Am i going crazy?

kaos16

I know this isn't "Wedding Woes" related, but I've been active on this board the most lately.  Sorry in advance.  Also, please don't quote me in case I chicken out and want to delete this.

So, my husband runs his own office.  His secretary of maybe 6 months or so is 21, a fairly attractive female, who's really outgoing.  They are in the fire department together too.  It seems like lately they have been spending more time together, now with her aunt as well (who is only 30).  When I say time together, they left work a little early the other day to grab a drink before he came home.  He often takes her to lunch or to run errands during the day.  He also bought her a suit last week, she apparently doesn't have many professional clothes, having only worked retail previously.

Yesterday we didn't have work.  He went to the office around 5 to get some stuff done.  I stayed home with our toddler.  He said he didn't think he'd be long.  I facetimed him with our son around 7:30 to say goodnight.  He got home around 9ish.  He mentioned that the guy working on his computers invited the secretary and her aunt to the office so they were hanging out for a little bit.

This is all really off-putting to me.  I think it's her personality.  She is very flirty with every guy I've ever seen her encounter.  My husband mentions what she is saying to this firefighter or that one, etc.  Last night I told my husband that it seems like he is having an affair with this girl or something.  He said that is definitely not that case, and I have no reason not to believe him, but I have a sinking feeling that I can't shake.  Am I crazy?  What would you do?

lyndausvi

kaos16 said:

I know this isn't "Wedding Woes" related, but I've been active on this board the most lately.  Sorry in advance.  Also, please don't quote me in case I chicken out and want to delete this.

So, my husband runs his own office.  His secretary of maybe 6 months or so is 21, a fairly attractive female, who's really outgoing.  They are in the fire department together too.  It seems like lately they have been spending more time together, now with her aunt as well (who is only 30).  When I say time together, they left work a little early the other day to grab a drink before he came home.  He often takes her to lunch or to run errands during the day.  He also bought her a suit last week, she apparently doesn't have many professional clothes, having only worked retail previously.

Yesterday we didn't have work.  He went to the office around 5 to get some stuff done.  I stayed home with our toddler.  He said he didn't think he'd be long.  I facetimed him with our son around 7:30 to say goodnight.  He got home around 9ish.  He mentioned that the guy working on his computers invited the secretary and her aunt to the office so they were hanging out for a little bit.

This is all really off-putting to me.  I think it's her personality.  She is very flirty with every guy I've ever seen her encounter.  My husband mentions what she is saying to this firefighter or that one, etc.  Last night I told my husband that it seems like he is having an affair with this girl or something.  He said that is definitely not that case, and I have no reason not to believe him, but I have a sinking feeling that I can't shake.  Am I crazy?  What would you do?

That is weird.    

Have you guys been going on dates?   Some of it might be resentment from "having" to stay at home with the kid and he gets "fun time" without you.

kaos16

@lyndausvi. . . . about that not quoting, lol.

I was thinking the same thing actually.  He can come home  whenever he wants and move freely to and fro, but I go straight from work to retrieve our son, and after 7:30 I'm staying home. 

We just went out to dinner Friday night.  The secretary actually babysat. 

He has been just as affectionate as he always is. . . . still always wanting to rip my clothes off (TMI). 

I think it's in my head.

charlotte989875

I definitely think it's weird someone invited her to the office when it wasn't open, and she came. I don't know why, but that would rub me the wrong way. But I also agree with @lyndausvi that maybe some of the feeling is that he's out more now (and with another woman) and you're home with the kid? How frequently is this happening?

mrsconn23

Agreed with all of the above.  Since he does run his own office, is he free to set his hours?  Can he do work from home? 

I don't see anything wrong with expecting him to be home in evening more often than not and having to help share the kid/dinner/bath/bedtime load.  If there's an issue or they're slammed, that's one thing...but work can be never-ending and it should not be an excuse to escape just because.  

Also, make a plan to go out with a friend or two in the next month.  Put it on your calendar/communicate it to DH and get out of the house.  

Furthermore, she can flirt with him all she wants.  But it's on him to have the appropriate reaction to her.  If you have an issue with his interactions with her on his end, it's OK to tell him that him doing X thing makes you uncomfortable.

banana468

I'm going to say that it crosses the line.     It doesn't mean that anything is happening but I think he's inappropriate. 

