Snarky Brides

Has she gone bonkers?

I need to vent. I’m not one to really post stuff, but I’m just at my wits end.

 

So my friend has gone from sweet to sour in the past 10 months during her wedding planning. I feel beyond bitter and surprised but because I do still care for her and I have decided to go to her wedding. I just think she has messed up our friendship. I only have 1 more month of this.  I’m honestly counting down the days to when it will be over. Am I right she has lost it?

 

It started off with her thinking I was the only person who was “not excited and enthusiastically asking her about her wedding plans and visions”. I – had a death in my family and was dealing with some stuff during the time she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was sorting myself out.  So I kind of went off the grid for a month or so. Suddenly when things got better she started bombarding me with passive aggressive messages with this tune of “you are the only friend who hasn’t asked me about my wedding yet.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to come to me, but not in this – passive aggressive way. But, in a happy – yay I’m getting married way, what do you think about these dresses.  

 

She said she was ashamed of me and quite literally nagged me for months about not going to her wedding shower. She also said my reasons were invalid and excuses. (I live 2 states away and about 9 hours drive in total away and she asked me to go to this shower during a very busy rocky time in my job). I couldn’t afford to fly there, plus the other 2 times I went to visit her and not to mention the fact I was also trying to fund my trip to her DW. Oh and I went to the engagement party like a year and a bit ago.  It was just too much, and I guess I let her down and was too “selfish” in my own life. I did get her a nice gift, I attended her her wedding dress session and helped plan and attended the hen party that just happened last week. (She was so cold to me at this time. I felt awkward and this why I’m writing this now).

 

Also when I mentioned I had some financial concerns she said “you’ve had over 2 years to save for this. You’re not the one paying for the whole wedding. Stop complaining about money. You’ve barely done much more than a regular guest would do.”

 

I just felt like after this issue with the shower she went cold and resentful of me. It’s awkward being around her and I started to feel resentful. I tried really hard to explain why I couldn’t come.  Its not that I didn’t want to go to the shower, it’s that I couldn’t and she didn’t give me the time try to work out a way to get there. She became very demanding. So, I decided given my circumstances it was best not go. It had zero to do with how much I cared for her.

 

I do get her perspective of “If I really matter you’d come” but – the way she acted made me really not want to go. She also said that while she understood I was going through stuff that everyone goes through stuff and that I should just “deal with it, everyone has stuff to deal with and if I really mattered you would have found a way to go."

 

I’m just sad this friend was willing to let a life long friendship go into the toilet for a wedding. She actually feels that weddings are the ultimate test to a friendship.


How do I get through the actual wedding day?

Re: Has she gone bonkers?

  • Well, you show up in the dress, sober, stand up with her at the altar, and pose for pictures.  Say something nice, like "Congratulations!" or "Best wishes for your future."  After the reception, you go home.
    Yeah, you can do that.
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    knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3fSP29
  • Do you even want to be friends with this person? If the answer is "no", then why stand up with her? Tell her you don't want to be a BM or don't go. You don't have to fake it unless you want to. knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f said:

    I need to vent. I’m not one to really post stuff, but I’m just at my wits end.

     

    So my friend has gone from sweet to sour in the past 10 months during her wedding planning. I feel beyond bitter and surprised but because I do still care for her and I have decided to go to her wedding. I just think she has messed up our friendship. I only have 1 more month of this.  I’m honestly counting down the days to when it will be over. Am I right she has lost it?

     

    It started off with her thinking I was the only person who was “not excited and enthusiastically asking her about her wedding plans and visions”. I – had a death in my family and was dealing with some stuff during the time she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was sorting myself out.  So I kind of went off the grid for a month or so. Suddenly when things got better she started bombarding me with passive aggressive messages with this tune of “you are the only friend who hasn’t asked me about my wedding yet.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to come to me, but not in this – passive aggressive way. But, in a happy – yay I’m getting married way, what do you think about these dresses.  

     

    She said she was ashamed of me and quite literally nagged me for months about not going to her wedding shower. She also said my reasons were invalid and excuses. (I live 2 states away and about 9 hours drive in total away and she asked me to go to this shower during a very busy rocky time in my job). I couldn’t afford to fly there, plus the other 2 times I went to visit her and not to mention the fact I was also trying to fund my trip to her DW. Oh and I went to the engagement party like a year and a bit ago.  It was just too much, and I guess I let her down and was too “selfish” in my own life. I did get her a nice gift, I attended her her wedding dress session and helped plan and attended the hen party that just happened last week. (She was so cold to me at this time. I felt awkward and this why I’m writing this now).

