Etiquette

Gifts shipped not brought??

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Re: Gifts shipped not brought??

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Oh good, now people are overexaggerating to create straw men. FFS. It's not funny or clever. It's what defensive brides do on here to mischaracterize what's being said so criticism sounds ridiculous.

    Again, I'm not particularly concerned that it's the couple who are going to be merely annoyed, or go all the way to have their night JUST RUINED. I agree that that would be their personal problem. No one really seems to care about engaging that point, though, which tells me that the argument is "well family or friends will just put up with that, because they love them."

    Maybe it is ultimately the couple's responsibility to ensure they personally can transport and store whatever gifts are brought to the reception, so the rudeness falls back to them if they have to voluntell someone to help when no help is offered (I understand that family and friends are often willing to offer, as they are with showers and other things that aren't their responsibility until they offer).

    I just don't get why anyone would insist on bringing more than a card to the reception. Personally, I try to make sure that if I'm giving a gift at Christmas, it's not something unwieldy if the person has traveled from out of state. I'm not giving a play kitchen to the nieces with an 8 hour drive and 5 suitcases. I don't ever get why people give gifts without their primary motivation being for the gift-recipient. If there's ever a possibility that I would give a gift and the recipient could well say, "oh, great, now what do I do with this," then yes, I think it would be better not to give the gift at all. Otherwise why are you doing it? Go ahead and spend that money on yourself.

    Anniversary

    lizybeffMyNameIsNotMandyMost
  • edited September 29
    Oh good, now people are overexaggerating to create straw men. FFS. It's not funny or clever. It's what defensive brides do on here to mischaracterize what's being said so criticism sounds ridiculous.

    Again, I'm not particularly concerned that it's the couple who are going to be merely annoyed, or go all the way to have their night JUST RUINED. I agree that that would be their personal problem. No one really seems to care about engaging that point, though, which tells me that the argument is "well family or friends will just put up with that, because they love them."

    Maybe it is ultimately the couple's responsibility to ensure they personally can transport and store whatever gifts are brought to the reception, so the rudeness falls back to them if they have to voluntell someone to help when no help is offered (I understand that family and friends are often willing to offer, as they are with showers and other things that aren't their responsibility until they offer).

    So this is what I get stuck on; why is it rude to have someone transport a gift from at event where gifts (of some kind) are typically given if not expected? If I had a birthday party at a restaurant and someone brought a gift would it be rude because I had to transport it? 

    I do think it's rude to tell other people they have to deal with the gifts, but that's the B&G being rude not the gift giver. 

    ETF typ.
    nightnerdahoywedding
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Oh good, now people are overexaggerating to create straw men. FFS. It's not funny or clever. It's what defensive brides do on here to mischaracterize what's being said so criticism sounds ridiculous.

    Again, I'm not particularly concerned that it's the couple who are going to be merely annoyed, or go all the way to have their night JUST RUINED. I agree that that would be their personal problem. No one really seems to care about engaging that point, though, which tells me that the argument is "well family or friends will just put up with that, because they love them."

    Maybe it is ultimately the couple's responsibility to ensure they personally can transport and store whatever gifts are brought to the reception, so the rudeness falls back to them if they have to voluntell someone to help when no help is offered (I understand that family and friends are often willing to offer, as they are with showers and other things that aren't their responsibility until they offer).

    So this is what I get stuck on; why is it rude to have someone transport a gift from at event where gifts (of some kind) are typically given if not expected? If I had a birthday party at a restaurant and someone brought a gift would it be rude because I had to transport it? 

    I do think it's rude to tell other people they have to deal with the gifts, but that's the B&G being rude. Or the gift giver. 
    No, it wouldn't be rude. I'm not in the camp that this is rude. However, I would hope said person would think about whether it made sense for me to transport it from the restaurant. I would, in the position of the gift giver.

    Anniversary

    charlotte989875
  • Oh good, now people are overexaggerating to create straw men. FFS. It's not funny or clever. It's what defensive brides do on here to mischaracterize what's being said so criticism sounds ridiculous.

