Snarky Brides

Advice for potential drama with a bridesmaid?

wufpupwufpup
First Comment
member
edited September 12 in Snarky Brides
So here's the deal... my fiance and I are getting married in 34 days.

We've been gently prodding our guests who have been given +1s for names of their people so we can make the appropriate arrangements.  Amongst those people is one of the bridesmaids.

It was always understood that for the rehearsal brunch, said bridesmaid would be bringing her mother as her +1 (and mom has her own invite to the wedding/reception itself), but would be bringing someone else as her date for the reception -- all cool by us.

We just found out that the bridesmaid's +1 for the ceremony/reception would be someone that my fiance really does not like, and specifically told the bridesmaid that he was not being invited to the wedding.  I've never met the guy, but this person has been thrown out of house parties that my fiance has hosted for being abusive/disrespectful to other guests, and basically getting wasted and insisting on being the center of attention.

We've reached out to the maid of honor (fiance's younger sister, friends with said bridesmaid, and also knows and dislikes this potential +1) to try to find out what's going on, and why this person was invited (i.e. was this a way of getting back at my fiance for not calling/hanging out as much since we got together?)

On the plus side of things, if this guy does come to the wedding, we've got a number of friends who are experts at running interference, and we can always tell the bartenders to short pour the guy.

Ideally, I'd prefer not to have any drama on the wedding day itself: we've already paid for the programs to be printed, and I don't want any friendships ruined.

Any thoughts/advice?

Re: Advice for potential drama with a bridesmaid?

  • And also, I'm sure your RSVPs aren't due yet if you're 34 days out (at least they shouldn't be), so stop asking people for this information. These are things you can address AFTER your RSVPs roll in. 
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    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueenssparklepants41
  • wufpup said:
    So here's the deal... my fiance and I are getting married in 34 days.

    We've been gently prodding our guests who have been given +1s for names of their people so we can make the appropriate arrangements.  Amongst those people is one of the bridesmaids.

    It was always understood that for the rehearsal brunch, said bridesmaid would be bringing her mother as her +1 (and mom has her own invite to the wedding/reception itself), but would be bringing someone else as her date for the reception -- all cool by us.

    We just found out that the bridesmaid's +1 for the ceremony/reception would be someone that my fiance really does not like, and specifically told the bridesmaid that he was not being invited to the wedding.  I've never met the guy, but this person has been thrown out of house parties that my fiance has thrown for being abusive/disrespectful to other guests, and basically getting wasted and insisting on being the center of attention.

    We've reached out to the maid of honor (who is also friends with said bridesmaid, and who also knows and dislikes this potential +1) to try to find out what's going on, and why this person was invited (i.e. was this a way of getting back at my fiance for not calling/hanging out as much since we got together?)

    On the plus side of things, if this guy does come to the wedding, we've got a number of friends who are experts at running interference, and we can always tell the bartenders to short pour the guy.

    Ideally, I'd prefer not to have any drama on the wedding day itself: we've already paid for the programs to be printed, and I don't want any friendships ruined.

    Any thoughts/advice?
    Unless this guy has been physically abusive in the past, let this go and focus on the bolded.

    FWIW: Inviting someone to spite the hosts/guests on honor is one of the most spiteful and petty things I've ever heard of, and I hope no adult would do it. 
    wufpupcharlotte989875
  • The RSVPs were due last week -- both our venue and caterer wanted a month lead time for final headcounts -- we had to sent our invites out a bit early because we had a few handfuls of guests that would have to be flying in from Australia, UK, and Italy... so needed enough lead time for them since it would be a "destination wedding" -- and would have to make appropriate time off/travel plans.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    wufpup said:
    The RSVPs were due last week -- both our venue and caterer wanted a month lead time for final headcounts -- we had to sent our invites out a bit early because we had a few handfuls of guests that would have to be flying in from Australia, UK, and Italy... so needed enough lead time for them since it would be a "destination wedding" -- and would have to make appropriate time off/travel plans.
    You're asking for RVSPs way too early. You should have told the venue and caterer no - that's what I did. 

