Etiquette

Future MIL wants a choreographed dance...with HER friends

So my fiancé's mom mentioned a few months ago that she wanted to do a choreographed with my fiancé. I would have been fine with that, that could have been their mother-son dance. My fiancé refused, which I figured he would and is why I said that would be okay in the first place. Fast forward to today, a man I work with, his wife is good friends with my future MIL, told me that the women got together to practice "the mom's" dance...what?? I thought she would have dropped it after my fiancé said no. Now she's planning a dance with her friends? Neither my fiancé nor I want her to do this, but we're not sure how to approach her about it. She hasn't mentioned it to us since that first time. I think she's thinking we'll think its funny and their creative, but we just think she's taking some of the spotlight. Yes, both sets of parents are helping to pay for the wedding, but my fiancé and I are paying for more than them.

Any ideas on how to approach a future MIL without hurting her feelings? My fiancé said he would talk to her, but who knows if that will happen. 
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Re: Future MIL wants a choreographed dance...with HER friends

  • banana468 said:
    So my fiancé's mom mentioned a few months ago that she wanted to do a choreographed with my fiancé. I would have been fine with that, that could have been their mother-son dance. My fiancé refused, which I figured he would and is why I said that would be okay in the first place. Fast forward to today, a man I work with, his wife is good friends with my future MIL, told me that the women got together to practice "the mom's" dance...what?? I thought she would have dropped it after my fiancé said no. Now she's planning a dance with her friends? Neither my fiancé nor I want her to do this, but we're not sure how to approach her about it. She hasn't mentioned it to us since that first time. I think she's thinking we'll think its funny and their creative, but we just think she's taking some of the spotlight. Yes, both sets of parents are helping to pay for the wedding, but my fiancé and I are paying for more than them.

    Any ideas on how to approach a future MIL without hurting her feelings? My fiancé said he would talk to her, but who knows if that will happen. 
    Pick the battles with your FMIL.  

    If I were your FI I'd say, "Hey mom, what's this I hear about a mom dance!?" 

    If they're working on some large coordinated effort I'd consider rolling my eyes and just being at the bar while she intended to make a spectacle of herself.   If you think your FI has an impact, a heart to heart asking her exactly what she's hoping to get out of such a dance could help.   But if she's hell-bent on this, it's 5 minutes of time that you could spend peeing. 
    QFT and LOL at the bolded 
    charlotte989875
  • Although I admit I find it a little cringe worthy, though I'm see-sawing if it would be a hill I would want to die on if she really wants to do it.  To me, every wedding should pretty much only have two spotlight dances.  The couple together.  And then the mother/son and father/daughter dance...done at the same time.  With the DJ opening up the dance floor about halfway through that.

    With that said, is your FI planning to have a mother/son dance with her?  But just didn't want a choreographed routine?  If so, he should talk to her about what he heard about her "dance"...but, no, these are the only two spotlight dances happening (and see my note above, lol).  Or whatever spotlight dances you all are doing :).  I realized I sounded a bit like the Queen of approved spotlight dances, but I do have strong opinions about it, lol. 

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  • I'd be annoyed and if it was my own mother I'd tell her to cut the sh*t. But if it was H's mom I'd probably roll my eyes and let her do what she wants, it just wouldn't be worth it to fight with her about it. 
    banana468
  • Just ask her straight out what she is planning. Tell her you don't want extra spotlight dances and the DJ won't be able to accommodate her. Then stress to the DJ not to play any special song for the MIL.
    SP29
  • IMO - Not a hill to die on!!!  Let them have their fun, it'll be a great opportunity for you to run to the ladies room/shovel in an extra slice of cake undisturbed/go out in the hallway with FI for a "we really did this!" (happy together) moment because the attention will be off you just long enough...  This IS NOT worth getting worked up over since you've both decided already NOT to participate.  The only thing worth approaching IMO is that things be done in good taste - that's it!  

    Your FI handles this one, NOT YOU!  This is a "Blood talks to blood" project.  
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    CMGragainbanana468short+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    member
    edited September 2
    Just be prepared for more attention getting behavior from FMIL.  I have been there.  Any woman who would plan something like this without the couples' permission has some serious issues.  Narcissistic personality disorder?

    My own NPD mother planned a shower for me with a friend of hers.  There was not one of my friends at this shower.  They were all hers.  It was all about getting attention.

