Etiquette

Future MIL wants a choreographed dance...with HER friends

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Re: Future MIL wants a choreographed dance...with HER friends

  • Jen4948 said:

    ETA: Really, they should just consider themselves lucky they heard about it. That way they can employ some sort of preventative measures instead of being totally surprised like people often are with dances, memorials, slideshows, and other awful things.
    I agree with you about this and that they need to take steps to nip it in the bud before the FMIL commandeers the floor for her little musical number.

    But unfortunately, it's not true that people don't blame the couple if it happens and the couple do nothing to stop it. Like I said, it's not fair, reasonable or rational, but people who are looking to make snarky remarks or pass judgment aren't concerned with what's fair, reasonable or rational or the couple's feelings.
    Then quite frankly, I don't think anyone needs to worry about those people.

    If the judgy people are going to be snarky and will pass judgment without rational thinking as a hostess I'm not interested.   If they're going to find fault with anything done then there's no pleasing those who have an opinion on everything.    If anything this is just quality fodder for their bathroom gossip and if it wasn't the MIL dance that would have triggered the judging then something else would have.  

    I'm concerned about those who think.
    MobKazPrettyGirlLostSP29MairePoppy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    Jen4948 said:

    ETA: Really, they should just consider themselves lucky they heard about it. That way they can employ some sort of preventative measures instead of being totally surprised like people often are with dances, memorials, slideshows, and other awful things.
    I agree with you about this and that they need to take steps to nip it in the bud before the FMIL commandeers the floor for her little musical number.

    But unfortunately, it's not true that people don't blame the couple if it happens and the couple do nothing to stop it. Like I said, it's not fair, reasonable or rational, but people who are looking to make snarky remarks or pass judgment aren't concerned with what's fair, reasonable or rational or the couple's feelings.
    Maybe. But those people who would actually blame the couple for actions that were not theirs are the small minority, and honestly who the fuck cares about their opinion?

    If you're more concerned about the "snarky comments" existing, about something that happening at one's wedding reception that isn't in your control, well, again, who cares? The couple should not be getting bent out of shape that other people are making fun of something that was actually ridiculous. They should deflect, say, "Yeah, we're not sure what was happening there, oh boy" and move on with their lives.

    Anniversary

    banana468charlotte989875PrettyGirlLostMairePoppy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited September 5
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited September 5
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
    1) A five minute dance is not full-control of the wedding reception at all.   Most are 4-5 hours.   Five minutes is approximately 1.7% of the entire event.  

    2) The OP mentions in her first post that both sets of parents are contributing although does not clarify if funds are for clear expenses.  


    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited September 5
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
    1) A five minute dance is not full-control of the wedding reception at all.   Most are 4-5 hours.   Five minutes is approximately 1.7% of the entire event.  

    2) The OP mentions in her first post that both sets of parents are contributing although does not clarify if funds are for clear expenses.  


    1) Her contribution doesn't give her the right to unilaterally decide that she's doing this dance and everyone else be damned. And if she feels like that, the couple can return her money if they don't want her to do this.

    2) Like you said, we don't know whether her contribution is specifically for entertainment. Again, if it is and she insists on this, the couple can return the money if they don't want to include this.

    Since the OP said that she doesn't want it and her FI agreed with her (even if he's uncomfortable about approaching his mother), they can take steps to shut it down. Just because she ignored them and is trying to get away with it doesn't mean they have to put up with it.
  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
    1) A five minute dance is not full-control of the wedding reception at all.   Most are 4-5 hours.   Five minutes is approximately 1.7% of the entire event.  

    2) The OP mentions in her first post that both sets of parents are contributing although does not clarify if funds are for clear expenses.  


    1) Her contribution doesn't give her the right to unilaterally decide that she's doing this dance and everyone else be damned. And if she feels like that, the couple can return her money if they don't want her to do this.

    2) Like you said, we don't know whether her contribution is specifically for entertainment. Again, if it is and she insists on this, the couple can return the money if they don't want to include this.

    Since the OP said that she doesn't want it and her FI agreed with her (even if he's uncomfortable about approaching his mother), they can take steps to shut it down. Just because she ignored them and is trying to get away with it doesn't mean they have to put up with it.
    You're absolutely right.   The couple CAN do all of this.

    All over a 5 minute dance.

    Only the OP and her FI can decide if this is the battle they want.    I guarantee you the battle will last longer than the dance.   It's up to them to decide if it's worth it.   As someone who has been married I'm telling you that for me, it's not a battle I'd pick at all. 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensILoveBeachMusic
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    edited September 5
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
    1) A five minute dance is not full-control of the wedding reception at all.   Most are 4-5 hours.   Five minutes is approximately 1.7% of the entire event.  

    2) The OP mentions in her first post that both sets of parents are contributing although does not clarify if funds are for clear expenses.  


    1) Her contribution doesn't give her the right to unilaterally decide that she's doing this dance and everyone else be damned. And if she feels like that, the couple can return her money if they don't want her to do this.