     

    Also when I mentioned I had some financial concerns she said “you’ve had over 2 years to save for this. You’re not the one paying for the whole wedding. Stop complaining about money. You’ve barely done much more than a regular guest would do.”

     

    I just felt like after this issue with the shower she went cold and resentful of me. It’s awkward being around her and I started to feel resentful. I tried really hard to explain why I couldn’t come.  Its not that I didn’t want to go to the shower, it’s that I couldn’t and she didn’t give me the time try to work out a way to get there. She became very demanding. So, I decided given my circumstances it was best not go. It had zero to do with how much I cared for her.

     

    I do get her perspective of “If I really matter you’d come” but – the way she acted made me really not want to go. She also said that while she understood I was going through stuff that everyone goes through stuff and that I should just “deal with it, everyone has stuff to deal with and if I really mattered you would have found a way to go."

     

    I’m just sad this friend was willing to let a life long friendship go into the toilet for a wedding. She actually feels that weddings are the ultimate test to a friendship.


    How do I get through the actual wedding day?

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  • edited August 18
    I am extremely mad at her yes. Wouldn't you be? I am questioning if our friendship has ran its expiration date. (I've known her since we were 3 years old). I'm not sure I want to not go and totally end our friendship by doing that. I'm assuming that would be a very final choice.

    I do want an apology at some point. Would it be unreasonable to hope if I kind of go dark for a few months after the wedding and let the wedding stuff go, could she realize how awful she was being? Do brides sometimes realize they let it go to their heads?
    JediElizabeth
  • I am extremely mad at her yes. Wouldn't you be? I am questioning if our friendship has ran its expiration date. (I've known her since we were 3 years old). I'm not sure I want to not go and totally end our friendship by doing that. I'm assuming that would be a very final choice.

    I do want an apology at some point. Would it be unreasonable to hope if I kind of go dark for a few months after the wedding and let the wedding stuff go, could she realize how awful she was being? Do brides sometimes realize they let it go to their heads?
    I think you are placing a lot of hope in the wedding being the reason for her behavior change. Sure, it may have changed some of it, but it is not the only reason she is acting like this. Honestly, yes I would be pissed and would probably let her know that the friendship wasn't for me anymore and say goodbye. But that is me, which is why I asked if you even wanted to be friends with her.
    I think you will be waiting a long time for an apology, especially if you passive-aggressively go dark and don't actually tell her what is wrong. 
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    holyguacamole79InLoveInQueenslevioosa
  • I just don't understand why she changed. I have explained to her how I felt a few times. She just dismisses me. Which is why I was thinking of giving it time. You are right though, that would be passive aggressive. 
  • Sounds like your friend is going full on bridezilla. Maybe there's a reason, maybe she's always been like this and the wedding is making it worse. It super sucks that this has happened. 

    However, I think going dark/ghosting and hoping she figures out you're upset is a little immature. I think you have every right to feel the way you do, but if you want to maintain a friendship with her I'd wait for her wedding to pass, give it a few weeks, and explain why you're hurtful. Even though she's not acting like a mature adult, I think it's best to rise above and be the adult here. If you're not interested in maintaining the friendship then tell her that too. 
    short+sassyahoyweddingSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    It sounds as if being a bride went to your friend's head if she changed from a friendship-worthy person into what she is now.

    If you want to retain her friendship, then you can tell her that her attitude and comments to you have been hurtful and that yes, you plan to attend her wedding. But in that case, don't ghost on her and hope she figures it out. It's just as passive-aggressive as her treatment of you-and it will be counterproductive.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    If you feel the friendship has been irreparably damaged, I personally would just step down. I would also be sure to tell her why. Were any of these behaviors present before the wedding?  A true friend understands that weddings are not the end all be all. The world does not revolve around the couple getting married. It sounds like she wants everything to stop while she is in the process of getting married. 

    I had a friend who acted a little like this. I offered to do a lot for her before my life hit a really busy season. Then once I wasn't freely available I was a terrible person and I wasn't supportive or caring. It was so hurtful and frustrating. I almost dropped out of the wedding because of it and after the wedding we didn't talk for almost a year. She never apologized. Two nights before the wedding she texted me about not being there to make her floral arrangements with the rest of the BMs, and not spending the night with her before (I was told I was spending the night and it would be X amount of dollars) and I lost it. I ended up going to the wedding as a BM, but I didn't get a gift. Our friendship has never fully recovered. She was normally a really great friend, but the wedding brought out the absolute worst in her, and I honestly still can't trust her. 

    I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry for the loss of your family member. 


