromise, they COULD say "ok, you want to see the ceremony? fine, come to Hawaii." There's an actual compromise. But they certainly do not have to do that if they want to elope.

    As a parent, I can say that I would be disappointed if my child told me I wasn't invited to his wedding. BUT couples are allowed to elope if that's what they want to do.

    Will they get over it or make it last forever? Well, OP, I don't know these people so that's impossible to say.


    I agree, but that doesn't mean people won't have feelings about that decision. From an etiquette standpoint of course eloping is a perfectly valid choice, no doubt about that. If the OP and her FI really want to elope just the two of them, great, own that choice and do what works for them. I don't think anyone was saying this isn't true. 

    Couples are are allowed to elope and not feel guilty about it. Family and friends are also allowed to be hurt and have feelings about that choice. 
    ahoyweddingshort+sassySP29eileenrob






  • Ok but y'all... They're not doing it secretly and then telling people later. They're being totally transparent that their plan is to elope. 

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ELOPING. 

    I agree the compromise offered isn't really a compromise. But they don't have to offer any compromise at all (as long as they're the ones paying). Now if they WANT to offer a compromise, they COULD say "ok, you want to see the ceremony? fine, come to Hawaii." There's an actual compromise. But they certainly do not have to do that if they want to elope.

    As a parent, I can say that I would be disappointed if my child told me I wasn't invited to his wedding. BUT couples are allowed to elope if that's what they want to do.

    Will they get over it or make it last forever? Well, OP, I don't know these people so that's impossible to say.




    I agree, but that doesn't mean people won't have feelings about that decision. From an etiquette standpoint of course eloping is a perfectly valid choice, no doubt about that. If the OP and her FI really want to elope just the two of them, great, own that choice and do what works for them. I don't think anyone was saying this isn't true. 

    Couples are are allowed to elope and not feel guilty about it. Family and friends are also allowed to be hurt and have feelings about that choice. 


    What Charlotte said. Eloping is a totally valid choice and one that people make all the time. But it sounded like OP was kind of maybe feeling guilty about that option, knowing how it would make her FIL's feel. It also didn't seem like they had their hearts set on a Hawaiian wedding for ages; it seemed like kind of a "hey we're going on vacation anyway" type thing. In that case, maybe it would be wise to reconsider. If all that's important is a small, no-frills ceremony, that can be done anywhere. I think we were all just advising her not to be so quick to write off their feelings.
    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassyInLoveInQueensSP29


  • Thank you for the input! 

    As for the compromise being a compromise. I think there are many mixed feelings on this. Family members have agreed it is a compromise. I honestly feel like it is a private ceremony versus a family ceremony and both can be special in their own way. I've read many blog articles and heard numerous stories of people doing this. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion. 

    Secondly, we are paying for everything ourselves. We have discussed this this twice with mother/sister and were open to suggestions on alternatives to getting married alone in HI. We didn't get anything from them. Zero suggestion, input, nothing. When speaking of an after celebration they aren't interested in giving any input or suggestions they just 'want to be there'. 

    We were completely honest and upfront with them about our reasoning behind it, reassurance it isn't anything against, them etc.

    We are OWNING our decision. But I guess my original post was to see if anyone had similar stories, thoughts. I understand that people are allowed to feel however they want.

    I guess I am frustrated from lack of contribution to anything after asked for input. 

    At this point we have had a discussion twice that we are going to go ahead with our original plan.

    I mentioned to my fiance to invite them to the wedding and if they come, great, if not then that is fine too. I wouldn't be against it as long as only the wedding day was to be spent with them (that sounds harsh but this trip is for the two of us and we are looking forward to disconnecting and just being with one another) but my fiance nixed the idea of inviting anyone and I left it at that. 

    None of these decisions are made because we don't love them, we just really want it to be us. Private, and intimate. He cannot stand being the center of attention and wants to go off get married and be done with it so we can start a family.