-If he's taking her on errands what is she doing?   Why is she leaving the office for HIS errands?  Only one of them needs to go.

-Why is he buying her clothing?   That's her job.   I've been working for plenty of time and no boss aside from family has ever bought me clothing.   

-I have no idea how involved you are in his office financials but at minimum, I raise my eyebrows at a boss frequently taking someone out for meals or on errands.  Spending money on her clothing is extremely odd.  

I'm glad he's still affectionate with you but if these aren't signs he's going anything inappropriate in marriage I think they're certainly ones that can be misconstrued in the workplace - especially by someone who is just barely an adult. 

kaos16

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed with all of the above.  Since he does run his own office, is he free to set his hours?  Can he do work from home? 

I don't see anything wrong with expecting him to be home in evening more often than not and having to help share the kid/dinner/bath/bedtime load.  If there's an issue or they're slammed, that's one thing...but work can be never-ending and it should not be an excuse to escape just because.  

Also, make a plan to go out with a friend or two in the next month.  Put it on your calendar/communicate it to DH and get out of the house.  

Furthermore, she can flirt with him all she wants.  But it's on him to have the appropriate reaction to her.  If you have an issue with his interactions with her on his end, it's OK to tell him that him doing X thing makes you uncomfortable.

Yes.  I trust that he wouldn't act on anything she does.  Maybe I'm just annoyed that someone would be so flirty with a married man.  I know she's not the only one, plenty do it. . . . but she is the first person I've personally encountered doing this in my life.

He is absolutely swamped at work. . . it's all him.  Some stuff he can do from home once the home office is set up (we just moved) but he gets less done at home because he ends up wanting to veg out on the couch with me in the evenings even thought I don't mind at all if he wants to go into the other room to get work done.  Yesterday he had to be at the office for the computer guy.  (who I've been told spends a lot of time cheating on his wife and being completely inappropriate with most females, to the point of being accused of sexual harassment a few times).  Maybe it was just a perfect storm of bad influences yesterday that brought everything to a head for me!

short+sassy

I'll preface this by saying I'm a pretty trusting person in relationships and have never had anyone cheat on me (that I know of).  I'm also not very jealous.

I've also worked in small offices.  I've been that secretary.  Though, outgoing and friendly, but not flirty.  At least not with coworkers/boss.  Nothing you've described sounds unusual for that kind of office environment...except your H buying her a suit.  I've had coworkers, especially my superiors, buy me many things.  Lunches/drinks/flowers/gift cards (never more than $25).  But never clothes.  I find that super weird.

Was it at least a gift card to a clothing store and not the actual garment?  A gift card would be a lot better, though still excessive, imho.

I'm still not calling it a smoking gun.  Just unusual.

Does he think she dresses inappropriately for the office?  If not, than why would he buy her an outfit?  If so, than that is what the conversation should have been.  He then could have pointed her in the right direction for buying suits on a budget.  But obviously it is her responsibility to dress appropriately for her position.  Hopefully there is a dress code in place that he also could have directed her to.

STARMOON44

kaos16 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed with all of the above.  Since he does run his own office, is he free to set his hours?  Can he do work from home? 

I don't see anything wrong with expecting him to be home in evening more often than not and having to help share the kid/dinner/bath/bedtime load.  If there's an issue or they're slammed, that's one thing...but work can be never-ending and it should not be an excuse to escape just because.  

Also, make a plan to go out with a friend or two in the next month.  Put it on your calendar/communicate it to DH and get out of the house.  

Furthermore, she can flirt with him all she wants.  But it's on him to have the appropriate reaction to her.  If you have an issue with his interactions with her on his end, it's OK to tell him that him doing X thing makes you uncomfortable.

Yes.  I trust that he wouldn't act on anything she does.  Maybe I'm just annoyed that someone would be so flirty with a married man.  I know she's not the only one, plenty do it. . . . but she is the first person I've personally encountered doing this in my life.

