Moms and Maids

XP - Best Maid Conundrum

So baring any unfortunate falling outs or in capacities ( due to my illness) I am to be best maid at my friends wedding next year. He hasn't yet proposed as it would cause problems with her visa if he did but he is planning to on her birthday this year which means he has discussed it with we ( e.g cute ways to do it and type of faux ring to use as he want to take her shopping for the real one after the fact).

The issue I'm having is I've had someone tell me i'm not allowed at the bachelor party... I'm allowed to plan it but I'm not allowed to attend due to owning a pair of ovaries... Am i wrong to be greatly insulted by this as it wasn't said as a joke in any way?

According the this person ( who I'm gonna call M for misogamist) I'm expected to plan and put down deposits for the event and pay a percentage of the tab but i'm not allowed to go because " Girls cant keep things to themselves and you'll ruin the marriage by telling his Fi about the strippers"... My friend did tell him to F off and that I'm more of a lad than he'll ever be but i'm now wondering if there's some etiquette line i'm crossing by going?
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Re: XP - Best Maid Conundrum

  • Woah what?!? He's not even engaged. Why are you even talking about a bachelor party. Ignore this other person and scale back the excitement. 
    charlotte989875climbingwife
  • Okay maybe a little bit of context is needed. 

    Due to the nature of the relationship and the fact that they are going to have a really short engagement i'm looking into ideas as the things that he has shown interest in need booking 6 months ahead of time and that is going to be the entire length of the engagement. This is due to legal requirements to do with visas and out local country counsel.
     
    I wouldn't have even thought of starting to look until after the engagement if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances.
  • If there are legal hoops to jump through I'd simplify and stick with something like a night out for dinner and drinks.  M sounds like a jerk; I've been to a few bachelorette parties with guys in attendance, it was no biggie.  BP guest lists don't have to be all one gender.
    short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited August 31
    He's not even engaged yet. I suggest maybe getting a hobby. **


    ** And I say this based on all your other posts here. You seem to overly involve yourself in these type of situations, and it's just odd. 

    STARMOON44ahoyweddingInLoveInQueensMairePoppy
  • If you do become Best Maid, your only obligations are to show up on time, sober, dressed as agreed, and stand next to the groom during the ceremony.  Traditionally, the Best Man often holds the rings before the ring exchange, but this is not required.
    Parties are optional.  You are not obliged to be involved at all.  It is no different than a shower.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • nassyv12 said:
    Okay maybe a little bit of context is needed. 

    Due to the nature of the relationship and the fact that they are going to have a really short engagement i'm looking into ideas as the things that he has shown interest in need booking 6 months ahead of time and that is going to be the entire length of the engagement. This is due to legal requirements to do with visas and out local country counsel.
     
    I wouldn't have even thought of starting to look until after the engagement if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances.
    Then tell him he needs to develop an interest in other things that don't require six months planning. 
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • Take a breath, have some wine & chill. Since your friend isn't engaged yet, there's no need for you to plan any associated events yet. He's kind of a dick if he expects the bachelor party to be planned before he proposes, and if he wants such a short engagement. When you're working with that time frame, you get what you get. Ditto PP who said if there are legal hoops, maybe a smaller celebration would be easier to plan. What are is "interests" that it takes 6 months to plan a party?

    But if I were in your situation, I wouldn't help financially contribute to something I wasn't invited to. I would maybe help plan, but I love crap like that.
    SP29OliveOilsMom
  • nassyv12 said:
    So baring any unfortunate falling outs or in capacities ( due to my illness) I am to be best maid at my friends wedding next year. He hasn't yet proposed as it would cause problems with her visa if he did but he is planning to on her birthday this year which means he has discussed it with we ( e.g cute ways to do it and type of faux ring to use as he want to take her shopping for the real one after the fact).

    The issue I'm having is I've had someone tell me i'm not allowed at the bachelor party... I'm allowed to plan it but I'm not allowed to attend due to owning a pair of ovaries... Am i wrong to be greatly insulted by this as it wasn't said as a joke in any way?

    According the this person ( who I'm gonna call M for misogamist) I'm expected to plan and put down deposits for the event and pay a percentage of the tab but i'm not allowed to go because " Girls cant keep things to themselves and you'll ruin the marriage by telling his Fi about the strippers"... My friend did tell him to F off and that I'm more of a lad than he'll ever be but i'm now wondering if there's some etiquette line i'm crossing by going?
    Whoa. This sounds like a whole load of bullshit. Misogynist is right! AND he expects you to pay for and plan the thing he wants to bar you from attending.

