Wedding Woes

Should I have walked out on the racist nail lady?

Dear Prudence,
Recently I was at a nail salon getting a manicure from a pleasant woman. She told me about her life, her family, and her adjustment to life here in the U.S. since she arrived from Vietnam. She told me she had recently moved from an apartment into a house with her family and how great it was there. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and mouthed “No blacks.” (I’m white.) I was shocked. There were multiple black customers around me in the store, but I don’t think any of them heard. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I didn’t in any way affirm what she said, but I also didn’t challenge her. What should I have done?

—Sorry I Tipped First

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Re: Should I have walked out on the racist nail lady?

  • Left and never go back?
  • Left and never go back?
    Prudie says she should have said "that's racist" and walked out with half-done nails.  
  • Agree, get up and walk outta there, half done nails and all. Or at least call her out on it.
  • I would have said "That's offensive" or something like "I completely disagree with that thought and find that incredibly rude/offensive"

    Or say something like "what do you mean?" that way she has to explain why she's racist.
    That's my favorite! 
  • I would have said "That's offensive" or something like "I completely disagree with that thought and find that incredibly rude/offensive"

    Or say something like "what do you mean?" that way she has to explain why she's racist.
    That's my favorite! 
    I'd be lying if I said I thought of it myself lol! I saw a post somewhere about when a guy makes a sexist remark {like about woman making a sandwich} and just ask what he means, he has to explain and probably won't be able to :) And then somehow get him to make a sandwich for you lol
  • I would have said "That's offensive" or something like "I completely disagree with that thought and find that incredibly rude/offensive"

    Or say something like "what do you mean?" that way she has to explain why she's racist.
    That's my favorite! 
    I'd be lying if I said I thought of it myself lol! I saw a post somewhere about when a guy makes a sexist remark {like about woman making a sandwich} and just ask what he means, he has to explain and probably won't be able to :) And then somehow get him to make a sandwich for you lol
    I had a customer say something really rude, but kind of under his breath. I heard him clearly, though. I cocked my head to the side a bit and said, "I'm sorry, what was that?" He just kind of stammered before he left looking shocked.
  • I'll be honest, I wouldn't walk out with half done nails.  But I would definitely say something akin to @MissKittyDanger's examples.  At the same time, I would also avoid saying the specific race she was discriminating against.  Not for her benefit, but I wouldn't want the customers of that race to feel bad.

    Sadly, I've been in this situation quite a few times.  It's definitely not the easiest thing to correct a coworker, friend, or almost total stranger.  I am always polite and voice my objection in a calm tone.  But I always voice my objection.  Every. Single. Time.  Because it surprises people and I hope makes them think more about their words and attitude.  It's the one small thing I can do to help fight the racism and discrimination that pervades our society.

    As an aside, the "assumption" those people are making about me is offensive.  Like, psstt...now that it's just us white folks...(insert negative stereotype about another group).  Because "you know what I mean".  No, no.  Please do not include me in your hate.

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  • I'll be honest, I wouldn't walk out with half done nails.  But I would definitely say something akin to @MissKittyDanger's examples.  At the same time, I would also avoid saying the specific race she was discriminating against.  Not for her benefit, but I wouldn't want the customers of that race to feel bad.

    Sadly, I've been in this situation quite a few times.  It's definitely not the easiest thing to correct a coworker, friend, or almost total stranger.  I am always polite and voice my objection in a calm tone.  But I always voice my objection.  Every. Single. Time.  Because it surprises people and I hope makes them think more about their words and attitude.  It's the one small thing I can do to help fight the racism and discrimination that pervades our society.

    As an aside, the "assumption" those people are making about me is offensive.  Like, psstt...now that it's just us white folks...(insert negative stereotype about another group).  Because "you know what I mean".  No, no.  Please do not include me in your hate.