    Again, I'm not particularly concerned that it's the couple who are going to be merely annoyed, or go all the way to have their night JUST RUINED. I agree that that would be their personal problem. No one really seems to care about engaging that point, though, which tells me that the argument is "well family or friends will just put up with that, because they love them."

    Maybe it is ultimately the couple's responsibility to ensure they personally can transport and store whatever gifts are brought to the reception, so the rudeness falls back to them if they have to voluntell someone to help when no help is offered (I understand that family and friends are often willing to offer, as they are with showers and other things that aren't their responsibility until they offer).

    So this is what I get stuck on; why is it rude to have someone transport a gift from at event where gifts (of some kind) are typically given if not expected? If I had a birthday party at a restaurant and someone brought a gift would it be rude because I had to transport it? 

    I do think it's rude to tell other people they have to deal with the gifts, but that's the B&G being rude. Or the gift giver. 
    No, it wouldn't be rude. I'm not in the camp that this is rude. However, I would hope said person would think about whether it made sense for me to transport it from the restaurant. I would, in the position of the gift giver.
    Ditto @flantastic.   And some of this can also depend on the situation.   How big is the gift?   Where is the dinner? 

    If I was going out to dinner for my mom's birthday and we were driving in separate cars I wouldn't be concerned about giving her the gift.

    If I was going to meet for a friend's party in NYC I'd probably think twice before bringing a gift knowing that most people are not driving themselves and instead are using other methods of transportation.   


  • banana468 said:
    Oh good, now people are overexaggerating to create straw men. FFS. It's not funny or clever. It's what defensive brides do on here to mischaracterize what's being said so criticism sounds ridiculous.

    Again, I'm not particularly concerned that it's the couple who are going to be merely annoyed, or go all the way to have their night JUST RUINED. I agree that that would be their personal problem. No one really seems to care about engaging that point, though, which tells me that the argument is "well family or friends will just put up with that, because they love them."

    Maybe it is ultimately the couple's responsibility to ensure they personally can transport and store whatever gifts are brought to the reception, so the rudeness falls back to them if they have to voluntell someone to help when no help is offered (I understand that family and friends are often willing to offer, as they are with showers and other things that aren't their responsibility until they offer).

    So this is what I get stuck on; why is it rude to have someone transport a gift from at event where gifts (of some kind) are typically given if not expected? If I had a birthday party at a restaurant and someone brought a gift would it be rude because I had to transport it? 

    I do think it's rude to tell other people they have to deal with the gifts, but that's the B&G being rude. Or the gift giver. 
    No, it wouldn't be rude. I'm not in the camp that this is rude. However, I would hope said person would think about whether it made sense for me to transport it from the restaurant. I would, in the position of the gift giver.
    Ditto @flantastic.   And some of this can also depend on the situation.   How big is the gift?   Where is the dinner? 

    If I was going out to dinner for my mom's birthday and we were driving in separate cars I wouldn't be concerned about giving her the gift.

    If I was going to meet for a friend's party in NYC I'd probably think twice before bringing a gift knowing that most people are not driving themselves and instead are using other methods of transportation.   


    I actually went out to dinner with a group of friends a few months ago, it happened to be a few days before my birthday but we weren't gathering for my birthday, it'd just been a while since we'd seen each other.  Three friends, however, gave me bottles of wine as gifts.  It was very generous and thoughtful...and a PITA keeping 3 bottles under my chair at dinner, carrying them to the subway and of course holding them on the train ride home since I didn't get a seat.
    KahluaKoala
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    Jen4948 said:
    Would anyone like a margarita?

    LOL yes please... in a little over three months. Pregnancy, man.
    Congrats!
                
    flantasticshort+sassyJen4948
  • rigs32rigs32
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    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  
    MandyMostSP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    rigs32 said:
    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  
    So what became of the clock?

    That is the kind of gift that we refer to as a Giant Metal Chicken. Either your friends have horrible judgement  or they were being passive aggressive.


                
    southernbelle0915TrixieJessmollybarker11
  • rigs32 said:
    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  


    Eeek!  I don't blame you.

    I also got married OOT from where I lived, in my previous hometown.  My mom's friend brought a boxed gift to her house a few days before the wedding.  It was extra sweet, because we were having a small wedding and she hadn't been invited, but had known me as a child and wanted to give a gift. 

