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engagement anniversary

Knottie1463668988Knottie1463668988 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Woes
My fiance and I have been engaged a year - we were supposed to get married next month but postponed the wedding in May for a number of reasons. I asked months ago if we would/should celebrate our engagement anniversary and he said he didnt see why we wouldn't/shouldn't. 
We have been dealing with the Hurricanes of the summer and because of this it prevented us from doing something together to 'celebrate' on our day. He still remembered our day and articulated a happy anniversary. But I had gotten him a gift well in advance. He claims we were going to do something but aside from grabbing dinner and a drink out I don't believe anything was planned. I feel disappointed and sad that he didn't even try to grab a card. I know that it probably sounds very immature and selfish. But we didn't do an anniversary on when we felt we first got together and I feel let down after postponing our wedding day. I made it a point to ask him if we should acknowledge it (I have never been in a position where someone wanted to acknowledge an anniversary with me so I already felt insecure him). When I told him how I felt, in the nicest way possible, he said I just made him feel horrible and the gift made him feel bad...even thought he is using it all the time. 
I don't know if I should feel sad or disappointed by this...or even angry...and I dont know what t do!
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Re: engagement anniversary

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think you're insecure because you are giving more to this relationship than he is. Listen to that feeling. 
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  • Knottie1463668988Knottie1463668988 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    charlotte989875 said:
    Knottie1463668988 said:
    My fiance and I have been engaged a year - we were supposed to get married next month but postponed the wedding in May for a number of reasons. I asked months ago if we would/should celebrate our engagement anniversary and he said he didnt see why we wouldn't/shouldn't. 
    We have been dealing with the Hurricanes of the summer and because of this it prevented us from doing something together to 'celebrate' on our day. He still remembered our day and articulated a happy anniversary. But I had gotten him a gift well in advance. He claims we were going to do something but aside from grabbing dinner and a drink out I don't believe anything was planned. I feel disappointed and sad that he didn't even try to grab a card. I know that it probably sounds very immature and selfish. But we didn't do an anniversary on when we felt we first got together and I feel let down after postponing our wedding day. I made it a point to ask him if we should acknowledge it (I have never been in a position where someone wanted to acknowledge an anniversary with me so I already felt insecure him). When I told him how I felt, in the nicest way possible, he said I just made him feel horrible and the gift made him feel bad...even thought he is using it all the time. 
    I don't know if I should feel sad or disappointed by this...or even angry...and I dont know what t do!
    From this and your other post it sounds like you both have a TON going on in your lives and it doesn't sound like he was doing anything wrong. It sounds like you asked if you should acknowledge it, there were no solid plans made, he said Happy Anniversary and you were going to go out to dinner? 

    People aproach anniversaries differently and it sounds like you had big expectations for this that either weren't communicated or you were hoping he'd know to do something big and special and he didn't. 

    Theres no right or wrong way to feel, you feel how you do. But I'm wondering if you think this feeling let down is really about the anniversary or if it's more about postponing your wedding? It sounds like these might be wrapped up in this issue and it might be beneficial to acknowledge that you're feeling down about not having a new date set, and not so much not having a big anniversary celebration. 
    Thank you, you are right. I have been trying really hard to push setting a new date or at the very least making the jump to start planning this version together. Working at just getting his focus and attention on it in addition to us both having other things going on in our lives. I think what bothers me more is that he doesn't seem bothered that we postponed things, that he doesn't seem bothered we don't have a date set, that he isn't bothered about waiting till the end of next year beginning of the following to get married, that he isn't bothered he didn't do anything on our anniversary. 
    We didn't have any plans set, by the time the date came we were dealing with the hurricane and evacuation. So I knew we wouldn't actually 'do' anything. He was just very comfortable with that. Before that we have been do focused on him. Dealing with his job, with leaving for a new job, the potential of leaving that one t go back int the service, dealing with his car. 
    I didn't want a big anniversary celebration but maybe an acknowledgment of it or an acknowledgement that he is happy still. I have asked him several times if he still wanted to get married and he says yes. 
    I know that things are not going to be easy or simple, but I don't know how hard things are supposed to be and how early on they are supposed to get hard. If it is this hard now does it stay this way or does it get harder? I dont expect you to have that answer just putting it out there. 
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  • Knottie1463668988Knottie1463668988 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    STARMOON44 said:
    I think you're insecure because you are giving more to this relationship than he is. Listen to that feeling. 
    thank you
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2017
    Here is a reality check for you:  My husband BEGGED me to marry him as soon as possible!!!  He couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends as his "fiancee".  He wanted me to plan the wedding in two months so we could get married ASAP.  We have been married 41 years.

