Etiquette

plus one advice pleaseeeee!!!

Just looking for some advice/if anyone has been in this situation before and has any insight other than what I'm thinking.....
FH and I have two good friends who used to date and have a kid together, but have since broken up, He is FH's friend, and she is mine.  
She is currently dating someone else and her ex is still relatively hung up on her.  We want to invite her current boyfriend, a) because he's a really good guy and treats her very well, and b) he's her significant other and he should be invited regardless of how I feel.  
Our other friend has mentioned to FH that he would not attend the wedding if her current bf is invited, and has threatened physical violence against him.  We've offered for him to be able to bring a date as well, but he says either way he's just not in a place where he can handle seeing the two of them together, which I DO understand and I know the break up has been hard on him.  I don't want it to come off like this guys a total jerk, because he really isn't.
To me, this feels like a no brainer and I know we can't not invite her bf and we should invite them all anyway and if FH's friend decides not to come than thats on him, but I also know there's the probability that FH will lose this friendship forever if this is the case.  FH wants to discuss it with him and kind of just "tell him what's up" but I wanted to know if there's anyway this friendship can be salvaged?


Re: plus one advice pleaseeeee!!!

  • cantoinettecantoinette
    Second Anniversary First Comment
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    edited August 18
    Ugh, see thats where I'm like ??? Do I honestly believe he would physically harm the guy... no I don't, I don't think he has it in him to, but he said and I quote "I'm gonna end up punching him in the face".  Idk whether to take that as an actual threat or a verbal way of expressing how he feels about the situation.  He's never been physically violent towards anyone as far as I know, but I'm just not sure whether to take that seriously.
  • Thank you, this is perfect.  I just hate the idea of FH losing a friendship over this you know?  I know in reality there's nothing either one of us can do if he decides he doesn't want to come and thinks its friendship ending worthy, but I also want him to know we're not being malicious about it.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    @aurianna said, ""You are both our friends. And while I understand seeing him there may be hurtful to you, not inviting him would be hurtful to her. Giving everyone equal invitations seemed the fairest thing to do."


    It is not the fairest thing to do.  It is the appropriate and correct thing to do.

    If you want both friends to attend, invite them both.  Their SO's must be included.  It is wrong of FH's friend to place any stipulations on who you invite to YOUR wedding. 
    JediElizabeth
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Invite everyone (Friend, Bf, fi's friend +1). It's a +1 (where he can bring a friend) not a -1 (where he can remove someone from the guest list!). 

    If he can't handle it that's his issue. 
    short+sassy
  • Honestly I see his behavior as controlling and manipulative. 

    If he can't spend one night with her and her bf in the same room as him - even if he has a date or friend or whatever backup he wants his +1 to be - he should recognize that that's his issue and stay away. He should not be making your FI pay the consequences of not choosing sides. That's a dick move.
    sparklepants41SP29InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    MobKaz said:
    @aurianna said, ""You are both our friends. And while I understand seeing him there may be hurtful to you, not inviting him would be hurtful to her. Giving everyone equal invitations seemed the fairest thing to do."


    It is not the fairest thing to do.  It is the appropriate and correct thing to do.

    If you want both friends to attend, invite them both.  Their SO's must be included.  It is wrong of FH's friend to place any stipulations on who you invite to YOUR wedding. 
    What's "not the fairest" about doing the appropriate and correct thing?

    It was all three.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    Jen4948 said:
    MobKaz said:
    @aurianna said, ""You are both our friends. And while I understand seeing him there may be hurtful to you, not inviting him would be hurtful to her. Giving everyone equal invitations seemed the fairest thing to do."


    It is not the fairest thing to do.  It is the appropriate and correct thing to do.

    If you want both friends to attend, invite them both.  Their SO's must be included.  It is wrong of FH's friend to place any stipulations on who you invite to YOUR wedding. 
    What's "not the fairest" about doing the appropriate and correct thing?

    It was all three.
    I agree that in this case it is also fair, but I think @MobKaz's point was that the appropriate and correct thing to do is more important than being "fair." An over-concern with fairness is how we get people with small families trying to fill up their side because their FI has a large family, and such.

    In some cases, the etiquette-approved thing is not necessarily the fairest. It seems fair to invite all aunts and uncles if you're going to invite two, but it is totally appropriate only to invite a few. If your idea of "fair" is "what you're entitled to by etiquette," then obviously there's no distinction, but I think many people would have a distinction in their minds.

    I actually think if anything, @aurianna's suggestion was actually the fairest thing to do in terms of not taking sides, and not in line with what the friend is entitled to by etiquette - it was above and beyond it. Friend is not entitled to an invite, especially with the way he's acting. He's also not entitled to a plus one, since he doesn't have a SO - that's a move to placate him since her SO is going to be (properly) invited.