    I was especially touched and certainly wrote her a nice ty note.  I liked her gift also but I did tell my mom that, if it didn't easily fit in with packages my mom was already mailing for me, it was okay if she (my mom) just kept it.  Fortunately, she was able to fit it in with the rest of my packages.

    As an aside, my mom also shipped my wedding gown back to me because my H and I were leaving for our honeymoon two days after the wedding.  I got a call from her a couple weeks later, "Do you want the hoop skirt for your gown?  It's so big and awkward, I'll have to send it in it's own package and it's going to be almost $40."  LMAO.  I told her absolutely not, I had bought it new...shipping included...for $27 on Ebay.  I told her to just throw it away or give it to Goodwill, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • rigs32rigs32
    Knottie Warrior 5 Love Its First Comment
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    MairePoppy said: 
    So what became of the clock?

    That is the kind of gift that we refer to as a Giant Metal Chicken. Either your friends have horrible judgement  or they were being passive aggressive.

    ----------------------------

    SIB - The clock stayed at the house I grew up in until it was sold.  I believe it ended up getting donated or tossed when he packed up the house.  

    I'm going with horrible judgment rather than passive aggression.  I'm still in touch with the people who gave it to me and they don't know what happened to it.  It was consistent with a particularly common decorative style that is so not my taste and they probably just didn't know that.

    MairePoppy
  • rigs32 said:
    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  
    Can even the "pro-boxed-gift-to-reception" people agree that this was not a good choice?

    If so, that means there's a line somewhere where the thoughtfulness of the gift is outweighed by the inconvenience of the receiver having to transport it. 
    MairePoppySTARMOON44
  • MandyMost said:
    rigs32 said:
    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  
    Can even the "pro-boxed-gift-to-reception" people agree that this was not a good choice?

    If so, that means there's a line somewhere where the thoughtfulness of the gift is outweighed by the inconvenience of the receiver having to transport it. 
    Oh there's definitely a line, and this for sure crosses it. But there's a huge gap between reasonable-sized-household-item the couple registered for and six foot clock.
    PrettyGirlLostILoveBeachMusiccharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    edited October 3
    MandyMost said:
    rigs32 said:
    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  
    Can even the "pro-boxed-gift-to-reception" people agree that this was not a good choice?

    If so, that means there's a line somewhere where the thoughtfulness of the gift is outweighed by the inconvenience of the receiver having to transport it. 
    The giant clock is a poor choice on so many levels. It's not just bringing it to the wedding, but monogramming a large, decorative, costly item that isn't on the couple's wishlist is also poor judgement. It must have occurred these people, when they were transporting their gift, that there might be a problem getting it home. Yes, it was rude to bring that clock to the wedding. What were they thinking?

    I don't think it's smart or convenient for  givers or receivers to bring a boxed gifts to or from a wedding, but I'll stop short of saying it's rude. That just seems ungracious. We don't see too many boxed gifts at weddings, in these parts, but it never occurred to me that the guests who brought gifts to my daughter's wedding were rude. 
                
    MobKazahoyweddingSP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    MandyMost said:
    rigs32 said:
    16 years ago, I got married in my hometown.  One thousand miles from where I lived and planned to stay.  We flew to and from the wedding.

    Friends gifted me a large (6 feet tall) wall clock.  It was engraved, so could not be returned.  It was not packaged for shipping and brought to the reception.  It was also not my taste.  Had I lived where I got married, I would have hung it up.  I was quite poor at the time and was not going to pay to have it packed and shipped - would have been at least $50, if not $100, back then.

    I've always felt bad that their money and effort went to waste, and I wrote a thank you note, but I don't think I was rude for not spending money I didn't really have to try and bring that home with me.  I've always been very conscious of what I've gifted for events and holidays ever since.  
    Can even the "pro-boxed-gift-to-reception" people agree that this was not a good choice?