    How does your FI handle this issue?  Does he try to placate her, or does he stand up to her?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • MobKaz said:
    I'd be annoyed and if it was my own mother I'd tell her to cut the sh*t. But if it was H's mom I'd probably roll my eyes and let her do what she wants, it just wouldn't be worth it to fight with her about it. 
    Bride doesn't have to fight about it.  Groom needs to shut it down just as bride would had it been her mother.
    Of course; I meant more it wouldn't be worth it to me to have me, or him, make a fuss about it. Whoever is doing the shutting it down, the fallout just wouldn't be worth it to me when I could be at the bar/bathroom/silently rolling my eyes. The long term relationship over the short term annoyance. 
  • No way would I be subjecting the rest of my guests to sitting through this. 
    QFT.

    This is cringe-worthy, and if you and your groom are running away during it, you certainly shouldn't have your guests sit through it.

    IF you're going to allow this to happen: I had 3 friends actually do a choreographed dance to "Shake it Off." They did not have the DJ announce it or clear the dance floor or anything, and it was done while everyone else was already drinking and partying. About 1/3 of the guests were in on it (all of our friends), and they made a circle around them, but there was plenty of room for others to continue to dance if they didn't want to be a part of it. Since so many people were into it though, most of our family filled out the circle and had fun with it.

    We ONLY allowed it to happen because when I mentioned it to other guests, the unanimous response was an enthusiastic "I can't wait to see this," not "OMG that sounds awful."  The people involved have done improve and other theater, and fully committed without ego. It was unique to my circle, and I would not recommend it to anyone else.
    SP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited September 3
    @Jen4948 that is so true. 

    It's better to prevent the fiasco and not subject the guests to it. But the little meany in me wants that picture to remind FMIL of what is sure to be an embarrassing moment. 



                
    eileenrobSP29OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • Who is paying your DJ? I hope you and fi are the ones who are dealing with him. Give him a heads up on FMIL's plan and tell him that you don't want that spotlight dance and he should not introduce their group. If FMIL is generally a nice woman, who has just gotten a brief case of the wedding crazies, Fi should have a heart to heart with her. I wonder why none of her friends have realized how inappropriate this is.

    I admire banana468's fortitude, though. If FMIL is the type who constantly seeks attention, let her make an ass of herself. Ask the photog to get some pics of the dance and have the most ridiculous one made up for her as a gift. You could present it to her at the milestone birthday party that she is sure to host for herself in the near future.
    My take is that if the lines aren't clear about who is paying for what aspects and the MIL is hell-bent on this then I think it's worth one attempt from her son to tell her why this is aa bad idea.

    After that,  if MIL still feels compelled to do this then I'd  ve clear thast the dance floor won't be cleared for her, others can dance are the same time, and neither the bride or groom have to watch or approve.  

    That said, it's 5 minutes.   There are bigger battles in life worth far more time.  
    charlotte989875eileenrobMairePoppy
  • banana468 said:
    Who is paying your DJ? I hope you and fi are the ones who are dealing with him. Give him a heads up on FMIL's plan and tell him that you don't want that spotlight dance and he should not introduce their group. If FMIL is generally a nice woman, who has just gotten a brief case of the wedding crazies, Fi should have a heart to heart with her. I wonder why none of her friends have realized how inappropriate this is.

    I admire banana468's fortitude, though. If FMIL is the type who constantly seeks attention, let her make an ass of herself. Ask the photog to get some pics of the dance and have the most ridiculous one made up for her as a gift. You could present it to her at the milestone birthday party that she is sure to host for herself in the near future.
    My take is that if the lines aren't clear about who is paying for what aspects and the MIL is hell-bent on this then I think it's worth one attempt from her son to tell her why this is aa bad idea.

    After that,  if MIL still feels compelled to do this then I'd  ve clear thast the dance floor won't be cleared for her, others can dance are the same time, and neither the bride or groom have to watch or approve.  

    That said, it's 5 minutes.   There are bigger battles in life worth far more time.  
    This. Be clear you won't clear the dance floor, you won't stop and "announce" it, but it just wouldn't be a hill I'd be willing to die for. But if the OP feels like it is, it should be the FI who explains that to his mother. 
    eileenrobmollybarker11SP29
  • kaos16 said:
    I know I've mentioned this a bunch of times on the boards, but I was a guest at a wedding where the mother of the groom did a spotlight choreographed routine for the couple.  It was a surprise that she worked on for them for a long time.  She changed into a leotard and everything, even knocked over a little girl who tried to play on the dance floor while it was happening.  Bride and Groom sat at their sweetheart table and watched it, sipping their cocktails.  It was over in a few minutes.  I thought it was ridiculous, as did most gets. . . . but I also think the Bride and Groom handled it so well, because it would have broken her heart if they shut it down.

