How to plan for a potential postponement?

Knottiee2125053d09a62b4

Taken Down

southernbelle0915

That's really tricky.

How much does your fiance and his family hold true to this tradition? My understanding of this old tradition is that it is either within 100 days or you have to wait 3 years if it's super strict. But more recently, many families observe just 100 days or 30 days or as few as 7 days. You should find out how traditional his family really is and exactly what they observe or plan to observe. Surely if grandpa is on his deathbed, they will have a plan.

I wouldn't book anything else until you know more about how his family observes this. 

charlotte989875

Knottiee2125053d09a62b4 said:

Need advice!

My fiance and I are scheduled to get married in about 8 months -- we have put down payments on a venue and a wedding planner, but haven't sent save the dates yet. Sadly, his elderly grandfather's health has started failing. I'm very concerned about him and we're all praying for an upswing. As we do so, I'm stuck on how/whether to move forward on planning.

My fiance's (Chinese) culture allows no weddings in the "mourning period" (I think a year or so) after a close family member's death.  I personally don't care at all if we have to postpone, particularly for such an important reason. But I know how I'll feel if I have to tell 60 or so people that the wedding is canceled after they've invested in cross-country travel, and try to explain why a not-so-unforeseen tragedy several months beforehand means a cancellation when in a traditional western wedding it wouldn't. That kind of money is a big deal to most of my family members, and we'll be lucky if they decide they can come in the first place.

How can I navigate this issue? For obvious reasons, it's hard to try to tell my fiance to worry about some people's canceled flights when his beloved grandfather is sick, and the cross-cultural issues make it even more sensitive. I'm planning to support him regardless, but I don't know how to plan to minimize potential fallout.

I agree with @southernbelle0915, have a clear talk with you FI, and if he's not sure have him talk with his family. I get wanting to be sensitive to this really difficult time, but it's not your culture and you want to support him, but you also can't plan a wedding like this. Talk with him, see how closely his family follows tradition, and explain why this would be such a big deal to your family. 

STARMOON44

If he wants to follow this tradition, don't send save the dates and send invites 8 weeks out if you think it will happen. But know in doing so you're prioritizing his cultural concerns over you wanting people to actually come. Are you sure?

kwiksilver

STARMOON44 said:

If he wants to follow this tradition, don't send save the dates and send invites 8 weeks out if you think it will happen. But know in doing so you're prioritizing his cultural concerns over you wanting people to actually come. Are you sure?

If none of HIS family will come because of the mourning period it's basically 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. Pushing forth a wedding against the wishes of your in laws is a bad foot to start a marriage on IMO

downtondiva

You cannot decide anything on this until you speak with your FI and he speaks with his family, both about the mourning period and about his grandfather's prognosis ("failing health" can mean a lot of different things). American/Western mourning traditions have certainly changed over the years, so it is possible that other cultures' traditions have as well. Don't automatically assume. 

I understand the discomfort with bringing up this subject during a difficult time for FI and his family. However, the way I see it, you aren't just asking about this for the sake of planning logistics. You are also asking in order to respect his family; after all, you don't want to move ahead with planning and then none of them can attend! While I think your FI needs to be the one to bring up this issue with his family, it is a conversation that needs to happen.

CMGragain

Is this a Chinese-American family, or a family in China?  I think it makes a big difference.  Many Chinese-American families have become used to western culture and will be understanding.  (My daughter married a man from a Chinese family.)
This is up to your FI to negotiate.  In a Chinese family, the oldest male relative will make any decisions like this.  He needs to do this ASAP.