    If so, that means there's a line somewhere where the thoughtfulness of the gift is outweighed by the inconvenience of the receiver having to transport it. 
    I'm not sure that the issue was whether there was a pro versus con side to this as much as whether it was an actual etiquette faux pas/rule.  I would be curious to know how the gift giver of this clock/chicken gift even got it to the reception themselves.  What a shame.
    charlotte989875MairePoppyahoyweddingsouthernbelle0915
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    Viczaesar said:
    Yes, old-school etiquette says that it's rude to bring a gift to a wedding.  It should be sent to the couple's house before or after the wedding.
    I'm "old-school" and never heard this until recently (last 5 years or so). I don't usually bring a boxed gift but send a gift via the registry. Before the internet, I always saw tons of boxed gifts at weddings. At my own (34 years ago), we received many gifts at the wedding - our parents took them with them after the wedding. I realize that today many weddings aren't in the newlyweds' home town so that wouldn't be practical.
    And yet it actually is an old-school wedding etiquette rule, discussed in many etiquette guides.



    STARMOON44
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    scribe95 said:
    Well if we are going by the "rule" quoted then no one should bring a card as well. 

    Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and she says "....Wedding presents -- properly sent to the bride's home before the wedding or to the couple's home afterward -- are a nuisance when brought to the event, where no one has time to deal with them and there is a danger of their being lost, the cards disappearing or, Miss Manners regrets to say, the packages being stolen."
    Which is why I never bring either a gift or a card to the wedding itself.  I send them before or after (usually after).



  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    To continue my thought - this is an etiquette rule that is broken a lot, often unknowingly.  I choose to comply with it; the logic is sound and it works for me.  It's not an etiquette rule that I think is particularly egregious when broken, however; it falls somewhere between using labels to address wedding invitations and charging guests to attend a wedding (e.g. fees for those who stay offsite at a wedding at an AI) for me.  I don't judge people for not following it, particularly if they don't know it's technically a rule.  I do think it's inconvenient, but not rude, to bring a present to the wedding itself.  But regardless of whether it should still be followed, it actually is an old-school etiquette rule.



    STARMOON44banana468SP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    I have yet to find this stated as an etiquette RULE.  This is as close as I have gotten thus far........
    http://emilypost.com/advice/choosing-a-wedding-gift/

    Can I take my present to the wedding?

    You can, but only if this is the tradition in the couple’s culture or community. If you’re sending a gift from one of the couple’s registries, it will be clearly listed where the gift is to be sent.




  • Oh god this nonsense again? 
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    MobKaz said:
    I have yet to find this stated as an etiquette RULE.  This is as close as I have gotten thus far........
    http://emilypost.com/advice/choosing-a-wedding-gift/

    Can I take my present to the wedding?

    You can, but only if this is the tradition in the couple’s culture or community. If you’re sending a gift from one of the couple’s registries, it will be clearly listed where the gift is to be sent.




    Reposting from redoryx:
    "I'm actually surprised no one has does this yet, so I went and checked Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and she says "....Wedding presents -- properly sent to the bride's home before the wedding or to the couple's home afterward -- are a nuisance when brought to the event, where no one has time to deal with them and there is a danger of their being lost, the cards disappearing or, Miss Manners regrets to say, the packages being stolen."



    STARMOON44banana468redoryx
  • That has been quoted numerous times.
    MobKaz
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    Annoyed.  Ill advised.  Ill mannered.  Impolite.  Properly sent.  Tradition.  Obtuse.  Rule? 

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    scribe95 said:
    That has been quoted numerous times.
    Yes, I know.  I read the thread.  That's why I'm rolling my eyes at the claims that it's a "rule," not a rule.  Is it because so many people do it and don't want to be considered etiquette rule breakers?



    STARMOON44redoryx
  • Stuck in the box.

    @MobKaz , I like you but in this case I think you're splitting a hair for the sake of it.

    Miss Manners didn't say rule so it must not be a rule.

    I deal with crap like this with my 6 yo.   Just because no one said, "DON'T take your clothes off and dance around naked doesn't mean that it's appropriate to do it."  

    She's calling it a nuisance.   She's saying that the hosts don't have the time to deal with them.   You're looking for the word rule.  

    Does it REALLY matter if the word rule is there?    We're talking etiquette and not a legal courtroom.    The purposefully obtuse routine is getting old. 
    SP29ViczaesarSTARMOON44
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