Wedding Party

FSIL help...

CBeyondBooksCBeyondBooks Albany, NY
5 Love Its First Comment
member
edited July 28 in Wedding Party
So I'm having trouble with my bridal party....FH has two sisters.  Sister A, I love.  We share interests, clicked almost immediately and have spent lots of time together, even though we live several hours apart.  Sister B, on the other hand, is the opposite.  We *should* share interests, but she's very stubborn, inflexible and out-right rude at times.  She has asked my FH multiple times (including after we were engaged!) when he was breaking up with me.  At Sister A's wedding, A asked B if she would be her MOH and B declined.  Sister B didn't even want to go to the wedding (their mother forced her, so says FH).

So my question is this: If I ask Sister A, am I obligated to ask sister B?  Is it rude, improper, stepping-on-toes if I don't?  I don't want her up there with me, but she's also going to be in my life for the rest of my life (along with the rest of the family) and I don't want to make things tense.  What are your thoughts?

Re: FSIL help...

  • Ro041Ro041
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I would ask her under the assumption that she will decline.  I think just asking A would be rude, and you don't want to be the rude one.  On the other hand, you can ask anyone to be in your BP you want - but you have to be prepared for any fallout from that.  Are you ok with any family drama associated with asking A and not B?  

    charlotte989875ahoyweddingMairePoppyOliveOilsMom
  • CBeyondBooksCBeyondBooks Albany, NY
    5 Love Its First Comment
    member
    My concern is if she says yes... I don't want her up there.  If someone is going to ask my fiance when he's ending things with me when I'm running to the bathroom, I don't want them up there with me.  I'm not sure if I'd want to face the fallout from FMIL though...  Would it be ok for me to mention that she seemed reluctant to be in sister A's wedding when asking?  And should I ask her in person or in a card?  I'm thinking mail a card so she has time to think about it and it wouldn't put her on the spot, but I'd be nervous about tone getting lost through the text...
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    So I'm having trouble with my bridal party....FH has two sisters.  Sister A, I love.  We share interests, clicked almost immediately and have spent lots of time together, even though we live several hours apart.  Sister B, on the other hand, is the opposite.  We *should* share interests, but she's very stubborn, inflexible and out-right rude at times.  She has asked my FH multiple times (including after we were engaged!) when he was breaking up with me.  At Sister A's wedding, A asked B if she would be her MOH and B declined.  Sister B didn't even want to go to the wedding (their mother forced her, so says FH).

    So my question is this: If I ask Sister A, am I obligated to ask sister B?  Is it rude, improper, stepping-on-toes if I don't?  I don't want her up there with me, but she's also going to be in my life for the rest of my life (along with the rest of the family) and I don't want to make things tense.  What are your thoughts?
    My concern is if she says yes... I don't want her up there.  If someone is going to ask my fiance when he's ending things with me when I'm running to the bathroom, I don't want them up there with me.  I'm not sure if I'd want to face the fallout from FMIL though...  Would it be ok for me to mention that she seemed reluctant to be in sister A's wedding when asking?  And should I ask her in person or in a card?  I'm thinking mail a card so she has time to think about it and it wouldn't put her on the spot, but I'd be nervous about tone getting lost through the text...
    If you ask a question, be prepared to accept any possible answer.  If you ask her, hoping she says no, and she says "yes", you'll be in a pickle and will likely regret it.  

    Also, it's not a good idea to ask someone to be in your bridal party just to make someone else happy.  If you set a trend of doing things solely for the purpose of avoiding fallout from your FMIL, you may find yourself continuing to say yes to things that you don't want to do.

    I hope this helps!



    Anniversary
  • I would definitely not ask assuming she will say no. If you ask, you need to be fully prepared for her to be in the wedding, which you obviously don't want.

    If I were you, I would ask them both to be readers. That way, they're still "included" equally and you don't have to deal with issues if B says yes. 

    (And btw, she sounds like a B.)
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    short+sassyahoyweddingSTARMOON44OliveOilsMom
  • Ro041Ro041
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    When we got engaged, my Future SIL asked my FI, "Why?  Is she pregnant?"  That kind of pissed me off at the time but I got over it.  I asked her to be in the WP because I really like the other sister and it honestly doesn't matter to me if they stand on "my" side or "his" side.  They are his family.  I am marrying them too.  

    But only you can make the decision about who to ask.  Just be prepared for any consequences if you ask one and not the other. 

    MairePoppyOliveOilsMom
  • CBeyondBooksCBeyondBooks Albany, NY
    5 Love Its First Comment
    member
    Thanks for the feedback everyone!!  I'm thinking of asking sister A to be in the wedding party, and asking sister B to do a reading during the ceremony.  She hates dresses, so she could wear what she is comfortable with.  Plus, we're having a Harry Potter and Star Wars wedding (huge geeks here!) and she loves Harry Potter, so this would give her a chance to show that.  If she doesn't want to do the reading, we'll just write something up ourselves to give to our JP!  Hopefully that won't step on too many toes...Thanks again!!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I agree with the PP: if you want her to do a reading, don't let her choose it.

