Moms and Maids

Am I being unreasonable about shoes?

Hey all, just trying to check myself. So, a good friend of mine has taken on the monumental task of planning her wedding in about four months (!). She started off being so chill, and basically asked the eight or nine of us in the bridal party to just get a not-floor-length navy dress. Cool! Done.

The thing is, there is this online message I'm in with all of the bridal party, including a few people out of state. One girl keeps asking questions that prompt the bride to make more and more specific choices, which are becoming kind of limiting, in my opinion.

The most recent of these is shoe height. I don't mind being dictated a color of shoe, but all of a sudden I'm reading that we're apparently supposed to wear flats? Although that's super comfy, I like to wear at least a short heel, and it's sounding like she will be displeased if that's what I show up in. Apparently she is looking for "as much uniformity as possible" while giving us at least some choice. But "light grey flats" doesn't feel like a lot of choice, especially since now there are all these other details we are supposed to pay attention to.

TL;DR - Is it shitty of me to be annoyed at the dictation of shoe height? Slash, would it be terrible to just kind of ignore this little instruction? I just want a liiiiiiiittle heel.
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Re: Am I being unreasonable about shoes?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    It sounds like the renegade bridesmaid is the one causing the problem. Do you know her well enough to talk to her and say something along the lines of all the questions are probably putting a lot of stress on the bride? I mean, maybe the bride hadn't even thought that this stuff was important until the bridesmaid kept questioning. Next thing you know the maid will be asking what kind of undergarments to wear!
    mollybarker11OliveOilsMom
  • I honestly cannot figure out why people care what other people wear on their feet. Sure I'll notice if someone is wearing particularly cool shoes, but other than that I have no idea what people wear. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    You're totally right to be annoyed by this. I wouldn't want to wear flats either. Good advice to talk to the bride directly. 

    PrettyGirlLost
  • So it's kind of a grey area (no pun intended). The whole idea is that the guidelines are supposed to be flexible enough that you don't need to buy anything new/spend more money.

    "light grey flats" = you need to buy something. That's the difference. 

    It doesn't sound like she ever consulted anyone's budget ahead of time or said "sounds like budget for attire is $100 - pick any dress you want, but leave enough room for grey flats if you don't already have them". That never happened. So yea, the request boarders on out of line. 

    This is a pick your battles situation. If you truly can't afford the shoes (or simply don't want to), let her (not the group text) know you'll just be wearing "flats". If you can afford the shoes and don't want this battle, just buy the shoes, grumble a bit and get over it.
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    short+sassy
  • I'm trying to picture a situation where I would actually be saying, "OMG, all the BMs are wearing grey flats, but that ONE right there is wearing grey flats with a kitten heel (pearl clutching)."  Yeah, there isn't one, lol.

    @nightnerd, I doubt the bride will saying anything if you show up wearing a short heel.  At least I'd hope not.  But, if she does, I'd probably just pass it off with a, "Oh, huh, I thought these were short enough."  You really don't even have to explain but, on someone's wedding day, I'd try to just keep a mellow, it's NBD attitude.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    LadyCatherineDB
  • Is there a reason (besides uniformity) that she wants flats? I *suggested* flats to my BMs because we had to walk on grass, but one of my sisters always wears heels and can manage to not tip over on grass so that's what she wore and I didn't GAF. 

    Also, light gray is kind of a hard color to match. If she wants uniformity, she'd be better off choosing a color vs. heel height. 

    I like the suggestion of gently asking her if she would lose her crap over a tiny heel, as that would make you more comfortable. And then ignore anything else this renegade BM brings up!! ;) 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Unfortunately I've never met the renegade; she's a friend of the groom's who lives out of state. She is definitely bringing up stuff the bride normally wouldn't have even thought about; she has four months to plan the entire thing, and I had the impression she was trying to keep it as simple a process as possible. So other than jumping in with, "Oh, that's no big deal," every time she comes up with something else, I'm not sure what else I can do.

    IDK, man. I have pewter-ish flats that I might have gotten away with if she hadn't specified "light" grey. I don't wear a ton of flats, so I'm gonna have to buy new shoes regardless; I'd just like to be able to get something I might actually wear again. But I think she'll get over a one- or two-inch heel if it's the right color; and if not, that's a darn shame.
    PrettyGirlLostdowntondivashort+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • Is it possible that the renegade BM is a detail oriented people pleaser and the bride is overwhelmed? 

    I think as plenty of PPs said, pick your battles.   Just say, "Hey if you need us in flats these are the ones I have." 


    charlotte989875ahoyweddingholyguacamole79OliveOilsMom
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    banana468 said:
    Is it possible that the renegade BM is a detail oriented people pleaser and the bride is overwhelmed? 

    I think as plenty of PPs said, pick your battles.   Just say, "Hey if you need us in flats these are the ones I have." 


    A quick google search found a plethora of pewter flats, but only a smattering of light grey flats.  Perhaps you could plant a "pewter bug" in someone's ear!