    I didn't remember it was you, @kaos6, who had originally told this story.  But that is the example I thought of as I was reading the OP's post, lol.


    I'd only support it if they did this. 


    Actually for me, this is EXACTLY what I would be afraid of, lmao.
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  • kaos16 said:
    I know I've mentioned this a bunch of times on the boards, but I was a guest at a wedding where the mother of the groom did a spotlight choreographed routine for the couple.  It was a surprise that she worked on for them for a long time.  She changed into a leotard and everything, even knocked over a little girl who tried to play on the dance floor while it was happening.  Bride and Groom sat at their sweetheart table and watched it, sipping their cocktails.  It was over in a few minutes.  I thought it was ridiculous, as did most gets. . . . but I also think the Bride and Groom handled it so well, because it would have broken her heart if they shut it down.

    I didn't remember it was you, @kaos6, who had originally told this story.  But that is the example I thought of as I was reading the OP's post, lol.


    I'd only support it if they did this. 


    Actually for me, this is EXACTLY what I would be afraid of, lmao.

    It could be TERRIBLE.  Only the FI can have an idea of what his mom would do.

    But the reality is that it's not going to make the couple look bad.   It's going to make the FMIL look bad. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited September 5
    banana468 said:
    kaos16 said:
    I know I've mentioned this a bunch of times on the boards, but I was a guest at a wedding where the mother of the groom did a spotlight choreographed routine for the couple.  It was a surprise that she worked on for them for a long time.  She changed into a leotard and everything, even knocked over a little girl who tried to play on the dance floor while it was happening.  Bride and Groom sat at their sweetheart table and watched it, sipping their cocktails.  It was over in a few minutes.  I thought it was ridiculous, as did most gets. . . . but I also think the Bride and Groom handled it so well, because it would have broken her heart if they shut it down.

    I didn't remember it was you, @kaos6, who had originally told this story.  But that is the example I thought of as I was reading the OP's post, lol.


    I'd only support it if they did this. 


    Actually for me, this is EXACTLY what I would be afraid of, lmao.

    It could be TERRIBLE.  Only the FI can have an idea of what his mom would do.

    But the reality is that it's not going to make the couple look bad.   It's going to make the FMIL look bad. 
    Unfortunately, the bolded is not necessarily true.

    People do have a tendency, however unjustified and irrational, to blame the couple when things go wrong at their weddings even if it's not their fault.

    If the FMIL is allowed to do it, the couple is not going to want wedding guests to keep bringing it up later while painting it in a negative light whenever the subject of their wedding comes up. "Oh yes, it was Frank's mother who made an ass of herself at Tom and Mary's wedding!"

    People have done this at some of my family members' events and it was mortifying for the honorees, even though it wasn't their fault, as well as others at the events who witnessed what happened.

    Nobody wants everyone else to remember the making an ass of oneself.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    member
    edited September 5
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    kaos16 said:
    I know I've mentioned this a bunch of times on the boards, but I was a guest at a wedding where the mother of the groom did a spotlight choreographed routine for the couple.  It was a surprise that she worked on for them for a long time.  She changed into a leotard and everything, even knocked over a little girl who tried to play on the dance floor while it was happening.  Bride and Groom sat at their sweetheart table and watched it, sipping their cocktails.  It was over in a few minutes.  I thought it was ridiculous, as did most gets. . . . but I also think the Bride and Groom handled it so well, because it would have broken her heart if they shut it down.

    I didn't remember it was you, @kaos6, who had originally told this story.  But that is the example I thought of as I was reading the OP's post, lol.


    I'd only support it if they did this. 


    Actually for me, this is EXACTLY what I would be afraid of, lmao.

    It could be TERRIBLE.  Only the FI can have an idea of what his mom would do.

    But the reality is that it's not going to make the couple look bad.   It's going to make the FMIL look bad. 
    Unfortunately, the bolded is not necessarily true.

    People do have a tendency, however unjustified and irrational, to blame the couple when things go wrong at their weddings even if it's not their fault.

