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Etiquette

Addressing save the dates

So I have to send out my STDs and I'm following these rules:
  • TO A MARRIED COUPLE:Mr. and Mrs. Walter Stuart Brown
  • TO A MARRIED COUPLE WITH CHILDREN UNDER EIGHTEEN:Mr. and Mrs. Walter Stuart Brown
    Jane and Paul Brown
  • TO AN UNMARRIED COUPLE AT THE SAME ADDRESS receive one invitation with names written on separate lines in alphabetical order.Miss (or Ms.) Emily Jones
    Mr. Williams
  • TO A SINGLE WOMAN (PLEASE NOTE: on a formal invitation, Miss is used for an unmarried woman under 21, Ms. for an unmarried woman 21 or over.)Miss (or Ms.) Emily Jones
  • TO A SINGLE MAN
    Mr. John Williams
  • TO A WIDOW, OR A SEPARATED WOMAN
    Mrs. Walter Stuart Brown
  • TO A DIVORCEE WHO IS STILL USING HER FORMER HUSBAND’S NAME
    Mrs. (or Ms.) Smith Robertson or Mrs. (or Ms.) Barbara Smith Robertson (Smith being her maiden name)
  • TO A MARRIED COUPLE WHEN THE WIFE USES HER MAIDEN NAME
    Ms. Emily Jones and Mr. John Williams (Both names are on the same line)
  • TO A SINGLE MAN OR WOMAN AND GUEST
    Mr. Williams and Guest
  • TO A MARRIED COUPLE, BOTH DOCTORS
    The Doctors Williams
  • TO A MARRIED COUPLE, WIFE IS A DOCTOR
    Doctor Emily Jones and Mr. John Williams (She kept her maiden name) or Doctor Emily Williams and Mr. John Williams
  • CHILDREN OVER AGE EIGHTEEN each receive his or her own invitation
  • OTHER ADULT RELATIVES WHO RESIDE IN THE HOUSEHOLD should each receive his or her own invitation
Are these correct for STD? I was going to address Parents, adult children living at home on one STD as "Parents, and family" and then more formally on the invite. Also, divorced people are confusing me. Is it Mrs. Jane formerhusbandslastname or Ms. Jane formerhusbandslastname? I also have a Ms. Tracy kepthermaidennamebutismarried to a Mr John Smith. 

I hope I am not doing this wrong. It seemed pretty straight forward until I started.
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Re: Addressing save the dates

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Save the Dates don't need to be addressed with the same formality as the actual invitation.  What you have in your post looks good ( @CMGragain is the ninja at this ), but I'd drop the "Mr. and Mrs." unless you feel like you need to address them as such.  Heck (and this may not be totally kosher), I addressed a few STDs to "Aunt Sue and Uncle John Smith".  

    Regarding the divorced people, I suggest asking her how she prefers to be formally addressed.



    Anniversary
    Knottie737c32aade6d0ff7short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • Ok. I was having a little meltdown for a moment. I was hoping they could be less formal, since I have a bit less space to write in than an envelope.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2017
    STDs are informal by nature, so you can follow that with your addressing.

    I would still be careful with "and family" though. "Family" can be confusing as some people consider that only who lives in the household, while others may think they can invite their extended family along too. You can still keep it informal though with:
    John and Sue
    Stephanie, Josh and Billy.

    As for your guest who is divorced- ask her how she would prefer to be addressed. If she has kept her ex-husband's name, it would be Ms. Tracy exhusbandslastname (Mrs. would be ex husbands new wife- if he remarries). If you have someone who is married and kept their maiden name, it would be Ms. Susan keptherlastname, as Mrs. keptherlastname doesn't match with the husband's name (you know, all that patriarchy business).
    ahoyweddingernursejInLoveInQueens
  • In case anyone runs into the same thing as me:  address to a Judge:

    The Honorable John Smith

    ;)
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 2/24/18
    short+sassySP29
  • Yep, the "and family" can be confusing and in some cases can be abused. Just list the names of everyone invited.

    I also had a few adult cousins living at home and sent some of them their own STD (they had planned to move out soon), but included some of them on the STD with their parents (their families would think I was nuts if I sent 4 cards to the same house).

