Bonus: Parental alienation

mrsconn23

Dear Jane,

I am going through divorce after six years together and he does not accept it at all, but much worse he talks bad about me to our four year old daughter. What can I do about this? I know this is probably a common thing but it is so sad when you see the little confused face. I want to protect her from it and I cannot because he does not understand how bad it is hurting her.

I am a responsible mother who works full time and organizes everything for my daughter—school, gymnastics, holidays—while he stays in the evening with her until I come home. But my daughter loves him as he has lots of time to play with her while I am rushing organizing the house and working during the week. I stay with her on the weekends and we do lots of things together. He never seems to find a proper stable job and cannot be independent so he lives with us and he is controlling and jealous.

Thanks for any advice!

OliveOilsMom

This is not healthy for anyone.  He needs to move out.  Perhaps if he is forced, he will land on his feet and keep a job and begin to live independently.

LW needs a lawyer and a spelled out custody agreement with specific repercussions if either party speaks badly about the other in front of the child.  The father being controlling and jealous can only lead to bad things for LW.

There are lots of single parents out there, LW just needs to find what works for her, but keeping the situation the same will not benefit anyone.  I don't even think it would benefit the daughter in this instance, even though she has a parent with her.

banana468

He needs to get his own place.  He has no reeason to stay there.   

short+sassy

What a terrible situation.  It probably won't work, but I would try to plan a quiet dinner with the soon-to-be ex.  During a calm time and where "little ears" can't overhear.  And have a heart-to-heart conversation about the best ways to co-parent, considering the upcoming divorce.

It should be a two-sided conversation that is not accusatory.  Or he will just shut down.  It should focus on how to best shield their daughter from the unhappiness.

Perhaps this is something she should speak to her divorce attorney about first, but plans should be made for him to GTFO.

Obviously we are only getting one side.  But a person who expects their spouse to do EVERYTHING, while they sit around the house and work the occasional job, is a serious dead weight that needs to be cut loose.  

southernbelle0915

Going through a divorce while he lives with/leaches off her AND talks poorly about her to their daughter?

lyndausvi

banana468 said:

He needs to get his own place.  He has no reeason to stay there.   

It sounds simple but it's not in some cases.

If they own the home (or even if both of them are on a lease) he is legally allowed to be there.     My cousin was forced to live with her now-ex for 2 years because they owned the house together.  This was after he gambled away the mortgage money and they almost lost the house.  She was the one who saved the house.

At least where they lived  if either left it would be considered abandonment.       Her husband didn't pay for anything while he was there.    In the end she got the house, but he didn't leave until the last minute.     In their case, they had a mother-in-law suite so she didn't have to spend time with him directly, but it still sucked.


So yes, the easier answer is he needs to leave, but it's not that easy in some states.

VarunaTT

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Jane,

I am going through divorce after six years together and he does not accept it at all, but much worse he talks bad about me to our four year old daughter. What can I do about this? I know this is probably a common thing but it is so sad when you see the little confused face. I want to protect her from it and I cannot because he does not understand how bad it is hurting her.

I am a responsible mother who works full time and organizes everything for my daughter—school, gymnastics, holidays—while he stays in the evening with her until I come home. But my daughter loves him as he has lots of time to play with her while I am rushing organizing the house and working during the week. I stay with her on the weekends and we do lots of things together. He never seems to find a proper stable job and cannot be independent so he lives with us and he is controlling and jealous.

Thanks for any advice!

This is part of the reason why I left.  There is a fine line between enabling and supporting.  I'm sure it's even more difficult with a child involved.  But this woman, if she can't force him out, needs to go out on her own.  If she's the one with a stable home/job, she'll get the main custody.  And then get her child into therapy.  

I'm still so thankful I didn't have children with xDH.  It would've been a disaster during our divorce.  My xMIL alone would've made sure of that.

banana468

lyndausvi said:

banana468 said:

He needs to get his own place.  He has no reeason to stay there.   

It sounds simple but it's not in some cases.

If they own the home (or even if both of them are on a lease) he is legally allowed to be there.     My cousin was forced to live with her now-ex for 2 years because they owned the house together.  This was after he gambled away the mortgage money and they almost lost the house.  She was the one who saved the house.

At least where they lived  if either left it would be considered abandonment.       Her husband didn't pay for anything while he was there.    In the end she got the house, but he didn't leave until the last minute.     In their case, they had a mother-in-law suite so she didn't have to spend time with him directly, but it still sucked.


So yes, the easier answer is he needs to leave, but it's not that easy in some states.

That's a good point.

I hope this LW is seeking the help of a good attorney to come up with a plan of action.