Moms and Maids

I love my mom but...

Hey knotties!!
1st off I apologize for any odd autocorrects. Doing this during break on my phone. 
Without going into too much back story the issue I'm having is for my "something old" I'm wearing my grandma's (Dad's mom) 1920s pearl drop earrings that she left me when she passed away. I might also try to include some of the other pieces she left me as well around my bouquet or some thing. Her and my grandpa were my world before they passed away and at every major life event I still always think "they should be here for this" so on one of the most important days of my life it hurts a little that they cant be here.
Anyway. I asked my mom how to possibly include these other pieces from myy grandma  and she made the comment "Don't you want anything of mine." My first thought was you're not dead, grandma is so she gets dibs. I kinda shugged it off and said maybe acting like I hadn't considered it.
Now she's asking if I want the cake cutting set from her wedding and I could get my date engraved on the back since hers is on the front. She's thinks that would be cool. 
I love my mom but her marriage to my dad is not an inspiring one and definitely not a good example I'd like to follow. 
Short story is my parents are together now and have legally been married for 36yrs but they lived apart for 10 years. 

So question is, how do I tell my mom without hurting her feelings I don't want anything from your wedding in my wedding? 

 

Re: I love my mom but...

  • I agree with @charlotte989875. You don't have to include anything you don't want to, but if you want to retain a relationship with your mom, is this a hill you want to die on? Maybe there's something small of hers you'd like to include. If you're worried about getting bad marriage vibes using something from her wedding, does she have some jewelry you'd like? I've heard of people also sewing small trinkets to the inside of their dress, if something like that would work.
  • She sounds like she just wants to be thought of.

    My 'something old' was a pendant that my dad gave my mum as a wedding gift, and it was something he received from his mother.

    Is there something possibly use that would be small and maybe family related instead of just representing your parents?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    By way of compromise, would you be willing to wear, carry or use something of your mother's that is not specifically related to her wedding to your father?
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
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    I think your mother is hurt - I would be. If you don't have a cake cutting set why don't you use hers. I personally don't believe in bad luck being passed on so it won't have bearing on your marriage. If you don't want to have your date engraved on it, don't. I know of a couple whose mother did this as a shower gift for her. If I had had my own cake cutting set I would have done that for DD. PPs' other suggestions about a small piece of jewelry that isn't directly related to your parents wedding would also be great.
    short+sassy
  • OP, I'm so sorry that your grandparents have passed.  My father was passed when I got married and I know exactly what you mean when you say "they should be here for this".  Wearing your grandmother's earrings sounds like a sweet and meaningful memory of her.  And, even if she is disappointed, I hope your mother understands that.

    I'm admittedly a little torn with the rest of your post, OP.  On the one hand, no you don't need to use anything of your mother's if you don't want to.  But, to be blunt, if it would mean something to her for you to use the cake set from her and your dad's wedding, then I'd strongly recommend you use their cake set.  It's not going to set a bad omen.  It isn't symbolism that you approve of the ups/downs of their marriage.

    I remember what it is like to be a bride and everything feels like a big deal.  I also remember laughing at myself, after the fact, because most/all of the minutia was not important.  At all.  At least for me, a cake set falls squarely in that category.

    After my wedding, my mom cleaned my cake set and put it back in its box.  Where it has lived ever since.  That box is in my kitchen.  Somewhere.  Never say never, but I can't imagine a situation where I'd drag it back out.  My H and I have just used a big kitchen knife for every other cake we've ever had since getting married, lol.   

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  • @short+Sassy I appreciate it they weren't in my life for a long time but they made a large impact.

    It's not about the cake cutting set she just thought it would be cool and it would 1. Save me from buying one (which I got a free one now from tux rental place since it was the only free item I could maybe find a use for) 

     2. Hers would get a 2nd use

    The idea of using one of her diamonds from her 1st wedding band (parents upgraded last year) in my wedding band or engagement ring was the most appealing to me but it didn't work out due to the band design I wanted.
    She pulled out her wedding dress the other day to see if there was anything in there that would work and she wanted to see if it still fit. (it just about did little miss size 4 still at 60!) She found a small purse that had badly yellowed and we both felt it wouldn't work well.
    Might go though her stuff and get my something "borrowed" from her. I've borrowed clothes/jewelry from her most of my life why should I stop on my wedding day lol   

     

    short+sassy
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    @short+Sassy I appreciate it they weren't in my life for a long time but they made a large impact.

