Invites and Paper

His...not Hers....the blended family problem

This is probably less complicated than I'm thinking it is, but here we go....

FBIL has been living with (and is now apparently married to, but that's a whole other story) his new love for sometime.  He is in the wedding and she is of course invited as she is now his wife.  Here lies the problem, how to address the invite....to include HIS two children but not HER three children.  We are strictly having nieces & nephews the only children; if I could get away with have absolutely no children, I'd prefer that but with FI having 9 nieces & nephews, I'm not even trying to fight that battle.

Thanks for any input!
Met: 5/4/16
Dating: 6/21/16
Engaged: 3/20/17
Wedding: 2/24/18
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Re: His...not Hers....the blended family problem

  • This is a recipe for disaster. Invite all the children. 
    ahoyweddingernursejSP29OurWildKingdom
  • apollymiapollymi Toronto
    100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    I agree with PPs. As somebody who was the only one out of my family not invited to a family friends wedding last year (half brother, mom were invited) I can say first hand it's an awkward, and pretty hurtful position to be in.

    Now that they're married, those are his kids too. Splitting up families is not cool.
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Wow, that is so shitty and petty. Invite all children, or invite none. 


    image
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • divarhddivarhd
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
  • levioosa said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    And clearly it doesn't matter. You can't invite half a family. Especially just because they're not "blood related." That's fucked up. Way to introduce them to the family. 
    Exactly. I guess when I asked how often you've seen them I was thinking older kids may choose not to come, and a 14yo & 9yo could maybe stay home (or go to their father's), so you'd only have to accommodate a 1yo, which really isn't the end of the world.
    STARMOON44OurWildKingdom
  • divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    No.   It's not odd.  

    They're married now.   If you want to invite his kids you invite her kids.

    INVITE THEM. 


    STARMOON44InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • To add, I can tell you that there is NO way that this will go over well and your'e talking about doing this to an immediate family member.  

    This would get f-bombs flying out of me. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    If you don't know these people dont invite any of them. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited July 25
    It's 3 extra people.     Do not make this more complicated than it needs to be. Just invite them.  Welcome them into the family.  For all you know they might not come because they are at their dad's house (assuming there is a relationship).   








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    InLoveInQueensMairePoppyOurWildKingdom
  • divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    If you don't know these people dont invite any of them. 
    But then she'd also have to not invite her BIL, since these people are now his family. Which, if they're not close, is alright but one would think there'd have to be a decent amount of family drama to exclude a sibling.
    ILoveBeachMusicInLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    If you don't know these people dont invite any of them. 
    But then she'd also have to not invite her BIL, since these people are now his family. Which, if they're not close, is alright but one would think there'd have to be a decent amount of family drama to exclude a sibling.
    BIL is in the wedding.  So, yeah.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    If you don't know these people dont invite any of them. 
    But then she'd also have to not invite her BIL, since these people are now his family. Which, if they're not close, is alright but one would think there'd have to be a decent amount of family drama to exclude a sibling.
    BIL is in the wedding.  So, yeah.
    Whoops, I totally missed that! Then yeah, not inviting his spouse & all of their children isn't an option. Best bet is to hope the oldest ones want to stay home.
  • ernursejernursej
    Tenth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I would invite them and think of it as an opportunity to start the process of getting to know them. Everyone should be happy which will make conversation easy. Extend the olive branch and deal with whatever children end up coming. Like PPs have said, it might just be the 1 y/o.
    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMommollybarker11OurWildKingdom
  • lyndausvi said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    If you don't know these people dont invite any of them. 
    But then she'd also have to not invite her BIL, since these people are now his family. Which, if they're not close, is alright but one would think there'd have to be a decent amount of family drama to exclude a sibling.
    BIL is in the wedding.  So, yeah.
    I totally missed that. But yeah, they didn't even know this dude even got married? Maybe he shouldn't be in The wedding party!
    InLoveInQueens
  • CraftyGCraftyG
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
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    If you don't invite them to the wedding this could be a major slap in the face and you're putting BIL in a really awkward position, he could decide not to come to the wedding if his children aren't invited. Invite them but maybe mention to BIL that you don't want them to feel awkward because they don't know anyone so it's absolutely fine if they don't come and he can bring a slice of cake home for them. Or even invite them all out for the day so you can get to know them and break the ice.
  • divarhddivarhd
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    banana468 said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    No.   It's not odd.  