    "No I don't. Please explain." Deadpan facial expression.
  • I would have said "That's offensive" or something like "I completely disagree with that thought and find that incredibly rude/offensive"

    Or say something like "what do you mean?" that way she has to explain why she's racist.
    That's my favorite! 
    I'd be lying if I said I thought of it myself lol! I saw a post somewhere about when a guy makes a sexist remark {like about woman making a sandwich} and just ask what he means, he has to explain and probably won't be able to :) And then somehow get him to make a sandwich for you lol
    I read this too, but it was in the context of rape jokes. Nothing makes a group of guys all yukking it over a rape joke more uncomfortable then when I asked them to explain it to me. 
    image
  • justsie said:
    I would have said "That's offensive" or something like "I completely disagree with that thought and find that incredibly rude/offensive"

    Or say something like "what do you mean?" that way she has to explain why she's racist.
    That's my favorite! 
    I'd be lying if I said I thought of it myself lol! I saw a post somewhere about when a guy makes a sexist remark {like about woman making a sandwich} and just ask what he means, he has to explain and probably won't be able to :) And then somehow get him to make a sandwich for you lol
    I read this too, but it was in the context of rape jokes. Nothing makes a group of guys all yukking it over a rape joke more uncomfortable then when I asked them to explain it to me. 


    Good point!  I'm the kill joy with the serious expression on my face that says, "I don't understand how the violent crime of rape is funny.  Or (if a joke about physical abuse).  I don't understand how brutally beating someone is funny."

    On a more specific rant, it pisses me off every time I see Mike Tyson joking it up on a Comedy Central Roast and now has his own cartoon.  He beat his wife throughout their marriage and went to prison for raping a teenager.  Why isn't he a pariah?  Who are all these people celebrating him?

    Whoops, I'm sorry.  I forgot we elected a President who thinks one of the "perks" of being a rich guy is sexually assaulting women.

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  • kaos16kaos16 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    Certainly not making excuses for the nail lady, but could her comment come from a cultural difference?  If she is recently from Vietnam would that have any bearing on why she might make a statement like that?

    Feel free to bash me for even asking. . . . .

  • And this is why I hate small talk with strangers. 
    I'm not walking out with half-done nails that I paid for though. Not being a confrontational person, I would have been more likely to give her a blank stare at the comment and stop responding to any of her chit chat. 
    And then, when I get home, either write to the company or post a Yelp review. 
    ________________________________


  • kaos16 said:

    Certainly not making excuses for the nail lady, but could her comment come from a cultural difference?  If she is recently from Vietnam would that have any bearing on why she might make a statement like that?

    Feel free to bash me for even asking. . . . .

    honestly, i had the same thought, which is why i wouldn't just walk out. 

    i may have said " i don't get it" or just ignored it, and not gone back - but i would assume there are some cultural differences at play as well. 

    our neighborhood is fairly diverse, so that type of attitude wouldn't work well in a small local business. 


  • kaos16 said:

    Certainly not making excuses for the nail lady, but could her comment come from a cultural difference?  If she is recently from Vietnam would that have any bearing on why she might make a statement like that?

    Feel free to bash me for even asking. . . . .

    I thought the same thing. Not that it's an excuse by any means, but I would probably deal with it by telling her I was personally offended by it and I wouldn't go back to that salon. I'd probably also call during a slow time and tell the manager about it. I don't think I'd walk out in a huff with half done nails...usually you pay for nails AFTER your service, so this would imply that you'd leave without paying. Just not something I'd do.
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  • I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 
  • *Barbie* said:
    kaos16 said:

    Certainly not making excuses for the nail lady, but could her comment come from a cultural difference?  If she is recently from Vietnam would that have any bearing on why she might make a statement like that?

    Feel free to bash me for even asking. . . . .

    honestly, i had the same thought, which is why i wouldn't just walk out. 

    i may have said " i don't get it" or just ignored it, and not gone back - but i would assume there are some cultural differences at play as well. 

    our neighborhood is fairly diverse, so that type of attitude wouldn't work well in a small local business. 


    I believe it is South Korean (but I could be wrong) where skin lightener is immensely popular because the beauty ideal is pasty, pasty white.  I have no idea if Thailand also shares a similar idea of what beauty is, but if that is the case, then I would think anyone who has darker skin (which would include people with a deep tan) might be thought less of.  Definitely not okay still, but that might be the cultural difference.  Though I can see North America starting to think less of people with orange skin now that we see how they act (cough*Trump*cough).
    I think I would try to have a conversation with her about this.  Being confrontational might scare her off and keep her rooted in her racist ideas, but having an honest talk and mentioning that good neighbours are regardless of colour might make a difference.  It really depends on the person.