    Also, personal pet peeve, but I loathe Mr. & Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. If you're not sure how your married friends prefer to be addressed, you can ask them. I also didn't put Mr. & Mrs. on STDs. 
    southernbelle0915bookmaiden17_LadyCatherineDB
  • ernursej said:
    I hate being addressed as Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. I would always prefer Mrs. My First Name MarriedLastName. Double check with your guests and you will always get it right.
    I don't think its reasonable to ask every guest how they want to be formally addressed. That's why there's rules. If you took you husband's name when you got married, then like it or not it's appropriate to be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName on an envelope. Now, personally, I hate this and I don't use it when I'm addressing envelopes whether it's "correct" or not. I'd rather break the etiquette rules than do this, personally. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong for others to follow the rules.

    I didn't change my name. So I can never be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName.  
  • MandyMost said:
    ernursej said:
    I hate being addressed as Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. I would always prefer Mrs. My First Name MarriedLastName. Double check with your guests and you will always get it right.
    I don't think its reasonable to ask every guest how they want to be formally addressed. That's why there's rules. If you took you husband's name when you got married, then like it or not it's appropriate to be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName on an envelope. Now, personally, I hate this and I don't use it when I'm addressing envelopes whether it's "correct" or not. I'd rather break the etiquette rules than do this, personally. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong for others to follow the rules.

    I didn't change my name. So I can never be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName.  
    How is that unreasonable? If you don't know, for younger guests, you could default to listing both first names. I had a few cousins I wasn't sure if they changed their name yet or how they preferred to be addressed, and that issue was resolved in two text messages. 

    And even if you didn't change your name, I guarantee you you're to get something, sometime addressed to Mrs. HusbandsLastName.
    ernursej
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    If you are inviting 200 people to a wedding, it could  be unreasonable to contact everyone to ask their preference. I agree that rules are there for a reason. If you don't want to follow them, that's ok. I think people shouldn't get up in arms about being addressed in a way they don't prefer. If you are having a conversation with a person you can correct them but otherwise let it slide.
    SP29
  • Be very careful about sending STDs to everyone on your invitation list.  i would recommend sending them only to your VIP guests.  You may need to change a few guests, and once you have sent them an STD, you must also send them an invitation.  We see many brides who have regretted sending some STDs.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    eileenrobsouthernbelle0915
  • divarhd said:
    In case anyone runs into the same thing as me:  address to a Judge:

    The Honorable John Smith

    ;)
    You can also abbreviate it Hon. John Smith, if you so choose :D

    ernursej said:
    I hate being addressed as Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. I would always prefer Mrs. My First Name MarriedLastName. Double check with your guests and you will always get it right.



    SITB

    It's been hashed and rehashed a thousand times but that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I have told friends and family that I hate it but still get invitations addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Last. I really hope that dies out before I die out, I'd love to be addressed by my actual name.
    ahoyweddingMyNameIsNoternursejeileenrob
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    If you are inviting 200 people to a wedding, it could  be unreasonable to contact everyone to ask their preference. I agree that rules are there for a reason. If you don't want to follow them, that's ok. I think people shouldn't get up in arms about being addressed in a way they don't prefer. If you are having a conversation with a person you can correct them but otherwise let it slide.
    We had this same conversation on a different thread, not that long ago. I think the consensus ended up being that yes, the traditional listing is the mr. & mrs. hisname. Most people said they wouldn't lose sleep over it. But it also came up that tradition/customs are changing, so etiquette should keep up with that. The majority of guests aren't going to care one way or the other, but it does take an extra step towards showing you value that relationship by clarifying. It kind of goes along with assuming every married woman changed her name, etc. And it's not like you'd have to ask every single guest...there are likely going to be some single guests, dating couples, etc where the addressing would be straight forward. I did ask a few people, and it took all of about 3 minutes.  
    Yes, I know this conversation was had on a different thread. Just reiterated my two cents. Also, OP might not have seen that thread.