    Whether or not you're currently planning anything with M, I think your responses to him should be consistently cool, calm, and disengaging. Let him know that he can talk to the groom about any issues he might have, but he's not in charge here. Bean dip if you have to, or leave the conversation.

    (I'd personally add in some quips about being stuck in the last century, how glad I was that he wasn't the one getting married if that's what he thinks about women, etc., but that is absolutely not helpful and you should avoid it until after the wedding.)

    nassyv12 said:
    Okay maybe a little bit of context is needed. 

    Due to the nature of the relationship and the fact that they are going to have a really short engagement i'm looking into ideas as the things that he has shown interest in need booking 6 months ahead of time and that is going to be the entire length of the engagement. This is due to legal requirements to do with visas and out local country counsel.
     
    I wouldn't have even thought of starting to look until after the engagement if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances.

    I'm not overly concerned with you doing the planning before the engagement...they're planning to get married, and therefore they're engaged for planning purposes, even if the state for some reason cares when a ring is given. We tell people all the time that if they're planning their wedding, they're engaged. This feels like the same thing.

    That said, unless you're willing to still do this thing if the engagement doesn't happen, I'd be wary about putting down any money for it yet. 
    charlotte989875short+sassySP29
  • Okay I have a feeling I should have put proposed in inverted commas. I've been a lurker on the not yet engaged board for nearly a year and most posters agree that people are engaged as soon as they start discussing it in a serious sense and @JediElizabeth has said above.

    I thought it was obvious from my saying "my friends wedding next year" that they are already planning it's just that they can put anything in stone for visa purposes. I'm in England our visa system is very different to the states.

    I also think it's a bit silly to suggest I need a hobby it's fairly clear if you've read my other post as you say you have then you know I'm an avid photographer so i have at least one that you know of anyway.

    I'd also like to point out that i'm not doing this because i have to or he's asked me to as some of you have suggested. I'm his best friend and even if he only has 6 months to plan his wedding with his Fi I don't feel that's any reason for him to miss out on the bachelor party experience ( I'd do the same for the bride if she'd like me to as well as her family will be streaming the wedding due to inability to travel). 

    Also the idea one of his grooms men and i had started as a birthday party idea until he announced that he was planning to marry his misses. At that point we just changed direction. M only knew what was going on because he over heard a conversation between me and the other grooms man at which point he caused the scene. We're planning a pie and mash bash at a local brewery who need six months so they can make sure it's updated on their website that its closed for a private party. Were going to go head with the idea for his birthday now instead and if it happens to work for a bachelor party as well then awesome but M's gonna be pissed any way because the groom has now said he doesn't want strippers anyway. 

    Thank you for all the advice.
    JediElizabeth
  • That sounds like a fun party! I think planning it as a birthday party and then turning it into a bachelor party if things work out is a good idea. I would put my foot down with M though, because he sounds like a misogynistic jerk. Would your friends FI want to be included? You could do a joint bachelor/bachelorette, so then all of your friends could be included and it would probably be easier than two separate events if you're working with a short timeline. 

    Also wow I didn't know the visa system there was so goofy that formally getting engaged changed things. I thought the US was the only one with a messed up system ;) 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    nassyv12 said:
    Okay I have a feeling I should have put proposed in inverted commas. I've been a lurker on the not yet engaged board for nearly a year and most posters agree that people are engaged as soon as they start discussing it in a serious sense and @JediElizabeth has said above.

    I thought it was obvious from my saying "my friends wedding next year" that they are already planning it's just that they can put anything in stone for visa purposes. I'm in England our visa system is very different to the states.

    I also think it's a bit silly to suggest I need a hobby it's fairly clear if you've read my other post as you say you have then you know I'm an avid photographer so i have at least one that you know of anyway.

    I'd also like to point out that i'm not doing this because i have to or he's asked me to as some of you have suggested. I'm his best friend and even if he only has 6 months to plan his wedding with his Fi I don't feel that's any reason for him to miss out on the bachelor party experience ( I'd do the same for the bride if she'd like me to as well as her family will be streaming the wedding due to inability to travel). 