    Anniversary

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Jen4948 said:
    MobKaz said:
    @aurianna said, ""You are both our friends. And while I understand seeing him there may be hurtful to you, not inviting him would be hurtful to her. Giving everyone equal invitations seemed the fairest thing to do."


    It is not the fairest thing to do.  It is the appropriate and correct thing to do.

    If you want both friends to attend, invite them both.  Their SO's must be included.  It is wrong of FH's friend to place any stipulations on who you invite to YOUR wedding. 
    What's "not the fairest" about doing the appropriate and correct thing?

    It was all three.
    I agree that in this case it is also fair, but I think @MobKaz's point was that the appropriate and correct thing to do is more important than being "fair." An over-concern with fairness is how we get people with small families trying to fill up their side because their FI has a large family, and such.

    In some cases, the etiquette-approved thing is not necessarily the fairest. It seems fair to invite all aunts and uncles if you're going to invite two, but it is totally appropriate only to invite a few. If your idea of "fair" is "what you're entitled to by etiquette," then obviously there's no distinction, but I think many people would have a distinction in their minds.

    I actually think if anything, @aurianna's suggestion was actually the fairest thing to do in terms of not taking sides, and not in line with what the friend is entitled to by etiquette - it was above and beyond it. Friend is not entitled to an invite, especially with the way he's acting. He's also not entitled to a plus one, since he doesn't have a SO - that's a move to placate him since her SO is going to be (properly) invited.
    Thanks!  In my head my point seemed clear....
  • auriannaaurianna
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited August 21
    MobKaz said:
    @aurianna said, ""You are both our friends. And while I understand seeing him there may be hurtful to you, not inviting him would be hurtful to her. Giving everyone equal invitations seemed the fairest thing to do."


    It is not the fairest thing to do.  It is the appropriate and correct thing to do.

    If you want both friends to attend, invite them both.  Their SO's must be included.  It is wrong of FH's friend to place any stipulations on who you invite to YOUR wedding. 
    You're definitely right that it's the only appropriate and correct thing to do.

    However, in this particular situation I think they need to tread lightly. If this friend takes inviting the boyfriend as a personal affront and slight I don't think explaining away his deep concerns with "proper etiquette" is going to help the situation.
    This is obviously a very emotionally charged thing for him. Emily Post isn't going to calm it down, hence, they should try to stress fairness vs proper etiquette.

    flantastic nailed it.
    japrincess24
  • yes, totally understand what you all mean. it's the proper and correct thing to do but for someone who may or may not understand proper wedding etiquette or may take it as a personal slight, for him it will be about what is "fair". thank you all very much, you all confirmed what i thought and FH as well, since he was the one mostly conflicted. 
  • @cantoinette
    I'm so sorry that you and your FI have to go through this situation. I can completely relate to this predicament. My best friend and FI's best friend dated for years and broke up a few months ago. There was also the initial threat of "if he brings X date, I'm going to punch her in the face!". I think PP have given you great advice on how to address the situation to your FH's friend.
    I can also bet that once the day starts, both friends will be happy to be there and celebrate you and your FI's love for each other. Good Luck!
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    short+sassy
  • We went to a wedding just recently with a friend who was in a kinda similar situation with a broken love triangle of all things. 
    Everyone went they were seated on opposite sides of the room they avoided each other but didn't make it awkward for anyone else (people who knew anyway) The girl involved was in the bridal party so the 'other' guy left a bit early and didn't attend the Sunday brunch.

    It was very grown up which is what I'd hope you could expect from your friend. I'd send everyone an invite but make sure they know who is invited so they can make their own choices. 
    I have another friend who chose to not attend a wedding because her ex was there. It was a whole weekend thing so a bit more difficult.

    I think you give everyone the information and then it's their choice to decide what they do.

    Good luck!!
    short+sassy
  • I was in a similar situation, but as the "new" g/f.  My b/f at the time and his recent ex were both in the WP.  Neither one did the "if person A is going, I'm not", but his ex did tell the bride to not invite me.  According to the bride, she had even said it in a way where she just expected it to happen, because she'd asked.  And wanted her friend to go as far as to specifically tell my b/f that I was not invited.  To give the bride credit, she shut that down immediately.  Even though she and I didn't really know each other that well.

    Everyone had fun at their wedding!  Despite all that, there were no issues at all.  Other than a few snarky comments thrown at me by the ex, that I ignored.  With the exception of one, they were said to other people.  But said "just" loud enough so I could hear them as I'd walk past her, lol.

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