Reception Ideas

Best man killed himself and we're at a loss.

edited June 26 in Reception Ideas
My fiance's best friend and co-best man, "T", killed himself recently.  We're getting married October 28 of this year. He was also dating my cousin, another wedding party member. T's sister is going to stand up in his memory, and my fiance's other best friend is now the sole best man instead of being a co-best man. We're really struggling with what to do at the reception.  It's a Dr. Who/Audrey Hepburn theme wedding Halloween weekend, and the reception is a masquerade ball/costume party. T's parents and sis were on the guest list before all this happened, and all said that they would still be coming to our wedding. We don't want to bring the whole thing down, but it's going to be a really, really hard day for us, especially my fiance. It won't feel right not mentioning T or doing something to remember him at either the ceremony or reception.  Any ideas would be appreciated.  Thank you.


Edit:
My fiance and T were closer than twins. T's family welcomed my fiance into their house for almost 2 years when he had nowhere else to live, and they, T's family, consider my fiance to be their "other son". I considered T to be like a brother as well. We are definitely including his family in the decisions. 

Excluding the kids invited, 87% of the guests knew T and at least 90% know what happened. If very few knew it would be different. I feel it will be really weird to have no mention when it will be such a big presence.

Re: Best man killed himself and we're at a loss.

  • downtondivadowntondiva
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
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    edited June 26


    missfrodo said:


    So sorry for your loss.  I agree with PPs that a subtle remembrance is better than turning your wedding, which is a joining of you and your FI, into a second funeral for your friend.  Since he was FI's friend, maybe he could ask T's family for a memento to borrow--a tie he always wore, a small fishing lure, a trinket he kept on his desk, etc, that he could keep it in his pocket to have his friend close to him during the wedding.  You could also have a small photo of him attached to your bouquet, or add a charm that represents one of his interests (ie, was he into video games, fishing, hunting, reading, hiking, art, etc).  I think all the ideas people listed above would be wonderful.  
    I would advise against straight-forward memorials, such as an empty seat with a rose or a large photo in a prominent location, as his family may not appreciate the reminder at an event not centered around honoring his memory.  




    OP, I am very sorry for your loss. PP's have given some good advice so far. I agree that a straight-forward memorial would not be appropriate, and I'm sure that your friend would not want your wedding to become more about his death than about your marriage. Personally, I think these memorials always run that risk.

    Whatever you decide to do, I think you should probably speak to your friend's sister first (and she can speak to her parents if necessary) and probably also your cousin to find out what would be okay for them and what wouldn't. You don't want to spring anything on them that day and create an awkward or upsetting situation for them. Just something to think about.
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  • lnixon8lnixon8
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    missfrodo said:



    So sorry for your loss.  I agree with PPs that a subtle remembrance is better than turning your wedding, which is a joining of you and your FI, into a second funeral for your friend.  Since he was FI's friend, maybe he could ask T's family for a memento to borrow--a tie he always wore, a small fishing lure, a trinket he kept on his desk, etc, that he could keep it in his pocket to have his friend close to him during the wedding.  You could also have a small photo of him attached to your bouquet, or add a charm that represents one of his interests (ie, was he into video games, fishing, hunting, reading, hiking, art, etc).  I think all the ideas people listed above would be wonderful.  
    I would advise against straight-forward memorials, such as an empty seat with a rose or a large photo in a prominent location, as his family may not appreciate the reminder at an event not centered around honoring his memory.  






    OP, I am very sorry for your loss. PP's have given some good advice so far. I agree that a straight-forward memorial would not be appropriate, and I'm sure that your friend would not want your wedding to become more about his death than about your marriage. Personally, I think these memorials always run that risk.

    Whatever you decide to do, I think you should probably speak to your friend's sister first (and she can speak to her parents if necessary) and probably also your cousin to find out what would be okay for them and what wouldn't. You don't want to spring anything on them that day and create an awkward or upsetting situation for them. Just something to think about.


    I am sorry about your friend. How large is your wedding? Will other guests know what happened? I am just afraid if someone isn't familar and they just see "costume party" on Halloween weekend this might be upsetting for T's girlfiend and parents to see anyone dressed up as a zombie, dead football player, dressed up with scary face paint etc... 


    sparklepants41mollybarker11MyNameIsNot
  • What a devastating loss. I'm so sorry. 

    You're already doing something to memorialize him by having his sister stand in his place. The right place for additional memorials is at an actual memorial. I would not turn your wedding into a mourning event. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited June 26
    How tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    As PPs have indicated, any "memorial" to your friend needs to be subtle so as not to overshadow the whole wedding. Some appropriate ways to have a subtle memorial of him would be for you and/or your FI to wear or carry something that belonged to or are associated with his friend, to offer food, drinks, or other entertainment that he would have enjoyed, to mention him in a program if you are having them, and if your ceremony is religious, to say a prayer for him at the appropriate time.

    But anything really conspicuous would not be subtle or appropriate for what is still supposed to be a happy occasion. I also agree that you need to run it by his family who will be there to make sure that they're okay with it.
  • Oh goodness, I am so, so sorry for you & your FI. Ditto PPs, and I love the phrasing @MobKaz suggested. I also love the idea of including his favorite drink or appetizer or something that people who knew him would recognize. If he & your FI had any favorite things or inside jokes, you could get your FI a tie or cufflinks to symbolize that (sports team, super hero, etc). I agree with checking with his family as well, especially if they will be there. It will be equally, if not more, difficult for them, and you don't want to upset them further on what is supposed to be a happy day.
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