Moms and Maids

How to handle a baby at DW?

I'm a first time mom with what will be a 6 month old. My sister is having a DW. Both my husband and I are in the wedding party. I'm fairly stressed about a couple things. 

Issue 1, what to do with her during the ceremony. Since we'll both be standing up with my sister, neither of us can hold her. I can ask other family that will be there of course, my parents or my aunt, but what if she starts fussing or all out wailing? I can't ask my parents to miss my sister's ceremony right? My aunt maybe? But it feels like an overly burdensome request for someone that isn't intimate family. My MIL was going to do it, but now she's not going (no one from my husband's side is). What do I do?

issue 2. She needs hour long naps 3x a day, but you have to hold her through the whole thing. If you put her down, she wakes up. That's not something we're going to fix in the next 2 weeks so we're stuck with it. If my husband and I are going to be needed for pictures etc prewedding (I remember the whole morning before mine being a pretty packed schedule), then neither of us can be disappearing into a dark room for an hour. I guess this is maybe a more acceptable request for my aunt?

Ive yet to leave her with anyone except family. So I'm not totally comfortable the first time being a total stranger that I have to book without any personal referrals and without meeting beforehand (both impossible since we're in another country.) So babysitter isn't really an option. 

Thoughts? Brilliant out of the box inspirations?

Re: How to handle a baby at DW?

  • Ugh I can totally relate to the stress of a needy baby and having wedding party obligations. So first of all, I'm sorry you're having to stress about this. 

    Since the wedding is in two weeks, I'm guessing you can't ask someone you know and trust to travel with you? That would have been ideal. Expensive, but ideal.

    I actually don't think it's unfair to ask someone to hold your baby during the ceremony. Unless it's some crazy-long religious ceremony, you're talking about 15/20 minutes. Asking your aunt to hold your baby for that amount of time is not a big deal. It's family. 

    Does she fall asleep in a reclined stroller? Even my colicky/fussy baby would fall asleep with the motion and bumps and a sound machine. If so, she can go where you go during the day and someone can rock the stroller for the few minutes you're taking photos.

    Lastly, I don't know where you're going, but many resorts have babysitting services through the hotel. If that's an option, you could either drop her off at the daycare or hire someone to come to your room for the day. 
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  • Oh and ditto @MobKaz on considering working on her nap routine for the long run - sleeping on you is ok when they're newborns, but at 6 months, you're creating a habit that will be very hard to break. Especially the longer you let it go on.

    Once you realize what it's like to have the child's nap time as "you time", you will never go back. I promise. 
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    ILoveBeachMusicCMGragain
  • filawfilaw
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
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    I forgot to mention my husband is on the bride's not the groom's side. 

    My MIL was going to come and that was the plan. She had to drop out last minute, though, which is how we got here. 

    As for sleep training, yeah...  My husband's the primary caregiver, though, and he's happy with the state of things, and since he's the one who has to deal with it whatever it is, I feel like he gets to have the most say in what he wants to do you know?

    Ill talk to my sis about the possibility if she starts fussing/wailing, one of the two of us we'll probably just walk over to whoever's holding her and take her out of the room? I don't mind doing it. It's more the disruption that I'm worried about since we'll be standing up in front of everyone. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I don't think you should put this responsibility on a relative. Either you or your H should be taking her away for these naps. Same if she fusses during the ceremony. 

    lizybeffPrettyGirlLost
  • I was going to suggest getting a ring sling or wrap. You could find one in linen that would match your dress. 

    I feel your pain. My son sounds very much like your LO. 
  • Babysitter. Get comfortable with it. You knew this was coming. 

    Or tell your your sister your husband can't be involved in the ceremony because he has to take care of the baby. 
    southernbelle0915InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • Honestly at the point you knew you were pregnant and would have a small child with two people in the wedding one of you should probably have dropped out to take care of the child but still attended the wedding.

    Now you either have to depend on family or a babysitter. 

    And holding the child during a nap? No way.
    InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    You need to get comfortable leaving your child with a babysitter ASAP. Because that's really your only option.
    InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44ILoveBeachMusicPrettyGirlLost
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I totally get the mindset of "It's easier right now and I like it" in terms of your husband and holding the baby during nap, but as you're beginning to see, it's just not sustainable, nor is it going to be good for your child's sleep habits long term. There are situations (and they'll get more frequent) where that just doesn't work. This is one. So you need to start weaning both the baby and yourselves off that habit.

    Whatever happens in two weeks will happen. Either your baby doesn't really nap that day, or they figure out how to sleep not in your arms, or they're not thrilled to be with a sitter for 30 minutes to an hour but they survive, or they're totally fine with it. No long term damage will be inflicted, it's just probably going to be a hard day.