  • I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 

    While I agree on not patronizing businesses that are probably not following labor laws, that has never been my impression from any nail salon I have gone to.  In fact, while I don't know this for sure, I've always assumed they work similarly to a hair salon.  Where a practitioner usually rents a "spot" in the salon and are essentially their own small business within a business.

    As a white woman myself, I will utilize whatever legal businesses I want.  Personal services or not and feel zero guilt about it.  If a person makes a racial comment at any said business, even if they are a minority and/or immigrant themselves.  YEAH, I'll say something.  And it isn't a pot/kettle situation because there is nothing racist about purchasing services that a person or company is selling.

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  • edited July 2017
    I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 
    One of my favourite places to get my nails and eyebrows done is run by an Asian lady. I have been to different places, but honestly I continue to go back to the typical place because the lady is very good to me, professional and the place is clean.
    I have looked up labour laws - to ensure everything was okay there - and I couldn't find anything weird.
    End of the day, I will continue to go to that place because of their customer service aspect.

    *edit: for reference, I say "Asian" because I'm not sure where abouts they are from and don't want to assume
  • I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 

    While I agree on not patronizing businesses that are probably not following labor laws, that has never been my impression from any nail salon I have gone to.  In fact, while I don't know this for sure, I've always assumed they work similarly to a hair salon.  Where a practitioner usually rents a "spot" in the salon and are essentially their own small business within a business.

    As a white woman myself, I will utilize whatever legal businesses I want.  Personal services or not and feel zero guilt about it.  If a person makes a racial comment at any said business, even if they are a minority and/or immigrant themselves.  YEAH, I'll say something.  And it isn't a pot/kettle situation because there is nothing racist about purchasing services that a person or company is selling.

    There was a pretty huge story a year or so ago about how nail techs in NY are basically treated as slaves by salon owners and the fact that nail techs basically don't get paid if they don't turn over enough business.  Mani/pedis in NYC are (were?) apparently dirt cheap (like $20 for both services, it's twice that for a basic mani/pedi here and $60+ for gel).  
  • mrsconn23 said:
    There was a pretty huge story a year or so ago about how nail techs in NY are basically treated as slaves by salon owners and the fact that nail techs basically don't get paid if they don't turn over enough business.  Mani/pedis in NYC are (were?) apparently dirt cheap (like $20 for both services, it's twice that for a basic mani/pedi here and $60+ for gel).  
    I read that. It was shocking. I paid $25 last weekend for a basic pedi. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    There was a pretty huge story a year or so ago about how nail techs in NY are basically treated as slaves by salon owners and the fact that nail techs basically don't get paid if they don't turn over enough business.  Mani/pedis in NYC are (were?) apparently dirt cheap (like $20 for both services, it's twice that for a basic mani/pedi here and $60+ for gel).  
    I read that. It was shocking. I paid $25 last weekend for a basic pedi. 
    I paid $25+tip for a basic pedi yesterday.  My place does do a leg scrub, the cooling gel, and a hot stone massage on your calves/feet with a basic pedi. 
  • mrsconn23 said:
    I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 

    While I agree on not patronizing businesses that are probably not following labor laws, that has never been my impression from any nail salon I have gone to.  In fact, while I don't know this for sure, I've always assumed they work similarly to a hair salon.  Where a practitioner usually rents a "spot" in the salon and are essentially their own small business within a business.

    As a white woman myself, I will utilize whatever legal businesses I want.  Personal services or not and feel zero guilt about it.  If a person makes a racial comment at any said business, even if they are a minority and/or immigrant themselves.  YEAH, I'll say something.  And it isn't a pot/kettle situation because there is nothing racist about purchasing services that a person or company is selling.

    There was a pretty huge story a year or so ago about how nail techs in NY are basically treated as slaves by salon owners and the fact that nail techs basically don't get paid if they don't turn over enough business.  Mani/pedis in NYC are (were?) apparently dirt cheap (like $20 for both services, it's twice that for a basic mani/pedi here and $60+ for gel).  


    That is shocking and very sad...and in NYC, no less, where usually nothing is cheaper than it is where I live!  So that is good evidence (to me) that nail techs there are underpaid.