    Are you living with him?  Move out now.
    About sex - glue your knees together.  Crazy Glue works.
    Do you have a ring?  Give it back to him, and tell him that when he has firm plans, you MIGHT just reconsider marrying him - maybe.
    Cry.  A lot.  This is normal, but don't let the SOB see you do it.  It will take some time for you to heal from how the SOB has USED you.
    A year from now, you should have someone else in your life that YOU have chosen, using better judgment.  Good luck!  Life can be beautiful!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Based on this and your other post, are you sure you want to marry him? I only say that because it sounds like he doesn't necessarily want to get married. Not celebrating an engagement anniversary is one thing (I don't even remember the date of ours), but on your other post you mention him not saving money or helping to plan your wedding. It also feels a little bit like you're hesitating, when you mention you don't want to go to the JOP (when that would be the quickest, cheapest option), so maybe you know deep down that something isn't right? I'm sorry you're going through this, and it's a really crappy situation. Maybe instead of planning a wedding, you two need to spend some time together and really evaluate your relationship, and what you each expect from a partner.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    holyguacamole79 said:
    Knottie1463668988 said:
    I made it a point to ask him if we should acknowledge it (I have never been in a position where someone wanted to acknowledge an anniversary with me so I already felt insecure him). When I told him how I felt, in the nicest way possible, he said I just made him feel horrible and the gift made him feel bad...even thought he is using it all the time. 
    This may be a matter of nit-picky semantics, but when you say "acknowledge", I think of simply wishing someone a happy anniversary (or whatever).  It may sound unromantic, but this eliminates hurt feelings ....

    Have an honest conversation about how you're going to celebrate certain events.  Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.  Decide if you're going to buy gifts, and if so what $$ amount.  DH and I, for example, don't exchange gifts for our anniversary or Valentine's Day.  We do a nice dinner and don't have expectations.  Sometimes for our anniversary we'll do a simple weekend getaway and that's our "present" to each other.  

    This way, you both know what to expect.
    ^^ a very good point.
    For my 2nd wedding anniversary we went to a neat ice cream place I had found. I am definitely the more romantic in the relationship, but certain things I am definitely content with low key things.
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    STUCK:

    Definitely be open and honest about how you wish to celebrate things like anniversaries and which anniversaries you wish to celebrate (dating, engagement, etc). It could be as simple as he isn't into celebrating those types of things but you are. Just because he isn't doesn't mean you don't get to - let him know that it is important to you and why it is important. Set expectations for the types of celebrations because your visions may not line up for what constitutes celebrating. 

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:

    I disagree with some of the opinions.  People have different emotions and feelings about things like anniversaries and weddings.

    My H and I never celebrated any kind of anniversary before we got married.  Even the anniversary of our wedding each year is really low key.  We go out to dinner...maybe not even on that night...and exchange cards.  This year, we had a lot going on and we BOTH forgot it!  Anniversaries just aren't a big deal for us.  We've never exchanged gifts.

    It's fine that it is important for you, I'm not saying that.  But I wanted to point out that, to your FI, he might have figured saying, "Happy Anniversary" and then the two of you going out for dinner and drinks was exactly what you were looking for.  He DID acknowledge the anniversary.  It just wasn't acknowledged as fully as what you were expecting.  That isn't his fault.  It's that the two of you had different expectations.

    I read your other post also and am going to respond to some of it here.  It's very possible he isn't as concerned about the postponement as you are.  Not because he doesn't want to marry you or doesn't love you, but I could more see him having an attitude of, "It will happen someday, there is no rush with all the other crap going on."

