I'm Trying My Best from Over 10,000 Miles Away

mrsjapan

Ok, I need to vent a little and my MIL said that I sound really stressed lately about all this, so here it is, please bear with me:

I've been living in Japan since June 2016 and I got married in February 2017 for personal reasons while living here. Side note, I had been engaged since before I left for Japan and we were initially waiting to get married until we had substantial vacation time to take a break to go back home. Told my immediate family, they were supportive and then asked when I would have a celebration at home for everyone to attend. Initially, I was thinking not until my husband and I were going to leave Japan, which would be in 2-4 years once he decided to switch his job. However, I saw a date that would work in 2018 during Golden Week, which would allow us two weeks to be home. I talked it over with my parents and we began planning. Got a venue booked, but everything after that has been just...the worst.
  
First off, I'm doing all planning solo mode, I've been the one to contact all vendors and discuss options, pricing, the like, which I might add has been strictly through email and weirdly timed Skype calls (14 hours is a hard difference to plan around, as is not wanting to throw away money on international calls). I designed the save-the-dates, plan to do the same for all stationery, having my sister help plan out DIY decor to cut costs, my aunt will do the flowers, trying to find vendors that do bundle contracts, anything to cut costs. It would be easy to plan the whole wedding in a month if it weren't for one thing: my mother.

She has been the sole problem of all this. I didn't complain at first because my parents are paying for the majority of the celebration. She suggested having it at a winery, she told me to try to have my aunt do the flowers, she said to try to find cheaper options for everything, which is all very valid. But she also said that I should have my cousin officiate the ceremony, which I don't want to because him and my husband are on very bad terms; she also has been completely unhelpful doing the addresses for the save-the-dates, which I was able to design and print for much, much lower than she expected and she wanted to send them herself so I wouldn't spend a fortune on postage sending them from Japan. 

What's really been my breaking point is that I found a service that does DJ, photo, and video for cheaper than all those services separately. A steal I thought, so I talked it over with my dad and he was super on board, he thinks it would make day-of coordination much smoother. Talked to my mom, she liked it but told me to add three wedding albums for the bundle as well. No prob, got the contract, sent it to my parents, then bam! Mom was not on board anymore, said the videographer was too expensive for an 8-12 minute video. Wouldn't do it. I was floored. How, just how. Why, really? And that's not even touching on the officiant thing because I might just have a friend do it or pay for it myself if she doesn't approve of the professional I choose. I understand I don't need an official officiant as they don't need to do any paperwork, but I preferred the idea that a professional knows how to diffuse a situation if something does go off script. 

I'm just worried is all. I can do it all on my own, but I need their sign off on the payment to do any of it. I also worry because I'm going home in December because of Christmas/planning stuff. I will have been gone for a year and a half by that time, I'm gonna be busy, I already know. I know what I want to do and I'm trying to make it as cheap as possible, but my mother is giving me grief every time we talk. She thinks I'm trying to bleed her pockets dry but that's not the case. I'm trying to stand my ground to make this day enjoyable for both of our families, but it's hard. Sorry for how long this is. Just wanted to vent, this stress is making weight loss a nightmare

sparklepants41

Knottie1459048711 said:

Ok, I need to vent a little and my MIL said that I sound really stressed lately about all this, so here it is, please bear with me:

I've been living in Japan since June 2016 and I got married in February 2017 for personal reasons while living here. Side note, I had been engaged since before I left for Japan and we were initially waiting to get married until we had substantial vacation time to take a break to go back home. Told my immediate family, they were supportive and then asked when I would have a celebration at home for everyone to attend. Initially, I was thinking not until my husband and I were going to leave Japan, which would be in 2-4 years once he decided to switch his job. However, I saw a date that would work in 2018 during Golden Week, which would allow us two weeks to be home. I talked it over with my parents and we began planning. Got a venue booked, but everything after that has been just...the worst.
  
First off, I'm doing all planning solo mode, I've been the one to contact all vendors and discuss options, pricing, the like, which I might add has been strictly through email and weirdly timed Skype calls (14 hours is a hard difference to plan around, as is not wanting to throw away money on international calls). I designed the save-the-dates, plan to do the same for all stationery, having my sister help plan out DIY decor to cut costs, my aunt will do the flowers, trying to find vendors that do bundle contracts, anything to cut costs. It would be easy to plan the whole wedding in a month if it weren't for one thing: my mother.