    2) Like you said, we don't know whether her contribution is specifically for entertainment. Again, if it is and she insists on this, the couple can return the money if they don't want to include this.

    Since the OP said that she doesn't want it and her FI agreed with her (even if he's uncomfortable about approaching his mother), they can take steps to shut it down. Just because she ignored them and is trying to get away with it doesn't mean they have to put up with it.
    You're absolutely right.   The couple CAN do all of this.

    All over a 5 minute dance.

    Only the OP and her FI can decide if this is the battle they want.    I guarantee you the battle will last longer than the dance.   It's up to them to decide if it's worth it.   As someone who has been married I'm telling you that for me, it's not a battle I'd pick at all. 
     
    I totally agree with you, Banana. I happen to have a great relationship with my MIL, and I will tell you that it's because I've picked my battles. I'm not going to fight her on every single thing. If my MIL had wanted to make a spectacle of herself at the reception for a few minutes, have at it! Like a PP said, I'll use that time to lift up my giant dress and pee with 3 people in the stall with me. 

    I've had two weddings now, both where guests did some funny/slightly embarrassing things. People talked about it for a week or two, and then moved on. I highly doubt this is something people would talk about "all the time". If they do, well, maybe their lives are just that boring. 

    banana468charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited September 5
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
    1) A five minute dance is not full-control of the wedding reception at all.   Most are 4-5 hours.   Five minutes is approximately 1.7% of the entire event.  

    2) The OP mentions in her first post that both sets of parents are contributing although does not clarify if funds are for clear expenses.  


    1) Her contribution doesn't give her the right to unilaterally decide that she's doing this dance and everyone else be damned. And if she feels like that, the couple can return her money if they don't want her to do this.

    2) Like you said, we don't know whether her contribution is specifically for entertainment. Again, if it is and she insists on this, the couple can return the money if they don't want to include this.

    Since the OP said that she doesn't want it and her FI agreed with her (even if he's uncomfortable about approaching his mother), they can take steps to shut it down. Just because she ignored them and is trying to get away with it doesn't mean they have to put up with it.
    You're absolutely right.   The couple CAN do all of this.

    All over a 5 minute dance.

    Only the OP and her FI can decide if this is the battle they want.    I guarantee you the battle will last longer than the dance.   It's up to them to decide if it's worth it.   As someone who has been married I'm telling you that for me, it's not a battle I'd pick at all. 
    How do you know the dance is 5 minutes? How do you know it isn't longer than that? Do we know that if the FMIL is given an inch, she won't take a mile?

    There's a lot we don't know. It might be one thing if the FMIL is planning a 5 minute dance, but if she is planning a whole Broadway show, then the FI needs to shut her down.

    And even if it's only 5 minutes, it's up to the couple to decide if it's a hill worth dying on. You might think it's not, but the OP obviously thinks it is.

    Not only that, we tell people here that speeches and toasts shouldn't be more than 2 minutes, and nobody should be allowed to demand spotlight attention for longer than that at a wedding reception.
  • Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Like I said, I think that the couple should do what they can to nip it in the bud.  Even if it is only 5 minutes. Yes, there are going to be bigger issues that they need to focus their attention on, so they don't need people bringing up the FMIL making an ass of herself all the time.

    If the FMIL really needs to make an ass of herself, then let her do that at her own event on her own time. Those five minutes don't need to happen at the couple's wedding.
    Who will be bringing this up all the time?  I think we've already established that most people who may witness something like this will roll their eyes and move on.    

    If the FMIL is helping to finance the event and it's not clear about where her money is going then there is no "letting".    She's got the ground as the hostess to do this as inappropriate as it probably is.   


    Even if she's contributing financially, she's not entitled to full control of the wedding reception. And there's no mention that she's contributing financially at all, in which case she's not entitled to any say.
    1) A five minute dance is not full-control of the wedding reception at all.   Most are 4-5 hours.   Five minutes is approximately 1.7% of the entire event.  

    2) The OP mentions in her first post that both sets of parents are contributing although does not clarify if funds are for clear expenses.  


    1) Her contribution doesn't give her the right to unilaterally decide that she's doing this dance and everyone else be damned. And if she feels like that, the couple can return her money if they don't want her to do this.

    2) Like you said, we don't know whether her contribution is specifically for entertainment. Again, if it is and she insists on this, the couple can return the money if they don't want to include this.

    Since the OP said that she doesn't want it and her FI agreed with her (even if he's uncomfortable about approaching his mother), they can take steps to shut it down. Just because she ignored them and is trying to get away with it doesn't mean they have to put up with it.
    You're absolutely right.   The couple CAN do all of this.

    All over a 5 minute dance.

    Only the OP and her FI can decide if this is the battle they want.    I guarantee you the battle will last longer than the dance.   It's up to them to decide if it's worth it.   As someone who has been married I'm telling you that for me, it's not a battle I'd pick at all. 
    How do you know the dance is 5 minutes? How do you know it isn't longer than that? Do we know that if the FMIL is given an inch, she won't take a mile?

