Wedding Woes

Why be unnecessarily cruel? Just why?

Dear Prudence,
I’m 31 and was with my ex-husband, Charlie, for 12 years. In May he told me he’d fallen in love with his co-worker and asked me for a divorce. I thought our marriage could be saved and tried to persuade Charlie to reconcile, but he was utterly done with me. I upset him by not accepting the end of our marriage, and he told me in no uncertain terms that we’d never really loved each other, that our marriage was a lie, and that his co-worker was his true love. I know he finds my heartbreak pathetic. I wish I could hate him, but I just miss him. I know our marriage is over and will move on, but I’m struggling to accept that our entire marriage was a fraud. I love Charlie, and he convinced me (and our friends and families) that he felt the same. How do you mourn the end of a relationship when the other person tells you that you imagined the whole thing?

—Was My Marriage a Lie?

Re: Why be unnecessarily cruel? Just why?

  • Exactly.  LW definitely needs to help herself (through counseling or whatever) to get over this, but the extra kick while she's down just makes him a terrible person. 
    charlotte989875short+sassyeileenrobOurWildKingdom
  • Definitely some counseling.  She also needs to stop believing what he says about their "entire marriage being a fraud" or whatever other nonsense along those lines.

    She was there too.  His perception now is tainted and wrong.  I also like (sarcasm) how he has the gall to tell her, what her feelings were in the marriage.

    He's hurting her even further, just to mollify his own guilt.  Like, "Oh, well she didn't REALLY love me either anyway."  It's disgusting.

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    eileenrobcharlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. You'll be divorced again within a decade, because there's no such thing as a "one" or a "soul mate", and every time you have the hots for someone, you'll chuck whatever's good to pursue it. 

    See, LW? Just think about how miserable he's going to be for the rest of his life, then get yourself something awesome to take your mind off him. You're better off. 
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    mrsconn23short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • I give Charlie's relationship about 6mo to a year tops the moment the gavel drops...  

    She needs to know she's going to be better for him leaving and he wasn't worthy of her, negotiate the terms "you're leaving, you leave it all and live with your mistress! bu bye!"...
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  • There will eventually come a day when she will be glad he left, so she could move on to better things.  But that is part of the grieving process and will come with time to start.  Time to get over the shock and then start to get over him.
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    charlotte989875
  • You didn't imagine the whole thing no matter what he's saying to you. He thinks this is his soul mate because it's brand new after a 12 year long marriage. He forgot what it was like in the beginning of your courtship. Been there done that. The problem with it being a coworker is that it means he flirted with her a really really long time before deciding to start the affair. So emotionally he may have been gone way longer than you think. So while you were in love thinking everything was fine in your marriage that POS was off starting something new. And she most likely knew he was married which is super pathetic on her part. He fed her all the bull saying ur marriage was terrible. And she ate it with a big old dumb homewrecking spoon. Ur pathetic? I think not. She's pathetic and he's really really pathetic. These relationships do not last usually... but when they do the man cheats on her. Won't change
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