Snarky Brides

JUST NEED TO VENT!

edited August 2 in Snarky Brides
I'm getting married next month and one of my BMs is getting married a few months later. For the few months that I was engaged before her, it was all about how she should've been engaged already rather than being happy for me. Then, they got engaged and everything became about her wedding and she was being really petty. Things have recently changed and gotten better between us, since we both are in each other's weddings and realized that we could go through this together. 

However, her bridal shower was planned during this 'pettiness' and it was planned a week after my wedding. It felt as if it was like 'your wedding is done, onto mine.' She says she doesn't know about the date and that it's a surprise, fine. But when another bridesmaid (a family member) texted us telling us the date, not even the maid of honor knew what it was. So no one checked with the bridal party to see if the date worked. When I said 'oh, I wish I knew, I'll be on my honeymoon,' she was extremely rude and told me that I didn't understand their 'culture' and that it wasn't about me, it was about the bride. I said I do understand but that I won't be able to make it.

Moving on, bride is having a bachelorette party that requires a flight and will be about $1000 overall, requiring new shoes and a dress, $200, plus hotel, gift for shower, gift for wedding, it's going to get pricey. I understood that going into it but now the SAME bridesmaid who is planning the shower without filling in the NON-family members who are also in the wedding, texted us today to tell us that we have to each pitch in $50-70 for the decorations/games/prizes/joint gift for the bridal shower. I said that I already got her a gift because I wasn't aware of the joint gift and I was told that I could just pitch in $50 then. 

My gift to her was more than the $20 that they're "taking off" and I don't think that I should be required to pitch in this money. The bridesmaid who has decided to take charge isn't even coming to the expensive bachelorette so I find it rude that she's demanding money from us. I'm happy to get some prizes for games/prepare a game since I won't be able to make it, but to demand money for decorations is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong? We're also not the ones hosting the shower for her.

Re: JUST NEED TO VENT!

  • knottiej said:
    So many things not right with this. I don't see how her shower a week after your wedding is a big deal or petty. If you can't make it, you say, "Thank you for the invite, but I will not be able to make it."

    You should just bow out at this point for the bachelorette party due to the cost. Sounds like no one asked for a budget. Or you can say no to these "demands".


    I don't think that the bridal party is petty. I was just saying that during the period of time where she WAS being petty, the bridal shower was planned and it seemed intentional. I don't care that it's then, I just know I won't be able to go and if she's still being petty like she was in the beginning, I know she's going to be mad. I told them I can't make it already, but was confused as to why they didn't check with the bridesmaids about a date, which is what my MOH did. They didn't even check with the MOH! 

    I'm fine with the bachelorette party and all the things a bridesmaid is "required" to do. However, I find it kind of tacky for them to saying "this is how much you have to give" without discussing what anyone's budget/contribution would be.
    JediElizabeth
  • knottiej said:
    So many things not right with this. I don't see how her shower a week after your wedding is a big deal or petty. If you can't make it, you say, "Thank you for the invite, but I will not be able to make it."

    You should just bow out at this point for the bachelorette party due to the cost. Sounds like no one asked for a budget. Or you can say no to these "demands".


    I don't think that the bridal party is petty. I was just saying that during the period of time where she WAS being petty, the bridal shower was planned and it seemed intentional. I don't care that it's then, I just know I won't be able to go and if she's still being petty like she was in the beginning, I know she's going to be mad. I told them I can't make it already, but was confused as to why they didn't check with the bridesmaids about a date, which is what my MOH did. They didn't even check with the MOH! 

    I'm fine with the bachelorette party and all the things a bridesmaid is "required" to do. However, I find it kind of tacky for them to saying "this is how much you have to give" without discussing what anyone's budget/contribution would be.
    You're not required, though. If you can't afford it, say no. If you don't have time to go to the shower, send your regrets. You can be that adult who sets boundaries when people don't go about obtaining budgets in the proper way. I know I've been the person to say no in a bridal party situation when the demands were unreasonable, and I've been thanked by other members for "opening that door." They then felt like they could stand up for their own needs too.
    Thank you! When I said "required," I was being facetious but I'm fine with going to that since I'll miss her shower. Yes, it will be pricey but I will do it because she hasn't/won't be missing anything of mine. I'm just really taken aback by the behaviors of her other bridesmaids, telling me (in a group chat) that I don't understand their culture just because they didn't check with anyone else on the date before they chose it. But you're right. Initially when I responded to the text demanding money from everyone, I said I purchased my own gift and someone else said "so did I." If I stand my ground, other people may agree. I don't think it's wrong to ask for help from the bridal party, I do think it's tacky to ask for money, rather than asking for actual contributions. 
    short+sassy
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Eh, I wouldn't fret too much about not checking with the MOH or other bridesmaids.   I was my sister's MOH.  When her FMIL's friends hosted a shower, they didn't consult me for availability.   I was invited and had to decline because I live in another town and a 4 hour one - way drive wasn't really practical for a shower.  It wasn't a big deal. 