    If the FMIL is allowed to do it, the couple is not going to want wedding guests to keep bringing it up later while painting it in a negative light whenever the subject of their wedding comes up. "Oh yes, it was Frank's mother who made an ass of herself at Tom and Mary's wedding!"

    People have done this at some of my family members' events and it was mortifying for the honorees, even though it wasn't their fault, as well as others at the events who witnessed what happened.

    Nobody wants everyone else to remember the making an ass of oneself.
    "Allowed" - I don't think most people ever assume these things were encouraged or allowed. Which is why you can try your best to have the son discourage it, you can tell the DJ not to go along (which are good suggestions people gave), but you shouldn't shut it down mid dance.

    Sure, it might be annoying to have people think about that anytime they think of your wedding, but they really are not going to blame the couple unless the couple are really ungracious about it once it starts happening. And you can't do much more than those preventative measures in terms of control. Some MILs can't be stopped.

    ETA: Really, they should just consider themselves lucky they heard about it. That way they can employ some sort of preventative measures instead of being totally surprised like people often are with dances, memorials, slideshows, and other awful things.

    Anniversary

    banana468charlotte989875
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    ETA: Really, they should just consider themselves lucky they heard about it. That way they can employ some sort of preventative measures instead of being totally surprised like people often are with dances, memorials, slideshows, and other awful things.
    I agree with you about this and that they need to take steps to nip it in the bud before the FMIL commandeers the floor for her little musical number.

    But unfortunately, it's not true that people don't blame the couple if it happens and the couple do nothing to stop it. Like I said, it's not fair, reasonable or rational, but people who are looking to make snarky remarks or pass judgment aren't concerned with what's fair, reasonable or rational or the couple's feelings.
    eileenrob
  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    kaos16 said:
    I know I've mentioned this a bunch of times on the boards, but I was a guest at a wedding where the mother of the groom did a spotlight choreographed routine for the couple.  It was a surprise that she worked on for them for a long time.  She changed into a leotard and everything, even knocked over a little girl who tried to play on the dance floor while it was happening.  Bride and Groom sat at their sweetheart table and watched it, sipping their cocktails.  It was over in a few minutes.  I thought it was ridiculous, as did most gets. . . . but I also think the Bride and Groom handled it so well, because it would have broken her heart if they shut it down.

    I didn't remember it was you, @kaos6, who had originally told this story.  But that is the example I thought of as I was reading the OP's post, lol.


    I'd only support it if they did this. 


    Actually for me, this is EXACTLY what I would be afraid of, lmao.

    It could be TERRIBLE.  Only the FI can have an idea of what his mom would do.

    But the reality is that it's not going to make the couple look bad.   It's going to make the FMIL look bad. 
    Unfortunately, the bolded is not necessarily true.

    People do have a tendency, however unjustified and irrational, to blame the couple when things go wrong at their weddings even if it's not their fault.

    If the FMIL is allowed to do it, the couple is not going to want wedding guests to keep bringing it up later while painting it in a negative light whenever the subject of their wedding comes up. "Oh yes, it was Frank's mother who made an ass of herself at Tom and Mary's wedding!"

    People have done this at some of my family members' events and it was mortifying for the honorees, even though it wasn't their fault, as well as others at the events who witnessed what happened.

    Nobody wants everyone else to remember the making an ass of oneself.
    "Allowed" - I don't think most people ever assume these things were encouraged or allowed. Which is why you can try your best to have the son discourage it, you can tell the DJ not to go along (which are good suggestions people gave), but you shouldn't shut it down mid dance.

    Sure, it might be annoying to have people think about that anytime they think of your wedding, but they really are not going to blame the couple unless the couple are really ungracious about it once it starts happening. And you can't do much more than those preventative measures in terms of control. Some MILs can't be stopped.

    ETA: Really, they should just consider themselves lucky they heard about it. That way they can employ some sort of preventative measures instead of being totally surprised like people often are with dances, memorials, slideshows, and other awful things.
    That's where I am.

    If people are going to blame the couple for the actions that aren't the couple's, frankly that's on the blamer.    It's all in how the couple reacts where they can receive just criticism.   It makes no sense to criticize the couple for the actions of the groom's mom than it does to criticize the couple for a piece of burnt chicken.  

    There will be plenty of issues that come up in a lifetime.   If a 5 minute dance is the biggest issue that you're facing then I commend you on your easy life.
    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
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