    As for the comment regarding not inviting people because of THEIR money situation. We would not want anyone to spend that kind of money to travel that far for us. We don't even want gifts. We want it to be just us.

    Thank you to the @southernbelle0915 for acknowledge that we are being transparent and understanding what I was getting at in regards to eloping. 

    I am not downplaying them being upset. I understand, and knew they would be disappointed but am shocked by how hard they took it.

    For the suggestions of courthouse, lunch/dinner, etc. We tossed that around in our heads. I called the courthouse in PA to find out how much and what we would need to do in order to get married there, I was all for it and everything planned out. Fiance was onboard and then changed his mind and said no, that isn't how he envisioned it.

    As I said...I have been married before, I've been through the drama, I have learned the hard lesson that it isn't as much about when, where, how as it is about WHO you are building a life with. I told him I would marry him on the side of the road if it meant everyone being happy and he still pushed forward with our original plan.

    @DrillSergeantCat I do realize they are going to form their opinions and it most likely will be ill towards me. But I also do feel as if they know him well enough, US well enough, and know that he wouldn't just go along with anything I said. But I do get where you are coming from. Been there, done that. That is why I am struggling so much with this.

    We will go forward with our plan, as that is the only one that will make us happy and just deal with whatever comes our way now, after, in the future.


    Sounds like you've made your decision and that your FI is fine with his family not there. And that you're prepared for any negative feelings/fallout of what is likely to come your way. 

    As for them then giving you suggestions; I mean what do you really expect? They said they just want to be there. Sounds like they don't care when/where/how that happens. It doesn't really sound like you two are open to anything but the Hawaii wedding. And that's fine. It's your choice. But again, it seems disingenuous to then ask for suggestions on a compromise if you've made your decision. 

    Eloping/private weddings are perfectly fine. If that's what works for you, great. You don't need to feel guilty about it. But at the same time his family is entitled to their feelings about it as well, and it may have repercussions for your relationship with them in the future. 
    DrillSergeantCatahoywedding
  • @charlotte989875 it is so difficult to give ALL details via message board without writing a novel. After the first time we told them about the idea of going away and getting married alone they showed their feelings about it. We were open to discussing possible alternatives and told them we wanted input, ideas and thoughts because we are all living in different states, small time frame, etc. and we didn't get anything. That is what I mean about being frustrated. After research, crunching numbers and soul searching we solidly decided that we will move forth with the wedding plans in HI alone. I am not sure the exact words but I know that they are not interested in anything regarding the after celebration either. 

    I guess there are many factors to our frustrations with the situation. Personally I would be more vocal and up front when asked if I felt strongly about something, but it seems like this is how they are. We didn't just say this is what we are doing and be done with it. 

    Bottom line is we discussed, mulled this over quite a bit, and we need to move on with our choice and be ready to deal with the backlash.




  • I also think you need to respect their decision in not being interested in an re-enactment after you elope. You can have a party and invite them but don't do the ceremony and other wedding stuff - that would just rub it in that they weren't invited to the actual wedding. I know you said you think a re-enactment is ok but a lot of people feel differently than that. If I were your future in-laws and were invited to a re-enactment I would be hurt and probably not go.


    This. And they already told her that they thought it was a bad idea because they'd "already be married". So they've said how they feel about a reenactment ceremony.
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    DrillSergeantCatILoveBeachMusicSTARMOON44
  • @aurianna thank you so much for your input!

    It is hard to relay all details via message board. After we told them about our thoughts regarding HI and going away alone they clearly were upset. The two of us chatted and decided we were open to changing the plan in order to avoid hard feelings but we didn't want to push back the time, we truly want to get married this year, so we had a conversation with them and said if we were to get married before our scheduled trip to HI we would like input and suggestions as at this point we were on a blank slate. We did not mention anything regarding city hall (that was a convo between the two of us later on when mulling over alternatives). We simply told them that it was up for discussion, ideas and collaboration were welcome and all we got was "thank you for reconsidering tell us when and where". That is where my frustration lies.

