Etiquette

I HATE a groomsman's girlfriend

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Answers

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    We have to have our phones on, because that is how we receive our pages; we live in a rural area, and this is the best that they can accomplish. He doesn't answer the phone on calls, but does once we're done with them. I've had a discussion with him about his behavior. Unfortunately, it was also during the same discussion that turned into a fight. He's gotten a lot better about it since then though. And even though he has asked her not to text or call him while he is on shift, she does it anyway. I want to get along with her so badly, but I just can't anymore.
    He needs to go full no contact with her during shifts, or he needs to get a 2nd phone used only for EMT shifts so he can just turn his personal phone off completely.

    He also needs to accept that his GF will throw a hissy when he doesn't respond, and then stop responding and stop giving any fucks when she throws the hissy.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OliveOilsMomlevioosaInLoveInQueens
  • I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

    Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.
  • How do I delete a question? I can't find a concrete answer, and I don't feel like I need any more advice on this question.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    How do I delete a question? I can't find a concrete answer, and I don't feel like I need any more advice on this question.
    You can't.   Just ignore the post if you want.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    MairePoppyInLoveInQueens
  • How do I delete a question? I can't find a concrete answer, and I don't feel like I need any more advice on this question.
    The concrete answer is: you invite the girlfriend, by name. 

    The rest, suck it up.
    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • She does sound like a piece of work but I am glad you now understand that, yes you have to invite her.

    And yes it'd be distasteful to ask for an apology (for being an insecure annoying teenager?) in exchange for the invitation.

    And yes it'd be acceptable for you to ask anyone who causes trouble at your event to leave, but it'd be much better to have venue staff or security hired to do so. You don't want to have to spend the night monitoring everyone's behaviour and inserting yourself into a ruckus, should one arise. Leave it to the pros and carry on enjoying yourself.

    MairePoppySP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited September 20
    She does sound like a piece of work but I am glad you now understand that, yes you have to invite her.

    And yes it'd be distasteful to ask for an apology (for being an insecure annoying teenager?) in exchange for the invitation.

    And yes it'd be acceptable for you to ask anyone who causes trouble at your event to leave, but it'd be much better to have venue staff or security hired to do so. You don't want to have to spend the night monitoring everyone's behaviour and inserting yourself into a ruckus, should one arise. Leave it to the pros and carry on enjoying yourself.
    OP, asking for a sincere apology in exchange for a wedding invitation will not get you a sincere apology. You'll either get a half-assed apology such as "I'm sorry you're so oversensitive about my relationship with partner," accompanied by eye rolls, or worse. I've raised three teenagers so I know you're fighting a losing battle on that one. Just be polite to her. 

    On the second point, what exactly do you think the GF is going to do at your wedding? If she acts up, she will look bad. If you engage her, you will look bad, too. I pause to remember those old Bridezilla shows where the brides get into fisticuffs with their guests. That's not your style, right? If she needs to be removed from your wedding, let the people you have hired ask her to leave. Please keep in mind that means your friend/partner will also have to leave. Decide wisely because this will impact your relationship with him.
                
    ahoywedding
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

    Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.
    I asked the boss question, and my post was not a all nasty. 

    Honestly, I don't know what to do about the calls. It is extremely hard, I'd say impossible, for supervisors to be good friends with their subordinates. Because often, something like this happens where the supervisor needs to reprimand their friend the subordinate. It sounds to me if he's on his phone too much, he needs to be no longer called, essentially fired, or at least told if it continues, he will no longer be asked to volunteer, and that will probably ruin the friendship. 

    charlotte989875ahoywedding
  • I didn't mean you in the nasty comments part. That was for the other people who are only arguing with me.
  • I didn't mean you in the nasty comments part. That was for the other people who are only arguing with me.
    People are arguing with you because you seem so determined to go against etiquette. Unless this woman has literally assaulted you or your fiancé, you have to invite her by name on the groomsman's invitation. I'm wondering how old you are, that you are being this petty about one person you only have to talk to long enough to say "thank you for coming," and can otherwise ignore.
    image
    InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • MandyMost said:
    I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

    Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.
    You still seem so focused on HER and not on HIM. He chooses to be with her. This is 100% a problem with your male friend/coworker and has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend. 

    It's his behavior that's bothering you. He's checking his phone constantly. He's talking on the phone constantly. He could choose otherwise--blocking her on the phone when he's at work, breaking up with her, etc. But he's not. He chose her, he chose his actions, he's responsible for his actions. 
    Seriously, OP. Stop blaming the girlfriend for your colleague's shitty behavior while you're working together. 
    image
    InLoveInQueensjustsieahoyweddingPrettyGirlLost
  • I didn't mean you in the nasty comments part. That was for the other people who are only arguing with me.
    People are not arguing, they disagree because you are wrong. You really need to learn the difference. This may be why you have difficulty with your employee.
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • And you don't have to like her, or get along with her. You just have to be polite and civil.

    Your friend has chosen her. As long as you are friends with him, she's going to be around.

    I assure you, you will hardly notice her at your wedding.
    short+sassy
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    MandyMost said:
    I am actually his superior yes. I have talked to him about it, but he gets upset. If I see him constantly on his phone, or getting numerous calls, I usually ask him if everything is alright. I try not to always assume that she is the reason; he's had a lot of family health issues lately with his parents and an uncle. He's been volunteering longer than she's been with him, and he doesn't volunteer more than a total of 24 hours a month; 3 8-hour shifts. He works part time, and is in EMT school. So I understand that she may not get a lot of time with him, but she chose to be with him. I'm upset with both of them.

    Regardless, I already said that I'm going to invite her, so no need for all of the nasty replies.
    You still seem so focused on HER and not on HIM. He chooses to be with her. This is 100% a problem with your male friend/coworker and has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend. 

    It's his behavior that's bothering you. He's checking his phone constantly. He's talking on the phone constantly. He could choose otherwise--blocking her on the phone when he's at work, breaking up with her, etc. But he's not. He chose her, he chose his actions, he's responsible for his actions. 
    Everything @mandymost said is true. Does the girlfriend have his mother locked in a basement and will kill her if he doesn't answer his phone at every ring? No? Then the girlfriend is not making him do anything. He does it of his own volition. 

    So here's a personal anecdote. I invited someone I greatly disliked to my wedding. They lived near the venue and were longtime family friends and probably would be insulted if they weren't invited. I knew the right thing to do was invite them, and my mom said I should (and they paid for most of the wedding) and it wasn't a hill to die on. I saw them for exactly one minute at the wedding. I shook hands with the guy, hugged his wife, smiled politely and then they moved on through the receiving line.

    I now have THE BEST photo of me that the photog snapped of her talking to my mom and me with the fakest polite look ever on my face. It's pretty funny to look at now. I survived. She did not ruin the wedding. She's actually dead now (she was 83 at the wedding) and I will never see her again. 

    charlotte989875short+sassyahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
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