Wedding Woes

Bonus letter: Yeah, you need to talk about it.

Dear Jane,

I have an issue. My husband and I have been together for seven years. We are both in our 30s, working professionals. Considering my husband mentioned last week “I would just rather hang out with you than other people” I feel pretty safe that we are working as a couple that appreciates and likes/loves each other.

Our sex life ranges from AMAZING to meh and this is the issue. Occasionally my husband will be ready to go and we start to have sex and halfway through he loses his... spirit, haha. I try to not let it get to me but after it occurs he wants to keep trying to have sex and sometimes we try 3x a day to no avail. I get really upset because not only do I feel like I am killing his mood but also by the third time I just don’t.want.to.have.sex.anymore. Usually he is in a rush to have sex and many times I am barely in the mood. I will be a good sport and try for a while but usually I am so over it that I know that I am not being a very happy sexual partner. This is usually around once or twice a month.

I don’t know how to talk to my husband about this. I feel that saying “Hi I am sorry I keep killing your boner and it makes me feel bad about myself and also I need you to pay more attention to foreplay with my when you want to keep trying because the sex is so demeaning that I get anxiety” is not the best way to broach the subject. When our sex is great it’s GREAT but I don’t know how to let him know that a. I don’t know why he keeps losing his wind halfway through. Is it me? Does he need a doctor? and b. I need him to be a more attentive lover if he wants to have sex more than once a day!

My main concern is that he will think that he’s bad at sex and so then he feels more pressure to perform—not only to keep his boner but also to please me so I am not having a bad time. It feels like I am asking a lot and i am not sure if this is also something that happens to men and I shouldn’t freak out.

Please help!

Sincerely,

Hanging in there

Re: Bonus letter: Yeah, you need to talk about it.

  • Good lord so many things; 1) "sex is so demeaning" is a huge thing that needs to be addressed ASAP. 2) what about when it's goood makes it that way? Try highlighting that to him so that it keeps happening. 3) Have a conversation about why he's "loosing steam"; are you not into it and he can tell? If so why are you doing it when you're not into it? 4) wanting to have a fulfilling sex life that meets your needs is not asking a lot and you need to really believe that. 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueens
  • This is an important and open conversation they need to have.  Multiple conversations over time, really.  She should definitely make pains to emphasize how their sex life is so often great, but here are some issues to talk about to make it great all the time.  Definitely no "blaming him".

    She also needs to stop with the self defeating "does he lose his boner because of me?"  Talk about eroding confidence and exacerbating the problem.  And, yes, I think her H should go to the doctor.  There very well might be a physical reason for some of the impotency he is experiencing.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    kimmiinthemittenOurWildKingdomOliveOilsMomVarunaTT
  • Only 7 years in and so young? What a crappy situation. 

    If all else is good with them and this was never an issue in the past, he probably does need to talk to a doctor and see if there's a medical reason for this. If there's no medical reason, well then maybe talking a counselor can be their Plan B.
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    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    baconsmom said:
    Honestly, in his 30s? It's probably nothing. I mean, I've had a fair amount of men lose their boners because, well, they're in their 40s. It happens. I've never thought it was my fault. 

    Yeah, open your mouth and talk. NOT DURING SEX. Not even in bed. Go out for brunch or something. And KEEP TALKING. It's not one conversation and everything's fixed, or if it's not, that's the end of that. 
    Second this. Have the conversation outside of bed, maybe even in a neutral setting.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Sex conversations can be so rewarding yet so hard to have. What could be better than figuring out how to have better sex??

    I think LW needs to sit down and think about what sex looks/feels/is when it is 'good'. I think she also needs to think about what sex looks/feels/is when it is 'not good'. It is important to figure out expectations about how often, when and what to do if something isn't going well to find out if needs are been expressed.

    I agree with PP that a conversation needs to happen away from the bedroom and when sex has been 'good'. A conversation could be: "So we had some amazing sex the other night. I really liked x,y,z about it. What did you think? I know that I've felt a bit bummed when we haven't had that kind of sex and I wanted to talk about it. Have you felt that way?" LW can then lead the discussion to talk about what hasn't been working and what they can do to start working towards consistency with 'good' sex.

    Loosing erections with frequency or within a pattern could be a sign of a medical problem so I wouldn't rule out chatting with a MD. I wouldn't recommend this as a first step as many men are reluctant to bring up these type of issues with a MD and knowing that you've tried to work on things first is probably a good idea.

    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
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