    Anniversary
    STARMOON44
  • ...

    My gift to her was more than the $20 that they're "taking off" and I don't think that I should be required to pitch in this money. The bridesmaid who has decided to take charge isn't even coming to the expensive bachelorette so I find it rude that she's demanding money from us. I'm happy to get some prizes for games/prepare a game since I won't be able to make it, but to demand money for decorations is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong? We're also not the ones hosting the shower for her.
    All else aside, if you're not hosting the shower, you shouldn't be expected to pay for it. I was giving some major side-eye to that on your behalf.

    ...
    Thank you! When I said "required," I was being facetious but I'm fine with going to that since I'll miss her shower. Yes, it will be pricey but I will do it because she hasn't/won't be missing anything of mine. I'm just really taken aback by the behaviors of her other bridesmaids, telling me (in a group chat) that I don't understand their culture just because they didn't check with anyone else on the date before they chose it. But you're right. Initially when I responded to the text demanding money from everyone, I said I purchased my own gift and someone else said "so did I." If I stand my ground, other people may agree. I don't think it's wrong to ask for help from the bridal party, I do think it's tacky to ask for money, rather than asking for actual contributions. 
    This is the perfect attitude to have. Choose your battles, but stand your ground where you feel like you need to.

    I'd also stop responding in the group chat if they keep pressuring you; text is a bad place for this but group texts are a recipe for cattiness and misunderstandings in these situations. After making it clear that you won't be contributing to the event you're not hosting, let everyone know that you'll be slow to respond for the next month until after your wedding, but once your honeymoon is over you'll be back. 
    charlotte989875short+sassymollybarker11
  • It's super rude of them to ask you pay for a party you had no idea was being planned and you can't even attend. You are absolutely NOT required to pitch in for the shower. Whether you decide to is up to you. Personally, I would not. Send the bruisers after me...lol! Not gunna happen. 

    For the bachelorette, if you can't afford it (or simply don't want to), don't go. Very simple. My SIL planned a super extravagant bach (yes, she planned it herself - tacky!) across the country in a beach mansion. I declined for a lot of reasons. Sorrynotsorry honey. If you want me there, ask me what I can afford/what I want to spend thousands on.  

    Life is full of choices. Now that you've vented, go make your choices.
    Thank you! I don't mind the bachelorette so much, was just trying to emphasize how many things we would be spending money on and how much. But I agree, no one asked about a budget and just assumed and expected everyone to do all these things. The Bride is actually mad at people who aren't going to make it to the bachelorette for not prioritizing her.

    To be fair, I didn't ask about a budget either I guess, but I tried to be cognizant and allowed them to pick dresses that varied in price, use their own shoes and chose a bachelorette destination that was within driving distance. My MOH reached out with how much it will probably cost and let them know in advance and they decided based on that if they could make it or not. When I told them about hair/makeup, I told them that I would prefer it if we all went together and that if it was too expensive, to let me know and we could figure it out. So I thought all of that was fair and never expected anything of anyone.

    I decided to respond to them and let them know that $50 is too much to spend, given all of the other expenses that come with being a bridesmaid, as well as the fact that I did buy her a gift from just me. I offered to contribute a bottle of wine for the group gift and offered to do one of the games/prizes. No response 3 hours later...
  • ...

    My gift to her was more than the $20 that they're "taking off" and I don't think that I should be required to pitch in this money. The bridesmaid who has decided to take charge isn't even coming to the expensive bachelorette so I find it rude that she's demanding money from us. I'm happy to get some prizes for games/prepare a game since I won't be able to make it, but to demand money for decorations is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong? We're also not the ones hosting the shower for her.
    All else aside, if you're not hosting the shower, you shouldn't be expected to pay for it. I was giving some major side-eye to that on your behalf.

    ...
    Thank you! When I said "required," I was being facetious but I'm fine with going to that since I'll miss her shower. Yes, it will be pricey but I will do it because she hasn't/won't be missing anything of mine. I'm just really taken aback by the behaviors of her other bridesmaids, telling me (in a group chat) that I don't understand their culture just because they didn't check with anyone else on the date before they chose it. But you're right. Initially when I responded to the text demanding money from everyone, I said I purchased my own gift and someone else said "so did I." If I stand my ground, other people may agree. I don't think it's wrong to ask for help from the bridal party, I do think it's tacky to ask for money, rather than asking for actual contributions. 
    This is the perfect attitude to have. Choose your battles, but stand your ground where you feel like you need to.