She has been the sole problem of all this. I didn't complain at first because my parents are paying for the majority of the celebration. She suggested having it at a winery, she told me to try to have my aunt do the flowers, she said to try to find cheaper options for everything, which is all very valid. But she also said that I should have my cousin officiate the ceremony, which I don't want to because him and my husband are on very bad terms; she also has been completely unhelpful doing the addresses for the save-the-dates, which I was able to design and print for much, much lower than she expected and she wanted to send them herself so I wouldn't spend a fortune on postage sending them from Japan. 

What's really been my breaking point is that I found a service that does DJ, photo, and video for cheaper than all those services separately. A steal I thought, so I talked it over with my dad and he was super on board, he thinks it would make day-of coordination much smoother. Talked to my mom, she liked it but told me to add three wedding albums for the bundle as well. No prob, got the contract, sent it to my parents, then bam! Mom was not on board anymore, said the videographer was too expensive for an 8-12 minute video. Wouldn't do it. I was floored. How, just how. Why, really? And that's not even touching on the officiant thing because I might just have a friend do it or pay for it myself if she doesn't approve of the professional I choose. I understand I don't need an official officiant as they don't need to do any paperwork, but I preferred the idea that a professional knows how to diffuse a situation if something does go off script. 

I'm just worried is all. I can do it all on my own, but I need their sign off on the payment to do any of it. I also worry because I'm going home in December because of Christmas/planning stuff. I will have been gone for a year and a half by that time, I'm gonna be busy, I already know. I know what I want to do and I'm trying to make it as cheap as possible, but my mother is giving me grief every time we talk. She thinks I'm trying to bleed her pockets dry but that's not the case. I'm trying to stand my ground to make this day enjoyable for both of our families, but it's hard. Sorry for how long this is. Just wanted to vent, this stress is making weight loss a nightmare

Wow. So there's a lot to unpack here. But first off: your parents are paying for the majority of the celebration (and that's what it is - a Celebration of Marriage - Not a wedding, but I'll get to that). There's an expression: "those who pay get a say," which basically means you need to listen to your parents when they say something is too expensive because at the end of the day, it's their money you're spending. If you want them to have less input & control of the purse strings, pay for your celebration yourself.

Now really, you don't need an officiant, or a ceremony at all for that matter, because you're already married. And you're going to be hard pressed to find an actual professional officiant who will perform a reenactment.

And since you won't be having a ceremony, you don't need a videographer. So that should help your parents' budget. 

Does everyone you are sending a save the date & inviting know you're already married? You mentioned that you told your immediate family, but everyone you're inviting needs to know this before they spend their hard earned money to see a reenactment. The best way to tell them you're married already is by sending out wedding announcements, and @CMGragain can help you with the wording because she's an expert. And then make sure your invites indicate the event is a Celebration of Marriage, not a fake wedding. 

Communicate with your parents. I suspect they are balking at the cost of things because they are looking at paying for things that are completely unnecessary because you're already married. 

missJeanLouise

Have your parents given you a budget? 

charlotte989875

1. Did your parents give you a budget? Did they have any strings attached (i.e. They'll pay but they want to choose the caterer, or they'll pay but only for certain things, up to a certain amount, or they get to have input, certain number of guests, etc. )?

2. Are you actually having a vow renewal? If so your guests really need to know that, rather than they're going to a wedding (congratulations BTW on your marriage!) just be upfront with everyone. 

3.  Where is your husband in all of this? You don't need to be planning this all on your own. He should be helping make calls, arrange this, etc. 

I think you should have a clear, honest talk with your parents (Mom in particular) about the expectations around the event. Maybe they had something totally different in mind, maybe they're uncomfortable paying this much when you're already married, maybe they are having a financial issue you don't know about. I strongly suggest talking with them calmly about budget and expectations soon. 

Also, have a drink and relax! You're married (yay!) and this vow renewal/celebration of marriage party is completely optional, so if it's too much, just cancel and enjoy your marriage. 

MobKaz

Knottie1459048711 said:

Ok, I need to vent a little and my MIL said that I sound really stressed lately about all this, so here it is, please bear with me:

I've been living in Japan since June 2016 and I got married in February 2017 for personal reasons while living here. Side note, I had been engaged since before I left for Japan and we were initially waiting to get married until we had substantial vacation time to take a break to go back home. Told my immediate family, they were supportive and then asked when I would have a celebration at home for everyone to attend. Initially, I was thinking not until my husband and I were going to leave Japan, which would be in 2-4 years once he decided to switch his job. However, I saw a date that would work in 2018 during Golden Week, which would allow us two weeks to be home. I talked it over with my parents and we began planning. Got a venue booked, but everything after that has been just...the worst.
  
