Wedding Party

Bridemaid/Sister in Law out of state

So one of my bridesmaid is my future sister in law who lives half way across the country in another state. I've only met her in person a handful of times since she lives so far away but it was important to my fiancé and his family that she be in our wedding which is totally fine with me. I look forward to getting to know her better as the years go on.
Anyway, my question is...what all should I invite her too? (showers, engagement party, bachelorette party, etc.)

I don't want her to feel left out or not as important as the other maids but I don't want her to feel obligated to come to anything either.
My rough bachelorette party idea is a weekend at my parents lake condo that is walking distance of a popular/fun bar. I'm trying to keep it as low-cost as possible.

Anyway I don't want her to feel like she has to fly in for anything but I don't want to not extend an invite either.

Suggestions?

 

Re: Bridemaid/Sister in Law out of state

  • Thanks...slight side note on her and I's relationship and maybe advice.

    Everytime I've met her she seems a little stand-offish in general like she didn't want to get to know me but I assumed I took it wrong or she was tired/in a bad mood/whatever.

    My fiance later shared with me that her and her husband were having fertility issues. I teared up and immdiatly wanted to hug her. My mom and best friend went though the same things. My mom told me how difficult it was for her emotionally and then years later with my best friend. Spend a lot of time crying with her because she wasn't pregant again or lost the baby (that was really rough night!) Thankfully she now has a rainbow baby and is trying for baby number 2!

    So I understand how difficult it is. or as much as a person who hasn't actually been through it can understand.

    The problem is her husband wasn't supposed to tell anyone because she doesn't want/need the added pressure of "are you pregnant yet?" (something I also understand) Mainly she doesn't want her mom to know that they're trying.

    So how do I navigate this...I want to be the "shoulder to cry on" if she needs one but i don't want to intrue.

     

  • Bridesmaids should be invited to every wedding related party (generally). You can always call her and tell her you "want her to feel included in all these events but you understand the cost of travel and you totally do not expect her to come to everything - just the wedding." 
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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member

    Thanks...slight side note on her and I's relationship and maybe advice.

    Everytime I've met her she seems a little stand-offish in general like she didn't want to get to know me but I assumed I took it wrong or she was tired/in a bad mood/whatever.

    My fiance later shared with me that her and her husband were having fertility issues. I teared up and immdiatly wanted to hug her. My mom and best friend went though the same things. My mom told me how difficult it was for her emotionally and then years later with my best friend. Spend a lot of time crying with her because she wasn't pregant again or lost the baby (that was really rough night!) Thankfully she now has a rainbow baby and is trying for baby number 2!

    So I understand how difficult it is. or as much as a person who hasn't actually been through it can understand.

    The problem is her husband wasn't supposed to tell anyone because she doesn't want/need the added pressure of "are you pregnant yet?" (something I also understand) Mainly she doesn't want her mom to know that they're trying.

    So how do I navigate this...I want to be the "shoulder to cry on" if she needs one but i don't want to intrue.


    I have one SIL who is great at getting you alone (in the kitchen just the two of you at a family gathering, for example) and then saying something like, "Now how are you doing lately, lady?" That way you can be as superficial as possible if you don't feel like sharing, but if you do want to confide in her, you're alone in a quiet moment and you can.

    Anniversary

    ahoyweddingshort+sassy
  • Bridesmaids should be invited to every wedding related party (generally). You can always call her and tell her you "want her to feel included in all these events but you understand the cost of travel and you totally do not expect her to come to everything - just the wedding." 

    Thanks! She just got a new job recently that she has to travel (Paris, London, Milan, I'm so jealous :-)) for fashion week so she might be able to use free miles and such to come. Time is more of the issue.

     

  • My bff lived across country, and she was actually the first person who knew about my engagement so there would be plenty of time for her to be at the wedding.

    If your FSIL is unable to attend events, try to record or facetime for her to be able to feel she's included. For dress fitting, I did that for my friend and for events we would take photos and videos for her to feel like she was there. Plus all conversations were group ones so she was still around.


    One thing that I planned out was 2 days before the wedding she came to town and we had a day together :) I was able to have her try her dress on, see mine in person and just hang out.
    cat animals pallas cat GIF
    augustgirl21short+sassy
  • Thanks...slight side note on her and I's relationship and maybe advice.

    Everytime I've met her she seems a little stand-offish in general like she didn't want to get to know me but I assumed I took it wrong or she was tired/in a bad mood/whatever.

    My fiance later shared with me that her and her husband were having fertility issues. I teared up and immdiatly wanted to hug her. My mom and best friend went though the same things. My mom told me how difficult it was for her emotionally and then years later with my best friend. Spend a lot of time crying with her because she wasn't pregant again or lost the baby (that was really rough night!) Thankfully she now has a rainbow baby and is trying for baby number 2!

    So I understand how difficult it is. or as much as a person who hasn't actually been through it can understand.