    I'd also stop responding in the group chat if they keep pressuring you; text is a bad place for this but group texts are a recipe for cattiness and misunderstandings in these situations. After making it clear that you won't be contributing to the event you're not hosting, let everyone know that you'll be slow to respond for the next month until after your wedding, but once your honeymoon is over you'll be back. 
    Thank you for the side eye!! ;) I was like if we were throwing the shower, this should have been discussed. Don't just say 'we need this much.' I ended up letting them know that I couldn't contribute in that way but I was happy to contribute in other ways. GOOD IDEA though. I will do that if it comes up again and I think I should keep my communication with the MOH, rather than a BM who decided she was doing everything.
    JediElizabeth
  • ...

    My gift to her was more than the $20 that they're "taking off" and I don't think that I should be required to pitch in this money. The bridesmaid who has decided to take charge isn't even coming to the expensive bachelorette so I find it rude that she's demanding money from us. I'm happy to get some prizes for games/prepare a game since I won't be able to make it, but to demand money for decorations is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong? We're also not the ones hosting the shower for her.
    All else aside, if you're not hosting the shower, you shouldn't be expected to pay for it. I was giving some major side-eye to that on your behalf.

    ...
    Thank you! When I said "required," I was being facetious but I'm fine with going to that since I'll miss her shower. Yes, it will be pricey but I will do it because she hasn't/won't be missing anything of mine. I'm just really taken aback by the behaviors of her other bridesmaids, telling me (in a group chat) that I don't understand their culture just because they didn't check with anyone else on the date before they chose it. But you're right. Initially when I responded to the text demanding money from everyone, I said I purchased my own gift and someone else said "so did I." If I stand my ground, other people may agree. I don't think it's wrong to ask for help from the bridal party, I do think it's tacky to ask for money, rather than asking for actual contributions. 
    This is the perfect attitude to have. Choose your battles, but stand your ground where you feel like you need to.

    I'd also stop responding in the group chat if they keep pressuring you; text is a bad place for this but group texts are a recipe for cattiness and misunderstandings in these situations. After making it clear that you won't be contributing to the event you're not hosting, let everyone know that you'll be slow to respond for the next month until after your wedding, but once your honeymoon is over you'll be back. 
    Thank you for the side eye!! ;) I was like if we were throwing the shower, this should have been discussed. Don't just say 'we need this much.' I ended up letting them know that I couldn't contribute in that way but I was happy to contribute in other ways. GOOD IDEA though. I will do that if it comes up again and I think I should keep my communication with the MOH, rather than a BM who decided she was doing everything.

    I'm definitely on the "don't reach into my wallet" side, lol.  Like other PPs have mentioned, it's one thing if costs are discussed ahead of time and people agree to chip in $50-$70.  It's quite another to be voluntold you have to pay $X for an event you aren't hosting, aren't going to, never agreed to pay anything for, and have had no decisions in the planning/costs.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    SP29
  • ...

    My gift to her was more than the $20 that they're "taking off" and I don't think that I should be required to pitch in this money. The bridesmaid who has decided to take charge isn't even coming to the expensive bachelorette so I find it rude that she's demanding money from us. I'm happy to get some prizes for games/prepare a game since I won't be able to make it, but to demand money for decorations is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong? We're also not the ones hosting the shower for her.
    All else aside, if you're not hosting the shower, you shouldn't be expected to pay for it. I was giving some major side-eye to that on your behalf.

    ...
    Thank you! When I said "required," I was being facetious but I'm fine with going to that since I'll miss her shower. Yes, it will be pricey but I will do it because she hasn't/won't be missing anything of mine. I'm just really taken aback by the behaviors of her other bridesmaids, telling me (in a group chat) that I don't understand their culture just because they didn't check with anyone else on the date before they chose it. But you're right. Initially when I responded to the text demanding money from everyone, I said I purchased my own gift and someone else said "so did I." If I stand my ground, other people may agree. I don't think it's wrong to ask for help from the bridal party, I do think it's tacky to ask for money, rather than asking for actual contributions. 
    This is the perfect attitude to have. Choose your battles, but stand your ground where you feel like you need to.

    I'd also stop responding in the group chat if they keep pressuring you; text is a bad place for this but group texts are a recipe for cattiness and misunderstandings in these situations. After making it clear that you won't be contributing to the event you're not hosting, let everyone know that you'll be slow to respond for the next month until after your wedding, but once your honeymoon is over you'll be back. 
    Thank you for the side eye!! ;) I was like if we were throwing the shower, this should have been discussed. Don't just say 'we need this much.' I ended up letting them know that I couldn't contribute in that way but I was happy to contribute in other ways. GOOD IDEA though. I will do that if it comes up again and I think I should keep my communication with the MOH, rather than a BM who decided she was doing everything.

    I'm definitely on the "don't reach into my wallet" side, lol.  Like other PPs have mentioned, it's one thing if costs are discussed ahead of time and people agree to chip in $50-$70.  It's quite another to be voluntold you have to pay $X for an event you aren't hosting, aren't going to, never agreed to pay anything for, and have had no decisions in the planning/costs.
    Thank you! 

