He akes me a Crazy Bride

MissKittyDanger

kimmiinthemitten said:

mrsconn23 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

I cannot un-see my prim, proper, uptight great aunt dancing to 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' at my grandparent's 50th anniversary.  It's my hands-down fave memory of spending any time with her (she's a very cold, critical woman). 

Did she dance to the lyrics?


My parents love to dance at weddings and they have literally never heard a note of music in their entire lives!

No joke, I got warm fuzzies at this I love that!

holyguacamole79

I can't lie ... the only real argument in planning our wedding was the "do not play" / "do play" lists.

He wanted the Chicken Dance.  I didn't.
I wanted "Call Me Maybe" (we got married in early 2013).  He didn't.

Neither song made the list.  Compromise reached.  

I'm not gonna even touch OP's comments because I'm just confused by her. 

DrillSergeantCat

You cannot drop hints to a man (#notallmen). Their brains don't work like ours. For example, our anniversary is next month. He mentioned it this past weekend and I told him the traditional gift is paper. He said, "Like money?" I'm already working on my gift to him. He'll wait until the day before at best and scramble around.

kimmiinthemitten

DrillSergeantCat said:

You cannot drop hints to a man (#notallmen). Their brains don't work like ours. For example, our anniversary is next month. He mentioned it this past weekend and I told him the traditional gift is paper. He said, "Like money?" I'm already working on my gift to him. He'll wait until the day before at best and scramble around.

I would have said "hell yeah!"

DrillSergeantCat

kimmiinthemitten said:

I would have said "hell yeah!"

I said, "If that's your interpretation of paper."

holyguacamole79

DrillSergeantCat said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I would have said "hell yeah!"

I said, "If that's your interpretation of paper."

I'd love that!

On our third anniversary (traditional is leather), my husband was immaturely amused.  I'm sure he'll be equally immaturely amused for our 5 year anniversary (traditional gift is wood).

Ro041

I also can't compute the idea of a "small intimate wedding" and needing to go through hundreds of FB friends to figure out who your closest family and friends are.  Like, don't you already know that based mostly on who your family is and who you text the most?  Fill in a few others who you don't text with but consider close friends and BAM.  List done.

MissKittyDanger

holyguacamole79 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I would have said "hell yeah!"

I said, "If that's your interpretation of paper."

I'd love that!

On our third anniversary (traditional is leather), my husband was immaturely amused.  I'm sure he'll be equally immaturely amused for our 5 year anniversary (traditional gift is wood).

Did someone get a fancy leather crop

holyguacamole79

MissKittyDanger said:

holyguacamole79 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I would have said "hell yeah!"

I said, "If that's your interpretation of paper."

I'd love that!

On our third anniversary (traditional is leather), my husband was immaturely amused.  I'm sure he'll be equally immaturely amused for our 5 year anniversary (traditional gift is wood).

Did someone get a fancy leather crop

Ha!  We actually don't really exchange gifts for our anniversary.  We usually do a local romantic weekend getaway.  We don't really need / want any more stuff, so the time together is a good gift.  But we still make inappropriate jokes.

charlotte989875

holyguacamole79 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

holyguacamole79 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I would have said "hell yeah!"

I said, "If that's your interpretation of paper."

I'd love that!

On our third anniversary (traditional is leather), my husband was immaturely amused.  I'm sure he'll be equally immaturely amused for our 5 year anniversary (traditional gift is wood).

Did someone get a fancy leather crop

Ha!  We actually don't really exchange gifts for our anniversary.  We usually do a local romantic weekend getaway.  We don't really need / want any more stuff, so the time together is a good gift.  But we still make inappropriate jokes.

Even better. 

ei34

climbingwife said:

My H is 7 years older than me. And yet somehow in just one day, we were able to put together a great playlist. A playlist that literally everyone danced to. I played some Biggie and my H's step-grandma danced to the whole song with me. Our youngest guest was 11 and our oldest was 92. We have people of every age group. They all danced, to many songs, and all had fun. 

I was thinking exactly this regarding the music.  Weddings tend to have guests of varying ages- a great DJ or band will be able to read the crowd and know if the songs are going over well or not.  H and i met with our DJ the weekend before our wedding to share our "must play" and "don't play" songs, which we'd compiled a day before in about 10 minutes.  