    They're married now.   If you want to invite his kids you invite her kids.

    INVITE THEM. 


    Yes, actually, it IS odd.  Who gets married and doesn't tell their family?  At all?  Topper....she's pregnant.  Maybe that's why they didn't tell anyone they got married, who knows!  And a PP also called me petty for asking about this.  Excuse me for asking for guidance from the community who has been through this before.  Our guest list was finalized before we even knew about the new SIL and her kids and WE are not paying for our wedding, my parents are.  So again, excuse me for seeking guidance and not wanting to cost my parents MORE money for a group of kids that none of us even know.  Including my FI two other brothers and his parents.  I do appreciate everyone's input and I'm still trying to figure this out.  Thankfully, there is plenty of time before I have to order and send invitations.  My hope is between now & then we'll HAVE the opportunity to meet and get to know SIL & her kids.  Trust me when I say, his family is more complicated than is needed for this particular board and FMIL is part of the problem.
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
  • divarhd said:
    banana468 said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    No.   It's not odd.  

    They're married now.   If you want to invite his kids you invite her kids.

    INVITE THEM. 


    Yes, actually, it IS odd.  Who gets married and doesn't tell their family?  At all?  Topper....she's pregnant.  Maybe that's why they didn't tell anyone they got married, who knows!  And a PP also called me petty for asking about this.  Excuse me for asking for guidance from the community who has been through this before.  Our guest list was finalized before we even knew about the new SIL and her kids and WE are not paying for our wedding, my parents are.  So again, excuse me for seeking guidance and not wanting to cost my parents MORE money for a group of kids that none of us even know.  Including my FI two other brothers and his parents.  I do appreciate everyone's input and I'm still trying to figure this out.  Thankfully, there is plenty of time before I have to order and send invitations.  My hope is between now & then we'll HAVE the opportunity to meet and get to know SIL & her kids.  Trust me when I say, his family is more complicated than is needed for this particular board and FMIL is part of the problem.
    Even if your BIL was dating his now-wife, she should have been included in your headcount. If you guys knew she had children, the polite thing would have been to include them from the beginning as well. If you just found out she had children...well, yeah it's really weird your BIL didn't say anything and he's kind of put you guys in an awkward spot. But this woman and her children will be your family, and it's likely you're going to see them again in the future. It might be nice to start off on a good note and just invite them. Like I said before, if the older children don't know any of your FI's family, they may choose to not come anyway. 
    InLoveInQueensmollybarker11OurWildKingdom
  • divarhddivarhd
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    MobKaz said:
    divarhd said:
    banana468 said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    No.   It's not odd.  

    They're married now.   If you want to invite his kids you invite her kids.

    INVITE THEM. 


    Yes, actually, it IS odd.  Who gets married and doesn't tell their family?  At all?  Topper....she's pregnant.  Maybe that's why they didn't tell anyone they got married, who knows!  And a PP also called me petty for asking about this.  Excuse me for asking for guidance from the community who has been through this before.  Our guest list was finalized before we even knew about the new SIL and her kids and WE are not paying for our wedding, my parents are.  So again, excuse me for seeking guidance and not wanting to cost my parents MORE money for a group of kids that none of us even know.  Including my FI two other brothers and his parents.  I do appreciate everyone's input and I'm still trying to figure this out.  Thankfully, there is plenty of time before I have to order and send invitations.  My hope is between now & then we'll HAVE the opportunity to meet and get to know SIL & her kids.  Trust me when I say, his family is more complicated than is needed for this particular board and FMIL is part of the problem.
    Once your BIL married, this "group of kids" became your step nieces/nephews.  Although you have yet to meet them, you need to reset your mindset that these children are now family.
    It isn't just ME, it's FIs entire family.  Like we know about them but they're a dirty little secret he's keeping or something. 
    banana468 said:
    divarhd said:
    banana468 said:
    divarhd said:
    We've seen her exactly once.  Her kids, we're guessing for what one of FBIL daughter's has said, are 1ish, 9ish and 14ish.  Never met them.  No one knew they got married.  One of his daughters said something to her mother and her mother told FMIL.  FMIL told the world.  Clearly its an odd situation. 
    No.   It's not odd.  