    Also the idea one of his grooms men and i had started as a birthday party idea until he announced that he was planning to marry his misses. At that point we just changed direction. M only knew what was going on because he over heard a conversation between me and the other grooms man at which point he caused the scene. We're planning a pie and mash bash at a local brewery who need six months so they can make sure it's updated on their website that its closed for a private party. Were going to go head with the idea for his birthday now instead and if it happens to work for a bachelor party as well then awesome but M's gonna be pissed any way because the groom has now said he doesn't want strippers anyway. 

    Thank you for all the advice.
    Yes, I did see that you took some pictures of your friend. But again, from reading your other posts, it seems like you insert yourself into situations and become overly involved/engrossed in things you don't need to. 
    Your friend was having a problem with her MOH, and you felt the need to get involved. You mentioned wanting to pay for your friend's hotel room for the night before the wedding, even though you didn't actually know what her plans were. And now this. 

    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • @ahoywedding  I didn't know our system was so dodgy either it wasn't till he asked my help with the ring and told me he was worried about when and how as apparently they investigate a lot about the couple to make sure it's not a citizenship thing. 

    Unfortunately, his fi wouldn't want to join, although i would love it if she did. She's not a beer person and visiting/partying at a brewery is a big no for her. She's been looking at things like afternoon tea etc when planning her birthday so i don't think pie and mash is her thing, also she wont be in the country at the time due to family commitments in her home country. 

    @climbingwife actually I do know my friends plans hence I offered and she said that was the perfect idea for a wedding present from me as I work in one of the top hotels in our town. The only thing i didn't know with that situation was whether her fi was joining her and tbh I don't need to know that. 

    As for the MOH thing she put me in the middle with her comment about me "not being as special as her even if i was in a nice dress". My friend had a word with her and thanked me for my support when she needed a bitch. I just needed a place to vent and i said multiple times i wasn't getting involved in the drama just wanted more ways to shower the bride in love.
  • Don't let M rub you the wrong way or make you doubt the bach plans.  Obviously he is a curmudgeon with old fashioned, outdated views.  And the groom set him straight anyway.

    Of course you should attend the bach party!  You are part of the WP for the groom.  Especially if you are the one planning it.  I'm sure it will be a lot of fun for everyone.  Despite your "ovaries" :P.  Plus, I don't think it is even that unusual nowadays for bach/bachelerotte parties to be coed.

    I disagree with some of the other PPs.  This couple is planning to get married.  That makes them engaged, even if he hasn't officially popped the question. 

    Though now I have curiosity questions.  In the U.S., being engaged has no legal meaning (that I know of).  Is that different in the U.K.?  Or is it more that one of the questions for the visa is "are you engaged?" and she feels more honest answering "no" if she hasn't officially been asked?  Not side-eyeing, either way.  It just sounds odd that being engaged could be a problem for her visa.  But then, I'm not exactly well read on British laws, lol.

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    charlotte989875JediElizabeth
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    Don't invite M to anything.
                
    JediElizabethMesmrEwe
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited September 2
    Tell M if he can't handle your balls being bigger and higher up he can stay home because he's not mature enough to handle Bubbles!  Would I really say that to put a guy like that in his place - OH YEA!!!  AND - I would add the "Balls" gesture towards my boobs to drive home the point because he's going to trip over himself and it's going to be fun as he** to watch!

    Yes, plan the Bach party as you've been and you're going and bringing the 5's! lol (then if M keeps going - you add that she needs money for the college fund and he better be bringing 20's!)
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  • A woman went on H's bachelor weekend. She had been one of his best friends for nearly a decade at that point. I got a lot of comments about it, but I didn't care one iota. M is a knob.
  • Thanks guys i really did need some good comeback for this guy as he's now started to try and use my friends fi back round to remove me from the WP.

    Unfortunately I can't leave him out as hes a GM :( 

    @short+sassy at the moment she's on a study visa and if they get engaged this soon into it it could look like they aren't actually in love and she's just in it for the citizenship. We know that's not true but citizens advice told him to wait until she's 2/3 of the way through so that it doesn't look bad. One of the questions asked it "how did he propose" because if a girls in love then she'll go into every minuet detail e.g. of it was Tuesday the 25th June, our year and a half anniversary and he bought me tulips that are my favourite flower and took me out for sushi and there in me strawberry cheesecake mochi was this gorgeous Tiffany princess cut ring that I never thought he'd choose because we've never even talked about these thing and it was just magical..." where as when i was asked by someone i said yes to but didn't want to marry all anyone got was " it was on a beach... I guess it was cute..."