    This is a decision the two of you need to make together but, at least from your two posts, it sounds like getting married sooner is more important than having some big shindig at a much later date.

    It seems like a lot of your angst is disappointment at the postponement.  There are so many ways you all can have a beautiful occasion, especially with a small guest list, for less than $1,000.  Probably less than $500.

    • Get married in a park or someone's backyard and BBQ up some yummy food.
    • Have a friend get licensed to perform the ceremony
    • Wear your favorite, pretty dress that you feel beautiful in, instead of buying a wedding dress.  If you do want a wedding dress, look for a used one or a David's Bridal $99 sale.
    • Someone mentioned this on the other post, but get married at city hall with your family/friends present and then take everyone out to lunch.
    • Buy a $20-$30 sheet cake at a grocery store.  They'll still make it pretty and wedding themed for you.

    And, really, right now the focus should be on him finding employment and another car.  If he even really needs one.  Maybe he can get by on the bus for now.

    I agree with all of this, IF HE REALLY WANTS TO MARRY YOU.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    holyguacamole79 said:
    Knottie1463668988 said:
    I made it a point to ask him if we should acknowledge it (I have never been in a position where someone wanted to acknowledge an anniversary with me so I already felt insecure him). When I told him how I felt, in the nicest way possible, he said I just made him feel horrible and the gift made him feel bad...even thought he is using it all the time. 
    This may be a matter of nit-picky semantics, but when you say "acknowledge", I think of simply wishing someone a happy anniversary (or whatever).  It may sound unromantic, but this eliminates hurt feelings ....

    Have an honest conversation about how you're going to celebrate certain events.  Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.  Decide if you're going to buy gifts, and if so what $$ amount.  DH and I, for example, don't exchange gifts for our anniversary or Valentine's Day.  We do a nice dinner and don't have expectations.  Sometimes for our anniversary we'll do a simple weekend getaway and that's our "present" to each other.  

    This way, you both know what to expect.

    Yep. When I hear "acknowledge," I think of saying "Happy Anniversary." You both recognize that it exists and is that day. Possibly via a card. No more would be required of me if I heard someone ask for acknowledgment of an anniversary (whether it was of a joyful event, someone's death, etc.)

    "Celebrate" for me would involve doing something - maybe going out to dinner like you had planned, maybe ice cream, but gifts or a big to-do would not necessarily be implied for me. That's why clear communication of what you want to do is necessary.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't think I've read your other post(s), so perhaps I am missing some back story here... (on that point, change your username to something more recognizable so everyone can get to know you! The Knottie#s all blur together for me).

    But from this post alone, I don't see any red flags. It sounds like your FI did acknowledge your anniversary, it just wasn't the way you hoped. You also say that he says he feels horrible that you got him a gift but he didn't get you anything- that doesn't seem to me like he's just shrugging the whole thing off. Sounds to me like you each had different expectations and did not communicate those clearly.

    Same with your wedding plans- perhaps a lack of communication about priorities and wants. Just because he is OK with waiting is not a huge deal, however, this is a decision that needs to be made between the two of you, and your feelings should be taken into account as well.

    I think some couples counseling before making any future plans would be a good idea.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Between this post and the other post, you're coming off as quite immature - i'd guess you were 19 or 20. 

    There is nothing wrong with feeling feelings, but the failure to communicate is a recurring theme in both posts. You need to learn to articulate your feelings to your FI and he needs to be able to do the same with you. You need to come to a mutual understanding of what constitutes a milestone worth celebrating, and how you would celebrate. We got married about 11 months after we got engaged, so your situation wasn't applicable to us - but we never made a big to-do about any of our dating milestones, and have never celebrated our engagement anniversary. I honestly doubt he remembers what day he proposed. (ETA: he doesn't. i just asked him. he was off by 2 days. we've still managed to be married for nearly 11 years.)


    Just remember that you can't control someone else's actions or reactions, just your own. You can choose to be butthurt and pout because he didn't go all out, or you could use this as a teaching moment and have a genuine conversation with him to share your feelings, and set expectations for the future. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    short+sassy said:
    *Barbie* said:
    Between this post and the other post, you're coming off as quite immature - i'd guess you were 19 or 20. 