    It's not about the cake cutting set she just thought it would be cool and it would 1. Save me from buying one (which I got a free one now from tux rental place since it was the only free item I could maybe find a use for) 

     2. Hers would get a 2nd use

    The idea of using one of her diamonds from her 1st wedding band (parents upgraded last year) in my wedding band or engagement ring was the most appealing to me but it didn't work out due to the band design I wanted.
    She pulled out her wedding dress the other day to see if there was anything in there that would work and she wanted to see if it still fit. (it just about did little miss size 4 still at 60!) She found a small purse that had badly yellowed and we both felt it wouldn't work well.
    Might go though her stuff and get my something "borrowed" from her. I've borrowed clothes/jewelry from her most of my life why should I stop on my wedding day lol   

    So use her cake cutting set!!



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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    edited July 20
    I have the cake knife from my wedding in my knife drawer. I have used it to cut birthday cakes for 30+ years to make it extra special. I offered it to my daughter for her wedding. She said, "Okay, as long as you will remember to collect it at the end of the reception and take it home, because I'm afraid I won't remember." I decided not to bother. They used a knife provided by their venue, nothing special. Maybe a FDIL might like it someday  or maybe it will be the birthday cake knife indefinitely. 

    I found my plastic bride and groom cake topper, the bride had a netting dress that had yellowed. I jokingly offered it to daughter, who rejected it. It was gross. I don't remember picking it out. I think the baker just included it with the cake.  I tossed it out, wondering why I had saved it for so long.

    I kept my 'bride and groo' (the m wore off), circa '70s champagne glasses, not the flute kind, but the kind that is shaped like Marquise Pomapdour's breasts. I threw those out right before my daughter's wedding. Didn't even ask  her.

    I offered her my grandmother's cameo ring, that I wore on my wedding day. My grandmother was my best friend. I adored her. She was my daughter's Godmother. The ring was too big for daughter's delicate fingers. She was afraid of losing it. She declined. NBD. I get to keep my little treasure for a bit longer.

    She wanted a pearl pendant and earring set that we picked out together and I gave to her as a shower gift.

    Is there a particular piece of jewelry you might like to borrow from your mom? Could you ask her to buy you something blue?

    TBH, all these little details will be insignificant a few months after your wedding. You will remember the surprising little things that you didn't plan.
                
    augustgirl21short+sassy
  • @MairePoppy love the idea of using cake cutting set as birthday cake knife!! Makes it more useful.

    My mom did have the center diamond of her 2nd upgrade made into a necklace. Very simple diamond pendant. I might consider borrowing that and wearing that since I don't have a necklace yet and I want something simple like that. I'll probably at least try it on with my dress at my next fitting to see.

    Thanks!!

     

    MairePoppyahoyweddingshort+sassyernursej
  • @MairePoppy love the idea of using cake cutting set as birthday cake knife!! Makes it more useful.

    My mom did have the center diamond of her 2nd upgrade made into a necklace. Very simple diamond pendant. I might consider borrowing that and wearing that since I don't have a necklace yet and I want something simple like that. I'll probably at least try it on with my dress at my next fitting to see.

    Thanks!!

    I borrowed my mom's pearls (hers were all white, my only pearls were one white strand and one black strand) as my something borrowed, so I obviously am pro-something borrowed. Hopefully she's flattered you want to borrow it, I hope it looks lovely with your dress and you go for it.
  • I don't think there is a way to tell your mother you don't want anything from her wedding without hurting her feelings. It sounds like you got a cake-cutting set from the tux rental place (if I'm reading that correctly?), so that's all you need to say when declining her offer.

    I would follow the decline up with a request to borrow something else instead. The diamond pendant sounds like a really lovely idea!

    short+sassy
  • ernursejernursej
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    I like the idea of borrowing the diamond necklace. Sounds like a perfect solution.
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