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What would you do?

I am having a HARD time making a decision, mostly because it may go against traditional etiquette. I am aware that it can be taboo. As I write this I am asking for your response in this situation according to how you feel, not etiquette. Here it goes...
FI's friend did not have plus 1 during the time the STD were sent out because he was not in a relationship and is very close friends with everyone that he will be sitting with. We sent out invitations and he has entered a new relationship. I barely know her and on one of the very few times we hung out she yelled at me to "shut my whore mouth". Now he is asking to bring her to the wedding. 
Part of me is pissed off. She never apologized and when I mentioned it to FI's friend he played it off as she was "just joking" and has a strong personality. 
Honestly, what would you do?
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Re: What would you do?

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    I am having a HARD time making a decision, mostly because it may go against traditional etiquette. I am aware that it can be taboo. As I write this I am asking for your response in this situation according to how you feel, not etiquette. Here it goes...
    FI's friend did not have plus 1 during the time the STD were sent out because he was not in a relationship and is very close friends with everyone that he will be sitting with. We sent out invitations and he has entered a new relationship. I barely know her and on one of the very few times we hung out she yelled at me to "shut my whore mouth". Now he is asking to bring her to the wedding. 
    Part of me is pissed off. She never apologized and when I mentioned it to FI's friend he played it off as she was "just joking" and has a strong personality. 
    Honestly, what would you do?

    Do you have room in your budget for an extra person?  If so, I say extend the olive branch and invite her along with FI's friend.   Unless you go out of your way to do so, you probably won't notice her at your wedding.  I know it's a cliché thing to say and hard to believe.  Heck, I was mad at my own brother at our wedding.  We managed to get by with simply thanking him for coming to the wedding. 



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    short+sassyOurWildKingdomKnottie1454998604
  • @downtondiva and @leviosaa That is exactly why I am torn. I know I am pissed, but that doesn't mean I am right. I chose to come here because I feel family and friends are most likely going to be "yes men" and appease to what they think you want to hear. I appreciate the non-biased opinion. Do you think there is anything that can be done to ease the tension before the day? 
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  • @holyguacamole79 I didn't plan her in my budget because she wasn't around when I made it. Although I do not think that is a great reason. Also, FMIL had added 6 people since I made my original list. I took those people because she is helping us with the wedding. So I'm already over budget =/
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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    @downtondiva and @leviosaa That is exactly why I am torn. I know I am pissed, but that doesn't mean I am right. I chose to come here because I feel family and friends are most likely going to be "yes men" and appease to what they think you want to hear. I appreciate the non-biased opinion. Do you think there is anything that can be done to ease the tension before the day? 

    Don't interact? I don't understand why there'd be tension if you're gracious (if brief) in interacting with her, whether at your wedding or any time you chance to see her before. You don't need to go out of your way to be sure you do see her before, or say anything specific to the friend. Sounds like he's either clueless or pretending nothing happened, which means on his end there is no tension.

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    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • @levioosa I think he said it was a joke because he couldn't defend her saying it. I wasn't even talking when she yelled at me, I was more confused than anything. You are right that he will feel alienated and that is not the road I want to go down. Thank you for the honest opinion. 
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  • @flantastic I ask because when he asked to bring her I was not sure what to do. I told him that I would get back to him because I did not want to say anything that I would regret. He in turn told her that she couldn't come. So there is currently tension on her end.
    Side note, he also wants to bring her to my joint bachelorette/bachelor party.  
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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    edited August 16
    @flantastic I ask because when he asked to bring her I was not sure what to do. I told him that I would get back to him because I did not want to say anything that I would regret. He in turn told her that she couldn't come. So there is currently tension on her end.
    Side note, he also wants to bring her to my joint bachelorette/bachelor party.  
    Mmm, since the bachelor/ette is co-ed it's tougher, but I assume most of the guest list aren't actual couples, just people who are mostly independently friends with you and friends with your FI gathering. In that case, "We're keeping it to just the bridal party." If your bridal party members are bringing SOs not in the party, though, his request is reasonable.

    I can see where there'd be tension now, but most recently it was caused by you - you didn't have to say the second half of your response to him, just that you'd get back to him. (ETA - I realized that you may have just said "I'll get back to you" and added in the second half as explanation just for us. In that case, never mind.)