    Asking a few people is different then asking everyone on the list. For singles, should you ask if they prefer to be Miss or Ms. or neither?  I don't think asking or not asking reflects on how a relationship is valued. I've never been asked how I prefer to be addressed. I get mail all different ways. I don't think a person values me less by not contacting me and asking. If I felt strongly about it (which I don't) I would politely correct the sender. I can understand being upset after correcting someone several times.
  • If you are inviting 200 people to a wedding, it could  be unreasonable to contact everyone to ask their preference. I agree that rules are there for a reason. If you don't want to follow them, that's ok. I think people shouldn't get up in arms about being addressed in a way they don't prefer. If you are having a conversation with a person you can correct them but otherwise let it slide.
    We had this same conversation on a different thread, not that long ago. I think the consensus ended up being that yes, the traditional listing is the mr. & mrs. hisname. Most people said they wouldn't lose sleep over it. But it also came up that tradition/customs are changing, so etiquette should keep up with that. The majority of guests aren't going to care one way or the other, but it does take an extra step towards showing you value that relationship by clarifying. It kind of goes along with assuming every married woman changed her name, etc. And it's not like you'd have to ask every single guest...there are likely going to be some single guests, dating couples, etc where the addressing would be straight forward. I did ask a few people, and it took all of about 3 minutes.  
    Yes, I know this conversation was had on a different thread. Just reiterated my two cents. Also, OP might not have seen that thread.

    Asking a few people is different then asking everyone on the list. For singles, should you ask if they prefer to be Miss or Ms. or neither?  I don't think asking or not asking reflects on how a relationship is valued. I've never been asked how I prefer to be addressed. I get mail all different ways. I don't think a person values me less by not contacting me and asking. If I felt strongly about it (which I don't) I would politely correct the sender. I can understand being upset after correcting someone several times.
    I guess my take on it was this: most of my friends know I'm a pretty big feminist, and I would hope they wouldn't just assume I'd want to be addressed by my husband's first and last name (see southernbelle's post above re: property, etc). I wouldn't be upset if someone didn't ask, but I would think it was extra nice if they did, knowing what they know about me. I didn't list anyone as Mr. & Mrs. HisName. I've not heard a single one of my female family members refer to herself as such, and most of FI's aunts kept their maiden names. I reached out to friends or family members I wasn't sure changed their name, to make sure I had that correct.

    I also have friends and family members who I know don't give a crap, and I didn't worry about how to address theirs. (I addressed all single women as Ms.). Maybe you fall into this group, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

    We can drive ourselves up a wall trying to accommodate everyone. Until etiquette and customs catch up with societal progress, there will be situations like this where there's maybe not a totally wrong answer. I chose to give my guests that preference, and I'm just speaking from experience when I say it wasn't a gigantic hassle on my end.
    MyNameIsNotInLoveInQueensernursejshort+sassy
  • Thanks for the replies! I've been asking a few people (Ms. Keptherlastname was one) and have decided to wing it for now and get my ducks in a row for invitation time. We do have close to 150 people to invite (some of which I do not have contact for-- mom's friends for example) so it may be difficult for me to contact everyone and see how they want to be referred to but I will try. 
    ahoywedding
  • MandyMost said:
    ernursej said:
    I hate being addressed as Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. I would always prefer Mrs. My First Name MarriedLastName. Double check with your guests and you will always get it right.
    I don't think its reasonable to ask every guest how they want to be formally addressed. That's why there's rules. If you took you husband's name when you got married, then like it or not it's appropriate to be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName on an envelope. Now, personally, I hate this and I don't use it when I'm addressing envelopes whether it's "correct" or not. I'd rather break the etiquette rules than do this, personally. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong for others to follow the rules.

    I didn't change my name. So I can never be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName.  

    If one doesn't find it reasonable to ask, one shouldn't invite so many guests. It doesn't take more than an additional sentence when requesting addresses to ask "and how would you prefer to be addressed?". I did that with anyone who I hadn't received correspondence with and I received a few compliments for my attention to detail. Worth the extra sentence.
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • ernursej said:
    MandyMost said:
    ernursej said:
    I hate being addressed as Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. I would always prefer Mrs. My First Name MarriedLastName. Double check with your guests and you will always get it right.
    I don't think its reasonable to ask every guest how they want to be formally addressed. That's why there's rules. If you took you husband's name when you got married, then like it or not it's appropriate to be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName on an envelope. Now, personally, I hate this and I don't use it when I'm addressing envelopes whether it's "correct" or not. I'd rather break the etiquette rules than do this, personally. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong for others to follow the rules.

