Wedding Woes

DTMFA and get some grief counseling.

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé has a married female friend he plays video games with every day, and it’s causing problems for us. About six months ago my mom died; it’s been difficult, but my fiancé has been supportive. About two months after her death, I was using our shared computer and his chat history with his friend popped up automatically. I saw my name on it and got curious, so I read what they were saying at the moment. It wasn’t good. This woman was saying terrible things about me, questioning how I was grieving my mother, and attacking my family in general. She told my fiancé to get out of his relationship with me, that I wasn’t good for him.

Obviously he didn’t listen to her, and we’re still together, and I’ve been trying not to be any of those bad things she said about me. But I’m upset not just with her but also with my fiancé for not defending me. I finally talked to him about it, and he acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He was upset that I didn’t bring this up sooner, which I can understand, but he didn’t even remember what she said about me. All he said about his friendship with her was “We have a tumultuous relationship.” But I’ve never talked about him like that to any of my friends, nor would I ever. He didn’t apologize for failing to defend me, and then said we’re in a codependent relationship and that he only proposed to me because it was the thing that was expected of him. I’m torn. I love him, but I’m hurt. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can’t reconcile that with the other things he’s said. It’s like his friend can do no wrong, and I feel so alone. I just want to talk to my mom, but I can’t.

—Feeling Alone

Re: DTMFA and get some grief counseling.

  • Leave. Now. Red flags galore. 


    eileenrobOurWildKingdomOliveOilsMomMissKittyDanger
  • Leave. Now. Red flags galore. 


    This is the best red-flag waving gif I've seen so far.  :D


    It is!  Though now I want to know what Steve Harvey's red-flag waving was in reference to.  Just not enough to spend any time Googling it, lol.

    I was "with" potentially trying to repair the relationship...until I got to the part about him only proposing to her because it was "expected".

    If I were writing the script for a perfect response, I would have loved for her to have said with a stoic tone, "I see.  Obviously I was unaware of that."  As she slipped off her engagement ring, put it on the table, and walked out of the room.  But a lot easier said than done.  It's hard to be strong and logical, when your world has suddenly been ripped apart.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    kimmiinthemittenernursejOliveOilsMom
  • Best friend is right. They should break up.
  • This is sad in more ways than one.  LW can't bring her mom back, but she can get out of this relationship. 
    charlotte989875
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited September 7
    I know quite a few divorcees who are there because they took the next step instead of truly wanted it.

    However, this line makes me wonder if LW  Gamer Friend was right to raise concerns:

    and I’ve been trying not to be any of those bad things she said about me
    image
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I know quite a few divorcees who are there because they took the next step instead of truly wanted it.

    However, this line makes me wonder if LW  Gamer Friend was right to raise concerns:

    and I’ve been trying not to be any of those bad things she said about me
    I thought that, but I'm also wondering if it's just insecurity based on her FI's lack of defense. How many times have we seen gas lighting that causes an individual to question themselves? LW's FI doesn't exactly seem like a stellar guy. He didn't defend LW, pretended like the conversation never happened, and then turned it around to blame LW and say they were codependent. All of those are steps of an abuser. And I'd be willing to bet there's something more than just gaming going on between him and his "best friend." 


    image
    short+sassykimmiinthemittenOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • levioosa said:
    I know quite a few divorcees who are there because they took the next step instead of truly wanted it.

    However, this line makes me wonder if LW  Gamer Friend was right to raise concerns:

    and I’ve been trying not to be any of those bad things she said about me
    I thought that, but I'm also wondering if it's just insecurity based on her FI's lack of defense. How many times have we seen gas lighting that causes an individual to question themselves? LW's FI doesn't exactly seem like a stellar guy. He didn't defend LW, pretended like the conversation never happened, and then turned it around to blame LW and say they were codependent. All of those are steps of an abuser. And I'd be willing to bet there's something more than just gaming going on between him and his "best friend." 
    I see it as more of a best friend being more aware of what their friend wants/ needs. My old BFF was dating this girl that I knew wasn't right for him. I kept my opinions to myself most of the time because the relationship was so rocky it didn't really need any help but he did talk about marrying her at one point. Not because he wanted to get married (this would have been at least #3 for him) but because that's "the next step" or what she wanted. I actually didn't dislike the girl, they just weren't good together.

    i agree that LW's bf doesn't seem like a catch but maybe LW was being played and he was a different person around her than he was around everyone else. Regardless, Break Up.
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