    If he's already told her she can't come to the wedding, I can't imagine why he or she would want her to come to the bach. In terms of clearing up the wedding invite, I'd say, "Sorry for the confusion, but she'd be welcome." You don't have to say "We'd be happy to have her" or anything that would be untrue, but you should make her welcome like any other guest.

    I also agree with @levioosa that her comment was something in poor taste to say to someone you barely know, and just poor taste in general, but I do know people who talk like that to people they consider friends and just think it's funny. You don't have to like her and you're free to think her uncouth, but I wouldn't overreact either.

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    charlotte989875short+sassyInLoveInQueensSP29
  • @levioosa I understand where you are coming from and I can't take that situation back. I was caught off guard and did not handle it in the best way. I did not want my initial reaction of annoyance to be my first response. Which is why I did not give an immediate answer. But with all of your responses, I have guidance on how to address the situation, which I am grateful for.  
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  • knottie1027knottie1027
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    edited August 16
    @flantastic The only couples are me and my FH and two of FH's best friends which happen to be a couple. Other than that everyone is leaving their SO home. According to FH's friend ,she is insisting on coming to the joint party because ETA. (FH's friend's) ex is my MOH. Oh the drama. 

    Yes, the second half of that sentence was an explanation, I did not say it to him. 
    Thank you for the suggestion. 

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  • @LondonLisa To give you an idea of the situation, there were 7 people sitting in a car that can barely fit 5 (yes, not a safe situation). The incident was built on her refusal to give the coveted passenger seat to another friend (he typically takes the front seat because he is a wider build) because it was her boyfriends car, as stated by her. Then she yelled at me and another female passenger to stop singing, meanwhile it was the radio. Followed by her wanting to eat at White Castle, I mentioned I'd pass because I've gotten sick eating there before. Which she responded by telling me to "get out of the car and walk home" , we weren't far from my apartment so looking back I should have left. Then I was talking to my FI about a burrito place and stop when I was told to "shut my whore mouth". When she said it other people in the car were caught off guard, I was not the only person who was confused by her statement. 

    I don't see how it was a joke, considering her behavior leading up to it. If it was, I would have appreciated some sort of convo to clear the air because it clearly left a bad taste in my and my FI's mouth. I was forward with FI's friend about how I felt about the statement and he only disregarded it. IDK maybe he thinks it's "cute" she has a foul mouth. 

    I know if I were new to a very established small group of friends and something I said rubbed someone the wrong way, I'd make it a point to try to clear the air. I understand that my reaction to a situation is not what everyone else would do. 

    I appreciate your alternative view to give the statement some meaning, possibly making it light hearted humor. I'm just not sure if it fits =/
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  • I'm actually going to go against the grain here and say you don't have to invite her. 

    They became an item AFTER your invitations went out. Not just your STDs, your actually wedding invitations. Right? 

    knottie1027 said: We sent out invitations and he has entered a new relationship. 

    In that type of a situation (where someone starts a new relationship AFTER invitations have already been sent), I think it is appropriate to say "after we gather our RSVPs, we will have to see if we can accommodate your new girlfriend." 
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    Knottie1454998604
  • @southernbelle0915 I don't know EXACTLY when they started dating. It might have been somewhere in between, I wasn't aware of the change in his relationship status.  I'd have to find out. I do see the distinction and agree that it makes a difference. 
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    Invite her to the wedding. I also had a friend that became serious with someone after invites when out. I had never met the SO. 

    I think it's absolutely fine to not have her come to your bach party. Also, I agree with London Lisa that it's a pretty well known quote from Anchorman. Maybe she was just trying to be funny, and it fell flat. Why not just give her another chance? Be the bigger person. 

    Also, you're going to be so busy talking with people at your wedding, you probably won't even notice her there. 

  • I'm actually going to go against the grain here and say you don't have to invite her. 

    They became an item AFTER your invitations went out. Not just your STDs, your actually wedding invitations. Right? 

    knottie1027 said: We sent out invitations and he has entered a new relationship. 

    In that type of a situation (where someone starts a new relationship AFTER invitations have already been sent), I think it is appropriate to say "after we gather our RSVPs, we will have to see if we can accommodate your new girlfriend." 
    I agree with this, if they did start dating after you sent out invites. It would be a nice gesture, but you've kind of hinted already at the fact she won't be invited and might be taken wrong if you invite her now. I can see why they'd be a little standoffish if you said you had to check; a better response may have been something like you'd love to accommodate her but need to check that your venue has room or the caterer can add the meal, etc (depending on when your wedding is, obvs the caterer response wouldn't work a month ahead of time). 