He is absolutely swamped at work. . . it's all him.  Some stuff he can do from home once the home office is set up (we just moved) but he gets less done at home because he ends up wanting to veg out on the couch with me in the evenings even thought I don't mind at all if he wants to go into the other room to get work done.  Yesterday he had to be at the office for the computer guy.  (who I've been told spends a lot of time cheating on his wife and being completely inappropriate with most females, to the point of being accused of sexual harassment a few times).  Maybe it was just a perfect storm of bad influences yesterday that brought everything to a head for me!

See I'd say the opposite. I don't see her being flirty, I see him being inappropriately personally involved with a subordinate. He, and you, need to talk about his conduct and his boundaries, not so much hers. Absolutely not suggesting I think he is having an affair, but does he agree that as a boss maybe buying her clothes and taking her to run errands just looks bad? Is he willing to dial back the unnecessary contact?

kaos16

He did have a paralegal a few years ago who was male.  He'd buy him shirts and ties. 

He did ask flat out if I wanted him to fire her. . . . which I said no to, because it would put him in a bind needing to find someone new and to train him or her. 

STARMOON44

kaos16 said:

He did have a paralegal a few years ago who was male.  He'd buy him shirts and ties. 

He did ask flat out if I wanted him to fire her. . . . which I said no to, because it would put him in a bind needing to find someone new and to train him or her. 

Also firing her is still punishing her for his failure to draw appropriate boundaries. 

short+sassy

I also want to add that, if her flirting is inappropriate...whether with him and/or with others...that is a conversation/warning he needs to have with her.

As her boss, it is his job to guide her with what behavior and dress is both professional and appropriate.  Especially since she is short on experience.  I'm saying that based on her age.

However, speaking of crossing lines.  The fact that she babysat for you all, also sounds odd to me and potentially getting into a gray area.

Unless her job duties also very clearly outline running and doing personal errands for him.  Like babysitting.

Overall...especially with her aunt becoming part of this "happy work family"...I think your H needs to start drawing better lines between "social" and "work".

Maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation and vibe.

I've socialized with my bosses outside of work.  But I haven't invited other friends/people out with us.  I've run personal errands for a boss...he was also the owner of the company...but it wasn't REALLY personal, like babysitting at his house.

I don't know.  I'm not necessarily saying any of that is wrong.  But it can really start to blur lines between a friendly, but still professional relationship.  And a friendship, even getting to a close friendship.  Especially between a boss and his subordinate.

mrsconn23

STARMOON44 said:

kaos16 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed with all of the above.  Since he does run his own office, is he free to set his hours?  Can he do work from home? 

I don't see anything wrong with expecting him to be home in evening more often than not and having to help share the kid/dinner/bath/bedtime load.  If there's an issue or they're slammed, that's one thing...but work can be never-ending and it should not be an excuse to escape just because.  

Also, make a plan to go out with a friend or two in the next month.  Put it on your calendar/communicate it to DH and get out of the house.  

Furthermore, she can flirt with him all she wants.  But it's on him to have the appropriate reaction to her.  If you have an issue with his interactions with her on his end, it's OK to tell him that him doing X thing makes you uncomfortable.

Yes.  I trust that he wouldn't act on anything she does.  Maybe I'm just annoyed that someone would be so flirty with a married man.  I know she's not the only one, plenty do it. . . . but she is the first person I've personally encountered doing this in my life.

He is absolutely swamped at work. . . it's all him.  Some stuff he can do from home once the home office is set up (we just moved) but he gets less done at home because he ends up wanting to veg out on the couch with me in the evenings even thought I don't mind at all if he wants to go into the other room to get work done.  Yesterday he had to be at the office for the computer guy.  (who I've been told spends a lot of time cheating on his wife and being completely inappropriate with most females, to the point of being accused of sexual harassment a few times).  Maybe it was just a perfect storm of bad influences yesterday that brought everything to a head for me!

See I'd say the opposite. I don't see her being flirty, I see him being inappropriately personally involved with a subordinate. He, and you, need to talk about his conduct and his boundaries, not so much hers. Absolutely not suggesting I think he is having an affair, but does he agree that as a boss maybe buying her clothes and taking her to run errands just looks bad? Is he willing to dial back the unnecessary contact?