First off, I'm doing all planning solo mode, I've been the one to contact all vendors and discuss options, pricing, the like, which I might add has been strictly through email and weirdly timed Skype calls (14 hours is a hard difference to plan around, as is not wanting to throw away money on international calls). I designed the save-the-dates, plan to do the same for all stationery, having my sister help plan out DIY decor to cut costs, my aunt will do the flowers, trying to find vendors that do bundle contracts, anything to cut costs. It would be easy to plan the whole wedding in a month if it weren't for one thing: my mother.

She has been the sole problem of all this. I didn't complain at first because my parents are paying for the majority of the celebration. She suggested having it at a winery, she told me to try to have my aunt do the flowers, she said to try to find cheaper options for everything, which is all very valid. But she also said that I should have my cousin officiate the ceremony, which I don't want to because him and my husband are on very bad terms; she also has been completely unhelpful doing the addresses for the save-the-dates, which I was able to design and print for much, much lower than she expected and she wanted to send them herself so I wouldn't spend a fortune on postage sending them from Japan. 

What's really been my breaking point is that I found a service that does DJ, photo, and video for cheaper than all those services separately. A steal I thought, so I talked it over with my dad and he was super on board, he thinks it would make day-of coordination much smoother. Talked to my mom, she liked it but told me to add three wedding albums for the bundle as well. No prob, got the contract, sent it to my parents, then bam! Mom was not on board anymore, said the videographer was too expensive for an 8-12 minute video. Wouldn't do it. I was floored. How, just how. Why, really? And that's not even touching on the officiant thing because I might just have a friend do it or pay for it myself if she doesn't approve of the professional I choose. I understand I don't need an official officiant as they don't need to do any paperwork, but I preferred the idea that a professional knows how to diffuse a situation if something does go off script. 

I'm just worried is all. I can do it all on my own, but I need their sign off on the payment to do any of it. I also worry because I'm going home in December because of Christmas/planning stuff. I will have been gone for a year and a half by that time, I'm gonna be busy, I already know. I know what I want to do and I'm trying to make it as cheap as possible, but my mother is giving me grief every time we talk. She thinks I'm trying to bleed her pockets dry but that's not the case. I'm trying to stand my ground to make this day enjoyable for both of our families, but it's hard. Sorry for how long this is. Just wanted to vent, this stress is making weight loss a nightmare

The easiest and quickest way to stop the stress is to stop the madness.  Lying does NOT do a body good.

You are married.  Tell ALL your friends and family.  A celebration party is a WHOLE lot easier to plan, and is much more budget friendly. 

STARMOON44

I don't see what's complicated- your mother doesn't want to pay for a videographer. Either pay for it yourself or don't have one. 

southernbelle0915

You're married. Why are you even having a ceremony? Why do you need a videographer to capture a fake wedding ceremony? 

Your parents are generously paying to host a party that's not even necessary - YOU'RE MARRIED. If you get a cake out of them, be happy about it. Make the entitlement stop. 

climbingsingle

Another vote for: YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED. Why are you even having a fake ceremony? 

Your parents are footing the bill for this party, so they get to make the choices. If you don't agree, then you pay for it yourself. Or, cancel this whole charade, as you are already married. 

kimmiinthemitten

The only reason I see the ceremony even being a part of this is if your marriage in Japan isn't recognized here in the states.

It sounds to me like you're doing all of this to please your parents and not because you want it.  If that's the case, let your mom pay for what she wants and screw the rest.  It's a celebration party, don't let it stress you out.

ahoywedding

Okay wow. Is your marriage in Japan legal in the US? If so then yay! You're married! Any other celebration thrown for you here on out is just gravy.

Your parents are the ones wanting a celebration? Let them plan it, since it sounds like they're paying anyway. Since you're also married, you don't need an officiant, flowers (unless you want something specific for table decor), a wedding party, a special dress (again, unless you want but nothing wedding-y), save the dates, photographer or a videographer. There's nothing stopping your parents from throwing a celebration, and I can totally see why they'd want to! But you've made it much easier for them by already getting married. Now they only need to find a venue and caterer you all like and bam done! Also, be clear in any invitations that you're already married, and this is to celebrate an event that already took place.

mrsjapan

I hear everything and thank you for your advice, so I'll clarify a few things. I am almost 100% sure my marriage is legal in the US, but I did already talk to an officiant 2 months ago and he said it might not be, so I'm going with legal for now till proven not so. With that, I do want to have this celebration as a celebration, not a reenactment, and I'm cutting all the fluff that I think we should, which would even be the videographer if it didn't come bundled with photography. My parents do want us to have the event well documented so we can remember it. I am not a person who willingly takes photos of myself so my life is very sparsely documented. I had realized recently that there are little to no pictures of me and my husband for the past 6 years that we've been together. I personally don't seen the need to have a $700 photo album when it'll just go in a closet somewhere, but my mother absolutely insisted. 