    I didn't change my name. So I can never be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName.  

    If one doesn't find it reasonable to ask, one shouldn't invite so many guests. It doesn't take more than an additional sentence when requesting addresses to ask "and how would you prefer to be addressed?". I did that with anyone who I hadn't received correspondence with and I received a few compliments for my attention to detail. Worth the extra sentence.
    If you don't know someone's name you should absolutely ask. That's different than asking what formal title they prefer. The rules/titles are there specifically to make things uniform. And no one should be offended if you are addressing them by their name with the title that traditionally goes with their name and status, even if that is not their favorite way of being addressed. It's still technically correct and within the etiquette rules for formal titles. 

    Also, I had nearly all of my guests addresses before the wedding, so I didn't need to contact them about that. I did contact a few guests to find out their official names (primarily if they changed their names when they got married, but I also had to ask for the full name of a few SOs where I only knew nicknames). 
    ILoveBeachMusic
  • MandyMost said:
    ernursej said:
    MandyMost said:
    ernursej said:
    I hate being addressed as Mrs. Husband's Firstname Lastname. I would always prefer Mrs. My First Name MarriedLastName. Double check with your guests and you will always get it right.
    I don't think its reasonable to ask every guest how they want to be formally addressed. That's why there's rules. If you took you husband's name when you got married, then like it or not it's appropriate to be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName on an envelope. Now, personally, I hate this and I don't use it when I'm addressing envelopes whether it's "correct" or not. I'd rather break the etiquette rules than do this, personally. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong for others to follow the rules.

    I didn't change my name. So I can never be called Mrs. HusbandsFirst LastName.  

    If one doesn't find it reasonable to ask, one shouldn't invite so many guests. It doesn't take more than an additional sentence when requesting addresses to ask "and how would you prefer to be addressed?". I did that with anyone who I hadn't received correspondence with and I received a few compliments for my attention to detail. Worth the extra sentence.
    If you don't know someone's name you should absolutely ask. That's different than asking what formal title they prefer. The rules/titles are there specifically to make things uniform. And no one should be offended if you are addressing them by their name with the title that traditionally goes with their name and status, even if that is not their favorite way of being addressed. It's still technically correct and within the etiquette rules for formal titles. 

    Also, I had nearly all of my guests addresses before the wedding, so I didn't need to contact them about that. I did contact a few guests to find out their official names (primarily if they changed their names when they got married, but I also had to ask for the full name of a few SOs where I only knew nicknames). 

    It may be etiquette approved to do traditional titles but I think things are starting to change and a little extra work goes a long way to making guests happy. Every time I receive a piece of mail that isn't addressed the way I like, I let the sender know. My friend just called me the other day to double check for her wedding invites and it was really appreciated. She already had my address and would have received the thank you note that I sent with my new married name on the return address area. It was nice that even though she had those pieces, she still checked.
  • If I had any guests that were not cis or hetereosexual I would absolutely ask them how they preferred to be addressed. It's really just my moms friends. She provided me with names and said she will get addresses and send them. She hasnt been the best with advice as far as etiquette goes, which is why I am concerned about addressing (mostly her friends) and some relatives as the typical Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. She also refuses to let me contact them myself, and says to address it the way she says because that is standard. So its only a few people I'm in a tough spot with.
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    ellamber said:
    If I had any guests that were not cis or hetereosexual I would absolutely ask them how they preferred to be addressed. It's really just my moms friends. She provided me with names and said she will get addresses and send them. She hasnt been the best with advice as far as etiquette goes, which is why I am concerned about addressing (mostly her friends) and some relatives as the typical Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. She also refuses to let me contact them myself, and says to address it the way she says because that is standard. So its only a few people I'm in a tough spot with.
    I don't understand why she won't let you contact her friends herself. Just assume she knows how her friends wish to be addressed. There isn't much else you can do.
    short+sassy
  • ellamber said:
    If I had any guests that were not cis or hetereosexual I would absolutely ask them how they preferred to be addressed. It's really just my moms friends. She provided me with names and said she will get addresses and send them. She hasnt been the best with advice as far as etiquette goes, which is why I am concerned about addressing (mostly her friends) and some relatives as the typical Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. She also refuses to let me contact them myself, and says to address it the way she says because that is standard. So its only a few people I'm in a tough spot with.
    Who's paying? If she's not paying, then she can either get you the addresses or her friends aren't invited. Very simple. If she IS paying, then you don't have a ton of control over what she wants to do with her friends and a party she's paying for.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    ellamber said:
    Thanks for the replies! I've been asking a few people (Ms. Keptherlastname was one) and have decided to wing it for now and get my ducks in a row for invitation time. We do have close to 150 people to invite (some of which I do not have contact for-- mom's friends for example) so it may be difficult for me to contact everyone and see how they want to be referred to but I will try. 
    In that case, you must pay close attention to how others sign their names on congrats cards and other communications. Make sure you update your contact list. I detest being addressed as Mrs. James Poppy, however I don't take offense the first time, since it's traditional. If I have sent and signed a card, I hope you will honor my preference. 
                