    So now, the most recent thing that they're saying is that $20 of the $70 is towards a "prize" for games and that the other $50 is to cover the cost of the bridal shower. AKA pay for part of the shower that we were never told about? I'm fine with pitching in for a prize and if they want to get her a joint gift, but I'm not paying for the 'cost of the shower.' Those that are hosting, whoever that may be, who knows at this point, can pay for that. 

    I've offered several times to do games and they won't respond to that, only would like to talk about the money. When I said that it was too steep, I was told that "any bit would help." 
    short+sassy
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    ...

    My gift to her was more than the $20 that they're "taking off" and I don't think that I should be required to pitch in this money. The bridesmaid who has decided to take charge isn't even coming to the expensive bachelorette so I find it rude that she's demanding money from us. I'm happy to get some prizes for games/prepare a game since I won't be able to make it, but to demand money for decorations is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong? We're also not the ones hosting the shower for her.
    All else aside, if you're not hosting the shower, you shouldn't be expected to pay for it. I was giving some major side-eye to that on your behalf.

    ...
    Thank you! When I said "required," I was being facetious but I'm fine with going to that since I'll miss her shower. Yes, it will be pricey but I will do it because she hasn't/won't be missing anything of mine. I'm just really taken aback by the behaviors of her other bridesmaids, telling me (in a group chat) that I don't understand their culture just because they didn't check with anyone else on the date before they chose it. But you're right. Initially when I responded to the text demanding money from everyone, I said I purchased my own gift and someone else said "so did I." If I stand my ground, other people may agree. I don't think it's wrong to ask for help from the bridal party, I do think it's tacky to ask for money, rather than asking for actual contributions. 
    This is the perfect attitude to have. Choose your battles, but stand your ground where you feel like you need to.

    I'd also stop responding in the group chat if they keep pressuring you; text is a bad place for this but group texts are a recipe for cattiness and misunderstandings in these situations. After making it clear that you won't be contributing to the event you're not hosting, let everyone know that you'll be slow to respond for the next month until after your wedding, but once your honeymoon is over you'll be back. 
    Thank you for the side eye!! ;) I was like if we were throwing the shower, this should have been discussed. Don't just say 'we need this much.' I ended up letting them know that I couldn't contribute in that way but I was happy to contribute in other ways. GOOD IDEA though. I will do that if it comes up again and I think I should keep my communication with the MOH, rather than a BM who decided she was doing everything.

    I'm definitely on the "don't reach into my wallet" side, lol.  Like other PPs have mentioned, it's one thing if costs are discussed ahead of time and people agree to chip in $50-$70.  It's quite another to be voluntold you have to pay $X for an event you aren't hosting, aren't going to, never agreed to pay anything for, and have had no decisions in the planning/costs.
    Thank you! 

    So now, the most recent thing that they're saying is that $20 of the $70 is towards a "prize" for games and that the other $50 is to cover the cost of the bridal shower. AKA pay for part of the shower that we were never told about? I'm fine with pitching in for a prize and if they want to get her a joint gift, but I'm not paying for the 'cost of the shower.' Those that are hosting, whoever that may be, who knows at this point, can pay for that. 

    I've offered several times to do games and they won't respond to that, only would like to talk about the money. When I said that it was too steep, I was told that "any bit would help." 
    You have shown time and again that you are willing and eager to help on your terms and with your budget in mind.  No one has the right to spend your money, particularly without warning and/or input.  You are not responsible for their poor management, budget, and organizational skills.  Decline.
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensKnottie1473798315SP29
  • I decided to respond to them and let them know that $50 is too much to spend, given all of the other expenses that come with being a bridesmaid, as well as the fact that I did buy her a gift from just me. I offered to contribute a bottle of wine for the group gift and offered to do one of the games/prizes. No response 3 hours later...
    Do you, obviously, but I cannot understand why you'd offer to contribute to a group gift when you already purchased an individual gift OR why you'd offer to do a game/prize for an event you have no part in planning and will not be attending.

    InLoveInQueensKnottie1473798315STARMOON44sparklepants41
  • edited August 14
    I decided to respond to them and let them know that $50 is too much to spend, given all of the other expenses that come with being a bridesmaid, as well as the fact that I did buy her a gift from just me. I offered to contribute a bottle of wine for the group gift and offered to do one of the games/prizes. No response 3 hours later...
    Do you, obviously, but I cannot understand why you'd offer to contribute to a group gift when you already purchased an individual gift OR why you'd offer to do a game/prize for an event you have no part in planning and will not be attending.
    -----
    Honestly, just to contribute so that it couldn't be said that I didn't -- it was just to be kind but they've shown that they don't care about my contributions that way, just monetary contributions. 
     
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