And that's the thing, the budget. My mother has repeatedly said we need to set a budget but anytime I ask what she thinks she avoids the question. I have done immense research to find at least 10+(I hope that's a plus, typing in English on a Japanese keyboard is a nightmare) options for each thing she wants and I've picked the cheapest option every time, which upsets her so then I tell her what the average price is for that service and she just says, "well, you should keep looking." If I keep looking, things will get booked and then when I tell her we have no options, she'll throw the blame on me for being indecisive, that's how she is.

I (my mother is really) am in the process of sending the save-the-dates, which I really appreciate since I cannot send them myself. When I design the invitations, I'll be making it very clear that it's not a wedding, so it should be ok I think. 

My husband is having his own issue, I have my sister and his three sisters as my attendants (won't call them bridesmaids, I know that's a no no) but my husband's best friend committed suicide last year and the rest of his friends live all over the world so he has no idea who to fill out his side with. His parents are also divorced so he's trying to deal with his father, who's kind of difficult to deal with. He just already has a lot on his plate and he's been helping immensely, but he also knows that I'm super on the ball with any planning so he's been leaving all the little details to me.

The ceremony is something that was part of the package with the venue we booked. It'll only be like 15-20 minutes for vows and if people want to say something nice. I'm really thinking to just have a college friend do it so someone has the prompts. 

And I know that home life right now is not great, not a financial problem, more mental than anything. My brother and sister have been very enlightening to the whole thing. My dad recently got a new job that made him move out of state (my family is in the Midwest, he moved out East) so he's never home anymore. My sister is in college 3 hours away so all that's left is my brother and my mom in a house meant for 5 people. It's scary in that house when you're alone. My mother has been struggling with a lot of issues which I knew about and our conversations early this year were great and our relationship had improved since I graduated. But recently, she's become kind of...lost and angry and just hard to please. I found out from my sister that one of her medications is giving her the symptoms of early onset Alzheimer's, which is scary to me because her father, my grandpa, is starting to develop it himself. She's only 53, that should not be the case. 

So the thing to really wrap up with I guess is this: I am just trying to plan a party, but since my parents are paying I have to do as they say, especially for my mom. She said I need to have attendants so my sister is happy (I had promised my sister years ago that she would be my Maid of Honor), that I have to have an album, that I have to send this and do that and I'm standing my ground where necessary, such as when she was disappointed in me for not having a religious ceremony (I'm not religious, so that one was a big nope, and especially since we were both raised Catholic, so super nope). I don't know what else to say. Cancelling the whole thing would be the most impossible thing to do and both my parents would be pissed at me for eternity. I'm the oldest in my family, I'm just trying to do right by them. My dad has been helpful and has generally been the voice of reason (as he always has been) but convincing my mother to do anything is like pulling teeth. I feel like I'm talking in circles, don't really know if I missed anything or if I even answered any questions. I am mostly just wanting to get this written down to de-stress, so thank you all for letting me do so, it's much appreciated, and thanks for the congrats ^^

LondonLisa

Congratulations, you are married! 

Stop stressing about a wedding. You had yours already. It was in Japan. A celebration party for a wedding does not involve officiants, save the dates, bridesmaids, wedding gowns, etc. Nothing you have stated describes a celebration of marriage party. It describes a PPD. 

Cancel the party. Its JUST a party. At least cancel the fake ceremony.  Unless you get divorced,  no matter what you do, your sister will never be your maid of honour.  You will never have a religious wedding ceremony. You will never have a wedding album unless it is photos from your Japanese wedding. 

I think you need to take a giant step back from all of this. You do realise you can say no. And it isn't a 'naughty' word. 

Basically, you are in this situation because you either a.) didn't want to say no to your mother or b.) you really want the attention but are blaming your mother. 

Why don't you scale back this party. Cancel all the bridal things. And then pay for nice portraits for you and your family that your mum can frame. 

ahoywedding

eegonosenseidesu said:

I hear everything and thank you for your advice, so I'll clarify a few things. I am almost 100% sure my marriage is legal in the US, but I did already talk to an officiant 2 months ago and he said it might not be, so I'm going with legal for now till proven not so. With that, I do want to have this celebration as a celebration, not a reenactment, and I'm cutting all the fluff that I think we should, which would even be the videographer if it didn't come bundled with photography. My parents do want us to have the event well documented so we can remember it. I am not a person who willingly takes photos of myself so my life is very sparsely documented. I had realized recently that there are little to no pictures of me and my husband for the past 6 years that we've been together. I personally don't seen the need to have a $700 photo album when it'll just go in a closet somewhere, but my mother absolutely insisted. 

