Photos and Video

First Look and FMIL

I absolutely love the idea of a first look photo-shoot. It's intimate and compliments the low-key personality of FI and I. I have mentioned multiple times to people, including FMIL, that FI and I will meet alone to have a first look, then travel to the venue to take pictures with family. We recently had our engagement photo-shoot and the conversation of the first look came up, when she says "Mama would like to be there" in a baby voice, referring to herself.
I've had multiple disagreements in the past with FMIL about several aspects of the wedding. At one point she said our wedding was going to be a shit show and threatened to tell her family not to show up if we held our ceremony in a chapel instead of a church. All revolving around the fact that FI and I want simple and low-key and she wants a big fancy wedding. 
I know some brides choose to have family at their first look. We are choosing to not to. I did not extend an invitation to any of my family members to go to the first look. 
Is she ignoring my previous statements, or thinking FI will say jump in and say "yeah, come along!"?
How do I politely tell her, I want it to just be FI and I? 


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Re: First Look and FMIL

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Let your FI tell his mom that she's not welcome at the first look. 

    I also did a first look, and it was just me and my husband. I've honestly never heard of a first look where other family members were present. 

    STARMOON44charlotte989875OurWildKingdomSP29
  • Your FI deals with his mom. Period and always. For holiday stuff, for grandchildren stuff, for "drop by visit" stuff....Like, always.

    Y'all need to be on the same page though. Honestly, I wouldn't even tell her where and what time you're doing it since she kind of sounds pushy enough to be a crasher. When she asks just tell her "we haven't decided yet" or "we're still figuring it out" and then change the subject. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomSP29
  • Yikes his mom sounds bonkers! I would let him tell her (in no uncertain terms) that she is not invited to the first look. We did a first look too, and loved it. Our family photos were right after, so our families & WP waited in the building while we did the first look, and then one of the photographers went in to grab them once we were done.

    Be sure that you & your FI are setting firm boundaries with her now, because she sounds like she's going to push any limits.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Yes! I agree with all everything! I wasn't sure if this was a bridezilla moment. Now I don't feel so crazy.
    Thankfully he has been very supportive throughout the whole thing and has been by my side the entire time taking the brunt of her tantrums. 
    @lovesclimbing I agree that he should be the one to tell her and he is on board. I'm just not sure it will be easier, in the past she takes the opportunity to tell him how unreasonable/selfish he is being because this is "her only wedding."
    @southernbelle0915, thankfully when she mentioned that he immediately jumped in and said we didn't have any details.
    @climbingwife and @charlotte989875 I was in a BP, we were present at the first look in addition to the parents and grandparents. I felt like it was weird but each couple is different.
     
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  • Yes! I agree with all everything! I wasn't sure if this was a bridezilla moment. Now I don't feel so crazy.
    Thankfully he has been very supportive throughout the whole thing and has been by my side the entire time taking the brunt of her tantrums. 
    @lovesclimbing I agree that he should be the one to tell her and he is on board. I'm just not sure it will be easier, in the past she takes the opportunity to tell him how unreasonable/selfish he is being because this is "her only wedding."
    @southernbelle0915, thankfully when she mentioned that he immediately jumped in and said we didn't have any details.
    @climbingwife and @charlotte989875 I was in a BP, we were present at the first look in addition to the parents and grandparents. I felt like it was weird but each couple is different.
     

    Too bad. He has to grow a backbone (or reinforce the one he has) and shut that down.

    Don't get involved and leave blood to talk to blood.

    He should probably start with "Mom, it is completely inappropriate to talk like a baby. I can appreciate you would like to be included, but a first look is not something that you are being invited to. You will be included in family photographs." If she puts up a stink, he can always threaten to not include her in anything ... but then you all have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.

    Her behaviour is learned and it is coming from how she has been interacted with and what she gets from displaying that behaviour. If you all cave, she will continue with that.

    ahoyweddingOurWildKingdomsparklepants41SP29
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    member
    I absolutely love the idea of a first look photo-shoot. It's intimate and compliments the low-key personality of FI and I. I have mentioned multiple times to people, including FMIL, that FI and I will meet alone to have a first look, then travel to the venue to take pictures with family. We recently had our engagement photo-shoot and the conversation of the first look came up, when she says "Mama would like to be there" in a baby voice, referring to herself.
    I've had multiple disagreements in the past with FMIL about several aspects of the wedding. At one point she said our wedding was going to be a shit show and threatened to tell her family not to show up if we held our ceremony in a chapel instead of a church. All revolving around the fact that FI and I want simple and low-key and she wants a big fancy wedding. 
    I know some brides choose to have family at their first look. We are choosing to not to. I did not extend an invitation to any of my family members to go to the first look. 
    Is she ignoring my previous statements, or thinking FI will say jump in and say "yeah, come along!"?
    How do I politely tell her, I want it to just be FI and I? 


    Was his mom at your engagement photo shoot too?  I wonder if you guys are setting a precedent with her that needs to stop sooner rather than later!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    First and foremost, you need to get your FI to support you when she pulls this crap.

    Second, I would not give her the details of where the first look is happening. If she knows, she'll barge in.

