Wedding Woes

Only you know if you need the oats before settling down.

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. We are very much in love and have been talking about getting married. He is the kindest and most genuine person I know. However, my one hesitation is that once I’m married, I won’t be able to have sexual experiences with other people. It’s not that he doesn’t satisfy me (he’s very good, and we’re great at communicating about sex and trying new things), it’s just that I’ve only had one other sexual partner, and I still want to explore. I’m bisexual, and would like to have the chance to have sex with a girl at some point. The thing is, I don’t think I’m polyamorous, and I know if he wanted to have sex with someone else I’d be insanely jealous! So I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to let me have sex with other people. Perhaps it’s our slight age difference (I’m 21 and he’s 26, and has had more sexual partners than me). What are your thoughts?

—No Wild Oats

Re: Only you know if you need the oats before settling down.

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    Threesome?
    short+sassyMissKittyDangerOurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • I was in a similar situation, though even a few years younger than her.  I started dating this great guy when I was 18.  At the time, I was in jr. college and I was always honest that, when I went away to finish my degree at a 4-year college, I'd want to have an open relationship.  For exactly the LW's reasons.  I wanted to experience life and dating a variety of other people before settling down.

    At first that was okay with him.  But, as things got more serious, he started talking about our future and marriage.  We were very much in love and I could have seen marrying him someday, but I didn't change my mind about the open relationship.  I knew myself and knew, if I just went down the rosy path of dating the same guy I met at 18...all through college...then got married after we graduated, I would have regrets and always "wonder".

    Needless to say, my attitude eventually broke us up for good.  My life would have been VERY different if I hadn't been adamant about sowing my wild oats.  I think the path I chose turned out WAY better.  But really, I guess there is no way to say for sure.

    The path not chosen.

    It's a tough decision the LW has to make.  Believe you me, I know, lol.  But only she can make it. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    DrillSergeantCatOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • edited June 15
    You can love someone and still want other experiences. But if not exploring these feelings will leave you with regrets (or worse negative feelings toward the BF) it's time to talk to him about those feelings now. 

    ETA: I've only had two sexual partners. I did the long term monogamous relationship thing for a long time. I don't regret it but there are times where I've wished I hadn't been so conservative about sex. I don't want other experiences now but looking back I wish I had been a little more adventurous. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost


  • You can love someone and still want other experiences. But if not exploring these feelings will leave you with regrets (or worse negative feelings toward the BF) it's time to talk to him about those feelings now. 

    ETA: I've only had two sexual partners. I did the long term monogamous relationship thing for a long time. I don't regret it but there are times where I've wished I hadn't been so conservative about sex. I don't want other experiences now but looking back I wish I had been a little more adventurous. 


    This!

    There's a 2yr 10 month age gap between M and I {I'm older} and for awhile in our early relationship, I was concerned he felt 'tied down'
    I was never one for 'dating around' {or dating in general} so I was cool with long-term relationship stuff.

    Knowing the age gap, I tended to bring it up in conversation often. He's fine with what we had/have.
    Tbh after 6 1/2 yrs together, I still ask him if I tied him down too quick. He swears if he had/has an issue he would tell me.


    LW needs the conversation with BF - maybe there's something that could be figured out.
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • Have the conversation. If it goes south and y'all break up, then you get your experiences. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLostsparklepants41
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I got married the first time at 19. I was not done exploring. He had no interest in exploring. Not a good combo.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    FW and I know a few people who are polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous, and they all say that a certain amount of jealousy is normal, but that clear communication is key to working through jealousy. They also say that you have to be very secure in your relationship before you even think about adding more people. 
    short+sassy
  • LW should tell her boyfriend how she's feeling.  In my circle, 26 for a guy is a touch young to be talking about marriage anyway- maybe the bf feels the same way?  Although LW wouldn't like that, since she said she'd be "insanely jealous" if bf wanted to sleep with someone else.  21 or not, she owes it to herself to experience what she wants to before she's married.
    charlotte989875
  • I think she should just break up with him tbh. She's not ready for the commitment he wants, and that's totally fine. 
    missJeanLouiseshort+sassyDrillSergeantCat
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