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Etiquette

How to charitably word reminders to my parents to rsvp to the wedding?

Hey guys, I'm in a particularly sticky dilemma here. There's a LOT of backstory to it, but long story short, I need advice on wording a reminder to my parents and family to rsvp to my upcoming nuptial Mass.

My fiance and I are dirt poor, so we used evite for our invitations. So, while I know my mother and aunt have viewed the evite, my father hasn't. None of them have rsvp'd or even acknowledged that it is happening; the logic box here is that my father lives in a tenuous house of cards, and he simply ignores the existence of any event or fact that threatens to topple it. And my wedding definitely falls in that category.

Yep, I know, it's not even a bit normal, and that's why I want to BE the normal person and remind them, instead of agreeing to cooperate with their alternative reality. 

BUT it's very, very important to me that when I remind them, that I do so in completely kind and charitable terms. It's also very important to me that I DO act as a normal person would (by reminding them to rsvp), instead of cooperating with their behavior. 

Ideas?

ETA: The wedding is this Saturday!
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Re: How to charitably word reminders to my parents to rsvp to the wedding?

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2017





    apresmoi said:





    Hey guys, I'm in a particularly sticky dilemma here. There's a LOT of backstory to it, but long story short, I need advice on wording a reminder to my parents and family to rsvp to my upcoming nuptial Mass.

    My fiance and I are dirt poor, so we used evite for our invitations. So, while I know my mother and aunt have viewed the evite, my father hasn't. None of them have rsvp'd or even acknowledged that it is happening; the logic box here is that my father lives in a tenuous house of cards, and he simply ignores the existence of any event or fact that threatens to topple it. And my wedding definitely falls in that category.

    Yep, I know, it's not even a bit normal, and that's why I want to BE the normal person and remind them, instead of agreeing to cooperate with their alternative reality. 

    BUT it's very, very important to me that when I remind them, that I do so in completely kind and charitable terms. It's also very important to me that I DO act as a normal person would (by reminding them to rsvp), instead of cooperating with their behavior. 

    Ideas?

    ETA: The wedding is this Saturday!










    OK, it is too late for you to send proper wedding invitations.  I hope lurking brides read your post because this is an example of why evite wedding invitations are a bad idea.  (Vistaprint is incredibly cheap and does a great job.)  This was a mistake on your part.  Don't blame it on your guests.

    Since your wedding is on Saturday, you should have telephoned everyone who did not respond to your invitation and asked them if they are going to attend.  This is your responsibility, so get going now!  Even brides who send out paper invitations have to make a few calls if they want an accurate head count.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29japrincess24
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2017
    On rereading your post, I am confused.  You invited people with an evite to your nuptial mass.  I do hope you are having a reception afterwards?  Being poor is no excuse for being rude.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueens
  • There are plenty of other threads here discussing how to obtain missing RSVPs. Even couples who send traditional paper invitations to guests within this realm of reality usually have a few stragglers and need to reach out for confirmation, so your situation is not unheard of. Take a look around those threads for some more examples of the wording you can use. I'm sure no one has suggested unkind or uncharitable phrasing to use, it's a very matter-of-fact type of call.

    CMGragainInLoveInQueensSP29OurWildKingdom
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2017
    I think this article sums up email wedding invitations well:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-laudon/evites-paperless-and-emai_b_4892576.html

    Even the notoriously liberal and "modern" Emily Post Institute says that email invitations are not appropriate for a wedding.

    Is it rude? No.  Is it a good idea?  No.  I really can't blame guests for not taking it seriously.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg


  • Pick up the phone and call them! 


    This. Don't overthink it. 

    I'm sorry you're having this anxiety right before your wedding. You may have some people who will RSVP yes and no-show and some people who will not RSVP and then show up. Make your best guess based on previous behavior and plan your hosting accordingly.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    OurWildKingdom

  • jacques27 said:

    Why are you trying to force them to be who they aren't?  You want to remind them to go to a website to give you an answer to your question instead of just asking them the question and getting the answer directly?  Do you like making things more complicated and weird for yourself?  Is this like a social experiment or something?  You do realize when most people call to follow-up on invites, they just call to get the answer - they don't call to remind people to go to a website or send in their card - that ship sailed and they just get the information they need.  Call them on the phone and talk to them like a normal human being "Mom?  I'm just double checking final numbers and want to confirm that you'll be at the wedding."  Or "Will you be at the wedding?" 

    Talking.  Not that hard. 


    All of this. They're are who they are and your wedding isn't going to change that, no matter how much you want it to. You're making this harder for yourself. They don't need to respond to the evite or even respond online, call them up, tell them the date, and ask if they're coming. 
    OurWildKingdom

  • Viczaesar said:

    I'm confused.  You're getting married in less than a week and you haven't reached out for missing RSVPs before now?  When does your caterer need the final headcount?  What was your RSVP deadline?


    We are not having a reception. Nor did it occur to me to have a deadline. :-/ 

  • CMGragain said:

    OK, it is too late for you to send proper wedding invitations.  I hope lurking brides read your post because this is an example of why evite wedding invitations are a bad idea.  (Vistaprint is incredibly cheap and does a great job.)  This was a mistake on your part.  Don't blame it on your guests.

    Since your wedding is on Saturday, you should have telephoned everyone who did not respond to your invitation and asked them if they are going to attend.  This is your responsibility, so get going now!  Even brides who send out paper invitations have to make a few calls if they want an accurate head count.




    My parents and aunt are the only invitees who did not respond. I do know it's my responsibility to follow up, which is why I'm posting here. :-) 

    Please note that I am asking how to politely word this, not for reprimands on how I handled the invitations. I chose the method I did for a specific reason, and I have no regrets.



  • 'Hi Mum and Dad, are you able to come to my wedding this weekend?'


    Heh, that's actually perfect. I definitely was overthinking it. Thanks!
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    apresmoi said:



    Viczaesar said:


    I'm confused.  You're getting married in less than a week and you haven't reached out for missing RSVPs before now?  When does your caterer need the final headcount?  What was your RSVP deadline?




    We are not having a reception. Nor did it occur to me to have a deadline. :-/ 



    httpsmediatenorcomimages54451401d52c0dd2fe9ee5752857d53ctenorgif



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    DrillSergeantCatTrixieJesssparklepants41

  • AddieCake said:

    I don't know your family dynamic, but it's possible your parents just assumed you knew they were coming.


    OP says that her mother & aunt haven't acknowledged that the wedding is happening and that this event will topple her father's life(?), so I think the dynamic is more complex than that.

    Still no excuse to not have a reception!

    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueenseileenrob
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