OP, you're not alone- my H doesn't respond to subtle hits.  You'll both have to learn the best ways to communicate with each other, which is even more important long-term than wedding planning.  I agree with PP to give him a "please have your guest list by xx date" deadline, if that's what he needs.  

levioosa

I love SO, but he has terrible ADHD and half the time when I say stuff he doesn't really hear it because his mind is in another place. Hints don't work at all. So when I have something important to say I tell him to look at me, and I say straight up "this is important." Then I say whatever I have to say. It's helped tremendously. I feel heard, and he doesn't feel like he is constantly out of the loop. Poor guy works so hard during the day to be focused and productive that when he gets home it's just an explosion of pent up energy. Add to that a "to do" list three pages long with house stuff and he's all over the place. We had to work a system that works. Obviously there's room for improvement, but I don't have silent expectations any more, and I don't drop hints. Our relationship has been way more successful because of that. When I do find myself getting upset, one of the first things I ask myself is "does he know about this? Did you tell him or just assume he would figure it out?" A lot of the time I'm the one who didn't communicate clearly. Ex. I came home the other day. I thought on the way home "going out to dinner would be great. We've worked all week, it's hot, I don't want to cook. We're definitely going out." Then I got home and SO had just picked up a sandwich. I was annoyed for a second before I realized I'd never communicated that I wanted to go out in the first place. He doesn't magically know what I'm thinking just because we've been together a long time. He's very thoughtful all around, but there's just some things he's never going to guess.  

Learning how to communicate is crucial to a successful marriage. Hints or not, OP, clearly you guys have work to do. 

Also....it doesn't sound like you guys are on the same page if you want an intimate wedding and he's scrolling through his Facebook looking at his friend list. 

sparklepants41

levioosa said:

mrsconn23 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

I cannot un-see my prim, proper, uptight great aunt dancing to 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' at my grandparent's 50th anniversary.  It's my hands-down fave memory of spending any time with her (she's a very cold, critical woman). 

Same, my 83 year old grandmother danced to Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. She probably had no idea what the lyrics were, but she had a blast. 

Same here too! My then 82-year-old grandma seriously got down to Snap's I Got The Power. And our photog captured it! It was awesome.

JediElizabeth

DrillSergeantCat said:

You cannot drop hints to a man (#notallmen). Their brains don't work like ours. For example, our anniversary is next month. He mentioned it this past weekend and I told him the traditional gift is paper. He said, "Like money?" I'm already working on my gift to him. He'll wait until the day before at best and scramble around.

Ugh, I hate this kind of thinking. Men and women have largely the same psychology, with some aggregate patterns of differences in disposition (maybe) and socialization (definitely). 

You cannot drop hints to anyone. If H started dropping hints about our wedding or anniversary or something to me, I'd probably think it was idle chatter or just a thought, not a real plan. That's why when adults have something serious to say, we say it. 

CMGragain

Knottie1465824171 said:

Ro – Sometime is over a year away, however, I am meeting with the wedding planner in September and I’d like to have an exact count. Why is it a year away and I am planning ahead of time? I just got offered a higher paying position at the company I work for, we are moving, I have to attend x number of trainings, I am finishing up graduate school and preparing for a PhD program lol the more I get out of the way now the better. The music is important to us because there is a 10 year difference between us and his guests will be older than mine so that is something that we have to consider. I don’t want us to have an exact playlist but I want him to be considerate of how different our guest will be, I have told him this directly. When I spoke with my FI last night, I told him where to go to update the guestlist because I feel like he should be planning the wedding as well, as it will be part of his memory bank as well as mine.

I absolutely do not understand why you need an exact guest count a year before your wedding.  I have never heard of such a thing.  Your excuses about your moving, job change, and education are irrelevant.  Nobody does this!
Your music does not need to be chosen until a few weeks before your wedding.  You are being ridiculous about this.

No wonder your FI is being vague.  You are asking him to do something that is completely unnecessary at this time.  You need an exact count eight weeks before the wedding when you send out your invitations.  Your venue will tell you when they need to know the exact number.  A rough estimate is fine until that time.

If anyone needs to calm down, it is YOU.  Your expectations are completely unrealistic, and this is going to lead to trouble later as you are finalizing your plans.  Chill.  I hope your wedding planner can talk some sense into you.