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    short+sassysparklepants41knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3fSP29
  • I personally place a lot of stock in following through on a commitment. You committed to the wedding and I think you should do so. Be the better person. After the wedding I would let things die out naturally. If you want her in your life you could try one sit down but if the bride isn't receptive it might be best to move on.
    STARMOON44short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • OP, I'm sorry to hear about what you have been experiencing with your friend.  For what it's worth, you can see that all the posters here...unbiased 3rd parties...are all appalled by her behavior.  It isn't you "not being a caring enough friend" or whatever other b.s. Koolaid she is trying to get you to drink.

    And for her fiancée to tell you, that if you eloped, you would be dead to him?!?!Because a friend's SO always gets to dictate another person's wedding choices, lol//sarcasm.  For whenever/if that times comes, it would be fun to have a huge wedding...and not invite them. 

    I hope you have a good time on your vacation, despite all of this.  Not that she deserves to keep your friendship but, if it were me, I'd probably try to keep some semblance of a friendship.  But perhaps a much more, casual one.  The occasional call/text/e-mail.  Going out for coffee/drinks once in awhile.  Her selfishness will probably abate some after the wedding, but I know it has been really hurtful to see it lying there under the surface.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I'm so sorry.  Your friend and her FI sound like nightmares. I'd be willing to bet they're alienating quite a few people by acting like this. People remember how they were treated, especially in times of stress. And wow to his comment about eloping. That is none of his business. The jaded part of me wonders how well their relationship will hold up if they are acting this way about what essentially is a giant party. 

    I'm Italian. Giant weddings are definitely a thing for the Italian/Greek cultures, however my family would NEVER tell me my marriage was invalid if I eloped. Hell, my extremely Italian uncle eloped with my aunt in Vegas. Surprise, they're still loved and accepted by the rest of the family. 


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  • edited August 21
    You know it's interesting - This is also part of the issue. The MOH was very negative during her wedding planning and this so has this bride. They are doing it all together and didn't let me and the other bridesmaid in for any discussion. It was here are your shoes, dress - this is when the shower is - this is how much you owe me for the shower, this is what is happening.

    They sent me how much I owed them for the shower - this was the very first message I got from the MOH  - it wasn't much - but it really annoyed me - it was after she sent the invites, after the bride got super mad at me for not making it and - after it was all planned. They also complained about how much work it was and how they had to get other people that weren't in the BP to help run the event - and because we weren't going we should help pay for it.

    I would have had zero problem helping paying for it - but I would have liked to I dunno - feel included in some of the planning and not feel - alienated about not going to it because she booked it on a time that just didn't work for me. I did warn her about that all along too. The MOH also never really called/text me about stuff until after I demanded/started doing it myself. She was going through the bride.

    I did speak to the other bridesmaid. She - also didn't go to the shower- but she was more punctual with her answer on it (I admit there was a short period of time I was a little disorganized and unresponsive - but this was NOT a usual behaviour for me). I guess her reason was more "legit" than mine. She was surprised by how the bride was treating me - but I could tell she had no idea how to handle it and just kind of distanced herself. She just wanted to make sure the bride was happy and she is very easy going and just didn't care. Which honestly, fair enough. I wasn't trying to like talk about the bride behind her back - I was trying to fix the issue. So I stopped talking about it to her.

    Haha to the big wedding thing. Not happening. After this experience - I think I'm starting to hate weddings. I'd be good with a simple, small, very family centered ceremony. One where everyone feels positive, accepted and honored. I can't imagine and I sure hope I would never treat my BP this way. I doubt they will be invited when I get married at this point, but maybe. Crazy to think that because I always saw her maybe even a MOH or BM.
    redwoodoriginal
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    You know it's interesting - This is also part of the issue. The MOH was very negative during her wedding planning and this so has this bride. They are doing it all together and didn't let me and the other bridesmaid in for any discussion. It was here are your shoes, dress - this is when the shower is - this is how much you owe me for the shower, this is what is happening.

    They sent me how much I owed them for the shower - this was the very first message I got from the MOH  - it wasn't much - but it really annoyed me - it was after she sent the invites, after the bride got super mad at me for not making it and - after it was all planned. They also complained about how much work it was and how they had to get other people that weren't in the BP to help run the event - and because we weren't going we should help pay for it.

    I would have had zero problem helping paying for it - but I would have liked to I dunno - feel included in some of the planning and not feel - alienated about not going to it because she booked it on a time that just didn't work for me. I did warn her about that all along too. The MOH also never really called/text me about stuff until after I demanded/started doing it myself. She was going through the bride.