And that's the thing, the budget. My mother has repeatedly said we need to set a budget but anytime I ask what she thinks she avoids the question. I have done immense research to find at least 10+(I hope that's a plus, typing in English on a Japanese keyboard is a nightmare) options for each thing she wants and I've picked the cheapest option every time, which upsets her so then I tell her what the average price is for that service and she just says, "well, you should keep looking." If I keep looking, things will get booked and then when I tell her we have no options, she'll throw the blame on me for being indecisive, that's how she is.

I (my mother is really) am in the process of sending the save-the-dates, which I really appreciate since I cannot send them myself. When I design the invitations, I'll be making it very clear that it's not a wedding, so it should be ok I think. 

My husband is having his own issue, I have my sister and his three sisters as my attendants (won't call them bridesmaids, I know that's a no no) but my husband's best friend committed suicide last year and the rest of his friends live all over the world so he has no idea who to fill out his side with. His parents are also divorced so he's trying to deal with his father, who's kind of difficult to deal with. He just already has a lot on his plate and he's been helping immensely, but he also knows that I'm super on the ball with any planning so he's been leaving all the little details to me.

The ceremony is something that was part of the package with the venue we booked. It'll only be like 15-20 minutes for vows and if people want to say something nice. I'm really thinking to just have a college friend do it so someone has the prompts. 

And I know that home life right now is not great, not a financial problem, more mental than anything. My brother and sister have been very enlightening to the whole thing. My dad recently got a new job that made him move out of state (my family is in the Midwest, he moved out East) so he's never home anymore. My sister is in college 3 hours away so all that's left is my brother and my mom in a house meant for 5 people. It's scary in that house when you're alone. My mother has been struggling with a lot of issues which I knew about and our conversations early this year were great and our relationship had improved since I graduated. But recently, she's become kind of...lost and angry and just hard to please. I found out from my sister that one of her medications is giving her the symptoms of early onset Alzheimer's, which is scary to me because her father, my grandpa, is starting to develop it himself. She's only 53, that should not be the case. 

So the thing to really wrap up with I guess is this: I am just trying to plan a party, but since my parents are paying I have to do as they say, especially for my mom. She said I need to have attendants so my sister is happy (I had promised my sister years ago that she would be my Maid of Honor), that I have to have an album, that I have to send this and do that and I'm standing my ground where necessary, such as when she was disappointed in me for not having a religious ceremony (I'm not religious, so that one was a big nope, and especially since we were both raised Catholic, so super nope). I don't know what else to say. Cancelling the whole thing would be the most impossible thing to do and both my parents would be pissed at me for eternity. I'm the oldest in my family, I'm just trying to do right by them. My dad has been helpful and has generally been the voice of reason (as he always has been) but convincing my mother to do anything is like pulling teeth. I feel like I'm talking in circles, don't really know if I missed anything or if I even answered any questions. I am mostly just wanting to get this written down to de-stress, so thank you all for letting me do so, it's much appreciated, and thanks for the congrats ^^

Okay so to all of the bolded: you say you want to cut the fluff, and then you basically plan a re-enactment of a wedding. You don't get attendants if you're not having an actual, legal ceremony. You're already married, and your mom is asking you to placate your (I assume) adult sister by asking her to fake stand up in a fake ceremony? No one needs save the dates for a party. The exception being (in my opinion), sending an email heads up if a good number of your guests would have to travel. "Hey aunt & uncle, we're having a party to celebrate our marriage that took place in Japan on x date. We'll send you a formal invite, but we wanted to give you a heads up to make travel arrangements." or something. 

When you say the ceremony in included, what do you mean by that? It doesn't sound like your venue is providing an officiant, so it sounds like something that could be skipped or eliminated, or negotiated into something else. For example, our venue said the ceremony was "included," but all that meant was using an additional location on the property for x length of time, plus the staff setting up chairs over there. Since you don't need a ceremony, ask them about putting that portion of the cost into something else. Maybe a larger space, extra staff there, up the food package if they're doing the catering, etc. OR tell them you're just throwing a party and see if they knock that charge off.