*Barbie*

sparklepants41 said:

levioosa said:

mrsconn23 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

I cannot un-see my prim, proper, uptight great aunt dancing to 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' at my grandparent's 50th anniversary.  It's my hands-down fave memory of spending any time with her (she's a very cold, critical woman). 

Same, my 83 year old grandmother danced to Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. She probably had no idea what the lyrics were, but she had a blast. 

Same here too! My then 82-year-old grandma seriously got down to Snap's I Got The Power. And our photog captured it! It was awesome.

We saw the girl from Snap on Sunday night. She was fun. 

DrillSergeantCat

JediElizabeth said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

You cannot drop hints to a man (#notallmen). Their brains don't work like ours. For example, our anniversary is next month. He mentioned it this past weekend and I told him the traditional gift is paper. He said, "Like money?" I'm already working on my gift to him. He'll wait until the day before at best and scramble around.

Ugh, I hate this kind of thinking. Men and women have largely the same psychology, with some aggregate patterns of differences in disposition (maybe) and socialization (definitely). 

You cannot drop hints to anyone. If H started dropping hints about our wedding or anniversary or something to me, I'd probably think it was idle chatter or just a thought, not a real plan. That's why when adults have something serious to say, we say it. 

I wouldn't. I'd think, "this is something he wants so I should work on getting that."

PrettyGirlLost

JediElizabeth said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

You cannot drop hints to a man (#notallmen). Their brains don't work like ours. For example, our anniversary is next month. He mentioned it this past weekend and I told him the traditional gift is paper. He said, "Like money?" I'm already working on my gift to him. He'll wait until the day before at best and scramble around.

Ugh, I hate this kind of thinking. Men and women have largely the same psychology, with some aggregate patterns of differences in disposition (maybe) and socialization (definitely). 

You cannot drop hints to anyone. If H started dropping hints about our wedding or anniversary or something to me, I'd probably think it was idle chatter or just a thought, not a real plan. That's why when adults have something serious to say, we say it. 

Thank you!

My brain doesn't work like that either- be fucking direct! 

I have neither the time nor the patience to play mind games with passive aggressive people, and I just won't.

PrettyGirlLost

CMGragain said:

Knottie1465824171 said:

Ro – Sometime is over a year away, however, I am meeting with the wedding planner in September and I’d like to have an exact count. Why is it a year away and I am planning ahead of time? I just got offered a higher paying position at the company I work for, we are moving, I have to attend x number of trainings, I am finishing up graduate school and preparing for a PhD program lol the more I get out of the way now the better. The music is important to us because there is a 10 year difference between us and his guests will be older than mine so that is something that we have to consider. I don’t want us to have an exact playlist but I want him to be considerate of how different our guest will be, I have told him this directly. When I spoke with my FI last night, I told him where to go to update the guestlist because I feel like he should be planning the wedding as well, as it will be part of his memory bank as well as mine.

I absolutely do not understand why you need an exact guest count a year before your wedding.  I have never heard of such a thing.  Your excuses about your moving, job change, and education are irrelevant.  Nobody does this!
Your music does not need to be chosen until a few weeks before your wedding.  You are being ridiculous about this.

No wonder your FI is being vague.  You are asking him to do something that is completely unnecessary at this time.  You need an exact count eight weeks before the wedding when you send out your invitations.  Your venue will tell you when they need to know the exact number.  A rough estimate is fine until that time.

If anyone needs to calm down, it is YOU.  Your expectations are completely unrealistic, and this is going to lead to trouble later as you are finalizing your plans.  Chill.  I hope your wedding planner can talk some sense into you.

I agree with all of this.  You are getting wrapped up in minutia that you don't need to be focused on right now.

We started planning and saving for our wedding 1.5 years in advance, because that's how quickly most vendors and venues book in my area.

We came up with our approximate budget and guestlist, then started looking at venues.  Next we booked our venue and put down a deposit.  Then over the next 6 months we booked our other vendors.

We didn't worry about the exact guestlist and addresses until the next year when we were about to send out STDs.  We didn't worry about the music until about one month out from our wedding- when our DJ began discussing it with us.

If my FI was on my case about planning all of that over a year out from our wedding I'd probably ignore him as well.

Too soon!