    If you do end up inviting her, it's true you won't see her much the day of the wedding. We don't always like our friends' partners, but if we want to maintain the friendship, we support them. I have a friend whose fiance I cannot stand at all, but he was invited to our wedding, I socialized with him for a bit and then introduced him to some other guests I thought he'd get along with so I could chat with my friend.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
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    I was actually asking SO about that quote last night. I was pretty positive it was from Anchorman but I couldn't remember for sure and didn't want to falsely attribute it. SO brought up that it was used in How I Met Your Mother, too. 

    If they went out before invitations, you need to invite her. If it was after, technically you're within etiquette not to, but I still would. 

    It looks like you are spending a lot more emotional energy and time than you should. Let it go. Seriously. 



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    short+sassyInLoveInQueensSP29
  • My FI is a HUGE fan of Anchorman and I religiously watched HIMYM. Just because it MAY have been quoted, does not change what happened. Everyone who witness that situation was caught off guard by her statement. I am not the only one who thought she was out of line and rude. It wasn't a playful moment that was taken out of context. And despite how I feel, I am not justifying my opinion of her to be the final say. In fact, I'm being open and reasonable by taking everything PP have been saying seriously. 

    I will not however, under any circumstance down play the behavior of a nasty person and allow myself to be disrespected. I will be civil and not cause drama by way of snarky comments etc. As I've stated previously, I didn't give FI's friend an answer because my goal was to be fair and objective. 

    People are asking me questions and I am responding/clarifying. I've agreed with almost everything that is being posted. I'm not harping and have not harped this entire thread.
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  • @ahoywedding
    I agree. I desperately NEED a cupcake. Sorry, this is a stressful morning. =/
    The wash ruined the dress I wore for my engagement photos and I have to meet my FMIL to get a fitting for her bright pink ball gown. 
    I'm sure I have some wine in the fridge. 

    I will try to contact him today and see where things are. I know he jumped the gun earlier, hopefully things can be salvaged. 
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    @knottie1027 - it's totally easy to let stuff like this get you over worked.  We've all been there..

    Fitting with FMIL?  oooh that sounds like fun.  That's really nice of you to go with her, I guess?



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  • knottie1027knottie1027
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    edited August 16
    @Holyguacamole79 FMIL has her moments of craziness, after the initial arguing she has calmed down. She does not have any daughters or sisters and her mother passed a little over a year ago. I can understand that she would like an opinion from another woman, I will be her DIL soon. I've been in her life for nearly 6 years now, she feels close to me. As everyone says, you don't just marry your SO you also marry their family. 
    I can appreciate that she wants my opinion versus ignoring what I think. Although, all I really care about is that she is comfortable in her dress.

    I'll pack the wine bottle in my purse just in case though.
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    climbingwifeshort+sassyILoveBeachMusicSP29
  • Oh man that stinks about your dress!

    Why is your FMIL buying a hot pink ballgown? Hopefully that will make for an amusing day at least? ;)
    OurWildKingdomMissKittyDanger
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    Oh man that stinks about your dress!

    Why is your FMIL buying a hot pink ballgown? Hopefully that will make for an amusing day at least? ;)
    I need to hear this story. . .
  • I see it as two different issues around one person.

    (1) A friend has a SO and so she should be invited the the wedding. You don't have to do more than say hello and thank her for coming. She's not going to say anything nasty to you that day - the invitation seems like a pretty easy thing to just let go and do the right thing on.

    (2) A friend's SO has said something nasty to you. If she's going to stick around a while, you should absolutely confront her on it. Tell her you were hurt and surprised by it when it happened, and you'd like to know why she'd say something like that. Let her apologize and explain herself, or at least know that you've been honest about your opinions and handled it like an adult, even if she can't.

    I'd take care of the second one after the wedding, unless you have a good, calm time when you'll see her before it.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    As rude and obnoxious as she was, I'd still invite her simply because she is the SO of someone else who is invited.

    That said, I would arrange for there to be security available who can escort her out if her behavior to you at your wedding warrants it.
  • DarthV8rDarthV8r
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    edited August 25
    I would want to invite her. When they go low you go high.  Maybe she would like to apologize and actually wants to celebrate your marriage.  Hopefully she knows she was wrong and wants to make up. 
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