    InLoveInQueensJediElizabeth
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If anyone is interested, Miss Manners addressed this issue a few days ago. 

    DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I decided to hyphenate our names when we were married. However, people still address me, both in person and in writing, as “Emily Jones” or “Mrs. John Jones,” even though my preferred title is “Ms. Smith-Jones.”

    When this happens, I usually smile and say “Actually, it’s Smith-Jones.” Most people apologize and immediately begin using the correct name from that point forward, but some continue to refer to both me and my husband as “The Jones Family” or “Mr. and Mrs. Jones.”

    What can I say or do to get people to call me by my name?

    GENTLE READER: Not much. Miss Manners advises that you accept that these people are either forgetful, or are slaves to the patriarchy and trying to keep you down. (She suspects that you have concluded the latter, and cautions you against invoking any subtext or smugness in that initial, smiling correction.)

    In any case, pressing the matter beyond your smiling correction is likely to result in an unpleasant and ultimately futile conversation.

    There are so many possible name combinations in modern-day use that it is difficult to keep track. And while that does not mean that we should not all still make the effort, slip-ups should be forgiven, probably ignored and definitely excused without taking offense. So introduce yourself and sign your preferred name, but resist correcting anyone more than once.

    http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2017/7/20/assume-a-lack-of-malice-when

  • ellamber said:
    Thanks for the replies! I've been asking a few people (Ms. Keptherlastname was one) and have decided to wing it for now and get my ducks in a row for invitation time. We do have close to 150 people to invite (some of which I do not have contact for-- mom's friends for example) so it may be difficult for me to contact everyone and see how they want to be referred to but I will try. 
    In that case, you must pay close attention to how others sign their names on congrats cards and other communications. Make sure you update your contact list. I detest being addressed as Mrs. James Poppy, however I don't take offense the first time, since it's traditional. If I have sent and signed a card, I hope you will honor my preference. 


    SITB


    I received multiple wedding invitations addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast and I use the RSVP card to let them know we are Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst & Myfirst Last. We still get to weddings with the placecard set as "Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. It's so frustrating, I wish they would just use only first names, honestly.
    MairePoppyernursej
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited July 2017
    I have a uniquely spelled name,  so I hate it when my name is misspelled.  That bugs me more than titles.   



    Anniversary
    charlotte989875
  • For the record, myself and my mom are paying. She's also just difficult at times and wants things her way, hence not giving me contact information. I'm not THAT worried about it, but wanted to double check that the rules i found on google would be good to follow in the event I couldn't contact someone and ask what they prefer.
  • I have a uniquely spelled name,  so I hate it when my name is misspelled.  That bugs me more than titles.   
    You know what, my first name is a unique of an even more uncommon name. I'm going to pretend that I'm being addressed by my husbands name to avoid them misspelling my name (even though these people addressing me as Mrs. husband are friends I've had since elementary school and family members).
    MairePoppysouthernbelle0915
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