    The prices in my area are about the same as your bolded.   A new set of normal acrylics are $25-$30 and fills are $12-$15.


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  • The ladies at the salon that I normally visit are Vietnamese. They are always pretty busy, and very friendly - seem to enjoy working there. The owner works on the clients as well. I usually only go in for a "spa pedicure" - you sit in a massage chair, and they give you a leg and foot massage with different lotions and masks in addition to the pedicure for $25. They have a few other pedi packages with more bells and whistles for $35-45. A kids spa pedi costs $15 (I've taken Wolverine - it's a lighter version of the adult service). a basic mani is $12-15, and acrylics are around $25. 
  • kaos16 said:

    Certainly not making excuses for the nail lady, but could her comment come from a cultural difference?  If she is recently from Vietnam would that have any bearing on why she might make a statement like that?

    Feel free to bash me for even asking. . . . .

    Yeah, that's no excuse. Racism exists all around the world (especially racism against black people), and it is never ok. There is no "cultural difference" that makes it ok. Her coming from Vietnam does not explain or excuse her behavior. 
  • I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 
    I don't really get this comment, maybe you could explain.

    I'm not getting what being a rich white woman has to do with speaking up against racism. And I personally don't believe that one needs to be perfect in order to speak out against racist ideas/behavior. Unless you, too, are a racist, it wouldn't be "the pot calling the kettle." 
  • Mircakes said:
    I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 
    I don't really get this comment, maybe you could explain.

    I'm not getting what being a rich white woman has to do with speaking up against racism. And I personally don't believe that one needs to be perfect in order to speak out against racist ideas/behavior. Unless you, too, are a racist, it wouldn't be "the pot calling the kettle." 
    I read it a few times myself and thought I was just tired. 

    I consider getting my hair done a personal service as I can color it at home as well.  I consider taking clothes to a dry cleaner a personal service as well.  Although I do not employ one, I consider a house keeper to be the ultimate personal service.  And just because I may solicit these businesses in no way implies that I am wealthy.


  • Mircakes said:
    I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 
    I don't really get this comment, maybe you could explain.

    I'm not getting what being a rich white woman has to do with speaking up against racism. And I personally don't believe that one needs to be perfect in order to speak out against racist ideas/behavior. Unless you, too, are a racist, it wouldn't be "the pot calling the kettle." 
    I mean that I'm the privileged one in the situation. I'm the one with the power. I'm the one knowingly participating in something I know isn't ideal. If you're thinking you're getting a $25 pedicure and she's being paid legally you're dreaming. Just seems a bit off to me in those circumstances to then be all high and mighty and flounce out when she isn't perfect either. There's plenty of racism to fight coming from my equally privileged white folks; I don't feel the need to be particularly on top of someone vulnerable about it. I don't think what she said was good or right I just don't think it's my place to be shocked and outraged. Obvi most of you disagree that's just where I'm coming from. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Mircakes said:
    I'm already a rich white lady paying a non-white immigrant to perform a personal service for me at a business I surely strongly suspect isn't following the labor laws. Seems a bit pot kettle for me to call her racist in this situation. 
    I don't really get this comment, maybe you could explain.

    I'm not getting what being a rich white woman has to do with speaking up against racism. And I personally don't believe that one needs to be perfect in order to speak out against racist ideas/behavior. Unless you, too, are a racist, it wouldn't be "the pot calling the kettle." 
    I mean that I'm the privileged one in the situation. I'm the one with the power. I'm the one knowingly participating in something I know isn't ideal. If you're thinking you're getting a $25 pedicure and she's being paid legally you're dreaming. Just seems a bit off to me in those circumstances to then be all high and mighty and flounce out when she isn't perfect either. There's plenty of racism to fight coming from my equally privileged white folks; I don't feel the need to be particularly on top of someone vulnerable about it. I don't think what she said was good or right I just don't think it's my place to be shocked and outraged. Obvi most of you disagree that's just where I'm coming from. 
    ^ I knew where you were coming from @STARMOON44.  
    @mircakes If someone wants to walk out halfway through a predicure or not tip or complain to management, be my guest.  Racism is messed up no matter who says it, but it is easier to feel high and mighty when you witness overt racism.  I just certainly hope you're also calling out white friends for microagressions and more subtle, covert racism, which is super common.
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