    There is nothing wrong with feeling feelings, but the failure to communicate is a recurring theme in both posts. You need to learn to articulate your feelings to your FI and he needs to be able to do the same with you. You need to come to a mutual understanding of what constitutes a milestone worth celebrating, and how you would celebrate. We got married about 11 months after we got engaged, so your situation wasn't applicable to us - but we never made a big to-do about any of our dating milestones, and have never celebrated our engagement anniversary. I honestly doubt he remembers what day he proposed. (ETA: he doesn't. i just asked him. he was off by 2 days. we've still managed to be married for nearly 11 years.)


    Just remember that you can't control someone else's actions or reactions, just your own. You can choose to be butthurt and pout because he didn't go all out, or you could use this as a teaching moment and have a genuine conversation with him to share your feelings, and set expectations for the future. 

    The only reason my H and I remember our engagement date is because he proposed on my birthday.

    Which reminds me of something a stand-up comedienne said, when I saw her act years ago:

    (On engagements)..."And NOT on my birthday.  Because that's a SEPARATE gift!"  LMAO.

    I don't remember what day DH proposed.  It was sometime in June...like, mid-June, but the exact date?  No idea.

    There was no FB with timehop back then.  ;) 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    short+sassy said:
    *Barbie* said:
    Between this post and the other post, you're coming off as quite immature - i'd guess you were 19 or 20. 

    There is nothing wrong with feeling feelings, but the failure to communicate is a recurring theme in both posts. You need to learn to articulate your feelings to your FI and he needs to be able to do the same with you. You need to come to a mutual understanding of what constitutes a milestone worth celebrating, and how you would celebrate. We got married about 11 months after we got engaged, so your situation wasn't applicable to us - but we never made a big to-do about any of our dating milestones, and have never celebrated our engagement anniversary. I honestly doubt he remembers what day he proposed. (ETA: he doesn't. i just asked him. he was off by 2 days. we've still managed to be married for nearly 11 years.)


    Just remember that you can't control someone else's actions or reactions, just your own. You can choose to be butthurt and pout because he didn't go all out, or you could use this as a teaching moment and have a genuine conversation with him to share your feelings, and set expectations for the future. 

    The only reason my H and I remember our engagement date is because he proposed on my birthday.

    Which reminds me of something a stand-up comedienne said, when I saw her act years ago:

    (On engagements)..."And NOT on my birthday.  Because that's a SEPARATE gift!"  LMAO.

    haha - yeah, if we did the engagement anniversary too, the fall would be insane. 
    DK's b-day: 9/25
    Anniversary: 10/14
    Wolverine's b-day: 11/4
    Engage-iversary: 11/22
    Thanksgiving
    Christmas

    I have a hard enough time coming up with 2 gifts in a 3 week span, not to mention Christmas a few months later. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The only reason I remember the date my H proposed was because it happened to fall on my best friend's birthday. We never celebrated the anniversary of it, or really our dating anniversary. I don't really see the point. We also were married on my birthday. I don't expect multiple gifts. I do like cards, and I've told him that specifically. You need to learn how to communicate with your partner. To me, an acknowledgement of the day would be just that - "happy engagement anniversary". I wouldn't assume cards, flowers, dinner, etc. 

    Again, you need to be vocal about your expectations. But honestly, I think it's a little silly to expect a big deal made out of the date he proposed. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think you need to be clear to your FI regarding what you expect.  

    "acknowledging" can mean saying "Happy Anniversary" and nothing more.   However if acknowledging to you is a gift or special dinner, you need to be clear.  

    I'm not going to lump all guys into a bucket but I know for my own DH, if I want something and it's super important to me I have to be crystal clear, "I want you to arrange for a sitter for this event and I want you to take me out to do this fun thing."   FWIW, I am already making a list of things that would make good Christmas gifts.   Because he will say, "What do you want for Christmas?"  And I can't just say, "Oh I'd like a new watch," when I want a specific watch.  

    I can't tell you how your relationship is going but I think you both need to work on how you communicate. 
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