    I did speak to the other bridesmaid. She - also didn't go to the shower- but she was more punctual with her answer on it (I admit there was a short period of time I was a little disorganized and unresponsive - but this was NOT a usual behaviour for me). I guess her reason was more "legit" than mine. She was surprised by how the bride was treating me - but I could tell she had no idea how to handle it and just kind of distanced herself. She just wanted to make sure the bride was happy and she is very easy going and just didn't care. Which honestly, fair enough. I wasn't trying to like talk about the bride behind her back - I was trying to fix the issue. So I stopped talking about it to her.

    Haha to the big wedding thing. Not happening. After this experience - I think I'm starting to hate weddings. I'd be good with a simple, small, very family centered ceremony. One where everyone feels positive, accepted and honored. I can't imagine and I sure hope I would never treat my BP this way. I doubt they will be invited when I get married at this point, but maybe. Crazy to think that because I always saw her maybe even a MOH or BM.
    No one has the right to spend your money without permission. You also didn't have any obligation to plan, pay, or run the event. They were out of line.

    To the bolded...being in multiple weddings was what made me want to elope. I used to want a big beautiful wedding. Not anymore. I cannot handle how people use weddings as an excuse to be horrible to their friends and family. If I have a big wedding, it will be because SO wants one, and I probably won't have a BP because I don't want to subject anyone to the fear of expectations that come with weddings. When someone close to me gets engaged now, it fills me with dread. What do they expect? Are they only going to talk about the wedding now? Is it going to be a big deal if their plans don't go perfectly? Nope. If people want to be involved in the wedding, they'll make it known. 


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    SP29
  • edited August 22
    Me too! I used to want a big wedding - as I've gotten older the less I want that. Who wants to spend tens of thousands on a party? Personally I'd rather go on a vacation or invest it. 

    This wedding has made me even more against the idea. I'm guessing she spent at least 70K on this and she has been sooo stressed about being perfect. If I have a wedding party it would be my one close friend (obviously not this one) and she would be allowed to wear what ever she wanted really. I would have zero expectations because I think this is what causes a lot of the problems. I get why you said you get nervous about people getting engaged. After this - I literally will not be saying yes to being in a wedding again. 
    Greenjinjo
  • I rejected being in a wedding party because i didn't want to end up hating weddings. Plus the B2B was a hop skip and a jump away from being a bridezilla. 
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    OP- you are not the one being the shitty friend here.

    Sounds like you're going to stick it out- which is completely your choice. I hope whatever destination you are headed to, you will enjoy as a vacation of your own as well!

    If you want to discuss it/ get some closure, I would do this a little after the wedding/HM, but not too long after, maybe a month. I wouldn't be passive-aggressive about it. Either say what is on your mind, or let it go. Personally, if this friend is supposed to be close, I would have no problem saying what is on my mind. But if you don't want to, then let the friendship fizzle.

    I still love weddings, but I've recently been to 2 weddings where there was no WP, minimal to no pre-wedding parties, and a more casual (but still properly hosted!) event, and I love them! I really like the idea of no WP- I think it keeps the focus on the couple, and with no WP there are no expectations of what the WP is or isn't supposed to do. For my one friend, some friends and I still threw her a wedding shower and bachelorette, but it's because we wanted to, not because we had to. I also really like the idea of showing up at somewhere like a restaurant or more casual banquet type place with ceremony, cocktails, then dinner all in one spot one right after the other.

    Of course I am not saying that having any other wedding set up is wrong (we had a WP and larger reception with dancing), it just seems that there is so much in the wedding industry about making a wedding a production, that it is nice to see some trends toward keeping things more relaxed/casual that makes me feel like the focus is on the marriage. 
    short+sassy
  • Thanks SP29. I've been thinking lately about how I'd do my own wedding. My father passed away a few years ago now and my family and my SO's is sooo spread out - plus this BM drama makes me like the idea of a simple low key ceremony with less than 20 people and dinner at resteraunt after. I bet that would be insanely cheaper than a lot of weddings. I like that idea! That way it's more intimate too. I do see the wedding industry is - well huge industry set out to make as much money as possible off people. 

    The people I've been referencing are the type who see a buffet as tacky and - need a 5 course meal. Then they complain the wedding planning is so stressful and expensive. (More groom than bride though).

    Im not saying a traditional wedding is bad. Honestly. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just think - live in your means - and do what best suits you and your partner. I do think my friend got ropped in this silly event. We were never the "plan our weddings fantasizing wearing a 5 thousand dollar ballgowns and having doves fly around" types growing up. We killed ants with dish soap and road our bikes to the pond, likely got grass stains all over a pants and played silly games on our neighbours. (There won't be doves - she isn't actually that crazy).