    There's a lot we don't know. It might be one thing if the FMIL is planning a 5 minute dance, but if she is planning a whole Broadway show, then the FI needs to shut her down.

    And even if it's only 5 minutes, it's up to the couple to decide if it's a hill worth dying on. You might think it's not, but the OP obviously thinks it is.

    Not only that, we tell people here that speeches and toasts shouldn't be more than 2 minutes, and nobody should be allowed to demand spotlight attention for longer than that at a wedding reception.
    Really @Jen4948?  A Broadway show?  

    You're right I don't know the exact length of time.     I also previously advised that the OP and her FI could also advise as a compromise that the dance floor wouldn't be cleared and there wouldn't be a spotlight on just the moms which make this different from a speech or toast.   They'd have their fun dance without the announcement that the floor is reserved just for them. 

    My point is that the OP should pick and choose her battles.   We don't know that it's the hill the OP wants to die on.   I'm hoping that this advice is making her think about whether or not the battle is worth it.

    You yourself take a hard stance in a lot of advice and yet you've previously posted about how you cave and give in to what your father wants you to do because it's far easier to do that than create an argument with him about being right.    For the OP, this could be one of those times that she decides whether or not this is the same thing. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited September 5
    Maybe, but it's also not just about what makes the FMIL happy, it's also about the guests' comfort. Like I noted above, everyone objects to long periods of time where they are asked to focus their attention on a speech or performance.

    If the FMIL wants to spend a prolonged period of time of whatever length doing a choreographed dance that forces the guests off the floor into the restrooms or wherever, it might very well be fair to pick this battle.

    Or alternatively, it could be pointed out to her that she and her friends can do the dance, but they will not have exclusive use of the dance floor and it won't be announced by the DJ. I'm actually okay with that as a compromise if there's no way to get the FMIL to give up the idea and/or if the couple don't mind the song.

    But it can't be all about making the FMIL happy if it's at everyone else's expense. So this might well be a hill worth dying on. Your decision that you wouldn't is okay for you, but the OP said it isn't and she's entitled to think so and take steps to prevent the choreographed dance -- especially since she has insights into her FMIL that we don't.

    Yeah, I agree, everyone including me has an easier time giving advice about setting parental boundaries than actually doing it with their own parents, but if the OP and her FI had already agreed that this is a boundary that needs to be set, then the FI needs to enforce it instead of us telling her "What's 5 minutes gonna hurt?"
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    @short+sassy , you know I was just kidding about the Romy & Michele routine .... right?   ;)




    Anniversary
  • @short+sassy , you know I was just kidding about the Romy & Michele routine .... right?   ;)

    Totally understood!  As in joking the dance has to be completely nuts, or then it really isn't worth watching, lol.

    I was joking back, that's what I would be afraid of.  Because I could see someone doing an outrageously "out there" dance number...and be doing it in all seriousness, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
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    No way would I be subjecting the rest of my guests to sitting through this. 
    QFT.

    This is cringe-worthy, and if you and your groom are running away during it, you certainly shouldn't have your guests sit through it.

    IF you're going to allow this to happen: I had 3 friends actually do a choreographed dance to "Shake it Off." They did not have the DJ announce it or clear the dance floor or anything, and it was done while everyone else was already drinking and partying. About 1/3 of the guests were in on it (all of our friends), and they made a circle around them, but there was plenty of room for others to continue to dance if they didn't want to be a part of it. Since so many people were into it though, most of our family filled out the circle and had fun with it.

    We ONLY allowed it to happen because when I mentioned it to other guests, the unanimous response was an enthusiastic "I can't wait to see this," not "OMG that sounds awful."  The people involved have done improve and other theater, and fully committed without ego. It was unique to my circle, and I would not recommend it to anyone else.
    This is what I was thinking. Maybe she doesn't plan on making it a spotlight dance but dancing as a group while others are dancing. I don't think that is as bad. Agree it isn't a hill to die on. I have been to weddings where groups had a group dance (one they always do as a group) but others were out on the floor dancing at the same time. No announcing, no spotlight.
    charlotte989875short+sassyInLoveInQueenssparklepants41
  • My boss and her friends did an ABBA routine at a wedding few weeks ago. I listened politely, thought privately to myself that it was a horrible idea and how I felt bad for the bride and groom and then bean dipped.
    MesmrEwe
  • ILoveBeachMusic said:

    Maybe she doesn't plan on making it a spotlight dance but dancing as a group while others are dancing. I don't think that is as bad. Agree it isn't a hill to die on. I have been to weddings where groups had a group dance (one they always do as a group) but others were out on the floor dancing at the same time. No announcing, no spotlight.
    This would be a reasonable assumption to make if we weren't told anything else about this woman by the OP, but I just know that someone who secretly plans a choreographed dance with her friends in response to being exolicity told she can't do a choreographed spotlight dance with her son is expecting the world to stop spinning while everyone forms an awed circle around her to watch lol.

    JediElizabeth
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