OP mentioned that secretary is flirty with all men, so it doesn't sound like she's singling out Mr. Kaos.  But agreed with the rest.  

And he may think he's just 'being nice' with the clothes and the taking her with him on company errands, but if the dynamic is making you uncomfortable as his wife, it's OK to say something. 

My dad worked for a small business back in the day.   There was a lady in the office that was overly flirty/affectionate.  My dad was asked if he was available for a business trip and she was going to be on it at well.  It would have just been my dad and this lady.  My parents had, and still have, a ridiculously strong marriage.  I don't think infidelity has ever been a concern.  My dad's cute because he's either hilariously clueless if he's being hit on or totally embarrassed.  But my mom was not a fan of this lady and how she behaved.  She asked my dad to decline the business trip and he did. 

lyndausvi

STARMOON44 said:

kaos16 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed with all of the above.  Since he does run his own office, is he free to set his hours?  Can he do work from home? 

I don't see anything wrong with expecting him to be home in evening more often than not and having to help share the kid/dinner/bath/bedtime load.  If there's an issue or they're slammed, that's one thing...but work can be never-ending and it should not be an excuse to escape just because.  

Also, make a plan to go out with a friend or two in the next month.  Put it on your calendar/communicate it to DH and get out of the house.  

Furthermore, she can flirt with him all she wants.  But it's on him to have the appropriate reaction to her.  If you have an issue with his interactions with her on his end, it's OK to tell him that him doing X thing makes you uncomfortable.

Yes.  I trust that he wouldn't act on anything she does.  Maybe I'm just annoyed that someone would be so flirty with a married man.  I know she's not the only one, plenty do it. . . . but she is the first person I've personally encountered doing this in my life.

He is absolutely swamped at work. . . it's all him.  Some stuff he can do from home once the home office is set up (we just moved) but he gets less done at home because he ends up wanting to veg out on the couch with me in the evenings even thought I don't mind at all if he wants to go into the other room to get work done.  Yesterday he had to be at the office for the computer guy.  (who I've been told spends a lot of time cheating on his wife and being completely inappropriate with most females, to the point of being accused of sexual harassment a few times).  Maybe it was just a perfect storm of bad influences yesterday that brought everything to a head for me!

See I'd say the opposite. I don't see her being flirty, I see him being inappropriately personally involved with a subordinate. He, and you, need to talk about his conduct and his boundaries, not so much hers. Absolutely not suggesting I think he is having an affair, but does he agree that as a boss maybe buying her clothes and taking her to run errands just looks bad? Is he willing to dial back the unnecessary contact?

I agree with this.    

On another note, DH has bought clothes for his staff in the past.  Also expensive knives and other chef tools.  Both for female and male staff.  So I don't necessarily think it's cause for concern, it would depend on context.      

DH bought one of his female chef's a new pair of shoes for work.   Her's were horrible and she didn't have the money at the time to get new ones (seasonal worker, she was out-of-work for a few months and this was the start of the season).   I never thought twice about him buying her a pair of non-skid clogs.  Actually thought it was sweet.

If he bought her a sexy new work suit?    Ummm, I might have a different reaction.

banana468

lyndausvi said:

STARMOON44 said:

kaos16 said:

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed with all of the above.  Since he does run his own office, is he free to set his hours?  Can he do work from home? 

I don't see anything wrong with expecting him to be home in evening more often than not and having to help share the kid/dinner/bath/bedtime load.  If there's an issue or they're slammed, that's one thing...but work can be never-ending and it should not be an excuse to escape just because.  

Also, make a plan to go out with a friend or two in the next month.  Put it on your calendar/communicate it to DH and get out of the house.  

Furthermore, she can flirt with him all she wants.  But it's on him to have the appropriate reaction to her.  If you have an issue with his interactions with her on his end, it's OK to tell him that him doing X thing makes you uncomfortable.

Yes.  I trust that he wouldn't act on anything she does.  Maybe I'm just annoyed that someone would be so flirty with a married man.  I know she's not the only one, plenty do it. . . . but she is the first person I've personally encountered doing this in my life.

He is absolutely swamped at work. . . it's all him.  Some stuff he can do from home once the home office is set up (we just moved) but he gets less done at home because he ends up wanting to veg out on the couch with me in the evenings even thought I don't mind at all if he wants to go into the other room to get work done.  Yesterday he had to be at the office for the computer guy.  (who I've been told spends a lot of time cheating on his wife and being completely inappropriate with most females, to the point of being accused of sexual harassment a few times).  Maybe it was just a perfect storm of bad influences yesterday that brought everything to a head for me!

See I'd say the opposite. I don't see her being flirty, I see him being inappropriately personally involved with a subordinate. He, and you, need to talk about his conduct and his boundaries, not so much hers. Absolutely not suggesting I think he is having an affair, but does he agree that as a boss maybe buying her clothes and taking her to run errands just looks bad? Is he willing to dial back the unnecessary contact?

I agree with this.    

On another note, DH has bought clothes for his staff in the past.  Also expensive knives and other chef tools.  Both for female and male staff.  So I don't necessarily think it's cause for concern, it would depend on context.      

DH bought one of his female chef's a new pair of shoes for work.   Her's were horrible and she didn't have the money at the time to get new ones (seasonal worker, she was out-of-work for a few months and this was the start of the season).   I never thought twice about him buying her a pair of non-skid clogs.  Actually thought it was sweet.

If he bought her a sexy new work suit?    Ummm, I might have a different reaction.

Maybe it's me but I think it's slightly different unless the office has specific attire.   @lyndausvi I think your DH is supplying equipment / uniform vs. the work wardrobe necessary for the office.   You can be office appropriate in a variety of price points.   You're not going to get a good set of knives at the Christmas Tree Shop.

If this was past practice, IMO it should extend to a gift card at a store tops.  

Also, if he's absolutely swamped then why isn't he able to delegate some aspects of his tasks?   Why is he going out to lunches and taking her? 

At minimum here I agree with others that a conversation about his conduct is a good idea.   Second to that, I think he needs to talk about ways that he can use his employees to help him with his work load.   Is there any way that some of this can be put onto the secretary?  

short+sassy

kaos16 said:

He did have a paralegal a few years ago who was male.  He'd buy him shirts and ties. 

He did ask flat out if I wanted him to fire her. . . . which I said no to, because it would put him in a bind needing to find someone new and to train him or her. 

Thanks for that insight.  That does take some of the "buying clothes" weirdness out of it for me, if it isn't unusual in his industry.

As an aside, I used to frequent a finances message board.  One of the regular posters was an attorney and so was her H.  They definitely weren't cheap people, but they watched what they spent their money on.

Her H bought suits at department stores.  Like Macy's, etc.  Until his boss pulled him aside one day and said something like, "We pay you enough to dress better."  Point understood and taken!  Now they stalk Brooks Brothers semi-annual sales to update and replace his wardrobe pieces that are too worn, lol.  The serious bargain hunter in me has always liked that example!

STARMOON44

short+sassy said:

kaos16 said:

He did have a paralegal a few years ago who was male.  He'd buy him shirts and ties. 

He did ask flat out if I wanted him to fire her. . . . which I said no to, because it would put him in a bind needing to find someone new and to train him or her. 

Thanks for that insight.  That does take some of the "buying clothes" weirdness out of it for me, if it isn't unusual in his industry.

As an aside, I used to frequent a finances message board.  One of the regular posters was an attorney and so was her H.  They definitely weren't cheap people, but they watched what they spent their money on.

Her H bought suits at department stores.  Like Macy's, etc.  Until his boss pulled him aside one day and said something like, "We pay you enough to dress better."  Point understood and taken!  Now they stalk Brooks Brothers semi-annual sales to update and replace his wardrobe pieces that are too worn, lol.  The serious bargain hunter in me has always liked that example!

He may have done it before but it is actually extremely unusual. 

CMGragain

This is not about her at all.  It is about you and your husband and your relationship.  Some counseling might be in order here.  It might help him understand why his behavior is (justifiably) upsetting you.

climbingsingle

I hate to say this, but I think in instances like this, you should trust your gut. 

None of this seems out of line, except for taking her on errands, and having her hang out at the office while the IT guy is doing work. That just seems really odd to me. If he's bought male employees clothes, then I don't necessarily think the suit is a big deal. But it personally would make me feel uncomfortable. 

MNNEBride

Seems like your husband needs to implement some professional boundaries in his office.  The IT guy does not get to invite people into the office to hang out, he's there to work on the computers, not hang out out with the secretary and her aunt. 

I get that it's a small business and your husband may want a more casual atmosphere in his office, but the IT guy and the other examples appear that it's too casual and he needs to tighten up the boundaries.  

kaos16

UPDATE:  We chatted last night when the aunt called him and they had a quick conversation that just seemed strange to me.  I explained my concerns to him and how I felt uncomfortable.  A short time later I grabbed his phone and took a look at the conversation with the aunt.  I know that snooping is wrong, but I had to do it.  The conversation was heavy duty flirting.  I get upset and we ended up having a lengthy conversation about it.  He told me that our relationship is great and he loves what we have except that he feels passion is missing.  He said that he was flirting to feel desired.  He feels terrible about it, as I think he should. . . . I'm upset.  Emotional cheating is still cheating in my opinion. 

Many tears later, we decided that he needs to establish boundaries and I will work on passion.  What do you ladies do to up the passion in your relationships??

banana468

kaos16 said:

UPDATE:  We chatted last night when the aunt called him and they had a quick conversation that just seemed strange to me.  I explained my concerns to him and how I felt uncomfortable.  A short time later I grabbed his phone and took a look at the conversation with the aunt.  I know that snooping is wrong, but I had to do it.  The conversation was heavy duty flirting.  I get upset and we ended up having a lengthy conversation about it.  He told me that our relationship is great and he loves what we have except that he feels passion is missing.  He said that he was flirting to feel desired.  He feels terrible about it, as I think he should. . . . I'm upset.  Emotional cheating is still cheating in my opinion. 

Many tears later, we decided that he needs to establish boundaries and I will work on passion.  What do you ladies do to up the passion in your relationships??

Well for starters, I feel passionate about my husband when he isn't a gargantuan jackass. 

Seriously - I get that you feel that you need to work on something here but your husband FUUUUUCKED UP.     I'm not passionate when I smell a rat and think my husband's head is stuck in his rectum. 

And while my DH and I need to work on this, part of being passionate is the feedback I get.   You need to engage me in conversation, talk to me and value me and not go through the motions with minimal contact.   So work on ways to have dinners together.   See if you can get the toddler down to bed early or make a nice later meal if that is possible.   Go on a date.   Take a walk together or do something in the fall.   Have movie night on the couch that ends with a quickie while the kid is sleeping. 

I know I'm projecting here but he essentially blamed you for his emotional cheating.   And that's probably a pretty common defensive mechanism but it's not passing my smell test.   So while he's out buying lunches and clothing for his employees he could do some work on his own to show you that he appreciates you.   A small jewelry purchase, flowers or dinner reservations would be a good start.   And if you can get an overnight sitter, a hotel would be good too. 

 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

kaos16 said:

UPDATE:  We chatted last night when the aunt called him and they had a quick conversation that just seemed strange to me.  I explained my concerns to him and how I felt uncomfortable.  A short time later I grabbed his phone and took a look at the conversation with the aunt.  I know that snooping is wrong, but I had to do it.  The conversation was heavy duty flirting.  I get upset and we ended up having a lengthy conversation about it.  He told me that our relationship is great and he loves what we have except that he feels passion is missing.  He said that he was flirting to feel desired.  He feels terrible about it, as I think he should. . . . I'm upset.  Emotional cheating is still cheating in my opinion. 

Many tears later, we decided that he needs to establish boundaries and I will work on passion.  What do you ladies do to up the passion in your relationships??

Well for starters, I feel passionate about my husband when he isn't a gargantuan jackass. 

Seriously - I get that you feel that you need to work on something here but your husband FUUUUUCKED UP.     I'm not passionate when I smell a rat and think my husband's head is stuck in his rectum. 

And while my DH and I need to work on this, part of being passionate is the feedback I get.   You need to engage me in conversation, talk to me and value me and not go through the motions with minimal contact.   So work on ways to have dinners together.   See if you can get the toddler down to bed early or make a nice later meal if that is possible.   Go on a date.   Take a walk together or do something in the fall.   Have movie night on the couch that ends with a quickie while the kid is sleeping. 

I know I'm projecting here but he essentially blamed you for his emotional cheating.   And that's probably a pretty common defensive mechanism but it's not passing my smell test.   So while he's out buying lunches and clothing for his employees he could do some work on his own to show you that he appreciates you.   A small jewelry purchase, flowers or dinner reservations would be a good start.   And if you can get an overnight sitter, a hotel would be good too. 

 

THIS! 

Is the aunt employed by your husband?  If not, he needs to leave her the fuck alone, like yesterday.  

climbingsingle

Hold up. YOU will work on passion? YOU? It sounds like your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, and that you are taking the blame for not making him feel desired. And that's some fucking bullshit right there. 

Passion is a two way street. 

OliveOilsMom

How can you feel passionate when you get left with all of the duties for your son?  I would feel too tired to do anything other than a quick kiss goodnight to my husband if I had to take the lead on DD all the time.

I think you need to have further conversations and maybe with a counselor to lead the discussions. 

There is no reason for your H to have any contact with the aunt anymore.  He also needs to show that his business is now just that, a business.  No more IT guy inviting people to the office while he is supposed to be working.  No more lunches or happy hours with the assistant or aunt.  Not knowing how far apart you two work, but why can't he come over to your office and take you to lunch one day.  Is he really so busy that he can't do that?  Or pick up your son a few days a week?

We are only a few weeks into daycare, but H does the drop off and pick up.  I get about an hour at the house by myself each morning.  I try to do some chores before work.  I also get home about an hour after H has been home with DD.  I usually take over right away to give him a break, since I was already able to have some me time in the morning.  Where is your me time?  I think you may also be more willing for passion, when you get more help from him.

Ro041

Wow.  That is quite an update.  I agree that if HE doesn't feel passion, HE needs to do something about it (use his words, use his actions) rather than emotionally straying.  I would be PISSED.  And I am so sorry @kaos16

kimmiinthemitten

I've been reading this thread since it started now and didn't have much to add, until I saw the update.  First of all, good on you for trusting your instincts and approaching your H.  I know that took guts and couldn't have been easy.

Secondly, and in agreement with the other Knotties - HELL TO THE NO!  I'm not a parent, but know that it's not easy, especially in the beginning.  You should be the first person he turns to when he's feeling anything.  He's just scapegoating you so he can be relieved of his own guilt, and you shouldn't take it.  If he feels a lack of passion, he should see what he can do to help create it with you.  Not flirt with some rando acquaintance and risk jeopardizing his entire family.

You do not have to, and should not, accept that phony ass apology blame game.

banana468

To add, I don't know your husband at all so I can be coming from a different place.   But based on the information you're giving, he isn't creating any kind of clear relationship regarding who is running the business.  The lines are blurred and people are thinking that the office is a place for lounging.  

That may be fine and dandy except you also said that
-He's really busy at work. 
-Computer guy is cheating and inappropriate with most females AND invites the women to work while he's working?  NO.   Computer guy is an employee or a contracted outside service.   Either way, your husband needs to be quite clear that the time for  computer dude to dick around is not in the office and not while he's working.  

If he's really busy at work then he needs to work smarter.   That isn't coming across at all.

And if he's that busy and wants more passion you don't go to the fire department and have after work drinks with an employee as part of the modus operandi while your wife picks up the slack at home.   

The more I read this the more I'm sorry @kaos16.   

CharmedPam

Im sorry @kaos16, that this happened   I would strongly suggest you guys get some marital counseling though.  Is he willing? 

justsie

I don't have anything to add except I agree with PPs. What is he doing to ignite passion? He has time to text-flirt with the aunt but not you? He is pushing the blame for HIS action onto you. YOU DIDN'T MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING.
He CHOSE to flirt with someone while married. That choice was 100% all him. He needs to own it. 

This must really suck.... I don't have anything that can make it better but know that we are here for you.

levioosa

I have to agree with PPs. I think you were right to feel off, and this whole "well YOU need to be more passionate and make me feel desired" is complete bullshit. Talk about gas lighting. I'm sorry @kaos16.