    Honestly, I would do something along the lines of @banana468's suggestion.  In a private text, I would say, "Here is a picture of the flats I have.  Hope this works!" and let it go.  No two short navy dresses will be an identical shade, and no two light grey shoes will, either.  Simply by having one wear patent leather and another leather will make them different.  Thankfully, that has yet to be specified.
    short+sassynightnerd
  • edited August 8
    I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    I wouldn't die on that hill. No one will remember what shoes she is wearing - especially if the dresses are long no one will likely even see them. As for your pictures, I doubt you will even see them. Practicality wise, I am assuming she is adult so if her feet are cold in snow that is on her not you.
    MairePoppycharlotte989875InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    I wouldn't die on that hill. No one will remember what shoes she is wearing - especially if the dresses are long no one will likely even see them. As for your pictures, I doubt you will even see them. Practicality wise, I am assuming she is adult so if her feet are cold in snow that is on her not you.
    I forgot what shoes one of my sisters wore until I saw the pictures...and she borrowed a pair of mine!
    short+sassyknottief16b91b9887217a6OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    @nightnerd I wouldn't say a word to the bride unless she brings it up directly with you. Wear your pewter kitten heels. Who will even see them under a long navy blue dress? You shouldn't have to compromise comfort and budget to please a micromanaging bride, or in your case, bm. I wonder if the other bms are happy with the latest detail. Switching from a heel to flats might mean some of them will have to get their dresses hemmed.
                
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    Is she advocating for closed-toe for the whole group or just stating that this is her preference for her own feet? There is a difference between a bridesmaid dictating a bride's entire vision and merely trying to make sure she will be comfortable. I, and I hope nobody else, would never impinge on my friend's entire vision for her wedding day, but there are some miniscule issues that honestly don't matter in the big picture but can make a world of difference to the wedding party

    Your friend sounds like she has a strong personality, and I can understand why you are sick of hearing every opinion. Hopefully she will chill out, but in the meantime, I don't know if it's worth it to insist upon closed-toe shoes. She can freeze her toes off, and you won't even notice because you'll be too busy getting married! :)
    knottief16b91b9887217a6JediElizabethOliveOilsMom
  • I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    Not a hill worth dying on, let her freeze her feet off... js...  She's a "Typical polarity responder" - tell her you changed your mind to strappy and I guarantee you they'll be closed toe black...  

    I have incredibly hard to fit skis for feet, shoes are one area I firmly say "just dictate the color if you're going to dictate anything on the shoes!"..
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    knottief16b91b9887217a6
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    Just let her wear whatever shoes she wants! 

    NO ONE IS GOING TO SEE THEIR SHOES. Can you honestly tell me that you can remember what shoes the BMs wore at any past wedding you've attended? I don't even remember what color/type of shoe my MOH wore. 

    Practicality? So what? If she wants to have cold feet, that's her problem. Let it go, dude. 

    MissKittyDangerPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    Just let her wear whatever shoes she wants! 

    NO ONE IS GOING TO SEE THEIR SHOES. Can you honestly tell me that you can remember what shoes the BMs wore at any past wedding you've attended? I don't even remember what color/type of shoe my MOH wore. 

    Practicality? So what? If she wants to have cold feet, that's her problem. Let it go, dude. 
    To the bolded, it depends on the dress.

    Funny I was just talking about this to one of my friends. I told the girls "black shoes. Idc if it's heels, flats, wedges, etc as long as you're comfortable. Don't worry about buying new shoes if you have a pair."

    My friend opted to buy new shoes {any excuse for new shoes ;)!} she bought wedges. We were looking at the photos and she noticed that everyone else had "cute little kitten heels" and she had "blocky wedges"
    We laughed because it's been 2 years and that's first time it was noticed!!
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    knottief16b91b9887217a6short+sassy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    Just let her wear whatever shoes she wants! 

    NO ONE IS GOING TO SEE THEIR SHOES. Can you honestly tell me that you can remember what shoes the BMs wore at any past wedding you've attended? I don't even remember what color/type of shoe my MOH wore. 

    Practicality? So what? If she wants to have cold feet, that's her problem. Let it go, dude. 
    To the bolded, it depends on the dress.

    Funny I was just talking about this to one of my friends. I told the girls "black shoes. Idc if it's heels, flats, wedges, etc as long as you're comfortable. Don't worry about buying new shoes if you have a pair."

    My friend opted to buy new shoes {any excuse for new shoes ;)!} she bought wedges. We were looking at the photos and she noticed that everyone else had "cute little kitten heels" and she had "blocky wedges"
    We laughed because it's been 2 years and that's first time it was noticed!!
    This particular Knottie#s said that her dresses are long. That's why I tried to point out to her that literally no one will see their shoes. 



    MissKittyDangerPrettyGirlLost
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    I'm a bride who has a BM who has been resistant to every idea/thing I've suggested for my bridal party. Specifically, particular BM has had STRONG opinions about dress length, style and color. Eventually we picked out a dress that flattered all my girls (there's only 4 of them), but now she's on about the shoes! I personally don't care if they wear heels or flats, but I requested black and closed toe because it'll be mid November and the potential for snow is likely. Now, once again, she's resistant. The color isn't the issue--the closed-toe is. She want to wear strappy sandals or peek-a-boo toe heel. I know the dresses are long, and likely no one will notice, but honestly it's almost the straw that beaks the camels back--she's been so opinionated the entire time. and for pictures-sake, and practicality, I just want closed toed shoes. In your case, I recommend talking to your bride friend about the heel. Honestly, as long as the color is what she wants, it should be fine. I shared my story because I've found that it can be frustrating/difficult to voice my opinions as the bride, to be a bride and be like "I think" or "I would like". Hopefully you can talk it out and reach a compromise. 
    She's not a fucking child! 

    If you're telling the truth that you want closed toe because of the weather, and she decides to go with open toe, she'll just have cold feet. 100% not your problem. Do you call her every morning in April to remind her to take an umbrella to work in case it rains? She can dress herself for the weather or deal with the consequences. There's no need to micromanage this! 
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • I wore peep toe shoes in the winter.   If it was super cold I packed boots to wear in the car for JIC.   I can't imagine any bride that would force outdoor photos if it's so cold that the shoe choice is a concern so.....the shoe choice shouldn't be a concern. 
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
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