Wedding 911

Move up ceremony for sick grandma?

My fiancé's grandma hasn't been doing well for a while but she's been trying to make it to the wedding. Last week she took a turn and only has days left.

I've been by my fiancé's side only worrying about him and her not even thinking about anything wedding related.

She (in her medicated/delirious state) has been asking about the wedding and what she should wear and such. It's very sad knowing she won't be at the wedding (8 months away) but my fiancé is devastated knowing she won't be there.

One of my close co-workers suggested us having a ceremony for her in her hospital room. The idea briefly crossed my mind but I really don't want to have a special ceremony just for her. Having a "fake ceremony" for her seems wrong and having a "redo" ceremony for my guests seems wrong.

Am I a bitch for not wanting to move up my wedding day for her?

 

Re: Move up ceremony for sick grandma?

  • Nope. Totally fine to not do this. 
    augustgirl21
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Is it possible that you can live-stream the ceremony on video so Grandma can see it that way as it's going on?
  • Jen4948 said:
    Is it possible that you can live-stream the ceremony on video so Grandma can see it that way as it's going on?
    OP says the wedding isn't for another 8 months.
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  • @jen4948 yes this would be ideal (well ideal would be healthy happy Grandma at the wedding but this is not going to happen) but as @cmgragain pointed out wedding is 8 months out and she sadly has days left. 

     

  • I agree with the other PPs.  Doing a "fake" ceremony for her feels uncomfortable for a reason.  It's like it's infantilizing her.  And you definitely don't want a "redo" for your guests.

    You and your FI already have a date set and are planning a joyful day filled with your friends and family.  Weddings should be happy occasions.  I'm sure if your FI's grandma has lucid moments also, she would never want you all to change your plans either.

    With that said, and if someone disagrees I hope they chime in, I also don't see anything wrong with answering her questions about the wedding.  Using your example, if she asks what she should wear, you all could answer something like, "I think you'd look beautiful in that lavender dress you wore to X occasion."

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    SP29charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusicOliveOilsMom
  • No, OP, you are not a bitch. First of all, having a fake ceremony for either FI's grandma or your other guests would be very disrespectful. Second of all, if I may be quite honest, I don't think it's fair that all your other guests should miss out on witnessing your real wedding so Grandma could see you get married before she passed away...nor is it fair to you to have to give up sharing that moment with all your other family and friends. I suspect that Grandma would not want you guys doing that for her sake, if she was aware enough to answer that question.

    The sad reality is that very often, grandparents aren't at the wedding because they are either deceased or too ill to attend. I understand that this is hard for your FI, but it would be better for him to grieve for his grandma when she does pass away and to give himself time to come to terms with the loss and her not being there for the wedding. Fake ceremonies, plan changes, or re-dos are not the answer.





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    SP29short+sassyredoryx
  • Yes, I'm answering her questions about the wedding. She keeps saying she wants to match the bridesmaids and wear the navy/marine color they are wearing. I keep telling her that's fine. "Navy looks really pretty on you."
    I've showed her pictures of me in my dress from when I tried it on when she's asked. She really wants to buy us something for the wedding so with my FMIL help we put a small list together for her to choose from.


    My fiancé is just so saddened by her not being there and thinks her asking questions makes it worse. (I agree it's very sad and does hurt a little more her asking questions but I'm not going to not answer)

    I keep telling my fiancé "she'll be there in spirit and she'll have the best seat in the house" 

    any other advice for how to console my fiancé?? I know I can't "fix" it but it hurts me so much to see him hurting this badly.

    (so much that I considered moving the wedding day aka reason for this post!)

     

  • @cmgragain he's religious-ish if that makes sense. I'm more religious than he is and I don't want to say therefore I have a easier time dealing with things like this but kind of. I don't know where else to turn except to God. When I'm going thought a loss or really anything I'll go into the adoration chapel at church and sit for however long I need. Usually I bring my "Jesus journal" with me and I'll write in it. Pray. Sitting in that silent room that has been the same since I can remember has been such a comfort to me with any changes in my life.  

    We prayed together last night which I think was really good. I've thought about bringing him to adoration with me but not sure if he'd like it. I'm the sit and cry type. He's the break out the punching bag type.