    I would let your FI decide whether he wants her to be in the wedding party, and if so, she should stand with him. You do not have to ask her to stand with you if you don't want to, especially given her rudeness to you.

    But I'd also make sure that your officiant does not use the "speak now or forever hold your peace" line or any others allowing for objections. 
  • CBeyondBooksCBeyondBooks Albany, NY
    5 Love Its First Comment
    member
    For the reading, we would definitely look it over and have to approve it.  I asked FH if we should write it for her and he said she'd probably like to write it herself...I'll probably write something up if/when she doesn't write something we like.  And who knows, she may say no she doesn't want to do anything, in which case, I'll do a happy dance and move on hahaha

    Having one FSIL you love and one you...well, do not to put it nicely, puts you in such a pickle!  She didn't even want to attend her own sisters wedding, so I doubt she'll want any involvement in mine (especially because the two don't get along that well even today).  If she does say yes, I'm glad to have a plan A and B.

    Question though: if she says yes, but then starts complaining to others about how she *has* to do a reading for me, am I allowed to be like just kidding, you aren't having any part of this?  Or just keep a deaf ear and ignore it?  Because she seems like the sort of person who would say yes, then complain to anyone who will listen, including my FH.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    You seem to be really good at turning two separate relationships into drama for yourself. If you don't care for one sister and do for the other, that's fine. Give them different roles, that's fine, although I agree with PGL that making them both readers will probably occasion even less drama.

    But do not make a thing of it. Do not respond to perceived slights later. You've already set it up that she'll do something that doesn't involve standing up with you because you don't like her - if she keeps being unlikable, nothing has changed, so don't change or take away the role you decide upon. Make your choice and then leave it alone. If she declines the role, leave it alone. You don't need to get into an endless cycle of "How do I deal with this new thing she did that's actually the old behavior she's always done?" Just ignore it. You knew it was coming, you don't need to "respond." If you're not going to trust her to do her role in a way you can live with, don't ask her.

    Anniversary

    PrettyGirlLostMairePoppySP29
  • You are setting the stage for drama by allowing her to write something SHE wants to read at her brother's wedding and then editing it if it's not to your liking. SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. And you she doesn't like that you're with her brother.

    For heaven's sake, just pick a passage that you like and ask her if she wants to read it at your wedding. If she says yes, then she's reading that passage. If she says no, then fine.  

    You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    PrettyGirlLostJediElizabethSTARMOON44SP29
  • You are setting the stage for drama by allowing her to write something SHE wants to read at her brother's wedding and then editing it if it's not to your liking. SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. And you she doesn't like that you're with her brother.

    For heaven's sake, just pick a passage that you like and ask her if she wants to read it at your wedding. If she says yes, then she's reading that passage. If she says no, then fine.  

    You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be. 
    Definitely this!  DO NOT let her write her own reading.  Especially if you plan to edit it.  That's just asking for trouble.  Like @KahluaKoala said, it would actually be pretty weird for her or you all to write up a reading anyway.  I've only ever heard of couples picking a passage(s) that are meaningful for them.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    STARMOON44
  • Ooo boy. Asking her to do a reading is fair, as would be asking FI if he wants them on his side. I think making one a BM and not the other would be asking for big-time family drama.

    If you DO ask sister B to do a reading, don't let her choose! There have got to be a few passages from HP or SW mentioning something about love or commitment or family or something. If you want to give her a choice, pick a couple of those that you like and would be alright having in your ceremony, and then let her choose between those. If you think she doesn't like you, DEFINITELY don't let her write something. Yikes!

    If she starts to complain, I wouldn't encourage that behavior. Let her rant to whoever; if she does this all the time, it's probably something your FI & his family are used to. If she wants to drop out, she can. How is her relationship with your FI? She may not want to risk screwing up his wedding, even if she gives no craps about you.
    short+sassyMairePoppy
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I would definitely not ask B to stand up for you in your wedding party. Whether or not you then feel it appropriate (are you ready to deal with any drama, even though you aren't doing anything wrong?) to ask A to stand up for you is your decision. But since your FH also has absolutely no interest in asking her to stand on his side, I hope he would support you to his family, if drama were to arise.

    A reading is a good compromise, but again, still your decision. I agree with asking her if she'll do a reading with your choice as the reading.

    You could also get her a corsage.
  • You are not required to ask FSIL B to be in your wedding party.  You get to choose who stands up with you.  There is no obligation to ask anyone, regardless of family ties.
    I think getting her a corsage is a good idea.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards