Wedding Party

Y

Re: Y

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    Hi I'd like to know your thoughts (i.e. Am I crazy?) - my fiancé and I are getting married in December. We have a large bridal party, none of which are standing up during the ceremony at the chuppah with us. 

    We each have one sibling and decided we would have only our parents and our siblings up there with us during the ceremony.

    my brother is married with 2 kids. My nephew is 3 and my niece is 6 (they are in wedding party as ring bearer and flower girl). My parents are adamant about my niece, nephew and brother in law to stand up at the chuppah with me also. I explained that we are only having siblings and the rest of the bridal party are sitting and that included my niece and nephew as well.

    we are also hesitant about having young children standing up during the ceremony since it is unlikely they will be still for the whole time and might need to be taken out of the ceremony. 

    I have been to many weddings where young nieces and nephews sit near an exit or in the back since they may cry. 

    I think this is normal to not have them up there with us and we are not excluding anyone. We are happy to have my 6 year old niece we are just worried about my 3 year old nephew.


    any thoughts? Any thoughts on how to best approach? My parents want them up there even though I've explained the officiant advises against it (he has) and that this is fairly rational to not have young children up there during the ceremony. 

    Thanks! 
    Isn't the point of the bridal party to stand with you during the ceremony? 

    My personal opinion is that you chose to have a large bridal party, which includes young children, but they seem ornamental in nature.
  • We had children similar ages in the wedding party and they sat with their Grandparents during the ceremony. We gave them the choice to stand (and they did for a little while) but they wanted to sit, have snacks, and play with the activity bags we had for them. 
    almosthusbandshort+sassy
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    banana468 said:
    MobKaz said:
    Hi I'd like to know your thoughts (i.e. Am I crazy?) - my fiancé and I are getting married in December. We have a large bridal party, none of which are standing up during the ceremony at the chuppah with us. 

    We each have one sibling and decided we would have only our parents and our siblings up there with us during the ceremony.

    my brother is married with 2 kids. My nephew is 3 and my niece is 6 (they are in wedding party as ring bearer and flower girl). My parents are adamant about my niece, nephew and brother in law to stand up at the chuppah with me also. I explained that we are only having siblings and the rest of the bridal party are sitting and that included my niece and nephew as well.

    we are also hesitant about having young children standing up during the ceremony since it is unlikely they will be still for the whole time and might need to be taken out of the ceremony. 

    I have been to many weddings where young nieces and nephews sit near an exit or in the back since they may cry. 

    I think this is normal to not have them up there with us and we are not excluding anyone. We are happy to have my 6 year old niece we are just worried about my 3 year old nephew.


    any thoughts? Any thoughts on how to best approach? My parents want them up there even though I've explained the officiant advises against it (he has) and that this is fairly rational to not have young children up there during the ceremony. 

    Thanks! 
    Isn't the point of the bridal party to stand with you during the ceremony? 

    My personal opinion is that you chose to have a large bridal party, which includes young children, but they seem ornamental in nature.
    I don't know about the Jewish faith but I'm Catholic and mine didn't.   MOH and BM kneeled at the altar next to DH and me.   BMs sat in the front pew on the left and GM sat in the front pew on the right.   FWIW, this is the standard for every Catholic wedding I've attended and the only variation is whether or not the B&G kneel through the mass or they're allowed chairs.   The only times I've ever seen the bridal party stand through the ceremony were for outdoor ceremonies on the short side. 

    OP, I think you may need to talk to your parents about this and just tell them no. 

    Will you have a rehearsal?  I think if you do then your officiant can help to be the person explaining why what has been proposed will not work. 

    Is it possible to compromise and if not have them stand the entire time, have them come up at some point for a blessing of some type?   I am not educated on Jewish ceremonies at all but maybe there is a way to help make both parties happy.



    We got chairs and had no BP (MOH/BM or otherwise) sitting up with us - they all sat/stood for Mass in the first pew. However, for the actual rite of marriage portion, they all stood up on the sanctuary steps. I'm sure it depends to some extent on the church architecture what Catholics will do (particularly if there's a communion rail).

    But in this case, to have two up there the whole time and the rest not, does seem unnecessarily exclusionary or tiered unless their tradition itself calls for something like "sponsors."

    Anniversary

    MobKaz
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    OP, while I think you may want to consider and reconsider the reasons for not having the rest of your adult BP stand up with you, I think you've got a good idea about the children - I guarantee they don't want to stand up with you for your whole ceremony and could get antsy.

    However, I also would not automatically relegate them to the back. Figure out who will sit with them and then they can go to wherever it makes sense for those people to be sitting (so if grandparents, maybe the second row).

    Just tell your parents it's not happening.

    Anniversary

  • Thanks for all of the responses. The BP not standing isn't an issue for us. They will be walking down the aisle and sitting in the first two rows. This is mostly for logistics with how the venue and ceremony are set up and everyone is on board with that. 

    We are having our parents up there because of tradition and we both discussed having our siblings up there as well (I stood for my brother's ceremony) but we wanted to keep it at that. 

    The issue is only surrounding the children being up there. That's the only point of contention. I don't think it is necessary for a young child to stand up during the ceremony which is 20 or 30 minutes and I don't think it is a slight to not have them up there, I just think it makes sense as far as moving the ceremony along and avoiding what are likely inevitable interruptions, which could avoided in a better manner if they were sitting and could walk out if need be.

    The problem is they won't sit with anyone other than me, my brother, sister-in-law, or my parents. Basically this forces my sister-in-law to watch them. There are no other close family or friends that they are comfortable to be with. As such my sister-in-law would be the one that has to watch them. I mentioned this to my parents and I told them the rabbi suggested (as I believe is common) to either have a family member watch them or have a babysitter - my parents did not agree with either idea and basically said if my 3 year old nephew started making noise they would just pick him up and hold him at the chuppah or take him out. I thought this was crazy as they need to be there and present at my wedding instead of taking care of their grandchildren just for those 20 or 30 minutes. 

    Apologies for the rant. I'm annoyed this conversation is still going on with my parents and sometimes I feel like the crazy one. Also, I;m not sure my brother will even care, and he may agree, but my parents won't even talk to him and are nervous about me talking to him about it.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    banana468 said:
    MobKaz said:
    Hi I'd like to know your thoughts (i.e. Am I crazy?) - my fiancé and I are getting married in December. We have a large bridal party, none of which are standing up during the ceremony at the chuppah with us. 

    We each have one sibling and decided we would have only our parents and our siblings up there with us during the ceremony.

    my brother is married with 2 kids. My nephew is 3 and my niece is 6 (they are in wedding party as ring bearer and flower girl). My parents are adamant about my niece, nephew and brother in law to stand up at the chuppah with me also. I explained that we are only having siblings and the rest of the bridal party are sitting and that included my niece and nephew as well.

    we are also hesitant about having young children standing up during the ceremony since it is unlikely they will be still for the whole time and might need to be taken out of the ceremony. 

    I have been to many weddings where young nieces and nephews sit near an exit or in the back since they may cry. 

    I think this is normal to not have them up there with us and we are not excluding anyone. We are happy to have my 6 year old niece we are just worried about my 3 year old nephew.


    any thoughts? Any thoughts on how to best approach? My parents want them up there even though I've explained the officiant advises against it (he has) and that this is fairly rational to not have young children up there during the ceremony. 

    Thanks! 
    Isn't the point of the bridal party to stand with you during the ceremony? 

    My personal opinion is that you chose to have a large bridal party, which includes young children, but they seem ornamental in nature.
    I don't know about the Jewish faith but I'm Catholic and mine didn't.   MOH and BM kneeled at the altar next to DH and me.   BMs sat in the front pew on the left and GM sat in the front pew on the right.   FWIW, this is the standard for every Catholic wedding I've attended and the only variation is whether or not the B&G kneel through the mass or they're allowed chairs.   The only times I've ever seen the bridal party stand through the ceremony were for outdoor ceremonies on the short side. 

    OP, I think you may need to talk to your parents about this and just tell them no. 

    Will you have a rehearsal?  I think if you do then your officiant can help to be the person explaining why what has been proposed will not work. 

    Is it possible to compromise and if not have them stand the entire time, have them come up at some point for a blessing of some type?   I am not educated on Jewish ceremonies at all but maybe there is a way to help make both parties happy.



    We got chairs and had no BP (MOH/BM or otherwise) sitting up with us - they all sat/stood for Mass in the first pew. However, for the actual rite of marriage portion, they all stood up on the sanctuary steps. I'm sure it depends to some extent on the church architecture what Catholics will do (particularly if there's a communion rail).

    But in this case, to have two up there the whole time and the rest not, does seem unnecessarily exclusionary or tiered unless their tradition itself calls for something like "sponsors."
    Ours was like @flantastic 's.  

    OP, if the only reason why you'd include the niece & nephew is for your parents, don't do it.  



    Anniversary
    almosthusbandcharlotte989875
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    There is nothing in the Jewish religion that requires that there be flower girls or ring bearers at all, let alone that they stand under the huppah with the couple. In fact, the only persons required to stand under the huppah are the couple and their officiant.

    That said, your parents are not entitled to make any determinations about your wedding party. This is one of the few areas of wedding planning where paying does not give someone a say. The only ones who are entitled to any input about it are you and your FI.

    If you do not want your niece and nephew standing under the huppah with you, then regardless of how much your parents want this, you are entitled to tell them no and to stand firm.

    And for what it's worth, I agree with you that it's better to have the kids sitting down if you don't think they can cope with whatever being in the wedding party would entail.
    almosthusbandsparklepants41CMGragainOliveOilsMom
  • Thanks for all of the responses. The BP not standing isn't an issue for us. They will be walking down the aisle and sitting in the first two rows. This is mostly for logistics with how the venue and ceremony are set up and everyone is on board with that. 

    We are having our parents up there because of tradition and we both discussed having our siblings up there as well (I stood for my brother's ceremony) but we wanted to keep it at that. 

    The issue is only surrounding the children being up there. That's the only point of contention. I don't think it is necessary for a young child to stand up during the ceremony which is 20 or 30 minutes and I don't think it is a slight to not have them up there, I just think it makes sense as far as moving the ceremony along and avoiding what are likely inevitable interruptions, which could avoided in a better manner if they were sitting and could walk out if need be.

    The problem is they won't sit with anyone other than me, my brother, sister-in-law, or my parents. Basically this forces my sister-in-law to watch them. There are no other close family or friends that they are comfortable to be with. As such my sister-in-law would be the one that has to watch them. I mentioned this to my parents and I told them the rabbi suggested (as I believe is common) to either have a family member watch them or have a babysitter - my parents did not agree with either idea and basically said if my 3 year old nephew started making noise they would just pick him up and hold him at the chuppah or take him out. I thought this was crazy as they need to be there and present at my wedding instead of taking care of their grandchildren just for those 20 or 30 minutes. 

    Apologies for the rant. I'm annoyed this conversation is still going on with my parents and sometimes I feel like the crazy one. Also, I;m not sure my brother will even care, and he may agree, but my parents won't even talk to him and are nervous about me talking to him about it.
    JIC
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    eileenrobjustsie
  • That was so weird 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Yeah, it was. No need to delete the OP.
  • kaos16kaos16
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
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    edited October 13
    almosthusband said:

    The problem is they won't sit with anyone other than me, my brother, sister-in-law, or my parents. Basically this forces my sister-in-law to watch them. There are no other close family or friends that they are comfortable to be with. As such my sister-in-law would be the one that has to watch them. I mentioned this to my parents and I told them the rabbi suggested (as I believe is common) to either have a family member watch them or have a babysitter - my parents did not agree with either idea and basically said if my 3 year old nephew started making noise they would just pick him up and hold him at the chuppah or take him out. I thought this was crazy as they need to be there and present at my wedding instead of taking care of their grandchildren just for those 20 or 30 minutes. 

    As in their mom??  Why wouldn't she watch her own kids at your wedding?
    ahoyweddingOliveOilsMomsparklepants41
  • Let the Mom watch her two kids while Brother/sibling stands up front and give your Sister-in-law an easy escape route seat with both kids if necessary (sometimes the 6yo's can be a bigger handful than the 3yo).  Otherwise, she should be standing up there too if niece/nephew stand up by you too, js.  

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