    They're married now.   If you want to invite his kids you invite her kids.

    INVITE THEM. 


    Yes, actually, it IS odd.  Who gets married and doesn't tell their family?  At all?  Topper....she's pregnant.  Maybe that's why they didn't tell anyone they got married, who knows!  And a PP also called me petty for asking about this.  Excuse me for asking for guidance from the community who has been through this before.  Our guest list was finalized before we even knew about the new SIL and her kids and WE are not paying for our wedding, my parents are.  So again, excuse me for seeking guidance and not wanting to cost my parents MORE money for a group of kids that none of us even know.  Including my FI two other brothers and his parents.  I do appreciate everyone's input and I'm still trying to figure this out.  Thankfully, there is plenty of time before I have to order and send invitations.  My hope is between now & then we'll HAVE the opportunity to meet and get to know SIL & her kids.  Trust me when I say, his family is more complicated than is needed for this particular board and FMIL is part of the problem.
    Lose the defensive attitude.  It makes you look like a sanctimonious princess. 


    What is there to figure out?   You either add the three kids or you invite no kids.  Otherwise, your actions will speak far louder than anything else.   This is your BIL's wife and mother of his unborn child.  To split their kids into the "blood vs. step" is the kind of stuff that you see evil villains do in Disney Cartoons when it's plainly clear who the bad guy is.   

    Based on what you said, your BIL may do things in an unconventional manner.  He may be impetuous and he may not do things that are traditional.   It does not matter.   These are his step children and this woman is his wife.   You can either invite the two of them as one social unit or ALL members of their household together.  You can't start to split the offspring. 

    Pay for them out of pocket if you think that this will break your parents budget.   Take something out of your life that you were budgeting for and put it towards their meals.   This is just not that hard.   Besides, you don't even know that they'll accept the invitation.  Don't bring your parents into this.   I assume you're a grown woman getting married.   I am assuming that feeding three kids ONE meal is something that YOU can do out of the goodness of YOUR bank account.   

    I don't care if you meet them before the wedding or not.   I don't care if they decline your invitation.   I don't care if you opt to love them so much you add onto your house so all them can move in.   If you don't invite them all because they're not related to your BIL by blood you will be drawing a line in the sand that will cause major issues that last far beyond your wedding. 

    DO NOT BE THAT BRIDE.    


    You sound like FMIL who is the root of all the issues.  The control freak barking orders who has to have it all her way.  I asked for guidance, not ridicule and name calling.  I thought that was frowned upon around here?
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
  • edited July 26
    apollymi said:
    Be the bigger person. Put all the things they did and their business aside. With just the situation at hand in front of you hopefully you can logically see that excluding half a family is ridiculous. 

    The kids did not ask to be part of a secret marriage, or a set of lies, or to be brought into a tough family situation. They are young, and probably very nervous to be thrown into all this. Imagine the effect on their emotional state, when a wedding invitation arrives from their new family, which makes it perfectly clear that they are not accepted and not wanted. A 9 and 14 year old will get that, loud and clear.

    Think of the children.

    This. Regardless of if you've met them or not, these kids are a part of your family now. Is this really how you want to treat them? They're KIDS. Invite them, be courteous, and welcome them to the family. They had no part in any of this drama.
    I feel so bad for those kids, if OP doesn't take all of PPs advice and still decide to cut her new BIL's family in half and exclude 3 kids who have nothing to do with their hush-hush marriage. Even if they do decide to be the bigger people and include these kids, you just know they're going to be pissed about it. I hope they don't take it out on the kids, they don't deserve it.

    I wish I could remember the details of the post this reminds me of (hint hint help a girl out! not the one that's currently making people nauseous in Wedding Party), the woman posted about her soon-to-be-step daughter and you could just smell the disdain for this kid through the computer. She was just so awful about an innocent child who did nothing but be born and she was aiming to beat Cinderella's stepmother for worst stepmother of the year award.
    banana468MairePoppyOurWildKingdom
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