    Stepping out of wedding things to nurse is a necessity, stepping out multiple times to find a dark room to hold your child for an hour plus is inflexibility. You're right that you can't ask another family member to hold your child during the ceremony either, so either one of you has to step down or you have to find an outside sitter. Other people have given good suggestions of in-between options to bridge the gap of the rest of the day, but you're not going to be able to work the day around the habits you've created, and it really would be a good idea to help your kid learn how to sleep on their own - for their own sake as well as yours.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
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    Will the baby sleep in a stroller?  That could be helpful for both ceremony and pictures. . . maybe invest in a Sleep Sheep to give her some white noise.

    When it comes to sleeping, I remember when my son was tiny and I used to love when he would fall asleep in my arms.. . . and I was always pretty sad to put him down in his swing or crib, but I kept doing it and he got used to it and he is a fantastic napper and sleeper now. . . . It's also helpful to have that hour to get things done. 

  • CMGragain said:
    Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

    You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.
    For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

    Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.
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  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
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    CMGragain said:
    Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

    You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.
    For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

    Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

    Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.
  • kaos16 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

    You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.
    For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

    Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

    Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.
    Found one link but it's not the one I was hoping for. I'll see if I can find another one if you'd like:
    http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/self-soothing-myths-busted/
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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    kaos16 said:
     
    kaos16 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

    You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.
    For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

    Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

    Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.
    Found one link but it's not the one I was hoping for. I'll see if I can find another one if you'd like:
    http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/self-soothing-myths-busted/
    Interesting article, my reading of it is that it encourages sleep training/ self soothing and its associated benefits.
    Same. I also don't see how the link is related - it does seem to think that self-soothing is a coached skill. There's no mention of scientifically-identified babies who straight up can't. I'd be interested to see that other article if you find it.

    I think there is a bridge between "leave the child on its own and it'll figure it out" and creating a very narrow set of parameters (darkness, being held) in which a child will be able to sleep. DD gets to sleep in her bed with her stuff for most naps, but every so often I try to change things up so that she has the ability to sleep anywhere and everywhere.

    Anniversary

    STARMOON44charlotte989875InLoveInQueensSP29
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    My bff almost never puts her kid down. Never. As a result, he barely will play on his own before starting to cry and reaching up to be held. He can't nap without cosleeping and being rocked to sleep while standing. I had to watch him for a day and I was fucking exhausted. He had no self soothing skills at 8 months old. He couldn't entertain himself for five minutes. Meanwhile his cousin was just cracking herself up on the playmat with a rattle. BFF definitely is creating a monster. But then again she wanted her kids to be absolutely dependent on her (her words), so I'm not surprised. 


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    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
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    banana468 said:
    In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

    My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

    At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

    DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

    My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  

    Agrred, no mom-shaming allowed. . . . it's tough enough trying to raise kids without everyone telling you you are doing it wrong!

    I do, however, think that its wise for OP to be open to suggestions of other potential options when she is expressing how limiting their current routine is.

    MissKittyDanger
  • banana468 said:
    In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

    My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

    At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

    DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

    My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  

    For reference I wasn't mom-shaming!

    OT: if any mom felt I was, I do apologize. I wasn't intending that
    cat animals pallas cat GIF
  • banana468 said:
    In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

    My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

    At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

    DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

    My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  
    My son couldn't be "sleep trained". He was a horrible sleeper until he was almost 3. Now, he sleeps almost 12 hours a night. We couldn't put our son down to sleep either for naps. I highly suggest a wrap or ring sling OP. It will save your sanity. 
    MesmrEwe
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited August 22
    2 weeks - yea - sleep training isn't going to happen in that short of time nor does it work with all babies, OP knows her LO and I'm sure has DONE everything she can to change this and the only thing to come out is a million methods that don't work for her LO...  I had a colicy fuss bucket in DS for the first 14 months I never slept longer than 90 minutes at a stretch and all of it was in my arms because I could not find a way to put him down and he stay asleep.  Not even the car seat was an option as he'd wake up the second that was set down and didn't fall asleep on car rides...  Funniest thing we had happen, laid him down on a warm fleece blanket, and I got 4 hours of sleep but that took a lot of coaxing to do..  Her 6mo will not need to be held when they go off to college, if this is what works for them, leave routine ALONE because the travel to a DW is going to be disruptive enough (and the perfect time to change anything THEN, NOT NOW because the routine will be shaken up, and only if the OP chooses based on what works for OP)..  

    Here's what you do - roll with it!  If you have to hand off LO to Grandma/pa/aunt/uncle/Gravel Gurtie/etc. because you've got to pose for a picture or 10, do so.  At the end of the evening you'll get LO back or if they start fussing people will B-line for you.  B&G chose you to be in the WP knowing you've got LO to contend with.   If you are holding LO during the ceremony, just make sure they've got a cute outfit or two for the day!  Don't overthink this, you've got too much else to contend with like remembering the binkie and backups, diapers, burp towels, etc.

    ETA: NAF of the whole anonymous person you or family hasn't met to know they're o.k. It's one thing if it's someone that comes highly recommended (i.e. Daycare staff who watches cousin's LO and will be watching their LO during the event too), it's another for you to find a random person, IDRGARA who someone says on their website they've been checked out by, just no...
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    kwiksilvershort+sassy
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