It sounds like your parents are going through a lot, and maybe your mom is using planning this party as a distraction. But that's not fair to you. What kind of celebration can you and your husband afford? Maybe it would be better to plan that party, and ask you mom for her thoughts. That way you don't have to choose what she wants, but she could still feel included. You'll cut the drama with having to ask her before you book anything. Would your brother be able to look at options for you? He may not think about things the same as you do, but he could take pictures, ask questions in person, etc. Or do you have any friends in that area? Another option is to find a venue that self-caters food and alcohol, book them and then just choose a package. If you've got friends in the area, maybe you could ask them to go to a tasting (and cover their meals of course) to get their thoughts on the food. Since you're throwing a party, not a wedding, there's no need to get this worked up. If you've lived out of the country so long, your friends and family will be more concerned about seeing you and meeting you new husband than probably anything else.

LondonLisa

" I do want to have this celebration as a celebration, not a reenactment, and I'm cutting all the fluff that I think we should"




So I just realised you are the same poster that was going to lie to everyone about your Japan wedding. Then you did a poll to see what a 'wedding' was to everyone so you could wiggle around with the definition and justify this party. And then were asking the difference between a wedding and a PPD saying you never had a religious wedding. 

Look, I give you credit for coming around to being honest with your guests, as a bare minimum, but you want this party. You can easily shut it down, but you aren't. Own it.

Just say that you are planning your own party and invite your parents. Decline their money. It's really not that hard. A backyard BBQ 'Meet my husband' party sounds stress free and easy to plan from Japan. 

There isn't a rule that the only family photos can happen at a wedding. Why don't you just plan a nice photoshoot and album of shots with your family. I fail to see why this needs to happen at a party. 

ahoywedding

LondonLisa said:

" I do want to have this celebration as a celebration, not a reenactment, and I'm cutting all the fluff that I think we should"




So I just realised you are the same poster that was going to lie to everyone about your Japan wedding. Then you did a poll to see what a 'wedding' was to everyone so you could wiggle around with the definition and justify this party. And then were asking the difference between a wedding and a PPD saying you never had a religious wedding. 

Look, I give you credit for coming around to being honest with your guests, as a bare minimum, but you want this party. You can easily shut it down, but you aren't. Own it.

Just say that you are planning your own party and invite your parents. Decline their money. It's really not that hard. A backyard BBQ 'Meet my husband' party sounds stress free and easy to plan from Japan. 

There isn't a rule that the only family photos can happen at a wedding. Why don't you just plan a nice photoshoot and album of shots with your family. I fail to see why this needs to happen at a party. 

Oh snap, thanks for pointing that out! Then I change my tune completely. Shut this crap down. Plan a nice dinner for you, your husband & your families or a backyard shindig. Nothing else. You want this and you're blaming your mom.

climbingsingle

It seems like she's only told her immediate family that she's already married. I bet the rest of the guests don't know. 

flantastic

You don't get attendants, you don't get a ceremony (nor does it financially make sense to have one just because the space and time are included). Have a party. Have a blowout party, if that's what you want. Take family pictures. But that's all.

I'm with PP in that you actually do want the reenactment, but nope, ship has sailed. Your sister may have wanted to be your MOH, but you denied her that opportunity already and she's not going to get it back - if anything she might be more hurt that you're asking her to pretend. Ship has sailed. Sailed.

Easiest option is to say "We're not doing X, Y, and Z or I'm not coming to the party, and as for the rest, if you want the party you can plan it, Mom." But you care more than you profess, so feel free to plan what's appropriate and just check in with your mom about cost or pay for something yourself.

southernbelle0915

TDLR;

"I am married, so we're cutting out all the fluff from this event............but I'm still having basically a full-on fake wedding complete with fake re-enactment ceremony (even though I'm pretty sure my marriage is legal), bridesmaids (just calling them something else), save the dates, and a heavily documented event that is not even a real wedding. I know my husband is reeling from the death of his best friend but I still think he should suck it up and focus on this unnecessary party with unnecessary attendants because I have them, so...... Also, I am an adult, but can't say no to my parents, decline their money, or set anything even resembling ground rules with them, so instead I'm complaining to my husband (his grieving < PPD problems), posting to this board to take up everyone's time reading my sob story that could be simplified by simply accepting my marriage and sending out wedding announcements or planning my own party with my own money for when I get home."

flantastic

Here's a good script you can use: "Mom, I've decided it's best if we don't have the party in the States; the problems it's causing for me and DH are greater than the purpose it would serve. I'm going to cancel the venue. We can plan a family photoshoot when we come home."

Fluff: excised!

artbyallie

I'm going to agree with most of the other posters that the quickest way to de-stress in this situation is to stop planning a wedding when you're already married. Don't need it; don't do it. A plain old party is much easier and less stressful, and if your mom wants to plan one she can just handle all of that without you.