    I am not MAD at them for having feelings. I am sure when I am a mother and if my child comes to me and says they want to go away and get married I will be disappointed and sad. But if I feel so strongly about something and someone asks me to be involved with coming up with an alternative you bet I am going to have a voice. 

    I guess what it boils down to is he does not want them there. If they flew to HI to watch us get married I wouldn't have an issue with it as long as the only day spent with them was the day of the wedding.  When I suggested to invite them he said no. It is his family (my mother wouldn't be able to take that long of a flight due to medical conditions. she would be sad they went and she didn't but she wouldn't dwell on it) and if he says no then he says no.

    I am not looking for any sort of answer, I guess I posted this because I wanted to vent and see what others had to say. I realize that we cannot keep going back and forth on this. We would not be happy changing our plan and it has been discussed twice and we must move forward with the plan and hope they get over it eventually. It wouldn't do anyone any good to change the plan to include them because it would be obvious we only want to because they expressed their negative feelings. The encouragement that it is ok to go away and get married alone is nice. My family and friends are all excited and supportive, his dad's side of the family is thrilled for us and thinks it is awesome! His aunt is being very encouraging!

    I have decided not to have a guilty conscious and to deal with what comes our way. I just hurt for my fiance because I know it is weighing on his mind. But he is dead set on this plan. I think within time they will get used to the idea and it will blow over. They aren't petty people so I don't see any snarky comments coming our way. They just need time to cool off.


    redwoodoriginal
  • I feel bad for his parents, honestly. It's a big day in your child's life and for him flat not to want them there is rough. 

    I was going to suggest if you were willing to do the party thing to just get married AT the party. Backyard, cater some bbq and get a basic cake. My best friend did this last weekend and it was lovely. They maybe spent $1,000. 50 people. No photographer. Played music off ipod. They did rent a tent. Groom wore shorts; bride a short cute white dress. 
  • Wow she deleted quick.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    scribe95 said:

    Wow she deleted quick.


    And everyone was pretty mild with her, too.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensernursej

  • scribe95 said:

    I feel bad for his parents, honestly. It's a big day in your child's life and for him flat not to want them there is rough. 

    I was going to suggest if you were willing to do the party thing to just get married AT the party. Backyard, cater some bbq and get a basic cake. My best friend did this last weekend and it was lovely. They maybe spent $1,000. 50 people. No photographer. Played music off ipod. They did rent a tent. Groom wore shorts; bride a short cute white dress. 


    That's where I am too.   Or even just do the small ceremony with small dinner after.

    I don't understand the idea that you'd have the big party after but really needed that small Hawaii ceremony.   In my head, if you really wanted anything about you to be intimate then you wouldn't have any kind of party at all. 

    And I think the idea of saying that others know that there will be a wedding and they aren't welcome to it because it's private is the adult equivalent of the kid in class saying "You're not invited to my birthday."    If you really wanted it to be private then you shouldn't blab about it in advance.   I feel like the better thing to do is to either run away and elope without even telling the world you were engaged.   

    Weddings are once in a lifetime events.   Not including my parents or IL's was unheard of to me.   It sounds like the OP and her FI are from very different backgrounds because her family encouraged her to elope.   I would be CRUSHED if that was what my mom encouraged me to do and would be hurt if my child does that when the time comes for her to make her own choices.  

    It's a concern to me and I hope the OP and her FI at least try to see that if they continue on this path then it's one of those times I like to call, 'correct etiquette on paper'.
    Thenimage Nowimage
    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • Well, I have a 35 year old unmarried son.  If he told me that he had decided to get married to the girl of his dreams in a private ceremony in Timbuktu, I would be happy for him.  I would expect him to visit us afterwards and spend a family day or two.  No, I don't think this would upset me.  Not all families are alike.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
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