     

  • I think you're doing the right thing. This is an incredibly hard time but not having the ceremony you want isn't going to stop this from feeling terrible. If your FI doesn't want to talk about the wedding maybe suggest that he ask her questions about her life; ask about her wedding, her life, where she was during historical moments; things like that. Have him just spend time with her as much as he can. 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomSP29
  • @cmgragain he's religious-ish if that makes sense. I'm more religious than he is and I don't want to say therefore I have a easier time dealing with things like this but kind of. I don't know where else to turn except to God. When I'm going thought a loss or really anything I'll go into the adoration chapel at church and sit for however long I need. Usually I bring my "Jesus journal" with me and I'll write in it. Pray. Sitting in that silent room that has been the same since I can remember has been such a comfort to me with any changes in my life.  

    We prayed together last night which I think was really good. I've thought about bringing him to adoration with me but not sure if he'd like it. I'm the sit and cry type. He's the break out the punching bag type.

    It sounds like you are on the right track.  Sorry that you are both dealing with this right now.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    I'm sorry that this is happening. But I agree with the PPs who don't advocate holding a fake ceremony for your FI's grandma.

    I can understand that it will be hard for him to get married without her there. My cousin is about to get married, and his mother died a couple of years ago. It was incredibly sad.

    There are appropriate, subtle ways to remember her at your wedding, such as saying appropriate prayers if the ceremony is religious, carrying or wearing something associated with her, having food, drinks, decorations or entertainment she would have enjoyed, and giving her a tribute in a wedding program.
    short+sassy
  • So my grandmother passed away a month-ish before one of my cousins got married. We knew she wasn't doing well, so it wasn't a surprise. My cousin did kind of what @MobKaz suggested; talked to her about the wedding & included some subtle details as a nod to granny. They also had one of those tables (I think with the guest book? It's been a lot of years) with photos of family who had passed and weren't able to attend, which was sweet. 

    I think you're doing the right thing, and not being cruel at all. His grandmother is probably aware of her situation and if she's cognizant at all would realize you guys are moving things up for her, which may end up making her just feel bad. I'm sorry you guys are going through this right before your wedding, but it sounds like you're trying to do the right thing and keeping your FI's feelings in mind.  
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
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    edited September 21
    I think the worst thing you can do is take away GM's hope of attending the wedding.  If she asks what to wear, you plan it with her!  It's not your call to make for whether she'll be at the wedding in person or in spirit, but it is whether you keep her hope alive by talking about the details important to her with her.  

    Agreed, don't do a PPD in any degree.  An idea if you're really wanting to do something is throw yourselves an engagement party at the Nursing home for the residents.  This is one of those times the "NEVER throw it for yourself" can go out the window if you do something with all the residents at the nursing home with NO GIFTS, decorate the meal room up and bring cake and sparkling something or another for all the residents in her wing.  It is something that would bring up the entire wing so that's why I'd give it the "F*** etiquette".  Having spent a lot of time in nursing homes, they're always looking for activities that are engaging and the things you'll learn from those who were married 50+ years are amazing!  Wear your RD outfit.  Remember in each resident who was married is a young bride inside lost by time.  Usually they'll have an activities person you can line this up through and it brings people up on all levels and lets GM be involved in an activity to mark the event.
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    short+sassySP29
  • Thanks for all the advice and thoughts/prayers. I haven't been able to go see her the past few days and my fiancé doesn't like to talk about it. I texted my FMIL today and she said grandma is very out of it. Today is her 84th birthday and they sang happy birthday to her but they don't think she was aware. She doesn't think she will make it to the weekend :-( thanks again for the advice 

     

    MesmrEwe
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    Thanks for all the advice and thoughts/prayers. I haven't been able to go see her the past few days and my fiancé doesn't like to talk about it. I texted my FMIL today and she said grandma is very out of it. Today is her 84th birthday and they sang happy birthday to her but they don't think she was aware. She doesn't think she will make it to the weekend :-( thanks again for the advice 
    I'm so sorry.  Everyone handles loss and grief in different ways, and it needs to be respected.  It may be particularly hard if your FI has not had a lot of experience with personal loss.  (My SIL, for example, at the age of 31, has never attended a funeral.)  Just make sure he knows you are there for him and his family. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Thanks for all the advice and thoughts/prayers. I haven't been able to go see her the past few days and my fiancé doesn't like to talk about it. I texted my FMIL today and she said grandma is very out of it. Today is her 84th birthday and they sang happy birthday to her but they don't think she was aware. She doesn't think she will make it to the weekend :-( thanks again for the advice 
    I'm very sorry.
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