    Also not long after she goes back to her home country she has to apply for a fiancee visa which can be difficult if you've been engaged more than 6 months as they get suspicious.  
    short+sassy
  • What on earth kind of brewery needs 6 months notice to close for a private party? That's ridiculous. Find a new venue. 
    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomMyNameIsNot
  • @charlotte989875 I agree in every way especially as some of the other questions that have been asked in the last 5 year that I've heard of are just as sexist. But this is one of the reasons i didn't go into government it's still very much a mans mans world.

    And the brewery is a local independently run place that happens to make his favourite ale and gin so no thank you i won't be changing venue although if it hadn't been his favourite I might have taken that advice as it would have been sound in any other situation. 
  • nassyv12 said:
    Thanks guys i really did need some good comeback for this guy as he's now started to try and use my friends fi back round to remove me from the WP.

    Unfortunately I can't leave him out as hes a GM :( 

    @short+sassy at the moment she's on a study visa and if they get engaged this soon into it it could look like they aren't actually in love and she's just in it for the citizenship. We know that's not true but citizens advice told him to wait until she's 2/3 of the way through so that it doesn't look bad. One of the questions asked it "how did he propose" because if a girls in love then she'll go into every minuet detail e.g. of it was Tuesday the 25th June, our year and a half anniversary and he bought me tulips that are my favourite flower and took me out for sushi and there in me strawberry cheesecake mochi was this gorgeous Tiffany princess cut ring that I never thought he'd choose because we've never even talked about these thing and it was just magical..." where as when i was asked by someone i said yes to but didn't want to marry all anyone got was " it was on a beach... I guess it was cute..."

    Also not long after she goes back to her home country she has to apply for a fiancee visa which can be difficult if you've been engaged more than 6 months as they get suspicious.  
    That's fricken sexist and bullsh*t if it's used as an actual question or test of the relationship. I'd fail because I'd say "at a lake". 
    "He stuck a post-it on the dog."
    "He didn't. We had a conversation and came to a mutual agreement then we went and bought a ring." 

    Welp. Guess I'm not really engaged.
    image
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingsparklepants41
  • nassyv12 said:
    @charlotte989875 I agree in every way especially as some of the other questions that have been asked in the last 5 year that I've heard of are just as sexist. But this is one of the reasons i didn't go into government it's still very much a mans mans world.

    And the brewery is a local independently run place that happens to make his favourite ale and gin so no thank you i won't be changing venue although if it hadn't been his favourite I might have taken that advice as it would have been sound in any other situation. 
    Ok, but he isn't engaged, so it's wildly inappropriate to book a bachelor party. You wanna go ahead and do that anyway for the sake of ale knock yourself out. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • nassyv12 said:
    @charlotte989875 I agree in every way especially as some of the other questions that have been asked in the last 5 year that I've heard of are just as sexist. But this is one of the reasons i didn't go into government it's still very much a mans mans world.

    And the brewery is a local independently run place that happens to make his favourite ale and gin so no thank you i won't be changing venue although if it hadn't been his favourite I might have taken that advice as it would have been sound in any other situation. 
    Ok, but he isn't engaged, so it's wildly inappropriate to book a bachelor party. You wanna go ahead and do that anyway for the sake of ale knock yourself out. 
    I think worst case scenario this goes back to being a birthday party. It's not that big a deal to plan now, as long as you're not going to lose the deposit and everyone who's paying is on the same page.
    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • I thought we'd move past this considering people on these board agree that if a wedding is being planned then the couple are engaged even if its unofficially?

    Besides there's now a new problem same people. M has turned round and said that if the groom has a best maid instead of a best man then he's not going to be part of it and another friend of the groom has asked the groom if it's really worth ending a friendship over some stupid title for some girl who they don't know ( even though i was out playing pool with them at the time and I've been friends with the groom for 7 years which is longer that them combined) 

    Is it me or are these people going a bit ott with this? I mean I always thought that it was the bride and grooms choice who was in their wp not a collective vote between men and women. Either way i'm gonna sit back and wait to see what the groom says as it his choice but i'm kinda hurt by some of the comments made when they think i can't hear them. The groom does stick up for me but when he does his friends just walk away from him and tell him to "man up".
    JediElizabeth
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