MyNameIsNot

flantastic said:

Here's a good script you can use: "Mom, I've decided it's best if we don't have the party in the States; the problems it's causing for me and DH are greater than the purpose it would serve. I'm going to cancel the venue. We can plan a family photoshoot when we come home."

Fluff: excised!

This.

It's 100% clear that planning this from Japan is a horrible idea and creating stress and problems all over. Either cancel it totally or postpone until you move back to the states and can plan it locally.

If you do postpone, quit trying to turn it into a fake wedding. There's so much inappropriate here. 

mrsjapan

I am not trying to have a wedding, I have done extensive research and from what I found there are things you can do that overlap with what you do in a wedding. The venue was chosen by my mother after she went there for my sister's 21st birthday. It includes everything they wanted that I liked as well (like catering and full bar, which my dad wants). Both my parents and my in-laws want to have the attendants which I am comfortable with, I don't see why that is so wrong. I only made save-the-dates because of the fact that I live in Japan and that my cousin was recently engaged, so I didn't want my party to overlap hers and also I have a handful of relatives graduating this year (my brother and sister included) so timing is extremely important, invites only would've been too late. I am going to have a personal friend do the vow renewal ceremony for us so I'm not paying anything there. I've decided to drop having a videographer as it is excessive in this digital age. My aunt is doing the flowers, so that is another thing I'm not paying much for as well as any decor as my sister is super into DIY. My family has been supportive of my decisions thus far and no one has told me anything I'm doing is wrong. I do want to say that my older posts were made around the time I first joined here and I was 100%  unaware of any etiquette or what was considered considerate and all. I was never the kind of person who dreamed of her future wedding, I gave no thought to it before I got engaged. I can say that you have all been helpful in enlightening me (and I mean everyone, no matter how rude some your comments sounded). I had a chance to discuss everything with my husband last night and he is on my team and honestly he thinks I should do what makes me happy. He saw what I posted last time and the responses it got and he thinks it's downright shallow and snotty to be so blunt and rude to people through the internet. I only made this current post because I wanted to just get my feelings out and see if anything has changed. I don't know, I do feel better being able to just talk about this, but I feel that what's really going on doesn't quite get through to others through the internet. But I do still thank you all for your thoughts, no sarcasm

STARMOON44

Oh my god srsly? You posted about being stressed and overwhelmed. People had good suggestions how to deal with that. 

ahoywedding

eegonosenseidesu said:

I am not trying to have a wedding, I have done extensive research and from what I found there are things you can do that overlap with what you do in a wedding. The venue was chosen by my mother after she went there for my sister's 21st birthday. It includes everything they wanted that I liked as well (like catering and full bar, which my dad wants). Both my parents and my in-laws want to have the attendants which I am comfortable with, I don't see why that is so wrong. I only made save-the-dates because of the fact that I live in Japan and that my cousin was recently engaged, so I didn't want my party to overlap hers and also I have a handful of relatives graduating this year (my brother and sister included) so timing is extremely important, invites only would've been too late. I am going to have a personal friend do the vow renewal ceremony for us so I'm not paying anything there. I've decided to drop having a videographer as it is excessive in this digital age. My aunt is doing the flowers, so that is another thing I'm not paying much for as well as any decor as my sister is super into DIY. My family has been supportive of my decisions thus far and no one has told me anything I'm doing is wrong. I do want to say that my older posts were made around the time I first joined here and I was 100%  unaware of any etiquette or what was considered considerate and all. I was never the kind of person who dreamed of her future wedding, I gave no thought to it before I got engaged. I can say that you have all been helpful in enlightening me (and I mean everyone, no matter how rude some your comments sounded). I had a chance to discuss everything with my husband last night and he is on my team and honestly he thinks I should do what makes me happy. He saw what I posted last time and the responses it got and he thinks it's downright shallow and snotty to be so blunt and rude to people through the internet. I only made this current post because I wanted to just get my feelings out and see if anything has changed. I don't know, I do feel better being able to just talk about this, but I feel that what's really going on doesn't quite get through to others through the internet. But I do still thank you all for your thoughts, no sarcasm

Seriously? So a couple days ago, you were losing your mind about planning your wedding re-do from a zillion miles away and it was all your mom's fault for wanting these wedding-adjacent things, and now you're "doing what makes you happy," which just happens to include all of the weddingy things? Your friends and family won't say it to your face, but it's really rude to your guests to have a re-enactment. When you say you're having attendants & an "officiant," that's pretty re-enacty. When else in your life do you have people dressed alike flanking you & your spouse? Also, I thought you said your husband was stressing about finding a wedding party. I would say his opinion matters more on this topic than either of your parents'. I kind of get save the dates in this situation, but since that seemed to be one of the things causing you stress earlier, it could have been solved with an email, for free. 