    The groom actually told her within their first month of dating that if they continue dating and get married she would have to "deal" with a huge wedding. I kind of wonder if her behaviour is attributed to being in over her head, doing a wedding she actually doesn't want, and being spoiled by everyone around her and getting consumed by what everyone tells her it's supposed to be like. 

    There was a point recently where she sent me pictures of people eloping in Asia and Peru and she seemed jealous. She might be taking out on me because she thinks I'll take it? Which my tolerance has waned. I'm actually quite emotional about it. I will tell her how I feel. Honestly I may do it a week or so after. I want to enjoy my trip and I want to get it off my chest. (They aren't doing a formal honeymoon or anything).  Even if it's a little selfish.

     I am honestly worried about her in the future and how their marriage will be. But they told me several times they did very well in their marriage class? Sigh.  I do wish her the best. Really. That stated, I've realized recently (I've had a lot of death I've had to deal with - life is short and sometimes we need to do what's best for us and sometimes relationships we cherish become toxic and we need to let them go or - let them for for awhile at the very least. 

    (I leave in a little over a week. Yay!) 
  • This sounds like something I have experienced, but on the flip side. I am the bride, and X person acted like your friend. All I can say is (because she apparently stalks my online posts), I sympathize. 
  • Thanks! How do you plan on dealing with it? 
  • Thanks SP29. I've been thinking lately about how I'd do my own wedding. My father passed away a few years ago now and my family and my SO's is sooo spread out - plus this BM drama makes me like the idea of a simple low key ceremony with less than 20 people and dinner at resteraunt after. I bet that would be insanely cheaper than a lot of weddings. I like that idea! That way it's more intimate too. I do see the wedding industry is - well huge industry set out to make as much money as possible off people. 

    The people I've been referencing are the type who see a buffet as tacky and - need a 5 course meal. Then they complain the wedding planning is so stressful and expensive. (More groom than bride though).

    Im not saying a traditional wedding is bad. Honestly. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just think - live in your means - and do what best suits you and your partner. I do think my friend got ropped in this silly event. We were never the "plan our weddings fantasizing wearing a 5 thousand dollar ballgowns and having doves fly around" types growing up. We killed ants with dish soap and road our bikes to the pond, likely got grass stains all over a pants and played silly games on our neighbours. (There won't be doves - she isn't actually that crazy).

    The groom actually told her within their first month of dating that if they continue dating and get married she would have to "deal" with a huge wedding. I kind of wonder if her behaviour is attributed to being in over her head, doing a wedding she actually doesn't want, and being spoiled by everyone around her and getting consumed by what everyone tells her it's supposed to be like. 

    There was a point recently where she sent me pictures of people eloping in Asia and Peru and she seemed jealous. She might be taking out on me because she thinks I'll take it? Which my tolerance has waned. I'm actually quite emotional about it. I will tell her how I feel. Honestly I may do it a week or so after. I want to enjoy my trip and I want to get it off my chest. (They aren't doing a formal honeymoon or anything).  Even if it's a little selfish.

     I am honestly worried about her in the future and how their marriage will be. But they told me several times they did very well in their marriage class? Sigh.  I do wish her the best. Really. That stated, I've realized recently (I've had a lot of death I've had to deal with - life is short and sometimes we need to do what's best for us and sometimes relationships we cherish become toxic and we need to let them go or - let them for for awhile at the very least. 

    (I leave in a little over a week. Yay!) 
    This makes more sympathetic to her. It sounds like this isn't what she wants, and she's in a situation where she doesn't feel like she can assert her needs and wants. Specifically, a marriage class is not a test of whether or not you'll do well in your marriage, and it sounds like she might be trying to convince herself by repeating that point.

    The "deal with it" comment is actually a minor red flag (a yellow flag?), and I wonder how controlling the groom is, or if she's just rolling over and letting people walk all over her.

    Don't get me wrong. That is not a reason to take her frustrations out on her friends. She's being awful to you and you don't have to put up with it. She should be asserting herself, and if she can't do that, she shouldn't be getting married until

    But if you do, I hope you can talk it through with her after the wedding, and heal those issues. I think she's going to need some good friends with sound advice around her through the start of this marriage, no matter how it turns out. 

    (Another note: I was the science experiments and bug collecting kinda girl growing up, and I had a big wedding with a ballgown and all. Belle was my favorite princess, for her tomboy attitude AND her dancing skills, and I managed both. They're not mutually exclusive. ;) )
    short+sassyKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7InLoveInQueens
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