    The problem is her husband wasn't supposed to tell anyone because she doesn't want/need the added pressure of "are you pregnant yet?" (something I also understand) Mainly she doesn't want her mom to know that they're trying.

    So how do I navigate this...I want to be the "shoulder to cry on" if she needs one but i don't want to intrue.

    You don't. She doesn't know you! She doesn't want you to know this fact at all. Anything you do would be an intrusion. 
    geebee908redwoodoriginaljustsie
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I am going to suggest that you slow the pace down just a tad.  When is your wedding? 

    You haven't even had an engagement party yet, but you have selected your BM's and are already planning a bachelorette party.  Please understand that you should not be planning any of these events, nor should you assume they are "a given". 

    Take a step back and see what is planned for you on your behalf.  Some of these events may not happen, and then you are worrying for nothing.
    ILoveBeachMusicInLoveInQueensshort+sassyahoywedding
  • MobKaz said:
    I am going to suggest that you slow the pace down just a tad.  When is your wedding? 

    You haven't even had an engagement party yet, but you have selected your BM's and are already planning a bachelorette party.  Please understand that you should not be planning any of these events, nor should you assume they are "a given". 

    Take a step back and see what is planned for you on your behalf.  Some of these events may not happen, and then you are worrying for nothing.

    I'm personally not planning any of these events. My FMIL and MOH asked for my guest list for these events.  

     

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    MobKaz said:
    I am going to suggest that you slow the pace down just a tad.  When is your wedding? 

    You haven't even had an engagement party yet, but you have selected your BM's and are already planning a bachelorette party.  Please understand that you should not be planning any of these events, nor should you assume they are "a given". 

    Take a step back and see what is planned for you on your behalf.  Some of these events may not happen, and then you are worrying for nothing.

    I'm personally not planning any of these events. My FMIL and MOH asked for my guest list for these events.  
    Unless you are marrying within a few months, I urge you all to simmer down just a little.  Everyone gets caught up in the initial 'honeymoon phase" of a new engagement.  A LOT can and often does happen/change in the time leading up to the actual wedding. 

    Have you already established a budget?  Do you have a guest list?  Do you have an idea of where your ceremony will take place.  Nothing should take place or be planned until these things are nailed down. 



  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I am going to suggest that you slow the pace down just a tad.  When is your wedding? 

    You haven't even had an engagement party yet, but you have selected your BM's and are already planning a bachelorette party.  Please understand that you should not be planning any of these events, nor should you assume they are "a given". 

    Take a step back and see what is planned for you on your behalf.  Some of these events may not happen, and then you are worrying for nothing.

    I'm personally not planning any of these events. My FMIL and MOH asked for my guest list for these events.  
    Unless you are marrying within a few months, I urge you all to simmer down just a little.  Everyone gets caught up in the initial 'honeymoon phase" of a new engagement.  A LOT can and often does happen/change in the time leading up to the actual wedding. 

    Have you already established a budget?  Do you have a guest list?  Do you have an idea of where your ceremony will take place.  Nothing should take place or be planned until these things are nailed down. 




    Yes budget has been established and half wedding has been paid for.
    Guest list has been established and save the dates have been sent
    Ceremony and venue have been booked and paid for.
    My dress has been picked out paid for and fitted
    Bridesmaid dresses have been set
    Flowers have been picked and paid for
    DJ has been booked and paid for


     

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I am going to suggest that you slow the pace down just a tad.  When is your wedding? 

    You haven't even had an engagement party yet, but you have selected your BM's and are already planning a bachelorette party.  Please understand that you should not be planning any of these events, nor should you assume they are "a given". 

    Take a step back and see what is planned for you on your behalf.  Some of these events may not happen, and then you are worrying for nothing.

    I'm personally not planning any of these events. My FMIL and MOH asked for my guest list for these events.  
    Unless you are marrying within a few months, I urge you all to simmer down just a little.  Everyone gets caught up in the initial 'honeymoon phase" of a new engagement.  A LOT can and often does happen/change in the time leading up to the actual wedding. 

    Have you already established a budget?  Do you have a guest list?  Do you have an idea of where your ceremony will take place.  Nothing should take place or be planned until these things are nailed down. 




    Yes budget has been established and half wedding has been paid for.
    Guest list has been established and save the dates have been sent
    Ceremony and venue have been booked and paid for.
    My dress has been picked out paid for and fitted
    Bridesmaid dresses have been set
    Flowers have been picked and paid for
    DJ has been booked and paid for


    Perhaps then, the inclusion of "engagement party" in your original post was an error.  That was what was throwing me off.  With all that planning accomplished, I would dare say it is way past the time to host an engagement party.

    As a matter of courtesy, the MOB, MOG, and wedding party are invited to all pre-wedding events.  I'm sure FI can explain to his mom that sister is being included as a family and wedding party member.  FI can ask mom to assure sister that there is no expectation of attendance, and that the invitation is borne from thoughtful inclusiveness.
    ILoveBeachMusicsouthernbelle0915justsieDrillSergeantCat
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