No one was even that rude, but honestly we're saying the things your friends & family won't tell you. My sister had a wedding re-do at her destination "wedding" and both my other sister & I were very hurt by her decision, and also pretty peeved we paid for a vacation for a fake wedding. I would never say anything to her because she was so excited about the whole thing, but it was a shitty thing to do. 

ETA: fix early-morning spelling mistakes

charlotte989875

Just call it a a vow renewal and inform your guests (all your guests) that you were married.

 But really if it's all this stressful, why are you doing it? If you truly don't want these things don't do them. You don't need attendants just bc someone else wants to be in a wedding. But if you do want this big party, that's fine. If you're unhappy with the strings your mother is attaching to things, pay for it yourself, deal with what she's asking, or cancel the party. 

southernbelle0915

So it was a wedding re-do because kinda/sorta/maybe/not sure if legal? But then you're just booking the venue for a party? And now it's a vow renewal (with the trappings of a wedding, so basically a fake wedding)? 

What the hell do your save the dates say? I'm genuinely curious.

OliveOilsMom

You could have totally skipped the ceremony part.  If you really felt the need to say anything at your party about your spouse, you could have had separate toasts to each other.  That would have skipped the ceremony entirely.

And I am giving MAJOR side eye to the fact you had to get STDs out because your cousin is engaged!  It's like you are going to try and have family choose between a real live wedding or your vow renewal.

And if you have a Japanese license.  You would just need to get it translated by a certified translation company and America would accept it.  I'm sure if you go to the local Embassy, they would help you.  Basically, if the US recognizes the country you are married in, they accept your marriage license.  So don't try saying you might not be married.  If you followed the formal steps in Japan you are married in Japan, the US, and any other country you step foot.

InLoveInQueens

OliveOilsMom said:

You could have totally skipped the ceremony part.  If you really felt the need to say anything at your party about your spouse, you could have had separate toasts to each other.  That would have skipped the ceremony entirely.

And I am giving MAJOR side eye to the fact you had to get STDs out because your cousin is engaged!  It's like you are going to try and have family choose between a real live wedding or your vow renewal.

And if you have a Japanese license.  You would just need to get it translated by a certified translation company and America would accept it.  I'm sure if you go to the local Embassy, they would help you.  Basically, if the US recognizes the country you are married in, they accept your marriage license.  So don't try saying you might not be married.  If you followed the formal steps in Japan you are married in Japan, the US, and any other country you step foot.

For real! Just host a party, it's really not that hard. But OP is making it that hard because you know she actually wants the attention and to play pretend dress up. If she didn't she wouldn't be so eager to go along with everyone's demands.

I hope she realizes just how rude and tacky she's being before alienating friends and family with this performance.

This entire event is seriously overkill if you actually didn't want to do a reenactment, OP, and you know it.

ahoywedding

InLoveInQueens said:

OliveOilsMom said:

You could have totally skipped the ceremony part.  If you really felt the need to say anything at your party about your spouse, you could have had separate toasts to each other.  That would have skipped the ceremony entirely.

And I am giving MAJOR side eye to the fact you had to get STDs out because your cousin is engaged!  It's like you are going to try and have family choose between a real live wedding or your vow renewal.

And if you have a Japanese license.  You would just need to get it translated by a certified translation company and America would accept it.  I'm sure if you go to the local Embassy, they would help you.  Basically, if the US recognizes the country you are married in, they accept your marriage license.  So don't try saying you might not be married.  If you followed the formal steps in Japan you are married in Japan, the US, and any other country you step foot.

For real! Just host a party, it's really not that hard. But OP is making it that hard because you know she actually wants the attention and to play pretend dress up. If she didn't she wouldn't be so eager to go along with everyone's demands.

I hope she realizes just how rude and tacky she's being before alienating friends and family with this performance.

This entire event is seriously overkill if you actually didn't want to do a reenactment, OP, and you know it.

Seriously. My sister (who had the PPD DW) also had a party at home. They rented out a room in a local brewery, had tacos brought in & someone brought lawn games. Done. Everyone who went said it was fabulous and it was probably 0% stress for them.

MyNameIsNot

Whomever told you that it was acceptable to have attendants for a vow renewal/celebration of marriage was either on drugs or trying to get you to embarrass yourself for their entertainment. It's 100% inappropriate. 

GBCK

" I am almost 100% sure my marriage is legal in the US, but I did already talk to an officiant 2 months ago and he said it might not be, so I'm going with legal for now till proven not so. "

So...you bypassed the lawyer and asked a pastor, but still didn't ask a lawyer?