    Third, just in case, I'd arrange for a trusted relative, friend or DOC who can handle your FMIL keep her away if she shows up at the first look.
  • @ernursej He's been doing so much over the past year, its a bit ridiculous the things that she says when he shuts her down. I'm really grateful that he is so supportive of our decisions. I agree, caving in is not an option. 
    @lovesclimbing, I like the way you worded that. I will pass it on to him!
    @kaos16 No she was not at the engagement shoot. We didn't talk about it until afterwards. In the beginning I would talk about my ideas and she would agree with me then trash my ideas to FI via text or phone. He stopped taking her phone calls and we didn't include her in any wedding conversations/activities for about a year and she calmed down.
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    ahoyweddingJen4948
  • @Jen4948 He is very supportive of our choices and aware of his mother. He has agreed with me that she should not be there and will be the one to talk to her.
    We haven't given her any details, I've only mentioned that it would be FI and I taking photos. No place or time. I like your suggestion of delegating someone else to handle her just in case she shows up. =)
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    ahoyweddingJen4948charlotte989875
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    @Jen4948 He is very supportive of our choices and aware of his mother. He has agreed with me that she should not be there and will be the one to talk to her.
    We haven't given her any details, I've only mentioned that it would be FI and I taking photos. No place or time. I like your suggestion of delegating someone else to handle her just in case she shows up. =)
    Thanks! I would actually take that stance for the whole wedding and only give her information on a need-to-know basis, as well as having someone else handle her throughout the entire event since she sounds like a real piece of work.
    ernursej
  • @Jen4948 Oh, we've been trying. Its a bit ridiculous. I teach Kindergarten and I have witnessed more tantrums from her than my students. 
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    Jen4948OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    @Jen4948 Oh, we've been trying. Its a bit ridiculous. I teach Kindergarten and I have witnessed more tantrums from her than my students. 
    Sorry to hear that! Best wishes!
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    MobKaz said:
    @knottie1027 said, " We recently had our engagement photo-shoot and the conversation of the first look came up, when she says "Mama would like to be there" in a baby voice, referring to herself.

    Reading that sent shivers down my spine. 

    No.  No.  No.  It makes me wonder where else "mama would like to be" throughout your marriage and subsequent milestones.  It sounds like "mama" is used to getting her way.  YOU should not need to have "multiple disagreements with your FMIL.  These are issues that either your FI and you face together, or just FI to his family. 

    Do NOT divulge any unnecessary wedding information to your FMIL, including any details regarding the when and where of your first look.  Mama is clearly having some separation issues.  Start setting firm and clear boundaries NOW as a united couple.
    Yep.

    Anniversary

    charlotte989875levioosalnixon8OliveOilsMom
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    knottie1027 - you sound cool.  Stick around!

    I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I'm glad to hear that your FI is on the same page.  I hope he's able to be firm with her and stand your ground.  Dealing with in-laws can be one of the more difficult (and often underestimated) challenges of a new marriage.  Encourage your FI to stand his (your) ground ... if you're weak now, this will only get worse as your marriage progresses.



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    ahoywedding
  • @flantastic That was my face when she said "Mama would like to be there"
    @holyguacamole79 Thank you for the words of encouragement! During the planning process she has made me feel like I was doing something wrong at every point. It's good to hear opinions from other women and know I'm not being unreasonable.
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    holyguacamole79SP29
  • @flantastic That was my face when she said "Mama would like to be there"
    @holyguacamole79 Thank you for the words of encouragement! During the planning process she has made me feel like I was doing something wrong at every point. It's good to hear opinions from other women and know I'm not being unreasonable.
    You sound very reasonable, don't let her think otherwise! It's good you're thinking about boundaries now, and that you & your FI are in agreement, which will set the tone for the rest of your marriage (omg if you have kids...!). Best of luck with her! :) 
    charlotte989875holyguacamole79InLoveInQueens
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Jen4948 said:
    @Jen4948 He is very supportive of our choices and aware of his mother. He has agreed with me that she should not be there and will be the one to talk to her.
    We haven't given her any details, I've only mentioned that it would be FI and I taking photos. No place or time. I like your suggestion of delegating someone else to handle her just in case she shows up. =)
    Thanks! I would actually take that stance for the whole wedding and only give her information on a need-to-know basis, as well as having someone else handle her throughout the entire event since she sounds like a real piece of work.
    @knottie1027, I would tread carefully here.  Delegating this "security" job to another family member smacks a bit to asking a family member to spend their time babysitting children versus enjoying the evening as a guest. 

    If she is married, you might get away with sharing your concerns with her husband.  However, I do not think it is appropriate to ask any other family member to carry that burden or to feel responsible if FMIL does do something.


    flantasticOurWildKingdomInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Let your FI tell his mom that she's not welcome at the first look. 

    I also did a first look, and it was just me and my husband. I've honestly never heard of a first look where other family members were present. 
    We actually did a first look with our parents, siblings and WP.    

    Most people do not, but it worked better for us to have them there.   I actually enjoyed it.   Both moms cried.  My nieces were jumping up and down when DH turned around.  It was my dad's first look at me in my dress too.  Everyone was cheering.  It was a really sweet moment.   

    Clearly the OP doesn't want that and it should be respected.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • @MobKaz
    I already spoke to FI and he agrees that we just want to two of us. He will talk to her about it and if she is still adamant on going I was thinking of asking FMIL Husband to keep her occupied during the First Look. It would not be an all night assignment. I'm sure that once the reception starts she will be occupied by her family members. 

    I definitely don't want this to be a breaking point between the two of us. We had a rough start with the wedding planning and we are at a good place now. 
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