    Anyway, you've given her a plus one. That means she can bring whomever she likes. Unless this person has been physically violent, you don't have a reason to ban him from your wedding. 

    Honestly, just let it go. You probably won't even notice him at the wedding. If he does get drunk and disorderly, have someone escort him out. 

    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I think PPs have covered the +1 issue.

    However, spite-inviting someone to your wedding raises really big flags for me for your friendship with this person. Are you sure she isn't dating him? Or just enjoys his company? If you think you have a friend that would invite someone just to make you upset, you have a MAJOR friend issue.  I would call them up and check if everything was OK. Not in an accusatory way, (or even bringing him up) just a: 'Hi friend, I know I've been busy with wedding stuff, but I just wanted to check in with you and make sure everything was OK. Do you have time for a coffee so we can catch up a bit?'

    If you are getting to the point where people are spite-inviting others to your wedding you either need to a.) reevaluate your behaviour or b.) reevaluate your friendships. 

    That is one of the most petty things I have ever heard of. 
    JediElizabethInLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • Is your BM in a relationship with this guy? If she's inviting him to spite you & you FI, I'd re-evaluate that friendship. If not, the only reason you can exclude him is if there is a real risk he would get violent with other guests. Another option is to have security on-site. (Our venue required we hire an off-duty police officer). You can also alert venue staff or the bartender of this guest and any worries you have. 

    I also second the advice to talk directly to your friend, don't sneak around asking other people if they know who she plans to invite. 

    And yes, your RSVP date was way too early. If you have a lot of OOT guests, that's what STDs are for. They can make travel arrangements based on that, and you can put other pertinent information on a wedding website or in emails.
  • I second what everyone says pretty much. Just wanted to add - why don't you set up a coffee or dinner date with her sometime in the near future and just ask her about her life. Have a real normal conversation and listen to what she says. Don't make the conversation about the wedding at all. Don't outwordly ask her why she is bring this guy. Maybe she will tell you she is dating him. Maybe she will reveal the real reason why she is bringing him without you needing to ask. 

    I find it very strange anyone would bring a date like that just to piss you off. If she is really that vindictive - she shouldn't be in your wedding party.

    You'd be surprised how easy it is to fix a misunderstanding if you just sit down and communicate without judgment. I'm - dealing with some bride drama on my own and - I think if the bride would have just listened to me instead of judging me and being cold and distant we could have saved our friendship. Not sure if it can be saved anymore. But anyways - that dinner date may also reveal if the friendship is actually worth saving.
    short+sassyclimbingwifecharlotte989875justsie
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I don't understand how you think you're going to get accurate information without talking to your bridesmaid directly. "I saw you're planning to bring John - are you guys dating? FWB? Like his company?"

    Sure, if she's spite-inviting him, she may not tell you that directly, but what are the odds she's gonna tell someone who's close enough to be your MOH, if she'd be hiding it from you? Seems stupid, and much more likely to cause unnecessary drama by having things interpreted and misunderstood. Hearsay is not admissible in court for a reason.

    Or, as others have suggested, "How have you been doing lately? What's going on with you?" over coffee. If she's pissed at you, maybe that will come out. Maybe she'll see that you and your FI actually do care about her beyond wedding stuff. But addressing this as if it's actually a wedding issue and not a friend issue isn't going to get you anywhere.

    PP have good suggestions about whether you have to suck it up and deal with the guest, hinging on actual violence. You gave her a +1, which means she can in fact bring anyone unless you have a valid reason to think that person will cause physical harm to your guests.

    Anniversary

    InLoveInQueens
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    She's spite inviting someone, and you're running to your MOH to gossip about it instead of asking her? It sounds like drama is your number one goal here. 

    Just let it go. Put Sarah Jones and Guest on her escort card and leave it alone. You don't need to know his name to comply with your caterers' absurdly early numbers requirement. That's a whole other thing, but I'd be seriously questioning the abilities of a caterer that needs that much lead time with firm numbers. Is this person actually a professional? 
  • If you don't want drama don't make it by involving other people is this issue. 
    southernbelle0915InLoveInQueens
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